Cannot get over my girlfriend's past

Hello everyone... if this is long, it's because I'm dying inside, and the issue is draining my energy. I wake up to it, and sleep on it. I have been neglecting myself harshly because of it

i have this issue that has been in my mind for 5 months, it's driving me crazy...I'm 29 from Montreal, Canada, and she is 22 from West Palm Beach in Florida. it is important to keep in mind that due to my upbringing, and lack of experience, I cannot emotionally fall for a girl who had been intimate with men. I will sound like a hypocrite especially that I do have a sexual life now, but will not truly fall for someone who has a past...

about her; an asexual girl that likes attention, a lot. she is also friendly, polite and intelligent, graduating psychology and planning to do masters, and shy, she can turn red at anything. Can be sneaky, her mood changes fast, clingy at times, which she recognizes. Again, she loves attention.
I have known this girl from online for 5 years now. met her in 2012, finally met in person after 4 years of knowing each other and lost our virginities. We have been a couple for most of these years. I became more and more comfy being with this girl, seeing the amount of time I spent with her
on April, this year, she told me as ex came to see her at work and she felt really weird so she had to tell me or else she would have felt like she is cheating on me – because of how she reacted, she thought she had something for him, but its not the case as time passed on - which I truly appreciate of her. I asked her if he ever whipped his **** out, and she said yes...he did it 3 times, this kinda changed how I see her now.
this happened to her when she was 15, and the guy was also 15, she been to his house about 9 times, and he took his **** out 3 times when she would go there, when she told him to put it back, he did... but it still hurts
the first time he did it was maybe the second or third time she got to his place, about a month and a half of them being together, and he knew her as a friend for a month, so after 2 and half months of knowing one another. anyways, they were kissing, like pecks, not even tongues, and bam he stops kissing her and takes it out, she told him to put it away - he did- and she got so uncomfortable that she had to take a moment and go to the bathroom, talk herself into thinking that the incident is not a big deal, and to avoid awkwardness as well, and then returned back and they continued to chill on the couch, he texted her later on her way home to have a goodnight and that he’ll see her tomorrow. the next day was weird between them but then it got normal again. the second time he did it was literally out of the blue, she was writing his school paper and he just took it out. The third time they were kissing and he took it out while she was on his lap. After this specific incident, he never talked to her again and she never bothered to contact him till she saw him with another girl and it was time to break up, the relationship lasted from august till December. He never apologized for any of these times he did that, or how he broke up with her
it's important to notice that she didn’t like him like a bf, she looked at him more like a friend. she liked his personality and liked to spend time with him, but more than that, she loved the attention he gave her. She ultimately told me that if she didn’t feel good over all, she wouldn’t have been with him
it's the only thought on my mind all day, every day. I look at guys and wonder if they ever did something like that, I’m starting to hate males because of it. it’s a painful feeling while I’m with her, or on break from her.. I know rape exists and sexual violation as well, also some guys do send **** pix – she had this happened to her from a classmate, but I didn’t mind because nothing she can do – but seriously, at 15 years old a guy just whips out his **** to her ??? this is just so weird .. even weirder that she stays with him after that … I talked to a few friends and they do find it creepy of the guy… I never made her feel bad or guilty for it intentionally, maybe I did when I was expressing to her how I feel. As far as I’m concerned, she has been faithful and trustworthy. If not, she wouldn’t have told me about it
I’m bothered that how can she stay with a weird guy like this? How did she not feel violated? especially after just a month and half … he didn’t come from a “low life” place, she told me that his family is living a good life and the guy himself was very popular and social, also a jock.

She never thought he was a creep or a freak, is this normal?
In my head it’s the creepiest thing a guy can do.. how can she still find him nice???
are there guys like that at 15 years old?
is that a common thing to do at this age? Or even normal at that age?
Am I ever going to get over this?

I don’t want to end it with her now because we’re planning to meet by January so we can know how we feel about each other – I confessed things to her that she isn’t happy about either - Sorry if this is too long, but I hope you all can help me and answer my questions, I need it badly.. this issue often gave me suicidal thoughts, made me wonder what is it like to just end these continuous thoughts, if I see a cliff, my thoughts encourage me to “just jump”… if you have stories to share with me about an incident like that please share with me, maybe I can get a different perspective. Men can be very creepy as they get older, but at 15, there are kids like that? specially if they come from a good background

momo, first of all, if you have suicidal thoguhts, its really important that you meet a professional! more than anything we can tell you here. if i understood the story, it sounds creepy, and wierd indeed, but since i know some good friends of mine who have gone through different kinds of sexual abuse or mistreatment, the reactions to how they precieve it are very various.. and you shouldnt rush to judge her "acceptance" of him, that dosnt mean she is creepy. to give you an extreme example, a freind of mine that was touched sexualy as a child by one of her cousins, and that obviusly was a huge trauma in her life. said once (it was in thrapeutic circle, and in a very secure setting) that after many years of trauma, she also understood that that was a very twisted and pervert love, but that person loved her, and that mixed feeling of both deep trauma that changed her life, but also acknoldging that she was in a way loved, didnt gave her rest, untill she decided to accpet both of those conflicting insights. i dont say my opinion of that phrase, or if i agree that it was a way of love. just saying, poeple have different ways of dealing with trauma, so dont hurry up to judge her. yes i would start a process with her of openning up the topic between you, but slowly, and with allot of compassion to her position in this story..i hope that helps

Hello there. I am very sorry you're in pain first off, but I am going to be a bit blunt here, so please forgive me. I think it's wrong (or unfair, really) to look at her differently, or women differently, because they have had a sexual past. This guy did a very uncool thing and seems to have been a bit aggressive with her, which is not her fault. She clearly felt uncomfortable, but enjoyed the other attention he gave her, which seems to be a priority for her and something she will latch onto - perhaps something she prioritized over the sexual aggression. She was very young, he was very young. These things do happen, even though they may seem creepy or wrong. Young boys especially can be aggressive.. heck, adult men can be aggressive!

But to look at her differently as though she did something wrong or committed a crime is not very fair to her. She was very young. I am sure she has learned quite a bit about men since then and may behave differently now, if the same thing happened. Maybe she would even slap the guy now and say adios forever, for all you know, right? I would! Said with tongue in cheek.

I guess what I am saying is how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and your gf judged you for something some other girl did when you were young? It doesn't seem fair, does it? Give her a little room on this one, is my advice.... the past is the past, and has nothing to do with the present situation or relationship. A relationship is about who two people are in the present moment, and all that makes that relationship special and unique. It seems like you want to hold onto her, so try to leave it behind and not judge. She is probably a great person, or else you wouldn't like her or be involved.... and a better one now most likely for having had that experience. Appreciate her for all that she is today, but don't judge past actions. That's my two cents!

And yes, if you are becoming suicidal, I would definitely seek professional help/counseling to help you through it. Hope this helps, but if not, I apologize! (((((Hugs))))))

In my view, you have two options.

1. Break up with her now because you cannot accept her; or

2. See (or continue to see) a therapist until you can accept her as she is.

If you choose option 2, please tell her that you are doing it.

Raging hormones can and do make horny teenagers take such bold chances... I would expect popular boys are even bolder than most, as they have more chance of a girl actually consenting to sexual acts.

Proof?
Check the stats for teen pregnancies, its like a global epidemic

If a girl flashed a nipple at you when you were 15, I'm sure you wouldn't want it to be held over your head years later... How would you even argue the logic behind the resentment?

I say this as kindly as possible, see a therapist so you can get over yourself, the world is bigger than this bubble you're living in. Make room.

PS. It is very concerning that you have suicidal thoughts over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, therapy seems imperative.

PPS. The only other option is to break up with her, at this rate it looks like that would be best for both of you.

I'm absolutely stunned and stupified. If you have sexual eperiences yet "can't handle" being with a woman who has.....then why the heck are you involved with this woman? It can't possibly be good for her to have you judging her. Actually I'm kind of outraged. Do you think that somehow magically she is going to turn into an untouched woman who is pure enough for you? This must be triggering me, because I right now I am so angry that I want to rip my hair out.

If you are feeling the need to hurt yourself please get help.

pifi thank you for your words, she didnt really think it was a big deal, she always said to me if it was more serious she wouldn't have even stayed with him ... i dont she's creepy, i think he is ... dont you agree ??

golden_eve Thank you for your reply, I do know im unfair to her, i apologized to her everytime i brought up the subject, i dont even refer to it as " her past" it's my issue and i also said sorry for how i am feeling... it's not something i decided to feel, it just how i feel .. if i was in her shoes and she did break up with me, I would be heart broken, and that's why I am here actually, to get over my issue. do you really think these things can happen at such a young age ? even when they come from a good background ?
Bill3 thanks for the bluntness, i feel that even when i break up with her, the issue and images of this dude doing that to her will continue, it's like they never want to leave me ... it's like i cannot believe that this is a normal thing for guys this age
Trippin2.0 thank you for letting me know ... are hormones pretty much more intense for teens than adults ? maybe that's why he did what he did ?
and if a girl flashed me and simply went away, there is nothing i can do, but if she did, and i hated it, i would have left... she hated it, she didn't leave, that's what killing me.
and again, I'm afraid that even if i break up with her i'll feel awful cuz I dont want her to feel abandoned, and also cuz i think i'll just never get over the fact that there are guys like that in the world, just whipping it out,,, just soo effing creepy to me

if she did tell me this from waaaay before i would have been like ok cool, but i didnt even know a thing about till 5 years later, I always thought her ex's were puppy love and Bam tells me something like this .... do you think it's normal for a guy of this age to just whip out his thingy ?????????

It really depends on the situation whether a guy whipping out his thingy is a good or a bad thing. Kids are curious and explore. Teens have raging hormones and do stupid thing things.

But the issue here is how you are handling the situation. Being able to be supportive of a woman who has been abused is not for everyone. If you can't deal with it then you need to step away. It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't handle it.

To me, the thing to do is accept that your partners have a sexual past and move on.

Additionally, in this situation she was 15, it was at least seven years ago, people change.

Finally, be aware that many people do not leave abusive relationships at once, for a variety of reasons. This may seem unfathomable to you, but often it is in fact the case. This does not mean that they want the abuse. You could research this topic further online.

momo975 unfortunately some guys can do creepy things like that. One never knows what that guy's experience was either, maybe someone told him to try that.

I feel it's rather controlling of you to expect the women in your life to have NO past experience when you two meet but that you have experiences of your own. I would see a therapist about why you feel the need to be so controlling in your relationships.

Please seek help. The issue isn't what this girl and some kid did at 15, the issue is your extreme reaction to it. If you are indeed suicidal I recommend taking yourself to emergency room asap

I agree with divine. Sending big hugs.

Ok I am gonna try not to get irrate about this as I have a real issue with people who continuously use someone's past as a Shitti stick to beat them with.

This is 100% your problem, not hers. So don't make it hers, just cut her loose and be done with it.
I know a hell of a lot about this kind of obsessive thinking, it's a part of OCD, I know because I have it, and have suffered at the hands of someone just like you.
Someone who could not let it go, and would not let me go.
It was hell.

Teenage hormones...when I was 8 a 12 year old boy whipped out his 'rock on' when I was kneeling down to tie my shoe lace.
He also pinned me down and rubbed it against me during a game of 'kiss chase'. And we obviously were not dating or anything.
This is just one example of a multitude of experiences I had throughout my teenage years.
Hormones make some people have very poor judgment and do stupid things. Sometimes they can even land you in jail.

Your girlfriend told him to put it away and he did. If they were close it's easy to see shear have forgiven his indiscretion. And fact is a lot of girls, and I mean ALOT would have caved to the pressure in that situation but she didn't.
As far as I am concerned this shows an extreme strength of character that deserves to be praised not punished. Very few teenagers make logical decisions in emotional situations, they aren't meant too.It's your learning curve in life, your meant to make mistakes.

Your girlfriend has been honest and straight up with you. Perhaps too honest. Some things are best left behind, and contrary to common beliefs you don't actually have to know everything about a partners past.

You need to stop and take a good long hard look at the situation. Make a list of the pro's and con's, although I suspect your list of cons will be short, they may well weigh too heavily and swing the balance.
You need help with your thinking patterns and coping mechanisms, you know why your like this so now you either take a break and deal with it so you can come back stronger.
Or, as I said at the beginning, cut her loose. Deal with this thing and move on.

I know it's easy to say, but you can not continue to punish someone for something they didn't even do, hell even if she had done something it would be wrong to keep dragging it up.

This is about you, your insecurities, your fear of other men and their/your sexual nature. Please please don't let this thing put guilt onto your gf that shouldn't be there.

I really do wish you all the best, I hope your able to do the right thing, and work things out, whatever that entails.

I am not punishing her, i said time and time again it is completely my issue. i never gave her crap for it, i do recognize it is a 100% my issue.. she was not traumatized by that, i mean she still stayed with him .... DO NOT THINK I'M BLAMING HER FOR ANYTHING
also if she did do somethings, or if she liked that to happen to her, i wouldn't have cared, it's fine if she likes it, i wouldnt have been in a serious relationship with her to begin with... everyone got a past

Open Eyes thanks alot, that's what I keep saying to myself too whenever i find myself asking " is this normal for someone at this age?" i say well you dont know where he come from, and it did happen, whether it's normal or not, it happened, what difference would it make if it's normal or not ..
i guess i'm just jealous that i didn't have a colorful past and so im taking it out on me

could it be a matter that i am jealous ? I would never do such a thing to a girl, unless im totally convinced that the moment is right and we are beyond kissing...

anyone else wana tell me if this is common/normal from guys at 15 ?? do they ever realize wow what a stupid boy i was ?

momo975

It sounds to me like you have been very sheltered and possibly raised where you were taught of this kind of behavior is very bad/evil.

Well, there are some things you are not considering in this picture too. This girlfriend could have been exposed to seeing a younger brother running around naked, or maybe she babysat children where she saw little boys exposing themselves. So, in that alone it would be understandable that what this guy did may not have traumatized her the way you think it should have. Also, there is a lot of influence when it comes to exposure and nudity that is expressed in advertising and main stream movies as well. So, it sounds to me like you have been sheltered and not been exposed to a lot of this.

Truth is "yes" there are guys that have no qualms about exposing themselves. And this girl was not shocked but she clearly remained calm and said, "do not do this", and when she realized this guy was not going to stop this behavior she stopped seeing him. Remember, it was not as if he was doing this every time.

For you to obsess about this like you are is so unhealthy for you, you have to take some time and study human behaviors and realize that human beings most definitely are sexual beings and can actually do strange things like this. Actually, when my daughter was only in kindergarten she was friends with a little boy that lived on our street and one day (and I watched him do this myself) he was down the street and turned around and said to her, you know I am important, I have this, and he pulled down his pants exposing himself. Well, I do have to say that caught both me and my daughter off guard and she did cry and was upset so I had to help her get over that. I also did call his mother, but I think this boy had seen something his parents were not aware of that encouraged him to think this was important to expose like he did.

So, we are ALL just human beings, primates, and while we are intelligent, we are still very much prone to practicing primate behaviors which includes being "sexual beings". This is certainly not something to contemplate suicide over or obsess about where you keep allowing this to traumatize you.

She described this guy as a jock too, well, these guys can run around naked and act crazy in the locker rooms. They can get very pumped up hormonally as well being that they are so physically active in sports too. Actually at age 15 guys can get very hormonal and did you know that at age 18 is at the height of the hormonal urges in human males? This is ALL in the nature of how we are designed as a species. That being said, some males take longer to develop than others. Perhaps you need to spend some time learning about human "nature" more so you are not traumatized by it so much.

You keep asking if it's normal. Sure it sounds bizarre. What does it matter though? You don't know the guy. And it was long time ago.

I teach high school. So trust me: 15 year olds do extremely stupid things every single day. That's what they do. Especially boys. What do you care. It was long time ago.

Momo. You are the problem in this equation, not that 15 year old guy. Who cares what he did and whether it was normal? Just forget about it and move on.

Open Eyes That was really helpful, yes I was a very introverted at 15... thank you for sharing your story too, it just showed me that this happens, humans can be driven by so many different things...you did open my eyes wide. specially that i illogically often thought "he couldn't have been normal" labeling him as some kind of monster, but like you mentioned; we're an intelligent species who often do odd things. Also thank you for reminding me that he didn't do this every time she went there, things could have been worse but at least he was this intelligent enough not to force her.. and by the way, he left her for another girl and didn't even let her know it was over

divine1966 Sorry Divine, i can feel your frustration at my mentality.. I don't know why it matters so much, yes it happened LONG TIME ago, many rights and wrongs have been made since then ... I don't know why i'm fixated on it, i guess like i mentioned above i just see him as a sexual predator - which is illogical - I know guys tend to send unsuspected nudes of themselves but damn... like the balls on this kid ... I often look at other guys and start questioning myself or judge them along the lines of "have they ever done anything like this ?" and i catch myself and say "why does it even matter, did they do it to you?"

ill try to let go, and just ignore the whole issue.. it happened nothing to be done. and I can't just look at people and think of their sexual past to try to gauge their values in my head

Artchic528 how is he not the problem if he did make her so uncomfortable and did it twice more while she was least expecting it ? she often said it was uncalled for, and weird, yeah it didn't make her think of the guy as a freak but that's how i see him, and that's my problem at a 100%

No frustration on my part whatsoever as none of it is s big deal, just trying to explain to you that whatever 15 year old did 7 years ago isn't that big of a deal. You are awfully upset over something from long ago and it has no relevance to today's life whatsoever.

No, it's not a problem right now. It would be if someone bothered your girlfriend and she asked you for help, then it would be a problem to solve. Otherwise it is not.

Erebos said....
The above quote is spot on!

To the OP, this is what you need to work on. I think it has either become an obsession or it could be jealously related. This is not going to just go away. You need to seek psychotherapy over this to truly understand where this is coming from and so you can learn to cope with these thoughts.

I feel the same ways as others have posted. Every one has a past , you do ...... She does also.

Does she ask you about your past???? Does she want details of your previous partners?

The past is the past .. If you cant get over all of it and just focus on a future with her then end it and walk away and find a virgin.

I too think you are being too harsh on your ex girlfriend. Her being raped wasn't her fault. Being raped is never the victims fault. I say victim because I believe males can be raped too. Perhaps therapy, especially talk therapy would help you with your negative feelings toward this woman. Yes and learn to forgive.

I don't think she was raped. She was a virgin when they met. OP said that he is upset that when she was 15 she had a boyfriend or a friend, also 15, who showed her his penis. The fact that she saw it is disturbing for OP.