Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

I agree there is definitely two sides of the screen and three sides to a story...

I also agree with 90% of the advice given but i also see from the first few threads it was clear she wasn't looking for advice. Disclaimer could certainly help in the future.

Wasn't trying to slam anyone, just offering my side.

I agree people have the right to comment as they see fit and thank you Seesaw for all the supportive comments you have left me.

I know personally when I post it's often to express, to be heard, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to do that here. This is an amazing community.

I do sometimes feel that even when someone posts as disclaimer as Mapper did about venting some members are compelled to offer advice. Advice is not always what's needed imo.

My heart sinks when I see posts from members who express frustations that OPs are still stuck on the same issue, that person is likely feeling stuck themselves and expressing our own frustration is not helpful. We can choose not to reply to a thread or even put someone on ignore. But to tell them to post elsewhere, like a blog could really lead to feelings of rejection. If you can't be listened to without judgement on PC then where can you?

Not taking anything away from this community - as I say you are all amazing. I guess this is a difference of opinion about what support actually constists of. To me it's often just allowing expression without judgement.

You said it perfectly.

I agree that the OP should be allowed to vent if that's what she needs. And I think it's perfectly okay for others to offer suggestions for how to cope with her situation, if they feel they have valuable advice. I think the thing to remember is what Sabby posted recently, which is to make sure that what you post is always in the spirit of giving support to the OP. I think if we always consider whether or not what we are going to say will be supportive or not, and not just out of our own frustration with the OP's situation, then we won't go wrong.

Seesaw

In no shape or form I personally told op to post elsewhere. I am not the boss here. If anyone else told her to stop posting, I haven't seen it. Some people don't think of blogging and simple suggesting to look into it isn't the same as telling people what to do. I personally hate journals and diaries and would hate blogging. But many people might find it helpful. It's personal choice but I see no crime in asking or suggesting it.

If making suggestions to op isn't helpful, I don't see how it's helpful to criticize what other posters post? If op dislikes something she'd let us know.

I apologise divine, you did suggest blogging rather than telling. I understand from your elaboration that you meant it helpfully and of course the op may well find value in the suggestion.

My reply was meant as support for mapper and her right and all our rights to vent on here if needed.

Well Christmas and birthday are over and both were underwhelming. I got a sore throat Christmas Eve, which turned into a full-blown cold by Christmas night. I felt miserable on my birthday and H had to be reminded that it WAS my birthday and that's as birthday as it got as I spent the rest of the day on the couch. I'm taking today off as well because I still don't feel up to par. H is of course not going in again today. He tells me they are doing inventory today and tomorrow so they aren't required to go in, but he's DEFINITELY going in to get his check. Right. He even texted his daughter last week that he was picking his paycheck up LAST Tuesday and that he'd get her the tuition after that. Then texts her on Christmas day saying that the checks were late (of course!) and that he's getting it THIS Tuesday instead and that's when she'll get her Christmas present. Once again, failing to get her anything ON Christmas but whenever he feels like it. If I were her, I wouldn't hold my breath. H didn't even come to bed until almost 4AM after telling me at 9PM when I went to bed that he'd be in soon as he was pretty tired, which is code for "I'll be in much later." He managed to finish an entire bottle of wine and who knows what else. He tells me that when he goes in to pick up his check that he's going to talk to his boss and figure something out. He has told me now (forget about the being a cook idea and the working selling pot at the pot store idea) that he's thinking that he'll just volunteer to be laid off until the busy season starts since his boss had sort of tossed that idea around and then he'll just collect unemployment while waiting to hear about this other job. Oh that's a FINE idea! Unemployment will give you maybe $300/week which will put you much further in debt. Oh but he can also go work with this guy who offered him a sort of job over a year ago working in his metal shop. I had to talk him out of that last year before he got his current job because this guy is on an island which requires a ferry ride with his car which will cost him about $80/week and he would probably get minimum wage, if that. He hasn't even talked to the guy in over a year but assumes this is a viable option. He even told me the other night that he was such a loser. I didn't deny it! Guarantee you when he does get up,which probably won't be until noon, he'll go "oh you didn't go to work today?" I'll go "Nah, why would I want to work? You've taken over a week off without pay so I thought I'd do the same." Because for some reason it totally shocks him when I don't go into work once every 3 months but it's perfectly acceptable for him not to go in for weeks.

My husbands ex could never keep a job. Well he now pays her alimony because she has very limited work history and judge felt she needs X amount of years to start a semi decent job.

You said he has college degree and student loans? Who pays those back and why is he working minimum wage jobs? Although my husbands ex also has college degree but the only jobs she ever had were 15 hours a week minimum wage. Amazing. My husbands ex would be a great match for your husband. Just amazing. Is he an alcoholic? Goes to bed at 4am and consumes so much...sounds so stressful

The student loans aren't from a college, they are from MMI (Motorcycle Mechanics Institute) from 20 years ago. He is paying back those on a monthly basis. That is the one thing of his I have never had to pay. He had a high paying job that he left last year because he didn't like it. He started at $15 there and left there after 7 years making $37/hr. He had just made the big jump from $25 to $37 about 6 months before he quit but wanted something with less stress so took a service advisor job at a power sports shop. Now he makes $16/hr but says it's too hectic in the busy season and to boring in the off season and they just cut his commission by half. So apparently not going in at all for a week without pay (now a week and a day) is much better than being bored at work and bringing home a paycheck. He always finds a way to justify what he's doing. This time will probably say he's not going in so they can see just how valuable an employee he is since not as much gets done when he's not there!

Wow. I can't imagine how he is going to pay loans if He is unemployed. I imagine he borrowed tons of money if he is still paying it 20 years later! He might need to see a therapist, there must be something going with him that he'd quit well paid job. Wow. It appears that unless he seeks help for himself (or you quit supporting him) nothing will change. I can't imagine how you two manage. You must make tons of money. We both hold well paid full time professional jobs yet we have not much money for extras.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of bullsh@t that people will put up with. A friend of mine used to tell people who complained about their situation but refuse todo anything to change it...."come down off that cross little martyr, there's only room for one up there."

No I don't make tons of money. Only bring home about $60,000 a year. I have just never been a spender and had so much money saved before I met him. Key word there is "had" money saved. A lot of that is gone now, but I still have a reserve. My monthly paycheck can usually cover everything, but I still need to withdraw about $500/month from my savings to help make ends meet if I don't get any help from him. I am definitely not adding anything to my account having him around. thank god I have my 401k at work. that's up over $100,000 Of course, I can't touch any of that for another 15 years.

I hope you aren't touching 401k and keep it for retirement or rainy day.

Just to give you a warning that since your husband barely works if you ever divorce him, you most likely will pay alimony to him (if you stay much longer). My husband makes a little over what you make and he pays around 1/3 of it in alimony, total of 10 years of paying. His ex could never keep a job, either quit or was fired. So longer you support him, more you'll pay him in divorce. So pretty much you are screwed either you stay with him or divorce. You'll be supporting him regardless.

Please at least protect yourself for old age

Mapper, I respect that you do not believe in divorce. I don't agree with it, but that's your value and you are completely entitled to have it. And I know you don't want a whole lot of advice, but I do have a suggestion. You spend a lot of time getting upset about the things your husband does or doesn't do, and how he treats you. If I were in your shoes, I would do everything I can do move on and enjoy my life without bothering with him and his shenanigans. Stop worrying about what he does and doesn't do, treat him like the roommate he is, and go about your life. Make outside friends and enjoy their company. Join a bowling league or a book club. Find people you can spend time with who will appreciate you for you who you are and spend as little time as possible with this man. I think this will help you at least be happier with life, if you can't change things about your marriage.

Good luck,
seesaw

I wish I could, I really really do. I've been told several times by others on this site and other sites that I need to do what makes me happy, but I just can't get over CONSTANTLY wondering if he's at work, if he's going to stay at work all day or make up some excuse to come home, if he's getting fired, how long it's going to be before he has another episode of not going to work for days at a time. Then if it's not that, it's thinking about just how much in debt he is or how many unfinished projects that need to be done by him or how much crap is sitting around our house that irritates me or knowing that he's going to spend every moment of his free time playing this damn video game and staying up until 4AM and then not going to work the next day but promising me he will, or all these other jobs he says he's going to apply for, but doesn't.

As far as going out with other people, I don't do that either because he seems to get irritated if I make plans without him, even though all he's going to be doing is sitting at home playing his video game not even knowing if I'm there or not. Then I get his sarcasm and I feel bad about myself and just want to curl up into a ball and not do anything so I just stay home and do nothing so as not to upset him or upset my life.

I still think you need to read about codependency,if you haven't already.I think it would be very beneficial for you.You are obsessed with him,addicted to him.

You must start with yourself,work on yourself,there's really no other way if you want things to change.It must begin with YOU,you have to change yourself,not him.

Also,you could always venture out on your own,get your own place,without filing for a divorce.You could just separate for awhile,work on yourself,then reconcile if you choose to.

I respect your desire to remain in the marriage. I know you're not asking for advice, but I would highly recommend reading "Codependent No More' by Melanie Beatty. You might also find "Have a New Husband By Friday" (Kevin Leman) helpful. There is also a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" that deals with situations like yours. I think you can apply the principles from these books to your marriage to at the very least improve your quality of life and perhaps be the agent of change for your husband.

Moving out to my own place would cause so much stigma among everyone I know. I would feel so weird, telling everyone what was going on. Plus, how the hell would I pay for my own place along with nearly the entire monthly mortgage that I pay. An apartment would probably cost MORE than what we pay for our mortgage! Moving dealing with all that is too much of a hassle and not what I would ever do.

If he would at least be honest with me with what is going on with him, but he never tells me his plans or how he's feeling until he's been pulling the crap like he's pulling now for weeks. I'll be so angry and want to know what is going on but he'll just joke with how he's such a loser by not going to work, but at least he's not out at bars every night drinking and picking up women and then change the subject. I get it if you don't like your job and you want to find a new one, but every time this happens he feels the need to take days off of work to figure out what he needs to do when in reality he isn't figuring out what to do, he's just avoiding work and going into his own fantasy world of video games. And once he starts, he can't stop. Who in this world can not go into work for days at a time, sometimes not even calling in, and NEVER lost their job??!! What employer constantly says "ok" when he comes up with these outlandish stories as to why he cant' be at work?

I mean I stayed home from work yesterday and again today because I have a cold and I feel bad doing that even when they encourage you to stay home if you're sick. I almost always go in when I'm sick so it's really hard for me to feel okay with staying home. Yet he will stay home for days without a care in the world that he will lose his job...and he never does!

Do you realize that in every post you are just giving excuses why you can't do this or that?Or that every post is about him and not about you really?

What about YOU?

I am really surprised about stigma you are talking about. I really dont understand. You aren't embarrassed that your husband drinks all night, treats you bad, doesn't work and does **** like contacting old girlfriends, yet you are embarrassed to get divorced. Divorce is so very common. .I've been divorced most of my adult life and never experienced stigma. You don't have kids so why would anyone even care if you are married or not?

Join bunch of meetups. go do stuff. Let your husband be irritated. What do you care. Next time you are going to movies with movie group and he is pissed you tell him that he can file for divorce. You know that he will not.

Do you see a therapist? That might be helpful

As about why your husband does this or that. It's pointless to try figuring it out. You may never know the answer. He knows that you'll pay bills so he doesn't care if he has a job or not. If he had to support himself he'd work like everyone else. Don't waste your time thinking what he does and why. Who cares. Worry about yourself only

Mapper,just curious,are you afraid of your husband?Does he physically abuse you,or are afraid one day he will?

Or are you afraid of being alone?

No I'm not afraid he'll hit me. he never has. He can just get angry so quickly and he will talk over me and make me feel horrible. Start raising his voice and not let me speak and turn everything back on me. I mean he does that over the smallest things. He kept saying to me on Sunday that he thinks Saturday Night Live was on the night before because he saw something on Facebook about it and we should watch it On Demand. I told him that it wasn't on the night before and that it wasn't scheduled to be back on for 2 weeks. I know because I saw it the week before and it said the guests for the next show were on January 14. He swore up and down that he saw something on Facebook about it and I once again told him that I was positive it wasn't on the night before as it was Christmas Eve. Well I barely got that out before he jumped down my throat about "Well can we just take a look!!" If he's going to jump down my throat over a fricking tv show, can you imagine what he'd do if I confront him about not going to work or getting a divorce?? He'd jump down my throat and turn it all around on being my fault somehow.

But you seem obviously very hurt by the fact that you can never speak your mind.