So. M is no more

My friend M, who I had met back in March and saw every so often since has told me that he is talking to his ex gf again. Which takes me out of the picture.
I don't foresee him coming back even though it hurts like all kinds of hell to acknowledge it. And honestly, if the love of my life from 10 years ago showed up at my door and said, come on, let's go, I wouldn't even bother to close the door behind me. So, though I am sad, and hurt, I'm not mad.

What does bug the crap out of me though is the words he was continuing to use....I'm sorry my love. I am sorry lover. kissy face. And when I asked if he had ever actually loved me, he said he did and was afraid to say it because he didn't know what I would think. Is that not tragic? I loved him since May, he loved me, neither of us would say it. Me because of the BS rules of 'let the guy say it first'. Would it have made a difference at this time? I don't know.

I know the backstory of the ex gf. I don't know the details of why she left. but obviously, after 14 years together (through their 20s and some 30s) and he never had another long term gf in the 5 years afterwards...I guess they still have something. Or are trying to figure that out. I wish him the best. Just wish I could stop crying over it though. Because I wanted to be his best.

this too shall pass, I have been through much much worse than this, and have survived it.

sorry to hear of this. Hope your heart heals soon.

It's not a nice situation you've found yourself in at all. Allow yourself time to heal

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Healing takes time and is hard, but you will come through it in time.

Thank you all for your kind words. I really do appreciate it very much.
I have come into some more information that completely explains his behaviors and the reason he left so quickly even though he still loved me.
His ex gf is a narcissist and he is a codependent who jumped every time she crooked her little finger at him. My spidey sense believes she called him on his birthday Nov 14 because he was very odd by Thanksgiving and after.
Anyway, I had been querying the wrong question on google before, when I googled this dynamic, it COMPLETELY explained his behaviors that I kept talking about from the beginning. I got the information before I went to google, this isn't an assumption.
I really thought I wanted him back but now, I'm not so sure. He's going to be even further damaged by her when she dumps him yet again. With my bipolar and anxiety issues, I just dont think I can deal with a man who is an abuse survivor with ptsd.
Not sure what to think at the moment.
other than it breaks my heart to know she's going to hurt him again.

The Replacement Mentality: But WHY did they go back to their toxic ex when they could have had me?

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...healthy-woman/

these are the articles I read and it was totally spot on.

So, we emailed back and forth yesterday, he is sorry for my pain...he's also torn between her and me. But. I drew the line at his suggestion of me being his 'gf on the side' of his gf. I didn't at first, that desperate part of me said yes at first. Then the more intelligent part of me realized i'd just dropped my dignity to the floor. so I have sent him a message letting him know that even though I want nothing more than to be with him, I deserve to be treated better than that and cannot choose to be treated any less than the good, kind , generous person I am.
God only knows how much more drama this will end up with, I'm praying he will just let it go. I was kind to him, I told him if he wanted to work on this thing with her, it wasn't fair to them two...or to me...to have his focus split. But that I'm not closing any doors. I feel like, if they weren't able to work this out in 14 years, it's probably not going to work out this time either.

I deserve to be someone's first choice. I've been second to way too many people over the last 10 years.

You do deserve to be someone's first choice. don't settle for less.

To all honesty a man who makes such suggestion to a woman, who clearly cares for him, is not worth 5 minutes of your time. He has no respect for you and now caused you to lose respect for yourself. I don't even know him but he grosses me out. He isn't a decent man. You are intelligent and insightful person. I know love could be blind but it doesn't need to be THAT blind. You deserve way more than such treatment. I feel saddened on your behalf

PS it's not worth it investigating why people do what they do. There is no point because we will never know the answer. But it's important to investigate why WE do what we do. I think maybe working with a t on this is important right now. Why you allow such treatment and why keeping doors open for such men etc rather than why HE does this or that.

As I sit here and think about what you have said, I have wondered it myself, what is it about me that allows this or thinks it's ok to be treated badly. And honestly I don't think it's ok but I get caught up and I don't stand up for myself. I even talked to my T once but the conversation really didn't go very far. Both of my drs have said separately that I don't do well in relationships especially with sex. They didn't exactly elaborate though.

Part of me wonders if this wasn't partly hypomania, because I get hypersexual and for me it is a VERY strong influence. My last two breakdowns involved a breakup where in hindsight I saw that I'd been manic or hypomanic for months and then crashed at the breakup. One of those involved a hospital stay.

Part of me wonders if I feel I need to be punished. For what I'm not sure...I do have childhood trauma from abuse by a teacher for transgressions not under my control.

Maybe I was supposed to learn a lesson?

Definitely more fuel for some therapy sessions.

I'm too accepting, too malleable, too gullible, too vulnerable, perhaps too needy. having bipolar illness doesn't help, it can sometimes take away my ability to make good choices. that's why I wonder if there might have been some element of elevation going on. it doesn't seem to take much. I don't have to be full blown manic and nonfunctional for my thoughts to be affected.

Thank you Divine, as always you have great insight and words to ponder.

Great insights fairy.

Thanks for kind words. I have my own share of putting up with stuff and making some very questionable choices. So most certainly no judgement here. I do have a good therapist who helped me a lot to break the pattern.

My previous relationship was almost 9 years living with functioning alcoholic in hopes he'd quit. Of course he didn't quit. I knew he was an alcoholic after 3 months of dating. Didn't need almost a decade of my life wasted on trying to change someone. We can't change no one. But we can change patterns of sticking around in bad situation.

I hope your therapist could help to investigate further.

I am definitely not doing too well on the mental illness front, as an aftermath of all this drama trauma.
I tried to call my pdoc last week and she is out of the office til this week, was closed today. So I will call tomorrow. I have been spending literally HOURS for the last three nights looking at youtube videos of fortune tellers, just one after another after another. Looping negative thoughts, tears. I'm not on an antidepressant because every time I try to take it I am so overcome with nausea I just can't bring myself to take it a second day. (I've attempted it 3 times now). I hadn't been taking it for months because I didn't feel I needed it. I even tried taking dramamine, ginger capsules, tagamet, crackers and ginger ale. I called my pdoc last week and the message that was returned was to double the antidepressant...I tried one night and just...I can't. the only other solution is the antipsychotic, which I also have not taken in months because, I've been stable. Or at least I guess I thought I was? I'd been on the lamictal the whole time, so I haven't been completely med free. All the same, it looks like I may be headed for a free fall. Let's hope my pdoc can stop it in it's tracks. My nurse friend suggested I ask for zofran for the nausea....any time a med suggests it can cause GI effects...it does.

One of the things I think I discovered in my foray into fortune tellers is this...I cross referenced one in particular with my written journal and I THINK I can see evidence of him lying to me for MONTHS. I swear, I asked him point blank, up front, was he looking for a relationship or just casual hook ups. He flat out lied with his epic dating profile and 'wish to be in a relationship'. I don't really know how long this other girl was in the picture but it is apparent she has always been there. And here I was feeling bad for him over his '3 jobs' and working so hard he hardly had time to do anything. I just wish he'd been honest from the get go. If he really didn't like me I wish he'd have found someone else to be with.

Anyway. Whether or not he lied by commission or omission, me in my fertile imagination filled in the gaps of any information he gave me and made up some 'thing' between us that never existed. I think that I am being quite hard on myself for being so naive. and stupid. I'm a bright woman, I think, 'how could he have done this to me, how did I not see through it?" On the other hand...he's 43 he's had a LONG time to perfect his game and apparently he's pretty good at it. I am no longer on any dating sites, I won't go back to those again. It's a horrible place for a person who isn't entirely stable, or at least it is very destabilizing. I thought I was doing so well mentally. But any relook at my journals shows just how much of a roller coaster my thoughts have been for this entire time.
I do think there is something wrong with him, I thought it after the very first time I went out with him. I even wrote that I wasn't going to go out a second time. So why did I? I have no idea. I wrote so many times that I was done with him, that I was going to stop seeing him....and none of them materialized. I kept going back. and I don't even know why?

So. yes. back to therapy, back to the pdoc, time to get my clarity and stability back. I"m just so at a loss. I even began questioning whether or not I should even be living alone if my judgement is so bad? Like maybe I should be living in supervised housing! This from a woman who spent 24 years as an active duty military spouse who raised two kids and moved overseas twice...I managed all of that with out any crazyness, I was normal for so many years. I"m scared. and you know what's even worse out of it all???? Tonight I was crying and actually wanted to go back to my ex husband!!! I was like...I want to go home.

I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired of feeling so unstable. And so tired of being alone dealing with it all. I have no one to turn to in my real life except my doctors who were not available when I actually needed them over the holiday. Who knew? I certainly didn't.

The last time I had a break up, I was ok for about 3 weeks, I mean I was upset and cried off and on a few times...but it steadily got worse...and in the 4th week I ended up in the psych hospital inpatient because I wanted to hurt myself and I had the plans and the means and the time. My therapist made me go to the hospital. Even after 2 weeks IP, I was still not ok until after maybe 6 months. So yeah. I'm scared.

I'll keep you all updated.

I am so very sorry you are hurting.

Please seek help and I know you'll get better.

When I asked my t why so and so did this or that (insisted on dating me while apparently having a gf), she said it's because he is unhealthy, lots of people are just too unhealthy to conduct their relationship decently. So it's not because of you, he is just incapable of normal relationship.

And sometimes when we are desperate we do this wishful thinking. So instead of paying attention to actions we just go by their words which we want to believe. Unfortunately nothing in your interactions with this guy ever indicated that you were in a relationship, yet you wanted to believe it was not a casual hookup.

Heck I was a victim of romance scam (I lost tons of money)yet I am middle aged professional with graduate degree and tons of life experience. Other victims are just as intelligent. It's nothing to do with how smart we are. Desperation does terrible things to our minds.

When you feel better get engaged in various activities that don't involve dating (for now), be out and about as much as you can. Join women meetups, go do stuff

But first get help from pdoc. We are all here for you. Hugs to you

I know, you are right and I DID know that it wasn't really a relationship...I never really knew what to call it exactly, it wasn't just hook ups because there was a little more (I've had hook ups and they were pretty much hop on hop off leave)...my little brain wanted more and imagined there was more. It was never anything real. I believe that is what hurts the worst is the disillusionment...my bubble has been burst. I was so far out in unreality and had nothing better to do all the time than use my imagination.
sick sick

to be honest, based on a lot of our interactions, I believe he is probably a sex addict...and I've come to wonder if I might be a love addict (just a variation of a theme) and those seem to go together a lot of times according to articles I've read

I used to think I was love addict. In reality I was perhaps recreating childhood seeking love. I was raised by decent and good but emotionally unavailable people. Just seek familiar I guess. I also always wanted tons of sex. According to my t feeling strong desire and lots of sexual chemistry is often just a response to familiar (unhealthy attachment to unavailable people, more unavailable they are, more sex we want because our body responds to all we know-unhealthy). More unhealthy it is, more sex we want.

Growth starts with awareness. You'll be fine. You are strong and insightful. Hang in there

update:
I did get to my dr and she put me on seroquel to address the depression. I've taken it two nights in a row now, boy I forgot how sleepy it makes me in the mornings. But this morning I did wake up at 5am and 10 am so that's good.
I'm not crying all day long. I'm still a little obsessive in my thinking but that should ease here soon.
I"m also doing a program with a life coach, just started Friday and she is so positive and I feel much better. The theme she uses is the laws of attraction and a lot of it makes total sense in the quantum physics/mechanics explanation of things. I totally get that everything is energy, including thoughts. SO. trying to think of things in a positive rather than a negative way and looking to try and love myself, improve myself and do the work to invite better things into my life.

one of those things I have figured out is that all of the men (to include my ex H) I have been with have had major issues with childhood emotional neglect/abandonment. this last breakup mirrors the one I had in 2006...And as I have suspected before, I have those same mom issues as well (my mom did a lot of things to harm me emotionally, she also suffered depression so was neglectful as well). so apparently I have life lessons to learn.

Divine, we seem to have a lot in common I think. You are right, I am becoming aware, I"m going to grow and I will be fine. Thank you SO much for being here for me. I really appreciate you.