[SorryShaped]

I think I'm frightened of feeling love again. The hurt from what I thought love was is still so heavy on me. This is why I'm constantly screwing up even casual dating opportunities. I'm afraid of the somethingthing that shouldn't cause fear but conquer it.
This has been heavy on my mind all night. Love was a suggested meditation focus during savasana last night. I barely slept because I can't process this. I've been crying over it. I've been angry. I've got a terribly uncomfortable feeling about it. My stomach hurts. My eyes are red. My chest hurts.
I'm not currently dating anyone, but I may soon be casually dating the woman I've had semi-regular sex with at the gym for months. I feel so confounded, confused, and complex.
Any ideas how to handle this?

[Shazerac]

You are frightened about what happened when you loved, no the love itself. Maybe it's a good thing you had such intense emotions last night. You may need to grieve a previous lost love.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

You are frightened about what happened when you loved, no the love itself. Maybe it's a good thing you had such intense emotions last night. You may need to grieve a previous lost love.

I am grieving my marriage of 19 years, which I've only recently started to get over the anger of. But, I honestly don't trust myself to be able to fall in love or trust another like that. It's like I'd be setting myself up to get knocked down again, which was almost every day I was near her for years. I have such deep pain over the marriage. I've been trying to cover it up with sex but that's not doing it and never did. I'm ready to tackle it to the ground, the pain, but I don't see how I can with my abilities. I'm weak and in no shape to think of how.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's natural for you to be in this stage after the end of a long and complicated relationship. If I met someone who had recently divorced, I'd assume they'd be 'afraid to love' in the way you describe, possibly for many years.

I think Shazerac is right; you need to view this as a broken heart situation, with all that entails. Your mind might want to tackle the problem and change things and decide what to do next, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, that's rarely effective.

In my experience, letting some time pass is the only way.

Acceptance!

You are where you are.

It's fine to be honest about it with new people you meet. Women understand the 'afraid to love' man. In fact, it's quite attractive. So don't worry that you'll put people off by admitting it.

It's just a case of trying to feel OK in the meantime, until your heart can recover a little.

Good luck.

[Shazerac]

My husband grieved the loss of his fiancé for a long time. He found out she was cheating on him when they were practically at the altar. When I met him he hadn't been on a date in 20 years. Give yourself as long as you need to recover. please don't try to force it.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's perfectly understandable you'd feel this way. I think it will take time to heal all the wounds..

Do you see a therapist?

[SorryShaped]

I do have a therapist, but we've only worked on the letting go of the anger part.
How the f is this hurt attractive? I feel like crap warmed over.
I suppose for as long as I hurt with her, I can actually recover without her

[SorryShaped]

I also keep getting accused of trying to hookup on FB by friends of females. This pi55e5 me off. They are friends and that's it.
I made a very long post explaining that I'm not doing that and that I'm finally grieving my marriage. One person reacted, which IS one. Others just ignore my heartfelt posts most times. I'm really just spent with people overall sometimes. My trust is mostly gone and I don't know when I'll get it back.
I asked for any of my friends to please go to the gym with me today, free. No answers, as usual. It's my favorite thing to do, because there's yoga.
Trying to relax, I meditated again earlier, started crying profusely and forgot to breathe and passed out on the candle, burning my nose a little and my scruffy beard a lot. Gotta shave it off now.
I never thought getting over an evil ex would be hard. Never this hard. I just want to be held by anyone, but I'm too messed up in the head and heart for anyone to want to do that. I'd pay somebody even, but I'm too broke.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I didn't mean to sound flippant, saying women find 'afraid of love' attractive. It was insensitive, and I'm sorry.

The thing is, you will be all over the place for a while. It's just the way it is. We're all the same when it comes to getting over someone.

Time does work, I promise.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I didn't mean to sound flippant, saying women find 'afraid of love' attractive. It was insensitive, and I'm sorry.

The thing is, you will be all over the place for a while. It's just the way it is. We're all the same when it comes to getting over someone.

Time does work, I promise.

I used harsh language on my reply. I apologize. It just doesn't make sense that anyone would find someone in grieving attractive. Not your actions, but my reactions, were the problem therein. Most things people do don't make sense to me anyway.

I'm going to outright ask this lady at yoga tonight just to hold me. I trust her and I think she understands loneliness very well, because we talk about our crappy lives openly and hers has a lot of it too. Before someone accuses, it's not at all about sex. I just want comfort, to be held, and allowed to cry. I think if I'm 100% honest about it that she'll like the idea for her own benefit too. She is married but her husband doesn't even live 75 miles near her. This is only about needing comfort. Is this such a terrible idea?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

No, that doesn't sound terrible. It's what friends do for each other. And a little thing like that can make all the difference.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

No, that doesn't sound terrible. It's what friends do for each other. And a little thing like that can make all the difference.

You have no idea how badly I just want to be held. It's not a little thing to me at all. It's the one thing I always wanted from my ex, to be held, that 99 times out of 100 she denied. I found if I asked for it in front of her friends she would, but usually begrudgingly, while huffing impatiently. I took it because it all I had for years since my best friend ever drank herself to death. I never denied my ex affection, except when I was suicidal or she had just cut me to ribbons with her words for 10 minutes. She usually used affection to get things anyway, and not for the sake of being affectionate or loving. I should be able to get over that kind of "woman" quickly and easily.
This comedown from mania sucks and it's all jacked up with my other messes. I'm not being pushed to worse places for once. I'm actually grateful she's not here, doing her best to make sure I'm suicidal. I'm very grateful of that.
I swear if she pops up somewhere I'll want to vomit on her just to make her run. She sickens me, just the thought of her.
This is what I think I'm actually dealing with... I think what I'm actually getting over is the ideals I held for that relationship, and the ideals I held for her, not her as was/is. Does this make sense?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Well, she sounds like an absolute delight!

(Sorry, again).

Every word makes sense. It's good that you're at the stage where you're seeing her clearly. It must be very painful.

Romantic love like that is often delusional. And what a shock when we wake up.

There's a poem that really struck a chord with me when I was going through this.

Mirage
The hope I dreamed of was a dream,
Was but a dream; and now I wake,
Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old,
For a dream's sake.

I hang my harp upon a tree,
A weeping willow in a lake;
I hang my silent harp there, wrung and snapped
For a dream's sake.

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;
My silent heart, lie still and break:
Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed
For a dream's sake.

by Christina Georgina Rossetti

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I used harsh language on my reply. I apologize. It just doesn't make sense that anyone would find someone in grieving attractive. Not your actions, but my reactions, were the problem therein. Most things people do don't make sense to me anyway.

I'm going to outright ask this lady at yoga tonight just to hold me. I trust her and I think she understands loneliness very well, because we talk about our crappy lives openly and hers has a lot of it too. Before someone accuses, it's not at all about sex. I just want comfort, to be held, and allowed to cry. I think if I'm 100% honest about it that she'll like the idea for her own benefit too. She is married but her husband doesn't even live 75 miles near her. This is only about needing comfort. Is this such a terrible idea?

I think what it is that some women find a man who is hurt as sort of a challenge. I would want to be only with a man who is grieving a lost love and comfort him as a friend. Some would want to take it further and I don't admire that

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Well, she sounds like an absolute delight!

(Sorry, again).

Every word makes sense. It's good that you're at the stage where you're seeing her clearly. It must be very painful.

Romantic love like that is often delusional. And what a shock when we wake up.

There's a poem that really struck a chord with me when I was going through this.

Mirage
The hope I dreamed of was a dream,
Was but a dream; and now I wake,
Exceeding comfortless, and worn, and old,
For a dream's sake.

I hang my harp upon a tree,
A weeping willow in a lake;
I hang my silent harp there, wrung and snapped
For a dream's sake.

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;
My silent heart, lie still and break:
Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed
For a dream's sake.

by Christina Georgina Rossetti

How very appropriate for me today! Thank you so much. My dreams last night were so real, I was standing in front of my ex and two of her awful friends, her only friends left by the way, and I was apologizing for something to all three. I don't know what or why, but it wasn't uncommon for me to be forced to do so in order to even get a hug or spoken to at all civilly. There was a stringed instrument, coincidentally, although it was a guitar. I set it on fire when they all started laughing at me after I said I was sorry, and then I held it, while it burned me to death.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

Healing to get it out. Truly it is. The more I tell the tales of woe, the less power they have over me. I keep telling them and writing them over and over. January was the roughest for me but I made it to now so I can keep going

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You can! Keep talking. You'll have times when it gets worse, but then you'll unexpectedly have times when you do a lot of healing quickly. One day, you'll be walking down the street and you'll be moving differently and breathing differently, and you'll suddenly remember what it's like to feel free.

[SorryShaped]

It will.
If you want a song that kind of sums it all up, "everything" by Pigface is pretty frigging close. "Closer to heaven" fits too, same group.
At gym now, kicking it hard for a couple hours before yoga, and I'll ask for what I truly need after.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'll have a listen.
Good luck with the hug!

[SorryShaped]

Nothing like working up enough sweat on the elliptical to cover tears while listening to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes song "life is hard"

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I just listened... it's genius...

[SorryShaped]

The yoga instructor said at the end of class "I feel like I have to watch you two over here. You're going to get into something." This is the instructor that knows. This is the instructor that became my spirit guide the first class I had with her, and not by teaching doctrine, which she also does, but by being who she is.

I asked my yoga friend for a hug in the parking lot. I was nervous about it and almost crying a little. I could hear my nervousness in my own voice. She gladly did. We hugged several times. A true hug, worth more to me than everything else in the Universe right now! Beautiful. She said she needed that too. I am crying right now, of joy! Smiling and crying for 10 minutes almost. It's wonderful. I am blessed.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm so happy it worked out well. Did you sleep any better?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

I'm so happy it worked out well. Did you sleep any better?

I'm very grateful for that happening. I did sleep better last night. No nightmares, but stuff that would make Fellini scratch his head for sure. The color blue, or those I perceive to be blue, was nearly the entire palette. Outlines we only done by shadows which were as shadows are always, dark. The odd snowflake thing I don't get. It constantly imploded on itself without losing an outer edge, kind of like a kaliedo scope. I fully understand the dreamcatcher with my ex's car in it. It's obvious. She was driving me from my dreams all those years, and it having her car imbedded into it indicates I need to make new dreams for a new catcher. Not sure if it's a catcher or not matters. I don't get the white heart that was burning or just wafting blue and flying around like a drunk butterfly. Then the tunnel being in shadows, but the blue walls occasionally showing as plain and undecorated. Finally, after I walked the tunnel, I was dropping blue rocks into the well, which was the only properly colored thing throughout, in red brick. With a tiny green (maybe) bucket that looked like old brass. I haven't had time to look any of this up.