Why do men only want me for sex?

@The O.P, sorry to hear that. Maybe you're meeting all the wrong men. Also, are you meeting them at bars, clubs, or even online? Those are some of the worst places to meet men I heard.

Anyways, I really think that this book by Sherry Argov will help you. It's called "Why Men Love *****es". It's a tongue in cheek title meaning:

B-Babe

I-In

T-Total

C-Control

H-of Herself

It's very insightful and hilarious! Men don't think like women. Doing certain things will only make them think that you aren't relationship material such as responding to their texts, emails, and calls right away. Men like the chase.

A lot of men tend to test women to see how "high" they'll jump and how far they can push you. And they will walk all over you if you let them. Also, appearance matters, but you'll always attract the wrong men if you show to much skin at first. Not saying that you do of course, that's just what the book says.

If you don't return a guy's texts, calls, or emails right away and wait a few days, he'll probably get back to YOU to see why you aren't responding to him like most women. They like the chase and women who are independent and not desperate for a relationship or marriage. Not that you are. Just read the book and you'll see what I mean.

Oh, and it sounds like that guy isn't ready for anything serious yet at all. If that's what you want, don't waste your time on him. You can do better than that. Don't settle. Look for better friends. Try meetup.com.

Oh, and try singles meetups on meetup.com. It's free to join.

Yes, but most women my age have families and partners to be with and don't have time for me or don't want to be friends because they know me in a professional capacity. At my work I have female bosses but they don't have mental health issues so wouldn't socialise with me. Also other girls are a lot younger and have their own friends.

It's friends I'm after. I don't think that guy will be interested in being a friend though. But he doesn't want to date. He is wasting my time really. I didn't text him back last night after he called off. He offered to come up tonight but I don't see the point in agreeing as he won't come.

I don't feel comfortable meeting people on the internet. I met the other guy that way and I enjoyed it at the time but he just used me.I wouldn't do it again. Having attachment to people on the internet is not a good idea.

I still think a dog is best.

How do you know MOST women wont have time for you and what does your job have to do with it? (If I may ask)


Also you don't have to only hang out with people who have MH issues, is there a specific reason you say this about your bosses? Like have they said "You're MI and I refuse to go out and have drinks with you"...?

I am an unpaid worker in a social enterprise where the jobseekers have mental health issues and the staff in general don't. They are my bosses. They see us as poor unfortunates but not people to socialise with. As I say also they have husbands and children and their own lives. There was one who I have seen with her male friend who is also my co worker and kind of a friend (he has mh issues) when we went for a drink a couple of times but she doesn't go out much. She has to go home and cook dinner for her husband and we tend to meet after work. None of the others would go out.

Of course they haven't said that, but in their attitude and our working relationship it is obvious. They are like mental health support workers, it's a professional relationship and there are boundaries. I'm not sure the other staff would approve if they knew this woman was friendly with mh volunteers.

I certainly don't know any women my age in any other capacity. And I wouldn't go out and try and meet strangers. I don't have the confidence and am used to being shunned. As for the internet I wouldn't do that again as you never really know a person until you've met them.

Looks like you've given up almost as thoroughly as I have...

Perhaps even more thorough.... Thing is... Friends can be found in the strangest places, as long as you don't seek them out....

At least that's my twopence... I never really wanted any friends (complex, egotistical reasons) but I've more now than I can handle...

I don't expect things to get any better, so I suppose I have given up.

I don't go looking for friends or men really. Things have just happened as they have.

Thanks for the advice though. Everyone in this town knows I'm mad though, so I won't meet anyone to make friends with anyway. People are not very enlightened here. That doesn't help as I retreat into myself. I don't trust people any more. When I have they have turned out to use me or treat me badly. As I say my ex is the only person I feel I can fully trust. I find it hard to talk to him about men as a result and I have had more support online than in real life. People have been told but they have dismissed it. They said they would support me but they don't understand it. So I can't physically talk to anyone about these problems and I have to deal with them.

I have single friends. And had married friends when I was single. I am married but am not attached to the hip. I went to movies yesterday with women I've met on meetup. They are all single.

I've caved in and I probably will end up having sex with this guy again. He tells me he never said I wasn't worth dating, he just hasn't any time for a relationship, and he is busy, that is true. He didn't say I was worth it either, I asked him and he didn't give a straight answer. I don't know what to believe. He might just be saying that for sex. He does ask what I want but it's all sex related. I have issues around sex and he says he wants me to enjoy it but I honestly don't know if I will ever really enjoy it and certainly not to the point of orgasm. I just wish he would talk to me and that I hadn't slept with him so soon. I wish he would hold me and I could fall asleep in his arms but he turns his back to me when he goes to sleep. I am lonely right now and still hurting from that other guy even though he isn't talking. Maybe he's getting me at a vulnerable time because after all I've said I am on my own every night here and it does get to me. I think about things too much and I miss having company. I feel like a fool posting this after all I have said, I have to be honest. It's not sex I miss but it is something that comes with having company right now and I am an idiot but it's better than sitting here moping over the other guy. It's all too confusing. I don't know if this is going anywhere and I don't know whether to believe him when he says he thinks I'm worth dating but maybe I read too much into what people don't say rather than what they do.

Whatever happens I slept with him too quickly and it's all my fault if I get used. I think if you don't respect yourself people know that and take advantage. At least this guy hasn't dumped me as quickly as the other guy did, if he was ever attracted to me in the first place. Maybe it's because I gave him what he wanted that he hasn't done the same.

Rant at me if you wish.. I'm not proud of myself, my defences are probably down right now. This is probably the worst time ever for me to agree to sex, but here I go again.

I'm afraid you just answered your own question of why men only want you for sex.

I'm not sure if I can say anything to help you. You have skewed thinking about this. All I can say is the last thing you need right now is to have sex with this guy. I suggest you don't see him at all.

We can talk more about your thoughts if you want, have plenty of time for that.

I'm more of a listener anyways...
But I can understand, sometimes it's nicest to just have someone to hold...

It is NOT all your fault if you get used. I think getting a dog is a good idea. It sounds like you need unconditional love and companionship and a pet can provide that. It is NOT your fault if men have lied to you and abused your trust. There are things you can do to lessen the likelihood it will happen again but there are no guarantees. The very nature of putting ourselves out there puts us at risk of being hurt. Some people take for granted how easy it is for them and like to place blame on people who it's less easy for. You mentioned you don't have a personality but please forgive me for disagreeing. You sound like a very smart, sensitive, caring and INTELLIGENT person. It sounds like you've had some bad luck in the men you've met and that can really color our reality. If you want love and companionship then I feel you deserve to have it. Maybe you need a break right now to heal the wounds of that previous relationship where that man unfairly used you.

Most people have things they could work on....I'm not saying you don't. But please don't blame yourself for trusting someone and them using your trust for their own gain. That is not your fault, it's theirs. (((Hugs)))

I know it's stupid, he might cancel anyway, he often does.. And I know I have no self respect or self esteem. I can't defend what I'm doing in any way, but I don't want to be on my own all the time any more. That's no excuse, but it's the only explanation I can come up with for my behaviour.

I'm going to bed anyway, he's still not here. I think he may have fallen asleep. Either that or he's still busy. I suppose that was best anyway.

You're lonely and craving affection and companionship. That's completely understandable.

But you're setting yourself up for hurt by this dynamic with guys just wanting sex and triggering your insecurity and low self esteem. It's causing you harm and not good for you.

You don't want the sex. It's not at all about that for you. You want the company and affection. But they are not giving you affection. They are just serving themselves and even standing you up.

You say you want him to be a friend. He doesn't want to be your friend.

The only real way to move forward is to stick to being good to yourself, don't allow anyone to use you no matter what they say-- it's what they do that shows they care. Give it time. If they are not willing to take you out on dates before sex is even a consideration don't see them.

You're talking to the wrong sources, for starters. The Navy did a study on this in the early seventies which I can't find on the web at the moment, but they found way more types than three.

I would make an effort to hang out with women for now. Do you have any family?

I'm on holiday to see my sister this week. I am going down with my parents. It will take me away from all of this for a week. So that's a good thing. I think I'm going to stop taking the Pill and that will mean no sex again. I don't trust condoms and won't do it unless I'm on the Pill. It puts a bit of distance between him and me and I suspect he won't come round again. I'll leave him to get in touch. That way I won't encourage him..

Why do you keep letting this man come over? Tell him to stop.

If you don't want sex with him?

I need friends really. It would have been better if I had just resisted him in the first place. He pursued me and one night I had a couple of glasses of wine and one thing led to another. After that I kept agreeing to it. I even initiated it once. I don't know why other than being lonely. I missed the other guy and he had rejected me so maybe he was a substitute? But he wasn't, I still liked the other guy more. I think this guy knows it. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to commit? I don't know. I know he is envious of him. I told him about it before we ever got together. But it still feels like he's using me. In a way I've used him to get over the rejection of the other guy and the loneliness and hurt I've been feeling, but I do like him. He isn't just anyone to me. But he will never replace him. I haven't heard from that other guy for over a week now so I don't think I will again. It certainly isn't the right time to be with anyone else right now as I'm still not over it. I hope one day I will be because I know he will never want me. As he's not even speaking to me he doesn't even like me as a person and he certainly doesn't care.

Maybe I should have called this thread "Why do I engage in self destructive behaviours?'" Because to a certain degree me and this guy have both used each other. It was never really about sex for me though. I just wish we could be friends only and go back to how it was. After the other guy I just need support and comfort, but not that kind of comfort obviously. I'm not really getting it from anyone else in my life. I think I've pushed the self destruct button for too long over him. If I'm not drinking I'm self harming or hating myself because he rejected me and I wasn't good enough for him or worth being with in that way. I won't go into that again but I feel like he would have been interested if I had been someone else, even though he said he didn't want a relationship with anyone.

I think that's why I'm need to stay away from men, because it can't and won't work out. Whether that guy is in my head or not I'm too f***ed up for a relationship.

Need to some some self-esteem work. It is hard but you can do it.

I just wanted to say about making friends (female or male) and the dog...I moved into an apartment complex when I separated from my ex and knew only one person there (I met her at a NAMI meeting years ago)...anyway, I ended up with the family dog about 6 months later and there is a dog park in my complex, as well as, a couple of city dog parks. So I started taking my dog to those places since I didn't have a yard, and I have made several friends in that way. In fact the three women I spend most of my time with are half my age! But I enjoy their company, we have the military spouse thing in common and I am sort of their mentor. We have been able to swap favors as well, watching dogs or babies and such.
So, the dog is a great idea, not only do they snuggle and love you ALL the time, they are great reasons to get out and you just end up talking to other pet owners...often starts out as, what kind of dog do you have, what's it's name, what food do you feed yours, I feed mine this, and in turn, there are lots MORE dogs to pet and love on. Win/Win for me anyway.

As for the attracting the wrong men, I am finding that I am doing the same online BUT, when the guy's handle says 'freak, looking for a freak, in bed and out' well, he's pretty much put it out there what he's all about. so I choose whether or not to go with that and most often, I play along but I don't bite. On the other hand, I have been the woman that isn't wanting a full relationship...the one guy I do like, I know that is only going to be what it is, he likes me but it won't ever go anywhere. So, I have played elsewhere as well.
When I do finally think I will want something, hopefully I will have gotten over this play thing. My ex H was not good in bed, for many years so I am sort of making up for lost time I guess. In my defense, it's been almost a year and I've only seen 3 guys, one since March and the other a couple of months recently. the third I knew was only in town for 2 weeks so that was just playtime. Sure wish I could have kept that one though, he was really sweet.

I have been getting these emails from a love guru of sorts ( I guess ), named Eric Charles and a lot of what he says makes sense. WE ladies have to have full lives of our own, so that the relationship is a bonus, not the focus of our lives. And we have to bring value to the table, it can't be all about what HE does for us, or doesn't do for us...If we are living our lives and not coming off as desperate or needy/clingy...then guys get more interested in us...that whole chase thing coming into play...that's how I have kept the one guy I know coming back, because I will back off, or if he is busy, well, so am I. I'm not going to chase him, I'm going to make him work for it. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I'm not going to be a pushover to get his attention. I personally hate the whole idea of playing games, it sucks and I"m not that good at it. But I am learning. You need to do the same. There is also a young woman on youtube named Amy Young, she is a life coach and if you can manage to bypass the salty language, she has some very good advice. I highly recommend her...do I listen to everything she says? no. probably to my detriment, but I learn as I go.

My favorite thing she says? on Mantra Monday...."Mixed signals are not my thing", that's in regards to men 'sending mixed signals'...sometimes they are clear and we choose to not listen. If a guy says he doesn't want a relationship...believe him. She doesn't mention the guys who lie, like your guy did and even my guy had this massive epic profile that stated how he was ambitious and worked hard but was good at time mgt so was able to date. THAT was a load of BS. I still like him but I figure if I meet someone else I like better, well, the first one will be gone.

I'll just say this one last thing. I'm certain you are not ugly...I feel like you have had a lot of hits to your sense of self, there may be other things as well (I am MI too)...and sometimes even if you say all the right things about yourself as far as your self esteem, what you know and what you feel are sometimes two different things. I have been in that place often. I know I am intelligent, independent, cute and sweet and a great asset to another man's life if I choose to be. BUT sometimes I don't FEEL like that. ya know?

all my best

I think I need to stay away from men.. Or at least demand a date from that guy if he ever wants to be intimate again but I probably shouldn't go there. That might at least be the best way of knowing what he really thinks of me. Either that or yes I should get a dog. That's the much healthier option. It depends if I'm allowed one here or not..

There are men who will respect your boundaries; don't allow others to define who you are. YOU do that......men (some) will take what they can get; don't allow anyone to use you.