Sick of being valued the least

It seems that in almost all of the social groups I get involved with, I am never valued or admired. People seem to only value guys who are witty, charismatic and fun to be around. I am mentally slow and boring. If any of you have seen the new Ghostbusters movie, I seem to play the exact same role as the hunky dumb guy. Some girls seem to actually find me physically attractive, but as soon as they meet me all attraction goes out the window. The girls I hang out with at work are nice to me, but they are always poking fun at me and it is obvious they do not value my friendship or care if I am around. I see the way they treat other male friends who are more witty, charismatic and fun. It is completely different. Their fake kindness means nothing to me. I want to be valued. I want to feel like I am totally awesome and I want them to facilitate that. If they want to keep making me feel like I am nothing special, then what use do I have for them?

Be careful what you wish for, love.

Validation comes from within, not from others. The spunky, boisterous men may be the most insecure. I'd bet that they are.

You're expecting them to treat you like you're awesome when you don't seem to think that about yourself.

What about you makes you admirable? If you do nothing admirable then of course no one will think of you that way.

People aren't to be used to boost your own ego. It seems like you want to be put up on some pedestal to be worshipped.... When you're full of disdain for them?

I wish you could get yourself out of this pattern. You're jealous of every other male. You imagine all sorts of things about women and what they're thinking. You have a mixed view of thinking you're awful yet also thinking everyone else should see your brilliance. You view all positive behaviours from women towards you as fake.

Seriously it is no surprise that you're miserable. You have so many misguided beliefs and thought processes which contradict each other. Please give a new therapist a try.

Are you awkward around your peers? Are your expectations realistic? Consider your manner of social interaction. For example are you able to recognize things like someone else's comfort zone and how do you respond to that? Similarly would you say you are good at recognizing non-verbal communication?

One solution may be to stand back and observe those people you consider to be successful socially. Consider your own social behavior in comparison. Can you model it based on what you see?

Pay a great deal of attention to body language and non-verbal cues.

Ask yourself if you are maybe being overly assertive or the oppositie.

There is likely great potential for things to turn around. Socializing is often not as easy as it appears to be. No matter who you are, it takes work.

It also seems that making a connection is not the problem. I am reading this of the opinion that it is maintaining the flow of communication that is the issue. Again, observe how this is done by your peers.

You do not have to accomplish this in one night. Take babysteps.

I have another thought here and it pertains to Social Networking. The more we use it or rely upon it the less able I believe people can be to interact in real life. I am one to believe Social Networking like Facebook and other chat outlets should be kept to a minimum. As they are impersonal and fail to include those aspects of non-verbals communication I spoke of it is too easy to call someone a friend. We can't expect the same to happen so easily in real-life.

I can relate.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way Isn't some way you can learn a bit of social skills? Maybe that could help..

Nothing makes me awesome or admirable. Like I said, I am not witty or charismatic or fun to be around. But yes I do want to be around people who think I'm awesome. Who doesn't want to be? You want to be around people who just let you tag along because they feel sorry for you? I am sure you don't. I didn't say I want them to put me on a pedestal or worship me, I just want them to think highly of me, like they do of each other.

You criticize my thought process, but what's your alternative? Be happy with people who think I am worthless simply because they are right? It doesn't work that way.

Hmm, "what use do I have for them." That right there is a comment that worries me.

Previous posters are correct, validation comes from within, but I wonder if your attempt to communicate and interact are as clumsy as your post was. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound harsh. But when you talk about 'using' another human being I wonder about your boundries and interactions.
justafriend306 had some good suggestions and pointers I might start there. All the best, I hope you find a way to work this out.

Yes my interactions are very clumsy, but probably not what you are thinking. I don't have a problem with boundries and I don't give anyone the impression I am "using" them. My work friends I am talking about actually think I am one of the nicest people they know. And that is probably why they feel compelled to include me and be nice to me. The problem is, "nice" and "thoughtful" are not qualities that people actually admire or value. Especially in males. The males who are valued are always the witty, charismatic ones.

Shadix, I said right in my post what my suggestion is - seek a new therapist to help you work through things.

And, for the record, the very best person I have ever known is a nice and thoughtful man. Who is not charismatic or witty. In fact he is shy, quiet, cheesey and totally awkward a lot of the time. I would do absolutely anything for him.

You could use some therapy. You say you have no use for people unless they are feeding your ego and making you feel awesome about yourself. These are not realistic expectations to constantly have. Sometimes we need our friends to boost or cheer us up but true happiness comes from the inside. You need to learn how to validate yourself and make your own self feel awesome so you can enjoy your friends more and not use them as just an ego boost. Tell your friends how awesome they are instead of expecting them to always make you feel that way. (((Hugs)))

You don't need to be witty or charismatic to be liked. Why don't you do something that makes you unique like volunteer or pursue exciting hobby?

I certainly believe that therapy is what you need.

For a minute I thought you are describing my husband. I was like "wait a minute..."😂😂😂

The men I know who are most universally admired and respected by others are the quiet, polite, kind ones that are simply true to themselves and tend to fly under the radar. The fact that they include you and speak of you kindly is testament to who you are. Consider actually recognizing that.

You are very wrong. Nice and thoughtful men are very much admired. Witty and charismatic are admired as well. There is no universal rule on what type of people are admired. Everyone is different and everyone finds different things admirable

Do you ever do anything that makes you feel like you are totally awesome? What is that thing, if yes?

Be honest, would you be happy hanging out with people who do not see you as intelligent or fun or attractive and let you tag along with them simply out of pity?

Again, if you really want to know what I am talking about, watch the new Ghostbusters movie and take note of their attitude towards Kevin.

And I don't believe that you can feel awesome without other people validating you somewhat. Only a delusional, narcissistic person can continue to see themselves a certain way despite everyone around them seeing them a completely different.

Yeah actually, all the time. But then I come back to reality and realize that nobody is impressed, so the awesomeness is all in my head. I think I often overestimate how awesome I look doing certain things when in reality there is nothing special about it.

My best suggestion Shadix: Get over yourself.
Seriously, thread after thread and they all depict the same thing and there's one thing that connects them all, you're standing in your own way.

So get over yourself, you are the obstacle here, not others.

It's not how awesome you LOOK doing things, it's how you feel. My point is do what makes YOU feel awesome, and someone may notice and think you are awesome.

Can you be more specific in things you do that make you look awesome? I'm imagining a fit athletic guy seriously riding a primo bike wearing designer bike workout duds. Is that what you mean?

For example: I loved acting. When I acted, people would come up to me after and say I gave a great performance. That made me feel great, but that isn't why I loved acting. I just loved doing it. I loved the whole process from the reading the script to the cast party. So if people thought I was 'awesome' for what I did, that was not of much value to me. Although it was nice and validating. If they had said I was awful, I might have stopped myself from acting knowing I was making a fool of myself and the fun of it would have been ruined for me.

I agree with others the concerning interpretation of your posts as the wish to use people for your gratification. Perhaps you chose your words without thought but it is difficult for me to ignore.

It seems to me that you may be expecting the people around you owe you something like attention. My question then is what things are you willing to give them in return? I think it's time to evaluate how you define social interraction and friendship. What do you really want out of this? What do you then consider is your own part in them?

Being social and friendly actually comes with responsibility. I think you may have come across as having no wish to invest such work into peop;e to do so.

I am trying to be constructive in my critical tone here. Sometimes that too is a part of true friendship.

you sound like a nice person, but if you want affection as it sounds, you'll have to work at it. i myself learned how to be a better person socially when i had a easy job.i made several friends and we were also coworkers at the same time.good luck

If every person sees you a certain way at some point you need to look within and ask why. The answer could lie within or with the choices you make for friends. I've not seen the new Ghostbusters movie but I have been gang attacked by hundreds of people in my high school due to a false rumor that spread. It was lonely and I did learn how to hold onto some self esteem despite being alone....and I'm not a narcissist. By definition narcissistic people REQUIRE other people to define and reflect good things back to them. They have no use of people who don't feed their self esteem.

I'm a bit different and so I don't always make tons of friends quickly. In the workplace or school settings you are often a target waiting to happen if you don't have friends. I've been friendly with people who weren't the nicest just out of necessity. They wouldn't have been my first choice in friends nor am I theirs but safety keeps us together and I do learn to appreciate them. You don't sound like you even like your friends and they treat you like crap so why are you friends again?

I don't know why this is so difficult for you to understand. Perhaps you have always been around people who value you so you don't know any different?

We are defined by our social interactions. Whatever roles you play in the groups you hang out with, that is essentially who you are as a person. If you see yourself as something different from that, then you are being delusional. So if I surround myself with people who see me as a clumsy, awkward, dumb guy, then I take on that persona. That is not the persona I want to have.

What do I give them in return for attention? Ummm, I give them my attention? Why should I give them anything else? Is my attention not worth as much as theirs? These are just coworkers who hang out together for fun, we are not close friends. Nobody really invests much work into this, they just be themselves and that is enough. Why does that not seem to be enough for me?

But no, I do not come across as using them or not caring about them. They actually joke about how they are not nice people and how I am the only nice person in the group.

You either accept your weaknesses, or improve them.

No point to keep lamenting them.

Well there is another problem. I cannot work on improving my social charisma because every time I try to express my opinions or be funny, I am shamed or mocked for saying something stupid. I feel like it shouldn't be too much to ask that people just put up with it.