Does having someone understand your psych issue help?

I am sorry you are hurting. Why don't you go home for few days and take care of your business. Maybe call his nurses or doctors or social worker etc and tell them he isn't all right and you are gone home.

I understand you feel he cannot manage without you. I know the feeling. In reality he'll find ways to manage. My grandma used to say that "all unreplaceable people are dead". Meaning life goes on and everyone survives even if some people aren't in the picture anymore.

She didn't really refer to relationship but more like to work/employment. But regardless, people can manage. If they can't they will call 911 or go to ER. Now leaving a minor child to fend for himself would be wrong. Grown man not so much.

Now I understand you feel responsibility so you can come for an hour or a few and clean up, cook and go home. You don't really need to be there all the time ( unless You like his company but it doesn't sound like it). When taking care of sick family member, we come and go unless we move them in. Otherwise it doesn't seem necessary to be there all day every day.


Have you considered stopping being there all the time and only come to complete tasks?

Yes, divine. I live 5 miles away. I don't have to stay here 24/7. I could go home for a few hours everyday. In between meals, he watches TV. Usually, I don't have to help him with that . . . except, now and then, to find a channel. He can usually be left on his own over night. He gets back and forth to the bathroom from the bedroom mostly okay.

People handle bigger demands than this.

I leave him clean clothes in the bathroom. He can change his clothes by himself, if he has to. He did in the nursing home most of the time.

When I'm not depressed, I try to be companionable to him. I google up info about the movies he watches and share that with him. He'll ask who was such and such an actor married to, or when did so and so die and of what? Mostly, I just read things on my tablet computer, while he monopolizes the TV. I figure it's all he has. In the afternoon, I listen to a radio show in the bedroom. My big diversions are going to Walmart's to get groceries . . . or going to the laundomat. I seem to feel best when I talk him into a shower. I like when he's nice and clean.

Today I have fish in the freezer to take out and cook later. And he needs a shower. He cannot do that by himself at all.

That was a fair question, sophiesmom, about what would help. Him saying more nice things would help. Him saying, "Let's take a ride somewhere." would be a change of pace. I used to have him come with me to do grocery shopping. It's much easier for me to just go alone. They don't always have a scooter available.

If he ever said, "This is a lot on you. Are you sure you are up to it?" it would show he considers that I might have a different life I might like to lead. He takes all I do totally for granted. More often than not, he doesn't think of saying that the dinner tasted good.

Well, I'm sure having a pity party for me.

I worry I'll be lonely, if something happens to him.

I know my whole attitude is whiney and immature. Actually, in between these blues episodes, I do fairly okay and show him a good attitude. I don't go around depressed all the time. But I slip into it.

I could do exactly what divine says and notify his care team at the VA. A social worker there told me to just make sure he is wearing his emergency call button (it dials 911) and walk out the door.

Right now I'll go lie down, while he watches car racing shows. The fish later will be good . . . one of my favorites, though not his. I'll bake some cookies, which will make him happy.

Hang in there Rose. Hugs
Talking about fish. I bought some tuna steaks. I like to cook but am not good cooking fish as I tend to over cook everything and fish doesn't like that. I chuckled reading that you'll cook fish. I bet it's delicious.
I suggest you watch something on your tablet wearing headphones while he is watching his stuff. Netflix or Hulu and amazon prime has some great shows now.

Yes, I have good headphones and I find things. I used to have Netflix and Am. Prime. I canceled them both because I really didn't find much that I cared about. I like the TV news shows like CNN and MSNBC and FOX. Sonce I have DirecTV at my place, I guess I shoukd be able to watch my shows on my tablet, but I don'tknow how to bring them up. My tablet is a Kindle, so it has a lot of limitations. I could put another cable box in his bedroom. His bill would be higher, but it would be an option.

I'm going to have depressive episodes, no matter what. I accept that. They are episodes and they blow over. I suffered from this condition since long before I met him. What galls me is that I saw him through years of alcohol abuse, then the stroke, open heart surgery and spinal surgery. I learned everything I could about all those things that would enable me to best help him. But he says he doesn't get depression and makes ZERO effort to try. I don't hope to be babied and coddled. There never was anyone in my life to cater to me like that. He has adult children. Once, he told one of them I was saying I was depressed, so she sent cops to my house. Once, when someone in my family called me while I was crying, the next thing I knew my sister on the other side of the country sent cops to my house. I didn't go threatening self-harm, or anything remotely like that. It felt like his family and mine were warning me not to ever complain of depression or they'll call the cops on me. None of them even ever found out about that one self-harm incident, which I'ld be too ashamed to tell anyone.

For years and years, I've managed my problem with depression, usually in a very responsible way. When I would be without health insurance, I would pay for everything out of my wages - meds, counseling, pdoc appointments. He never tried to learn anything about being supportive. I will look for some literature. He's a type of person who never seems able to learn.

Our relationship changed a lot as he aged and develped health and mobility issues. I'm like some chore woman he hired for free. I have to admit - I don't even try to dress nice or put on make up anymore. When I'm here with him, I get to eat for free. Once in a while, he'll pay for some repair work on my car.

I guess that's enough whining for now.

Went out for a few groceries for dinner tonight. Just getting out of the apartment changed me.

Now I feel sorry for the way I've been all day.

I should be making the most of the time he and I have left together.

You are a caregiver and caregiver burnout is a very real thing. Be kind and understanding with yourself Rose. You are understanding with others and deserve to provide yourself with the same. (((rose)))

I haven't had any interest in therapy for years. But now I think something is wrong with me . . . that I'm not acting right.

I vacillate from being sweet as pie to him to being irritable and cold. Sometimes I think I'm guilty of elder abuse. Tonight I made a good dinner and tried to be nice to make up for the coldness I showed him earlier. I was reacting to something he did, but now I can't even remember what. He probably forgets too and wonders why I get so resentful.

This oscillating between these opposite moods is crazy.

It sounds like a lot of stress Rose. Take care of you. You are venting to get some stress off. It sounds like you need a break. You have limits and thats OK.

You do sound like you are very stressed Rose, I know you and I have discussed on a previous thread of yours about your bf's dementia and I think I said back then from what I've observed those in close relationships with people with dementia often experience a kind of grief as the relationship changes. That is one aspect of what you may be feeling now, the loss of the previous relationship. Dementia erodes empathy and reasoning skills, that may be compounding his behaviour towards you.

On the other hand you have written so much more in this thread about your relationship before dementia began, and it reads like he has a history of taking you for granted.

To address your original question, yes I think being understood helps hugely. I will relate my own experience but will hide it as it may be triggering for some:

I am sorry you have to experience this and would encourage you to seek support from those you can, whether family/friends or MH/carer support groups. No one should have to go through this alone. Take care and reach out here when you can.

Hi prefab. What you say about grieving what is lost is extremely pertinent. I have a ton of experience in geriatric nursing, and, if I did not have the long history I have with him, I would describe him as just a bit senile. He's not confused or disoriented. His judgement is quite sound. The thing is - 3/4 rths of his former personality is gone . . . evaporated.

When I took care of old people for a living, these were people I had never known as anything but old and in decline. I had no idea what they may have been like in their prime and didn't imagine it to have been much different from how they were when I met them. I never suspected that age can bring drastic loss of mental functioning, even when there is no really marked confusion. He was a person of great charisma, very witty, funny, charming, playful . . . an interesting conversationalist. He was extremely verbal . . . just naturally talented in coming up with the most adroit way of expressing a thought. He liked to tease, in a warm, good natured way. That is all gone. It is not due to depression. He's never been prone to mood fluctuation. What he probably has is vascular dementia. Medical imaging supports that - diminished blood flow to the cerebral cortex. He can't accurately add up a row of numbers. He can't identify famous movie stars. Everything is a "whachamacallit." He can't tell me the ingredients of delicious dishes he used to cook. He can't remember how to use the microwave. But he is very socially appropriate and can be left alone for a few hours without me worrying. (I telephone frequently.)

Hunks of his personality are just gone. It's like he just woke up from anesthesia and hasn't quite finished coming to. All of this happened so gradually that I never, ever noticed it happening. It's like watching the two main hands on a clock. They really don't seem to be moving at all, but they obviously aren't where they were a few hours ago. It's like the way Parkinson's Disease changed Muhammad Ali in the early years of him having that disorder. The speech therapist asked my bf to name a fruit that is yellow. He thought and thought and finally said, "banana." She asked him to name another yellow fruit and he couldn't think of one.

His values endure. He understands everything reported in the news on TV. He just voted and made a carefully considered and intelligently reasoned decision. A lot of who he was is still there. And a lot isn't.

I am in grief over what is gone . . . . that I didn't even know was leaving, until after it was gone for a while. No one thinks of offering expressions of sympathy, until the casket is being wheeled into the church. That will be such an anticlimax, as he's been leaving bit by bit for the past 5 years, or so. This doesn't happen to all people as they age. It's not an automatic concomitant of getting old. It's not a change we naturally expect. It's weird and subtle. I'm not even sure his adult children, who live at a distance, even get it.

Being with him all the time (and I am with him most hours of every day) is sometimes like being with a child who's not very bright. Much of the time he just stares at the television, like he's in a trance. Sometimes there is a repeat broadcast of a program, and he doesn't realize it's the same show he just watched.

Well, I guess that sums it up as best I can manage to do. Putting all this down has enabled me to better see that this can be a depressing situation to be in, day after day after day. Meanwhile, I have my own disorder, but no one is charged with managing that but me. I have to manage his situation . . . and my own.

What I've just thought through suggests to me that I am outside the realm of reason to think that he should be doing a better job of being supportive of me. So I have to accept that what is is.

That doesn't let him off the hook for taking me for granted all through out our years together. He did. Nothing to be done about that now. It wasn't right. But, then, I didn't have to persist in staying linked to him. That was my choice.

It must have been a welcome breakthrough in your life for your husband to be shown the light. How fortunate that he was susceptible to taking in your T's explanation. There doesn't seem to be a potential for that happening in my case. Right now there is no respected third party. Maybe a good televised documentary might have an effect. I will continue to see what I might find.

I'm cultivating a little hope that I might take a trip in the Spring, if I manage to recruit some decent help for him. Not easy to find good caregivers.

YES.

At the very least, he could say comforting things to you when you feel at your worst and not make negative comments about your weight or other sensitive topics.

It doesn't help me get over my depressive episodes quicker, but it definitely helps me emotionally to know that my mother completely understands what the depression does to me. (She also has depression.)

I have people in my life who REFUSE to understand. And yes, they make it harder. They place unrealistic expectations on you to do things you are simply not capable of.

You shouldn't settle for anything. He shouldn't be mean, and if he loves you, he should want to understand and, if he can't, at least ask what he can do or say to help you feel better. He should have some compassion even if he can't understand what it feels like. I don't know what having cancer is like but I have compassion for those that do.

I have no experience on this one.

Rose76,

I have now read all the replies, and the additional information you have given. I would say your BF is quite abusive--emotionally and verbally, in my opinion. I'm sure with your background you are familiar with the condition of codependency. I think your relationship is very codependent and unhealthy. I know you say you "signed up for this," but you do not have to settle the rest of your life to live with a man who has used and taken and abused you for 30 some odd years.

You need to do what you need to do to take care of you.

I know it sounds like you are committed to staying with him. But I'm just saying that I wouldn't judge you harshly if you did leave him and let him get put in a home. It frankly sounds like the best place for him.

Can you check out a CODA (codependents anonymous) meeting in your area? I think that would really help you get some support and learn some strategies for not getting sucked into the abuse of his mindset.

I hope things get better for you.

seesaw

Thanks, seesaw. No one at all would criticize me, if I turned his care over to a facility . . . not his family, not mine. It's an option available to me. He was in a nursing home for a few months during the past year. We're both happier with him being home.

At times, we are very content in each other's company. I know there has been much in the dynamics of our relationship that has been unhealthy. There is much about me that is unhealthy. I believe he loves me. I love him. So our involvement with each other continues. I will try to learn something about co-dependency, which is a concept I don't feel familiar with. Going to Al-Anon helped me in the past. It helped me see I needed to not live with him. I do have my own apartment.

I didn't really expect that I would end up virtually living with him again. I'm working on getting him more help, so he'll be less dependant on me, and I can be home more in my own place.

I've never known what it might be like to have a supportive someone to lean on. If something happened to my bf, I think I might like to get a dog. I see that as the biggest chance there might be for me to have some warmth and affection in my life. My bf is a lot older than me. I don't see him being around for more than a few more years, if that. I will miss him very much. There's a whole other side to our relationship that this thread doesn't give any idea of. Most of the rest of my life will probably be lived alone. I like to think how free I'll be to do whatever I feel like doing every day . . . how I'll pursue interests I've neglected . . . go places where I'll be around people I'll enjoy getting to know. Losing him will still leave a huge hole in my life. For whatever reason, he was the love of my life. I had other opportunities. I turned them down.

Mainly, I have to stop having these drastic changes in mood . . . these upsets that throw off my equilibrium. One pdoc told me I was bipolar. Others said I wasn't. Whatever is wrong with me, I need to manage it better . . . . and accept there won't be much help from him.

Whatever is wrong with you please never forget there are many things right with you too, reading your posts I am struck by your emotional intelligence.

Anticipatory grief as well as regrets over the past are a common feature in your situation, there are others facing the same challenges as you out there - I wonder if you might consider seeking support groups, some people find validation and comfort from those who share similar situations.

Take care ((((Rose76)))

I am including a link you may find helpful:

http://www.alzheimer.ca/~/media/File...s_family_e.pdf

To answer your original questions, yes, it helps to have an understanding partner. My H has no experience with dissociative disorders, but he is kind and supportive (most of the time) when I feel bad. When I was depressed, he was patient and kind. I do not think that is too much to ask.

It sounds like you are patient and kind to your bf and he does not do that in return. And it sounds like he will not change.

I guess you have to decide if this is the way you want to live. There is definitely something to be said for hanging in there when your partner is sick. And there is definitely something to be said for helping someone who needs your help. Those things can be satisfying and worthwhile. On the other hand, the fact that someone doesn't beat you is not a great reason to stay in a relationship. And there are plenty of nice people who need help and would be grateful for the help.

I wonder if deciding to take some time off would be helpful for both of you. Perhaps spending one day a week (24 hours) in your own home would help you to see what your days would be like without hi. And vice versa. And I wonder if you could get support when you are feeling depressed from someone else.

I would like to add anger to this prefabsprout, If I may.
It's a very real part of the grief that you go through with endings and change. It comes from the frustration of helplessness.....

You are mourning someone, Rose. However it's happening, it's okay.

Thanks for all of you having the patience to read my posts and offer advice and encouragement. I'm trying to train some attendants that he gets through home Medicaid. They are low paid and come with very minimal skills. (Like the only cooking they do is in the microwave.)

I do harbor anger. Not all the time; it comes and goes. Today I will go home to my place for a few hours. When I get there, after not being there much in a while, there's no fresh milk and nothing much in the refridgerator. So I start from scratch there. Wish I didn't have to come back to my bf's tonight, but I have to come back and make him supper. The going back and forth is crazy-making. It will get better when I get some pre-holiday house-cleaning done.