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#1
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Hi all,
I have a strange problem with my mother which is hard to describe. I would like ask your opinion about it. My mother is almost 65 and I am 28. We live in different countries, don't see eachother often and don't talk too much (she would like to talk more though). The Story She has raised me alone: my father died when I was 3 and she never remarried nor dated anyone again. My grandmother died when I was 7, which made things even more difficult for my mother. My mother worked as a music teacher her whole life. She worked a lot and she had to listen to children playing bad music every day 5 days a week. We would do some activities together, like walk in a park or take a trip somewhere. We were fighting quite a lot as far as I can remember it. But I am not sure what it was anymore. It was not the money, I never did drugs nor smoked anything, never hanged out with shady people... She was always very protective and very caring. Too caring actually. I remember some friends of her would say things like "If she (me) asked for the Moon you (my mother) would get it for her". When I turned 18 I moved out to study in a different city. I couldn't really live with my mother anymore and I had a good excuse. I would come back for the weekends but we would fight frequently, so I stopped coming back often. I was getting along with the landlady (she was living in the same house) much better than with my mother and I prefers the landlady's company over my mother's... My mother did visit me a couple of times, but it was some sort of a mental struggle for me. When I turned 22 I moved out to another country to continue my education. We would see eachother once a year. When I met my now-husband at the age of 25 she didn't take it well. She did say some mean things like "You'll get over this one and you'll find another one" and "You can't live without a d***". When she has realized that me and him were serious, she started crying about it. Last year we got married. My mother was invited to the wedding although I had a bad feeling about it. Throughout the wedding she was obviously too worried (it was creeping me out a little): she played with her necklace until it got completely tangled and I had to untangle it. Then she offered me some pills (probably some herbal stuff) to calm my nerves. I found that offer really weird because I was only a little nervous (it's my wedding day after all). Throughout that day I had an impression she was treating me as a child, telling me to behave at the table and not speak too loud. Long story short, at the end of the day we had a fight where I said she should stop treating me like I am a small child and she told me what a horrible person I am, that my family in-law will soon find out how bad I really am and that every time she talks to me she wants to kill herself. I was shocked. I didn't want to stay in a fight with her on my wedding day so I went and apologized to her. We didn't visit her for Christmas this year (she wasn't really inviting us). My husband is rather easy going and he generally wants to visit her. She made a big fuss about it when we decided to visit her together for the first time and started renovating the rooms. She did it in a very strange way - she didn't do anything with the windows and the doors, but she hired men to do the walls, and she didn't do anything with the scratched floor afterwards. She was very upset about the noise and the dust from the renovation, and that they have scratched the floor. When we arrived, the renovation was "finished". My husband thought that it would be a good idea to help her out and paint the windows and the doors the next time we visit her. The next time (6 months later) we went there and started renovating one door. Again, my mother started complaining about the dust and something else and made a really big deal out of it. She started saying things to me. I lost my temper and I screamed at my husband because it was his idea. I never screamed at him before because he is a sweetheart. I felt awful on so many levels. Now she lives in this strange partially renovated apartment. A lot of things (like painting the floor) can be done, but she is not doing it. I decided to stop getting involved, whatever I will do it will probably make her angry. And I don't talk to her much anymore. I am afraid to tell her things because she overreacts to everything. If I told her that I had problems at work she would not sleep at night thinking about it. And then call me to talk bout it. Every day probably. She doesn't have many friends and she likes to gossip a little (although she would not admit it). We don't seem to have any interests in common, but is that important? Once me and my husband suggested that she finds a new hobby and she found that very insulting. She immediately brought up 'a hobby' a friend of hers who spends lot of time on the internet dating sites. Oh, what a horrible thing to do for a single woman! I keep telling myself that I cannot change her in any way, I can just change my way of interacting with her. My solution was to not talk to her much. But I feel bad about it every day. She lives alone and I am her only child. So the questions is... How come we don't get along? She is still working, she is not drinking, she is caring and she did so much for me. I would appreciate any feedback.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() avlady, cakeladie
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#2
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Why you don't get along is such a huge question. Maybe you remind her of your father who she lost and can't deal with, maybe she's jealous of your youth and possibilities.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
![]() avlady
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#3
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You sound like a caring daughter, though. I'm sorry the relationship is strained. I have similar issues. Hugs.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
![]() avlady, JustJenny
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#4
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Oh my...sounds very similar to the relationship I had with my mom only my dad was alive. Growing up & even through therapy until last year....9 years after she died I couldn't really figure out what it was about my mom that caused us to fight so bad...all my life. I was an only child also.
For me, I looked at other kids parents from outside the real relationship & they all seemed so different than my parents. I resented that feel of overprotection so I know that was part of the fight. Also for me, my mother seemed so out of touch with reality. She led a sheltered life of her own & I know I never respected her lack of self-confidence. When out in public I didn't want anyone to know they were my parents from as young as I can remember. I think while fighting hard to be nothing like her I ended up fighting her also & the things she did that I wanted to be nothing like. As a child we can be rather insensitive....she always told me that I would come to know how smart she was when I grew up but it never happened...even at the time she died she had made some really stupid choices that hurt me & even caused a trauma that caused me to deal with PTSD issues. In my case I never grew to respect her ideas or opinions as something I could accept as my own the way she expected me to. She was also emotion driven & never thought about things logically which caused me to have even more issues with her. Basically our personalities were like oil & water....I could tolerate her while on vacation but any time I said something she would take it personally & get her feelings hurt & I never walked on eggshells for her....so we never really got along except when I was in a tolerating mood. Most times when she got her feelings hurt...I would just leave her alone. When she felt like getting over it she would call & we would go on as if nothing happened & most times I either couldn't remember even what bothered her in the first place. Growing up, we would fight & I couldn't even remember what the fight was about right after while she stewed for days ![]() What I did come to realize was just how dysfunctional my nice parents were....no drinking, no abuse....there was just no emotional connection to learn from which was why I didn't recognize the red flags as being as serious as they were before my own marriage....all I knew was totally dysfunctional parents I didn't understand as dysfunctional until my eyes were finally opened a few years ago....all those years I was fighting dysfunction but had no idea that was what was happening
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
![]() avlady
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![]() JustJenny
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#5
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You just said it. You CAN'T change anyone, but you can change the way you interact with her.
I noticed you recently gave me an advice in another thread, and i appreciate it. But well, from what i can see, the situation is a little bit ambiguous, since it seems like your mother is either angry or jeallous. What i can say is that you could ask her what bothers her. You said that she is still caring. Maybe she was scared at first thinking she could lose one of the few people she could live with (you said she doesn't have many friends right?) when you started studying and latter married, and latter angry because you made your own life. Well, it's the way i can see things. My only advice is to talk to her in the nicest way possible asking her what troubles her mind and how can you help her. I hope you can get this work out. good luck! |
![]() avlady
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![]() JustJenny
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#6
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Quote:
I always wondered what was my moms and dads marriage like. He was pretty active and decisive and my mother is (indeed) emotion driven and indecisive. TishaBuv, I know you have problems with your mom ![]()
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() avlady
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![]() marmaduke
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#7
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It's tough to say, without the totality of her complete picture. Mentioned is no longer drinking/self medicating, would give you the moon? Overindulge in things yet lack that deeper emotional connection, control/need to be in control--self soothing from a lack of feeling security/stability?
To emotionally detach takes a need for objective compassion. Which fluctuates between feeling sorry for with a sense of humanistic tenderness all the while maintaining your own peace of mind. Where was she stunted in youth? Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
![]() avlady
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![]() JustJenny
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#8
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NewCommer, yes - all of those things did cross my mind. Another thing I didn't mention is that my mother wears "masks". She smiles a lot and laughs a lot when she gets uncomfortable.
She was jealous when I met my now-husband. She didn't like the idea of me loving him. I think she wanted to have a perfect mother-daughter relationship like sometimes seen in movies but that has failed. I would like to talk to her more about it but I have no idea how to approach this topic. Every time I try to speak my mind usually ends up in a fight.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() avlady, eskielover
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#9
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Yep...my mom would take any comment as personal criticism rather than as food for thought no matter how hard I worked on wording it right...when I realized that I quit trying.
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
![]() avlady
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![]() JustJenny
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#10
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Your mother sounds engulfing. Too involved, she wants to live her life through you.
To her you are still a child, part of her that she wants to control. The fact you have (quite naturally) gone off and lived an independent life makes her feel rejected, insulted and indignant. It's probably best if you don't have much to do with her. She wont change. IMO she has narcissitic traits. She cannot see beyond her own selfish needs. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk |
![]() avlady
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#11
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What do you mean? She was quite ambitious when she was young, she wanted to be an actress. But that plan did not work out (partially because she had to settle down when she met my father) and she ended up educating children. I think she regrets it a little.
She is a real worrier - she worries about things that are not even worth worrying about. For example, she decided to give an old electrical keyboard to one of her students for free and she was worrying that they would thank her too much. Or offer something for it. The "Moon" thing... When I was much younger she was bringing me food (not just snacks) while I was watching TV. It was fine by me then but now that I think about it - that is not normal. In other words she was always trying to please me in an odd way. Sadly enough, I didn't appreciate it.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() eskielover
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#12
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Quote:
I never thought of her as a narcissist. She hardly does anything truly beneficial for herself. If one asks her where would she like to go, she would say that she would go anywhere where we would like to go. If it's food - anything we would eat. If it's activities - anything that we would do. It is actually really hard to deal with that.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
#13
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It sounds like you love each other, but something's always been off. Maybe just talking more often will bring you closer. If you confront her with 'why', I don't think it will go well.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
#14
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I don't know it it's love... I know I feel guilt for not being a perfect daughter and I feel responsibility because I am one of the very few family members that she has. I am not even sure what love is when it comes to mother-daughter relationships.
Talking to her more is difficult. It would mean that I would have to tell her more about myself and then she would get more involved, she would call me more to learn what has changed or maybe give me some advice... And then at some point I will lose my temper, we fight, I apologize... It's a vicious cycle - I tried it already. In fact, after we started talking less she started doing things. She has reconnected with her sister (she lives far away) and she started taking some trips.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
#15
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But that's the problem she wants to live through you, eat what you eat, go where you go.
I have a friend with parents like this. They go everywhere with her, everywhere. If she doesn't want them with her they feel betrayed, hurt, rejected. 'We do everything for you, you have never gone without, how can you be sooo cruel?' they wail, tears in their eyes. So, full of guilt she agrees to obey and puts her life on hold. Again. 30 years old and never had a boyfriend. To want to stymie their daughter's life like that is not about love. It's selfish. Big time. It's narcissisum. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk |
![]() healingme4me
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#16
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Now that you mention it.... I do remember her saying things like "I live for you" and "you are my life" on multiple occasions. She would say that usually when I would ask her about her plans in life. Hmmm
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() healingme4me, marmaduke
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#17
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Quote:
Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk |
#18
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I don't think it's about some 'emotional wound'
I struggle with that excuse for destructive manipulative behaviour. My mother was a horror and she had no 'emotional wound'. Really, she didn't. Plenty of people are wounded but still want the best for their children and love them unconditionally. To expect a child to give up their life so you can use them is abuse. Like the 'feeder' parent who supplies thier kiddult 'infant' with food making them so obese they cannot grow up and leave the house. Kept as a helpless infantilised baby. Forever. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk Last edited by marmaduke; Jan 06, 2016 at 06:17 PM. |
#19
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That's a good question: What is love like in a mother-daughter relationship? I'm not sure I know either.
I could never tell my mother really bad things I did or happened to me because she would verbally abuse me and never let me out of the house again. But, I could confide in her about a lot of other things. She taught me her views on life. She taught me humor. I could keep going, it will be a longer list of gives and takes. I definitely feel that I love her, even though I need to keep a distance because she is so toxic. We had a lot of good times and bonded through bad times. Is that love? Does any one else have a healthier point of view?
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
#20
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This is the 4 different types of love C S Lewis wrote about in his book The Four Loves.....defines the 4 different types of love the English language only has one word for....no wonder the feeling is so confusing
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves
__________________
![]() Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
#21
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I get the feeling that you assume mothers and daughters are supposed to get along? Well, that's the impression I get based on your question about why you don't get along with her. There's no real way to know why. You could honestly ask this question about anyone you don't get along with and nobody will ever be able to tell you the answer. Some people just don't get along, period. Not all parents get along with their children.
She has the power to not be alone. Is she doing anything about it? I see her as someone who pushes away her own daughter. So is she really the innocent victim in all of this? I don't think so. She's had a role in her own isolation.
__________________
Will work for bananas.
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![]() marmaduke, Trippin2.0
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#22
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I don't think she has any early emotional wounds. I know she was reading a lot since she was a child, classics mostly. Her views about how relationships works are mostly based on the things she has read. She was hiding in books in a way. She was always blaming me for not reading enough of the classical literature. What can I say, I had a lot of other things to fill my time with...
Her relationship with men was strange. I know she has lost her virginity in her very late twenties to a date-rape. Some years later he met my father who was very persistent (her words). Quote:
Quote:
She is not actively pushing me away, she just doesn't seem to know better. Her way of communicating with me didn't change over the years. When I was a child I would ask for toys or treats and she was in control of all of those things. Now I don't ask for anything anymore and it seems to be bringing her down. Well actually I was asking for something not so long ago... When I started feeling that the things between me and my now-husband were getting serious I got scared. Not scared of bad things happening, but scared of big life changes. I called her and I asked her if I can visit her (it's a 2 hour flight to her place from where I live now) and she turned me down. She said it's silly and that what I am feeling is just a phase. Please note it was not a money issue because I was earning enough at that time. *** I have started this thread and I am not really sure what I want out of this. I want to hear what you guys think and I don't really expect a solution. I talked about my mother issues my with friends and colleagues and the general answer was that I just have to live with it. I am trying to talk to her, I am sending her postcards and presents (for Christmas and her Bday). To date visiting her is one of my greatest challenges
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
#23
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Sometimes it is what it is. My dad is difficult and I just have to live with it. He won't change
I didn't really understand your comment about reading. You probably the first person who considers reading classics as something negative? I have never heard that people might have problems because they read a lot. Both I and my daughter read a lot ( in more than one language) and in fact everyone in my family reads a lot. My adult daughter and I have good relationship and our view on life and relationships isn't skewed because of reading. Nobody I know is messed up because of reading. I wonder if your mom has some undiagnosed mental illness. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
#24
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Oh no, don't get me wrong, I like reading too. And I, too, read in different languages.
What I was trying to say was that she preferred books over human contact.
__________________
The thought that life could be better is woven indelibly into our hearts and our brains. - Paul Simon |
![]() marmaduke
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#25
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One suggestion would be to stop trying to renovate her place or take on tasks that you or your husband think need to be done but she has not done.
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![]() marmaduke
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