It's Falling Apart

Took 64 years to figure this out & having experienced trusting in God to provide when there was absolutely no solution I could make happen.

I'm sorry you feel that my posts are triggering. I don't mean to be triggering. I honestly was trying to offer you help. I would have honestly filed for a divorce after he trapped you in the corner. It doesn't sound like you are safe in your own home from him anymore. I just want what's best for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to offer help and am not sure how, but this post concerned me the most.

This incident certainly indicates a dysfunction. I hope you are OK and feel safe?

Are you talking to a lawyer about ending the relationship? Or what is the lawyer for? And when you say you must find the courage to end it, do you mean the relationship?

Do you have your own therapist? And I apologize if you have already stated you do... I am just thinking that a therapist could help you work through this, as well. Also, a couples therapist may be a good idea, IF you are not considering ending the relationship at this point.

I wish I knew how to help. :/ Sending you hugs and strength!

Thank you. This really means a lot to me.

I had a huge melt down that lasted days, maybe not over yet.

I'm so open about it to my family. I am not going to hush it up if this is all about me having a personality disorder. I don't care about the reasons or the cause any more. I just need it to stop.

We booked an emergency session with the marriage t. He said that his CBT techniques didn't help us, and he referred us to a new psy who works with sexual issues and PTSD.

We'll give it a try.

Meanwhile, I moved into the other bedroom. I regressed back to sleeping with my baby blanket. There's no need to rush to divorce. I just can't bring myself to do it.

In 2010, I had divorce papers in my hands and when I read his name and my name with 'dissolution of marriage', I just couldn't do it.



So, I first called my one sister and asked her to come down and help me get myself out of here. She told me to go help our mother instead. So much for her. After that call was when I destroyed my arm.

Then I called my other sister. She was nice, talked to me, tried to calm me down. But she's too far away. She won't come help.

Then I called my oldest son. I told him I needed him, how this situation is so bad again. He knows this situation. He's seen it many times. Now that he's an adult, I wanted his help. He blew me off. I'm so crushed. I told him it felt like a knife to my heart. He never even called me back.

I am just The Boy Who Cried Wolf to them.

Now my h is starting to talk about the inevitable, how we will have to divorce to end this problem. He is finally starting to accept it. I guess that is what I need. For him to just be on board with us being over.

I won't be happy after it is over either. I ccouldn't even just be nice and be married to a 'nice guy'. Yeah, he is a nice guy. Too nice for me.

Looking at my wrists, I know for sure I am definitely ill.

So I was never capable of this life anyway? Well, I certainly tried and did the best I could then. I really tried.

Uh....call 911. You need to see a PERSONAL T ASAP.

NOT A MARRIAGE T, A PERSONAL T.

The sooner you accept that you need medical help right now, the sooner you'll feel better. I'm very worried about you. Go straight to the hospital if you need to, you just need to get out of that house, that situation, that lifestyle you keep forcing yourself to believe has love in it.

I debated going to the hospital, but h says it's the wrong choice. I'm so honest with all the doctors, and none do anything. Nobody cares. It's up to me...sink or swim.

Go to the hospital. Who cares what the eff your "h" thinks and says right now?!

I'm ok right now. This was yesterday.

Um....if you say so.

BTW, sorry if I'm not the kindest right now. I'm dealing with feeling sick due to an illness. Going to see a doctor about it in the AM.

What would the hospital do for me right now? I should walk in there and tell them I had another episodes of many, many that has been happening for 15 years? And yesterday I heftily dosed myself good and SI. What would they do? I doubt they'd even admit me.

They'd ask are you Sui? And I'd say 'no'. And they'd send me home and tell me to go see a psy.

Well, go and see a personal T then.

You seem like you may need DBT. You seem to have a lot of ambivalence about your life and a lot of instability.

I was so messed up in my marriage & attempted Sui more times than I can even remember with several being close to successful over a 13 year period, added to it anorexia & starving myself in hopes that would work.

Was dx'ed with major depression reoccurant & major anxiety & even landed on permanent disability. I was fighting life during those last 13 years before I finally left. It shocked me that leaving could make such a huge difference in my life like night & day.....& yes, my H was "nice" too but totally dysfunctional in almost everything.

I actually asked my new T who I had gone through 2 intense years of DBT therapy how leaving could make so much difference in life like having a completely new life when I was always told that my problems would follow me because they are internal.....she said that the problem was obviously with my environment that I didn't have the skills to deal with & that it would be difficult to have skills to survive in the environment I lived in all my life....it was like the frog in the pot of water where the frog just gets used to the water as it heats up until its boiling & the frog never knew what killed it. Only I was finally able to hop out of the pot of boiling water before it killed me.

Sometimes our mental illness is totally due to the environment we are living in & because we have become comfortable in the pot, we aren't quick to leave when we really need to. It doesn't mean that we don't have problems that need to be addressed after we leave. It doesn't mean that we don't have a very lacking skill set we need to learn but getting out allows us to turn our focus on developing things that help us personally.

My situation is more the exception than the rule according to my T, but it sure was a relief to be out of an environment that just made me want to die because I had been financially trapped in it with no way out until I finally did leave & the door opened & I RAN for my life.

It took me 13 years to get to that point also as I kept hoping he woukd change & finally grow up. I thought that even really leaving would be the jolt that would cause him to grow up......but it never happened. I honestly never thought I would ever be truly happy in my life because growing up had the same stressors that existed in my marriage....emotional connection & serious communication limitations....none of that followed me when I left so I finally realized that I wasn't the one who brought the issues into my life. An enlightening revelation.

I hope you can find your place of peace in your life where ever & however that happens

I just saw this. I am sorry it has been this bad for you. You are capable of many good things. I admire how open you are about your feelings and your situation. "He is a nice guy. Too nice for me."--is generalizing the situation a bit to much.

Perhaps you have been incapable of dissolving your marriage because there is some good as well as bad between both of you. Not that I am saying you should stay as I have. Feelings become so complex when you have been married as long as we have. Sometimes H and I find ourselves not being able to let go of past incidents (when we have hurt each other) and let them effect our present feelings. The best way to clear the air is to have a fight that rehashes the past and talk honestly about it but these fights can be so draining and exhausting for us.

From what you describe, you cannot handle dealing with the feelings between the two of you right now. Perhaps it is to much for you to handle. I don't know. He backed off for months and months and it was like a new beginning for us but, now, more than 2 years later, our fights are feeling intense again. We can clear the air and feel loving toward each other but it can be emotionally exhausting. There are times that I cannot handle the intensity of our relationship without medications. But I am sure I would be completely bored without him. No decision is perfect.

I wish you had someone close you could have called who would have come to help you when things got so bad.

Hoping-- "But I am sure I would be completely bored without him. No decision is perfect. "

Boredom is what you fear? Believe me, you won't ever be bored.

I'm afraid of breaking down and panicking because I feel helpless. I'm terrified of living alone. I have never been alone and independent.

Why have we both been so cruel to ourselves as to hurt ourselves to try to get love from others?

You are right. I am ambivalent about my life. Good point.

And I am so unstable. The minute I start to feel secure, this cycle happens with h, and I feel the ground break beneath my feet.

It's ironic. I married him, thinking it would provide security, and I have total insecurity!

Sometimes I have been strong enough lately to say what is on my mind and verbally fight it out but it is exhausting. Other days I do not have the energy for this and keep to myself. It is exhausting for him when we fight too. It reminds me a bit of the relationship between my mom and I--two strong willed people (though my mom and H would usually win ) refusing to back down. Neither my mom or H are bad people.

The anger you feel towards yourself surely comes from your traumatic childhood. You know this. We are both unsure about how much Ts can help us but perhaps if you had a T that would have allowed you to call or email them at any time (like when you called your sisters and son ) that could have prevented what happened?

For me, it didn't feel like I was trying to get love. I was angry that I couldn't control him and I felt like a failure for failing my children. I was trying to prove to myself that I was "brave" and strongwilled not a sissy weakling. I am more afraid of divorcing him than

But this is not all Hs fault. I have trouble handling confrontations with people in general. I know this is true when I think back on the way I handled (felt about) discipline when I was teaching and how upsettting it was sometimes to deal with disgruntled callers when I worked in a call center. I am a big sissy and have trouble consistently turning that around.....

Tisha,

I was thinking about you as I walked and shopped today. I am sorry no one was there in your time of need but it would be a shame to lose you.

When I first came to PC in June 2016--it was because I hoped I could convince people not to kill themselves. But after a couple of months of reading posts, I started to admire your humor, unique POV and how brave you are about sometimes taking a contrary POV. You are very compassionate as well.

Someday one of your boys may have a child. You are going to be an awesome grandmother. My maternal grandmother meant so much to me and I think I recall that one of your grandmothers was awesome too. Grandmothers and grandfathers play such an important role in helping children feel loved.

Your H probably loves you too but perhaps you are really sensitive to when he is not feeling especially loving toward you? After decades of marriage, who can love their partner 24/7? I am sure, when you are not being especially hard on yourself, that you will make the right decision about whether or not to divorce him.

Please keep searching for help. You are a stand out leader to me. I only began opening up on PC because I decided to emulate your openness about your mental issues. You matter.

What do you fear so much about living alone and being independent? You're a big girl now, you're more than capable of doing it.

From my personal experience of having lived at home & went to college until 21 & then got married, finished college, & had me computer engineeringvcareer, I had never lived alone or had to be totally dependent on myself. I was very independent but then after losing my career & only having disabiluty to live on & being unstable with bad med side effect reactions where i couldnt take care of myself, it scared me to think of what it would be like if I lived alone & something like that happened. I had gone veom being independent within my marrisge to being totally physically dependent.....so I was afraid to take the step into the ALONE. My brain was independent but my body was a mess which then messed with my bain.

After I finally left that independent person totally took over & I now love my alone life. I am finally healthy both physically & mentally & surrounded by the nature like I had wanted all my life.

Dont know how similar your feelings are about it TishaBuv.

There are still times when I need a guy's strength to get something open or a repair completed but even with that I hsve become a mechanic, a plumber. Back to my old thinking.....there is really NOTHING i cant do myself. May need to ask for help but thats ok too. Brings me to connect better with friends.

Well, I think Tisha is more than strong enough to be on her own, and she needs to have the time to focus on herself for once instead of always trying to please such a dispassionate spouse, failing, and falling to self harm because her emotions of frustration and self doubt are overwhelming. She needs to find a T exclusively for her, not a marriage T, and to focus on getting herself better at all costs. I don't want to think of her resorting to SI due to the stress and feeling overwhelmed and negative toward herself.

The first fear that comes to mind is getting hurt. Haven't you ever been alone at home and you feel like someone could be peering through the windows? Like that feeling you get after watching a scary movie, and you are afraid of every noise and opening every door.

I spend my days alone. I'm fine with it. But, there's something about the night that I'd get insecure. I know that's silly and irrational.

I've always had someone inseparably close with me. Either a best friend or boyfriend. My h has been with me 25 years. We are very good together aside from the sexual/intimacy problem that escalated into this.

I thought I really liked sex, but maybe I am really scared of it.

I never chose to do it, it was taken from me. Then I used it to try to get young men to fall in love with me and be with me.

I didn't love the pimple faced HS bf, I just went with him, I gave it away too easily.

I thought I loved the college bf, but suddenly I turned off, when I saw him as immature and spoiled.

Then I had some strange love triangle/ unrequited love years. What was I thinking?

Then came husband.

I went from one to another.

I have probably a false sense of security together with a man, feel protected.