Husband wants no intimacy

Hello,

Need some advice as to what to do and how to handle this situation. I got married in Dec,03. We did not have sex much before we were married. My husband wanted to set a good example for my daughter (who is 8). I admired that, it went along with our christian beliefs. We had dated for about a year and a half prior to being married.

We were very open with speaking about sex, telling each other what we liked, disliked, Fantisies, etc. I am not embarrassed by sex at all. I believe sex is VERY important in a relationship. If sex goes the relationship starts to go. I do have a very high sex drive for a woman. I've been told by every man I've been with, that I have a mans sex drive, as my husband would agree. I love sex, and orgasm with no difficulties. I tried everything to peak my husbands intrest in sex, I try to initiate it all the time. He knows I will try just about anything if I know it turns him on, That part is the pleasure for me.

One month went by, two months went by, still no sex, I confronted him about it he said it was him. We bother could stand to loose a little weight. He has had a problem with getting a hard erection. He blamed it on the weight. I did some research and I purchased a natural product that works amazingly well for him.

Still after all of this its now been two months since we had sex. I started getting suspicious about 3 weeks ago. He was moody and spreading a lot of time on the computer. I put a spy software on it. I found that he is obsessed with porn (I have no problem with a little, I think its health to have a little and share it with my partner) My husband has a foot fetish and I have even purchased things for him. When I mean obssessed, he spends at least 3-4 hrs. a day (or more when he's not working and home alone) looking at it I found out. Then I found out he is doing live chats on pay sites watching other women masterbate for him while he masterbates (I offer and do that for him, I enjoy it, its a turn on for me). I also found out he is saving pictures form these sites on to CD and has at least 10 cds full. He has admitted having a problem with this. But then he tries to turn it around on me and make me fell guilty for spying on him. I honestly did it to find out what he was doing (an affair?) and to see what he was looking at to get an idea on how to turn him on. I have even offered to give him a BJ while he looks at the pics online. He still refuses. I am at my wits end. This is the least amount of sex I have ever had in my life. I am depressed and sad. He has a woman that will do whatever he wants and still he hides.

Please Help!

Gosh! I don't know what to say ...
If he has admitted he has issues, would he be willing to get some professional help?
Maybe going the two of you together to therapy could aliviate not only the sex issues but perhaps the relationship as a whole.

Sometimes sex is the issue, but sometimes, sex is a simptom of something else ...

Good luck to you.

gab

FunFemHere,
Sex is unfortunately one of those things with multiple levels of emotion and feeling. It can be used as control or as an act of love. Your husband knows that you want to please him and are open minded. Maybe he is looking at pornography because it is forbidden and deemed "wrong" by so many sectors of society. Forbidden lust type of deal.
I know this may sound wierd but I would stop offering him sex or pleasure. He knows that he can get it from you but if you start denying him maybe it would seem more attractive to him because he cannot have it?

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

I kinda thought the same as Ozzie when you mentioned Christian values. There has been some major hangups in the Christian religion about sex. OK OK before anyone yells at me, let me rephrase that. It isn't the religion that has the hang ups since there is a whole chapter in the bible listing the procreative powers of the people in the book, it is some administrators and followers who have the hang ups...anyway, I am wondering if somewhere in your husband's past he got mixed messages about what sex is all about. I mean good sex between husband and wife.

Another concern is the pornography. It can become a real addiction, like alcoholism and such. Sometimes it needs to be treated as an addiction. This is an extremely tricky thing. I am wondering if he became addicted to porn while he was trying so hard to maintain his christian values. Then I fear for the huge burden of guilt he must be carrying.

Long post short, it would be a good idea if you could get him into counseling with you. I don't think this is something that you will have a very happy time unraveling by yourself.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

next time someone writes about things liek this in such detail, please put the word trigger at the top

now, yeah guys are pigs as they say. you know he might just think that his inability makes you not like him, or he thinks it makes him less of a person, or that he can't please you, the girls and porn are prolly just cause he's horney. sorry. had to say it. it sounds liek he may be depressed. has he ever had problems with the relations with you after the marrage? have you asked him why? there is such a thing as a couples sex therapist, and the issues usualy have nothign to do with sex itself. check it out. he might be feeling so guilty about that he thinks you don't love him that way anymore......who knows.

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

FunFem....

I am very sorry to hear of the issues that you are having with your husband. It definitely sounds like he has a sexual addiction, which should be addressed aggressively. A little porn is probably normal for most guys. Three to four hours a day and 10 CDs worth of pictures is a problem.

There may very well be some underlying issues (depression) that are the basis for his actions. He has trained his brain to get that "feel good" feeling from porn. And, it is very likely that, despite what he says to the contrary, that he is embarrassed abou it.

Such an addiction interferes with one's ability to focus that time and energy on the relationship. One becomes unable to become aroused in a normal lovingrelationship because they have trained themsleves to become aroused by other means.

This problem may not have anything to do with his love for you. If you love him, work with him to help him through it and get him the help he needs.

I was once in your husband's place and lost a wonderful woman. Now I am alone. I have worked through it am a stronger, better person but it is too late. Don't have it be too late for your relationship.

Dearest

His being fetish said it all. He is unable - emotionally - to have a relationship with a women! Why? because for him a women is an object (fetishism) therefore, the direction you should go is not what you're doing and it's not this devise or another....
Something inside him died long ago (its also could be a form of "emotional castration"...) Therapy that goes deep into his childhood and relationship with mother/father should be explored (maybe more with the mother) the mother in his mind (uncons. of course) is like the gatekeeper where no other women can enter.... As far as you go - you should ask yourself why you chose that kind of man! - I may sound sharp but I'm taking the time with lots of compassion to express my unusual point of view - so it seems like you have chosen him because of this and that BUT he fills for you something very importent - i.e., you may have not been able to handle a relationship with a man who is sexual as you are - that would be too threatening.. so You chose someone who cannot threaten you - emotionally (and sexually of course) - there is something here that both of you should learn and grow from - and the issue first is emotional then sexual.
Love
Leela

"I may sound sharp but I'm taking the time with lots of compassion to express my unusual point of view"

Well, I don't think you sound sharp at all, lol. You jump to a lot of conclusions here. The lady's efforts to make her husband feel she can accept anything if he will make her a part of all aspects of his life, including sexual activity, are not working. Probably he should get some serious professional help before he and his wife both start to despair and lose each other.

If he does go in for help, he should be himself and talk honestly about what he is doing, why he thinks he does it, how he views his wife's reactions. It might be best if he did not go in self-diagnosed as emotionally dead with a wife who is threatened by men with an emotional pulse.

I hope you don't mind that I did not start with "dearest" and end with "love". Those words can almost sound sarcastic if used at odd times, can't they?

Hi Fem, I agree with Itlredvett, that your husband is probably addicted to porn, cyberporn in particular. The erection problem is symptomatic, so is the drop off in intimacy, so is sitting in front of the computer for 3-4 hours (that you know of,) and secrecy.

This addiction is very serious and can wreck your lives, steal your time, wreck your finances, etc. Do NOT take it lightly. It is a Tough Addiction to break. Get help thru a therapist that deals specifically with sex addiction.

There are a couple of sites that may be of help to you: www.understandingsexualaddiction.org., www.cybersexualaddiction.com , www.secretaddictions.com to name sites. There are good links there to other resources at these sites.

Good luck.

<div class="foot">(Edited by betty_3 on 08/30/04 10:38 PM.)</div>

I know this is a bit late in replying but still I would like to mention: Please take care that your 8 year old is not being molested. I am searching my brain for the right words and apologise beforehand if it sounds like an accusation of some sort - it is not. Just be careful.