Trying times with husband

Hi Friends,

Many of you have heard me speak of my 34 year old relationship with my husband.

As I shared he started a new job this past Monday. Monday he came home very optimistic and positive. On Tuesday he told me he got in a little trouble, but seemed to rebound on Wednesday. His new employer had agreed before he started to give him off this Thursday, since we were sharing one vehicle.

Well I came home Thursday from my full day of teaching, and he told me he lost his job. I asked what happened, and he said they told him not to come back. Today he told me the "rest of the story". He said he had called and asked if he could have Friday off too.

Yikes!!!!!! I just don't understand what is going on with him.

He has continued to refuse to move, and consider any other vehicle besides his 4-door pick-up truck. I finally told him that if he didn't start to put what I wanted first, he was going to have to live without me. He said, "So you're putting your foot down?" Grrrrrrr.

I found two other promising jobs for him today. He's inquired about one already.

He has let me down so many times over the years with being able to hold onto jobs.

Anyone has any insights to offer, or has anyone else had to deal with this particular problem?

EJ

just keep your foot down hon. maybe this is what he needs. tell him if you are going to be the breadwinner then you are moving closer to your job and he can look there or you can go without him. real simple there. then start looking for a place closer. stand your ground hon. you deserve better!

I don't have any insights and I haven't dealt with this particular problem but it seems to me putting your foot down is a good idea.

Sadly your husband is acting more like a child than a life partner. It won't help to let him off the hook from his adult responsibility.

Sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I don't mean to. I just spent the day with a friend who is dealing with similar issues with her partner. She has so many dreams and hopes for her life... their life yet he seems totally disinterested. I figure that unless she is prepared to state and stick to what she feels she needs... they need as a couple then she will continue to fight the same battles.

I wish you well EJ as you try to find the magic button to motivate your man there. I think you are right to have expectations and to let him know what he is gambling with. I pray he gets real with himself so that he can figure out what it is that is causing him to sabbotage his life and yours.

Peace and patience be with you....

Hi Bebop and ChocolateLover,

I feel like his behaviors are weighing me down, and he's not showing any sign of making any changes.

Thanks for your support.

EJ

I'm so sorry, EJ. How frustrating for you.

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EJ711 said:
I found two other promising jobs for him today.

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So he is not even interested enough to look for jobs himself? Did you find the job for him also that he got fired from? Maybe that is why he sabotaged himself at the job--he was never even interested in it and didn't find it for himself. This would be oh so frustrating. Do you think he could be depressed? Or does he just not want to work?

I don't have any good insights, I'm sorry. The old saw comes to mind, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." It almost sounds like his sabotaging his new job was some kind of passive aggressive statement. Has he ever gone for counseling to try to solve his employment problem?

Hang in there. I feel for you.

Take care,
sunny

Hi Sunrise,

Good questions.

Husband is not very good on the internet, and gets frustrated easily.

Actually, I found an agency, which advertised jobs in his field. He said he thought this looked like a good company.

I am really scratching my head.

I think he doesn't really want to work, but financially we need him to work another two years. He made a major decision about 25 years ago, which cost us about $30,000. If he had consulted me, I would have advised against it, and he could back now.

He has let me down many times over the years in regard to suddenly dropping out of a job. All good psychologists are about 70 miles away, and our budget is terribly tight, especially with the cost of gas.

This is one of the reasons I would like to relocate closer to the area where there are better services and job.

EJ

EJ,

Sorry I haven't read about your husband problems before this.....OMG!!! if you have been reading some of my posts.....it sounds very similar....not exact, but similar.

My husband has been a jerk for all 32 years of marriage (or maybe I should say, living under the same roof because it hasn't been a marriage at all).

He has an attitude problem that has been there since before day 1. If it isn't his idea or he gets boared or he doesn't like doing something, he won't do it. He has been constantly irresponsible with money...buying something that's on sale & putting it on credit because he can afford the monthly payments & paying 6 times the amount in the long run or the item. He was able to hold down his software engineering career for 20 years (& I had my software engineering career for 15) so he thought we were rich. He ran us into the ground & I took over just before we moved our California house 21 years ago. I turned our financial situation all around until I ended up with my horrible anxiety & depression from the loss of my career. He took over & ran us into the ground only worse this time. He ended up messing up his career because of his attitude & along with the engineering field going down at the same time, ended up out of work too. All we had was my disability & he didn't see how messed up he really was.

It wasn't until just last year that he finally got a Dx of ADHD.....which looking back is what is probably has been all these years. At this point, I don't care what the reason for his problems are. The bottom line is that he has to get his life together & he can't do it if I'm there. I don't have patience to put up with his crap anymore & was going to file for divorce several years ago....just never followed through with it......the story of my life (never following through with what I KNOW I should do).

Now that I own my own farm in Kentucky.....he is not coming with me....I refuse to bring his rut with me there & while I was alone, I realized who & what I really am....& I am a much better person without him around me....I don't like what I have become when I am with him....mostly because his lazy way of life is easy to get sucked into & I just can't do that anymore & feel good about myself.

He is now on meds for the ADHD.....from samples my pdoc gives him (he has no insurance to get help himself) & he didn't even bother asking for those until this last week. He actually thought that I was never going to follow through on the line I have been drawing in the past because I have never followed through before....& he really thought that he was going to be going back to KY with me until about 2 days after I returned to CA....had it out with him & told him no way was he going to be going there with me unless I ever saw the necessary changes that I have been having problems with for 32 years.

Long story short....& basically the same suggestion as the others. You need to draw your line & not back down.....things will never change if you continually back down & continue to take care of him.....he will never HAVE to take care of himself....& even if you don't back down....he may never take care of himself either if that is who he is or what he is with an untreated problem.

Treating a problem is also their responsibility because like my depression & anxiety & even the way the trauma effected me with the PTSD symptoms....no one could actually fix them except for me coming to terms with what happens to me & learning how to make my life work inspite of those problems. My husband is banking on the fact that meds & therapy are going to change him.....get that...."they are going to change him". What he doesn't get is that he is the one that is going to have to do all the work.....& make the changes....& he doesn't like to do anything that takes work.....he wants everything handed to him.

I don't know about you, but I'm so tired of living the way I have lived for the past 32 years, I am looking forward to getting back & settled in my farm (ALONE) in Kentucky.....far away from the life I have had here for 32 years. I admit, it is harder being alone & having to do everything (he has helped with some things all the time), but without waisting my energy of the fights with him....I am going to have a lot more energy to do the things that he has been doing.

Hope this helps some.....if you want to PM or talk more about this....it's ok with me. I feel a bit strange posting about some of the details....& sorry, I do get a bit lengthy about it.

Debbie

Hey, he's being a full-time jerk......having said that, i believe that you are enabling him in his jerkness.

Marriage is a partnership. How involved has he been in the full term of your marriage being your partner? How many years has he been childish and petulant about getting what he wants, his way?

By helping him find jobs and putting up with his ****, you're in a way saying "it's okay that you behave this way"......you don't have to say that out loud for him to pick up on it.

He is an adult and he should be getting his own jobs. And having the nerve to ask for two days off in a week that he started a new job is pretty ballsy, i'd say. BUT, he's been acting this way for ages and i bet he sees no real reason to change.

I vote for letting him go his way and you go yours. xoxoxo pat

I agree with Pat, and i'm sorry you are having to contend with this with your husband!
Patty

Eskielover, Pat and Seeker,

Thank you for your feedback.

I appreciate your honesty regarding enabling.

I have been using the internet to identify jobs that he can do. Then I let him review them, and pick the ones that sound like the best fit.

I've been getting involved, and it probably is enabling, to try to keep our heads afloat financially.

He's a great playmate, and we come from a similar socio-economic background and era.

As he is getting older though his charm is wearing thinner, and his bad points are becoming more pronounced.

I'm not exactly sure how to get out of the relationship, and there never seems to be a convenient time to do so.



Does anyone want a St. Bernard? I have six dogs, eight cats, and two horses. I think part of husband's strategy in keeping our marriage together has been to have pets I couldn't leave.

EJ

Just to clarify -- not to excuse, but because husband is so angry acting more and more, I try to appease to stay safe. My first husband physically beat me.

When I separated from my first husband I had a friend who helped me, and I had family to fall back on. Where I am my support system is extremely limited to non-existent.

Thanks everyone,

EJ

there is never a convenient time hon. for me when it got to the point I had to go I just up and left. taking only my clothes with me at times. if I were closer I would take the St. they are big lovers lol.

At the risk of sounding harsh EJ..... nothing you decide to do from this point on is going to be easy. Continuing the course you are on is sure to make you sicker and from your last post it could even be dangerous to avoid making a clear decision of one kind or another. Continuing as you are may very well increase the problems you are facing.

Either way you look at it you need more support than you are getting. Stay or leave....make finding support a priority. Finding and securing supports even if its via the phone or the internet or through your college. Hook up everywhere and anywhere you can. Make the most of whatever limited resources you can find. Call on friends and family for help. Keep looking until someone can help. Accept no excuses from yourself. You can't do this alone. One way or another you need help so hunting down supports is required either way.

I generally am of the mind that women should never give up the family home. The man should leave. In your case you don't much like living where you do and as for the dogs... well you have talked about them before as being impossed on you by your man. You also have some financial independance with your teaching so that can make it easier for you to make changes.

I can tell you from my own experience that when I finally let my ex leave for good our relationship improved. We are now friends again and can enjoy each others company like the best of times. He has his life, I have mine. We share a son so our lives do overlap but I'm no longer controlled or affected by his bad behaviours, his decisions or his lifestyle choices.

Whatever you do will be hard EJ. What you have been dealing with, the stress that is on-going and the worry that is escallating isn't good for you. You can't do this for very long without it affecting your health and well-being. Imagine if you got too sick to teach at all anymore? Where would you be then? I'm sure that thought is spinning in your head all day every day. You need to stop playing russian roulette with your own life EJ. You are stuck helping someone who doesn't really want to be helped.

Let him stand on his own two feet for a while. Maybe you could move into the city where you teach for a term without making any final decisions about your relationship. Leave him to keep the farm house going of let him loose it in your absence. Take a stand for you EJ.... what is your hearts desire? Follow your heart and do what is in the best interest of your own health and well being.

I will be thinking and praying for you EJ.... you can do anything your heart desires. You are a strong, powerful, intellegent, compassionate but above all wise and caring person. Do what is best for you. If your man wants to keep what he has he's going to have to work for it. You can't continue to enable him.... gently or otherwise.

Take good care....

Hi ChocolateLover,

I am teaching at a community college, and the pay is pitiful. Last year when I taught fewer classes then I teach now, I made less than $9,000 for the year. The pay schedule is even worse. Right now, I will have to work two months before receiving a paycheck. Then I will be paid at monthly intervals for the next two months.

Then it will be three months before I am paid again. It is very difficult.

We also currently only have the one vehicle.

I am concerned about the affect this is having on my health as well, and I really appreciate the care and interest demonstrated in your post.

EJ

If your husband loved you, he would want good things for you and support you.
It doesn't sound like you are too rooted where you are...i'd pick up, pack my bags and take off and tell him it's a trial seperation.
Tell him you'll contact him if and when you feel ready.

I agree with the post that says that you have to get support around you. Even though you may feel overwhelmed and change will not happen overnight, you must try and get support. Also, you have to get a better paying job or a second job to supplement your income. So many women are miserable because they are not financially independent! They let their husbands rule their financial future because that's how they've been taught. The thing is, whoever controls the purse strings, controls your destiny. The thing is asserting yourself and taking care of yourself is probably not going to get you cheers from your husband. He wants things to stay the same because he is benefiting from the situation. If you don't want to leave and you feel that you have to stay, at least get yourself financially independent within the marriage. And don't give him the money! If he is not functioning for the good of both of you, then don't depend on him. Change is scary. It means giving up old patterns and having people not like you because the old you made them comfortable. It also means sacrificing things that made you comfortable. There is no easy way and you can't have it both ways. It sounds like you are unhappy and beating your head against a wall hoping that the wall will come down. Time to take care of yourself. Life is too short.

Hi Spal,

Thanks for writing.

I was the primary bread-winner in our family for 17 of our 34 year marriage. I used to make $58,000/yr. until five years ago.

After having my "position eliminated", we moved to rural Kansas, b/c we were able to pay cash for our scenic 18 acres and rustic farmhouse bungalow. It is truly beautiful, with rolling hills trees, and two ponds nestled side-by-side. We were given "free" horses in March.

However, the downside is there are very few jobs here. While I have an MBA, I am now 60.

We had adopted an older, severely emotionally disturbed child when I was still with my Fortune 500/1000 company, and our former home. The severity of her mental illness was not properly disclosed to us.

When we had to put the house on the market due to the loss of my job, she spun out of control. It reminded her of the all the times she had moved with her bio-family. We were no longer able to safely manage her in our home, and returned her to the State of Kansas.

I am still heart-broken from the loss.

As many here have heard many times, husband has refused to move. With our very large menagerie, my limited support system I have remained stuck to date.

My closest friend and cousin, who are on the east coast both support my staying with my husband.

EJ

Beauty is, as beauty does. If you aren't happy where you are, in the bungalow, you can pick up and leave. I moved to Texas, alone, and cast around and found a niche for myself. I'm older than you are.

What do you get out of it at the end of the day, EJ? That is what we need to look at concerning our living situations. What is in it for me? I had no one in this town when I moved. My youngest daughter, with two small children to keep her busy, live 30 miles from me. I found a house, moved my three dogs and four cats and have made a life for myself. For me, I wanted a change and worked to achieve it.

My last verse to this song is this, "if you are happy enabling your husband's lifestyle and are content with his behavior, stay"....."if not, pick yourself up and move"......pat

Pat,

First of all, I'm glad to hear from you. There have been so many floods in Texas this year.

Thank you for sharing your story in making a niche for yourself and four-footed family.

What I feel I'm getting out of staying put at this point is that I am staying true to my marital vows, and the way I was brought up. I still remember how painful it was to separate and divorce my first husband.

I appreciate everyone listening and advising when I can't make sense out of things. Take this week for instance. Please someone take this week.

EJ

EJ, I am just now reading your thread. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you now and I really do understand wanting to get out, make changes, yet feeling unable to do so because everything is connected. To do one thing requires something else be done first but that requires something else, and so on.

I hope you find a way that will work for you and you'll be happy. I wish I had advice, but I don't. I offer you my support and well wishes though!

Hi Echoes,

Just seeing how connected things are really helps.

Did you make any asparagas with filo pastry today? That recipe sounds so yummy!

Hugs,

EJ