Obsessed!!

I'm back again. Back onto this topic.

It's the rejection that I am having so much trouble with, especially after ALL that I did for my ex and after ALL that I gave to him. I gave him EVERYTHING... including all of my heart and soul.

The rejection at the end -- even though I broke up with him, he also then broke up with me and said we don't connect enough -- hurt me deeply. To have him say that we didn't connect enough hurt incredibly because we DID connect. That was a knife directly planted into my heart. We connected on many levels, aside from him being a total screw up.

And my desire to want him to contact me just so I can reject him for good? WHY can't I just let it go???? WHY do I need to reject him now? Is my ego that fragile and weak? Typically I feel pretty good about myself and my self-esteem seems to be fairly strong most the time. So why do I need this ego stroking so badly?!? It's making me insane.

And the new guy I'm dating? He's great! He's actually pretty amazing and things are truly great with us! But it's too soon to feel like I have fully moved on. We've only been dating five weeks.

I know I know... It won't help me to hear right now that I should have healed myself first before trying to date and before getting involved with someone new. It didn't happen, so this is where I am and what I am dealing with.

He probably purposely tried to say something to hurt you because you were the one that first broke up. The male ego is fragile and it seems like for some men once you have connected romantically they are all in or all out. Sorry you are feeling badly--falling for people can be an emotional rollercoaster. There must have been some good highs for a while since he was able to make you feel this low! Time will heal the wound eventually.

TY so much, Hoping! I really appreciate your supportive and understanding reply!! YES, there were many highs coupled by many equal lows. You're prob right -- that he said that just to hurt me. Maybe he was feeling defensive. But yeah that one hurt badly and cut me badly.

It is sad that you are respinding the way you are to his immature behavior he responded to yoyr break up with instead of just leaving withoyt wanting the last say.

It kinda reminds me of gradeschool playgrounds where one kid says "I dont like the way you are acting so Im not going to play with you any more" & that kid turns around & says "good because I didnt like you anyway"

Better to be the mature one who doesnt have to have the last biting words. Why engage in immature behavior. That is what he wants because then it keeps you in contact wuth him which in reality might have been exactly what he wanted.

If I had NOT been dysfunctional in my marriage I would have walked awsy rather than engaged in the verbal battles. I learned my lesson & wont even go there any more. I choose to be the mature one NOW....& so can you.

It is interesting, a pre-med guy I went out with a few times in college (early 70's)....our values didnt match & we both decided it wasnt going to work...but in talking to him, he had an interesting philosophy in breaking up with most girls. He said when he knew it wasn't working he would do things to make her mad so she was the one who would break up with him so he didnt have to deal with an emotional female & he could just walk away. It sounds like yoyr ex REALLY wanted you to hang around & work out a way to continue supporting him & when you wouldnt, he got MAD & took it out on you by saying hurtful things because if he really felt what he said he would have just been glad to walk away without saying anything....though it REALLY points out HIS IMMATURITY.....something you REALLY knew was there if you had been honest with ykurself from the beginning about him.

My point is to not respond at all if he contacts me. Perhaps it is immature to want the chance to reject him. It is my anger and hurt that is talking. What I need is support and understanding of my emotional state vs. judgement and ridicule. I don't really need to be shamed for how I am feeling. But yes, he is extremely immature himself, you are correct -- perhaps I have stooped to his level.

Not sure if you understand fully what he put me through and how much of myself, my life and my money I gave to him. I altered my entire life to help him out. He screwed me over royally in the end and I am still bitter and angry and hurt.

It's still pretty fresh in the timeline of you breaking up, so it makes sense that you would still feel the anger.

I understand you wanting the chance to reject him. I think it's normal.

As to what he said to you about not connecting, that was totally to hurt you. Remember that, the only point of that was to hurt you and **** with your mind.

You're still healing. Give it time. You will go through bouts of anger when you think of him.

I had an ex who said **** to me when we broke up too. In the end it took some time to get over it, but I had to let it go if I wanted to move on. Eventually I realized that he was and still is a LOSER who is trying to be an actor in LA who has never and will never make it big, because he just doesn't get that he's not talented enough or hot enough to get a deal. Like grow up...everyone has to realize at some point that their dream of being the next Brad Pitt isn't really going to happen.

Seesaw

Thank you, Seesaw, for your understanding and compassion. I really appreciate it! My ex is a loser too... a total LOSER. In time, I will absorb this even more. Then maybe I can let go.

Take your focus off him. Put focus on yourself.

Don’t ask why he did this or that. Ask yourself why you took on an unemployed addict whom you barely knew snd why did you stay with him after he stole from you etc etc and how to make sure it never happens again.

Truly focus on that with your therapist. When you start working on that then you’ll heal and it will not be important why he did things.

When something bad happens to me I try to understand what’s my role in it? Why did I allow that? What can I change in me so it never happens again? Then you’ll heal faster because you are in charge of your own life (including your own bad choices) rather than a victim of someone’s bad treatment and someone else’s choices.

And count your blessings. You only spent few months face to face with this man. Didn’t marry, lived 30 years, had kids etc and then found he had a second family or something (happens to people). It has not been long term relationship so be glad you got out early

PS I do understand how you feel of course. It’s painful.

I know that you are in deep pain over this sometimes, Eve. I like that some people here are saying that you should focus on yourself. It's so true that *you* are the only person you can really control. When I learned about taking personal responsibility, it opened up a whole new perspective for me. Its not the same thing as self blame.

Also, what are you doing with your time? Someone said that the wounds are still fresh for you, and yes, that is true. At the same time, are you busy? Are you getting stuff done in your life? Do you feel like your life has purpose and meaning? Just wondering. I know that for myself, when I have more free time, that is when I start to obsess, do unhealthy things, etc.

I don't want to minimize your feelings, because I know it sucks! Honestly, what seesaw and someone else said sounds very spot on to me: he was pissed at you for breaking up with him and he decided in that moment, to be passive aggressive, and messed with your mind. That happened to me to once. It was a very painful break up. What I'm trying to say is, don't believe it. Don't believe his words. Don't believe what he said to you. He said it in the heat of his own moment. And it was very emotionally immature. If he meant it, that sure was selfish of him to say. It was cruel and stupid. Mostly, the whole thing points to emotional immaturity though. I'm REALLY glad you didn't marry this dude and have his children!!

I really think you need to focus on you. Focus on you becoming your best self. Who is that? What steps might you want to take in order to move toward becoming that person? How does she feel? What does she do? What kinds of people are in her life?

It took me almost 5 years & 2100 miles distance to stop literally seeing red every time I had to deal eith my H after I was finally able to leave him.

Focusing on self & learning what to do different (even if I never have a BF/H relationship ever again, I want to analyze myself.....there is NO POINT analyzing the H I left because his mind is broken & there is no way of understanding him & it is pointless to confront someone like thst because in reality they are too emotionally immature to comprehend what is told them anyway.

Making sure you know why you got involved & stayed for as long as you did is your own first step in healing. I had to analyze over 33 years before what my logic was to blow off the red flags I saw before the wedding, then analyze why in the world I stuck in that bad marriage for so long....realized the reasons somewhat changed over the years & yes, over 33 years you bettcha I put a lot of myself into the marriage because it was my life. You can't be involved in life without putting your time & even my engineering career money into it though I know. I lost my whole retirement money I had put away for 15 years in my engineering career because of his financial irresponsibility....several hundred thousands of $ & right now Im fighting to get what little is finally in the home forcing him to sell it in the divorce after it is no longer upside down.

Honestly we all have our crap that we have lived through & lost tons on. The point is what can we learn so we wont alliw it to happen again in the future if a situation ever arises again? That is what our focus needs to be on.

Divine, thank you!

That is a great angle to approach this from...... I really like what you suggested. To stop being a victim and to take greater control of my own role in this. I think I have been focusing too much on being a victim. I will work on this with my therapist. And thank you as well for your compassionate understanding of the pain I have been experiencing.

Starry, thank you!

Your post brought tears.... you are SO right. I am NOT busy enough, hence the obsessing.

I am only working part-time (20 hours/week), so I have half the day every single day to do..... ??? Job searching and not much else!

I need more to do with my time..... I should take a course and refocus again on my career so I can get another full-time job more easily. I have been waiting until the new year to perhaps start another course. I should start researching courses to find the best one for me right now.

And your points about what he said -- thank you for the validation. I think you and others are correct -- that he said this because he was upset and probably hurt and wanted to hurt me in return.

I have been trying to ignore his words, but they haunt me in the back of my mind at all times. It's forever present. I have to deliberately steer my thoughts to a more realistic perspective. It was cruel of him... he can be cruel, and I have seen this over and over again throughout the year I was with him. I have seen him lash out at me when he's hurt by something I've said or done. He is this way. So that is probably how I need to view his mean words.

And thank you as well for suggesting that I focus on me, who I am and who I want to be. I need to hear this right now.

TY!

Eskie, thank you for your personal story and for your support!

I cannot imagine what you've been through, but it is very courageous and shows tremendous strength that you got out of that marriage and looked at yourself too.

Your words about the immaturity resonate with me, as did the other posters'. I now know that a confrontation would be pointless. At one point, I wanted to ream him, nail him to the wall and confront his sorry *** on every little thing he did that was wrong. But now I see how much energy and time I wasted on drafting emails to this effect. It IS pointless and I know he would only just respond with more abuse, mean words and immaturity.

That is why I've decided that IF he does write to me ever again, that I will simply ignore it completely, as ppl here have all suggested I do.

I need to get out of my current mentality of still seeing red (like you after leaving your H). It has faded quite a bit, but it's still there sometimes and creeps into my mindset.

Thank you... your points are all on target and are dead on. I DO need to focus on myself more.. as everyone is suggesting!!!

.

Have you considered getting side job, maybe not in your field, but something extra like few nights a week to generate income and keep you busy?

Actually, I have seen many postings for volunteer projects in my field which may help me to get a full-time job. It would bolster my resume and cover letters and may help. Something for me to look into.

I don't want to take on another part-time job that makes me work nights because I love my free nights. I work from 9-1 PM every day. So that leaves from let's say 2- 6 PM for another part-time gig. If I could spend maybe 10-15 hours/week on a volunteer project, that might be good for me.

TY. I think I will look both this and doing another course.

So why can’t you work 2 to 6? Or few nights a week 6 to 10? Or some time on the weekend?

Volunteering is good, I did that at some point. Having free nights is nice (how many free nights do you really need though). But I think your goal was not just be busy but also gain financial independence? You can’t have that on 20 hours a week (unless you are also on disability). If you aren’t on disability working only 20 hours a week is a luxury that most adults can’t afford. You can’t pay bills let alone buy much on it

Well I am on partial unemployment benefits right now because I lost half my job. So I have more funds than from just my part-time job and plenty of money to cover all my expenses and entertainment right now.

My free nights are everything to me. As you know, I like to see live music frequently and that's at night, plus I see my new guy on my free nights.

Volunteer work in my field would allow me to keep my unemployment benefits.

Then again, I may have no other option but to get another paid part-time job if I don't find a full-time job before the Spring. I have to move out of my parents' home by the Spring, or at least, that's what my mother told me recently. She may not stick to that, however. I think she was just trying to light a fire under me.

I could work 2-6 PM easily if I found a contract position with flexible hours. That's a possibility. I really do want to avoid working nights and weekends. I am a strict 9-5 weekday person. Or 9-6.

I have felt that rage you feel right now. Rejection and abuse is a bytch. They say it takes twice as long as the relationship was to get over it. You will get over it. I miraculously got over it all...over and over...but, I have OCD

I am sorry if you went through a horrible experience yourself!

Twice as long?!? OH DEAR. I don't have the patience! LOL. I wonder if I have OCD too??? I obsess!

Are you considering moving in to your guys place? Honestly I don’t see how you can become self sufficient and move completely on your own by Spring? Maybe rent a room in
the house? My daughter used to do that.

You know I am rooting for you inall aspects but honestly if your priorities at the moment are having free nights (all 7 a week?) for dates and concerts, you won’t become self sufficient any time soon. I don’t think you are being realistic. You need to start looking for either very cheap rental options or make employment a priority ASAP not waiting another day.

You may be right. I need to check in with my mother about how serious she was that I have to move by the Spring. She says things like this frequently just to light a fire under me.

I am also a top candidate for a full-time job that was put on hold until after the New Year. I am not putting my eggs all in one basket though.

But you're right -- I may need to be more serious about all this now. I have allowed a little bit of a break for myself during the last month re: interviews, etc. That being said, I am in the running right now for three different full-time jobs, so I haven't taken that much of a break.

Hopefully you can get something very soon. Job search is annoying and stressful. Your mother is within her rights to hurry you up to be independent. I love my daughter deerly but I’d hate to have to live with her more than absolutely necessary. Lol Good luck!

Ha, yeah. My mom feels the same though she says I am an excellent tenant. So there's that at least. They enjoy my company.

The job search IS annoying and stressful.. thank you for the well wishes!

Yeah, I suspect that my mom would let me live with her for a bit if I moved to her town...what I would love is if they renovated their apartment above their garage and I could pay rent...I actually think she would love if I lived on the property with her, because she doesn't have a lot of friends and she loves spending time with me. Plus I could help her around the house and stuff.

But I would be working full-time and paying rent too. So it's not like I would be leaching.

If I did move to their town, I would want to live close enough to go visit regularly. I actually like the idea of living with my mom again, at least since I'm single and I miss her. But again, I would want to be in the garage apartment, not in the house with them.

Seesaw

I'm in the house with my parents, but I have a floor all to myself with my own bathroom and shower. I barely even hang out with them. It's more like we are close roommates who co-exist. LOL. Though I do make a point to talk to them every day.