Unhealthy/Toxic Relationships

En ex bf of mine spewed venomous slurs at me, calling me “C” word and all. That was it for him. I told him he couldn’t talk to me that way. He said, “You’re a big girl, you can take it.” I said, “I won’t take it.” And that was that. Bye bye.

We all have our line of what we will and won’t tolerate.

Oh good Lord. I've been called the C word by my ex as well. WHY I didn't walk away then is truly hard for me to comprehend. Well, I did two months later, so I suppose that's good at least. Yes, we all have our lines of what we will tolerate. Being called a slut and trashy was it for me.

So, I've realized that I met yet another toxic person (toxic for me) and found myself liking him up until now, until I saw behaviors in him that were big RED FLAGS for me, and I caught myself from overlooking the flags.

We were kissing one night, passionately in my car as I was about to drive home and he came over to say good night -- well he pulled a 50 Shades of Grey, Sub/Dom type of maneuver on me while we were kissing. I asked him what he was doing and stopped him. That may be OK and just fine for some people, but it's not for me and makes me VERY uncomfortable. Then the next time we hung out, he very disrespectfully took off without saying goodbye to me. He just vanished. I've decided to CEASE any romantic ties to this person. I thought about it further and realized that he should have asked me if this Sub/Dom thing was Ok with me, before assuming it was. Plus, leaving me, abandoning me in the club like that.

So I will NOT be kissing him again, that's for sure. He can remain at a distance from me -- arms length. I see him out often, so I have to at least be cordial, but that's it.

Well crap. Is this who I think it is? I know you said you didn't think he was commitment material (if this is the same person), but I was hoping you could have a nice casual rebound with him. Oh well. Better to catch this now, right?

YES, it's the same person I told you about. I was hoping he would be my rebound man, too, but NO thank you!!! lol. Definitely best to catch this now.

Oh sure I had a classic emotionally abusive jerk like this when I was young. It was all about his ignorant insecure self trying to control me. I don’t know many women who didn’t have at least one of these losers in her life.

One thought though about your comments: you say you wanted to make him mad and let him know you’ve moved on. You’ll know you’ve truly moved on when you have NO contact or communication with him, period. I don’t think you’re quite there yet if you’re still interested in his reactions to your life choices. Once he’s a non-entity and you don’t give a flying ****, then you’ll know for certain.

I understand how difficult it is to end a relationship, even one like yours. I was the same way - I especially wanted him to know I was seeing other men - LOTS of them.

That relationship was nearly 40 years ago. I have long forgiven him and he’s just a fuzzy memory. I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 33 years. The former jerk bf contacted me on FB a few years ago to apologize for being an *** - I said I appreciated that but it was another life and I’d long forgiven him.

Yes I had an ex boyfriend who was very abusive towards me. He'd ghost on me all the time and come back to me anytime he felt like it. Each time he came back, somehow it was my fault why he disappeared and I was the one always feeling guilty and would always find myself apologizing to him.

He made it seem as if I was the crazy nut, unhealthy, had issues and would nit pick on anything I did. It seemed like nothing ever made him happy and he would verbally and emotionally abuse me constantly. It got to the point where I had no self esteem and I started to have suicidal thoughts.

In the end, he basically told everyone how I abused him and treated him unfairly. He never took responsibility for anything he's done and he still won't admit to it. Anytime you meet anyone who's toxic or abusive, it's best to block them and have no contact with them because every so often they'll try to come back and see if you let them in again.

They'll lie, say that they changed, that their sorry and how much they missed you. It's all a great big lie. Don't fall for it. Remove yourself from the situation and cut off contact with them.

Yes, the abuser is always deep down, deeply insecure -- and deeply disturbed at that.

And you're right -- I have not fully moved on because I am not yet at the point of not giving a rat's *** about him in the least.

When I posted on that forum about other men, it was about three weeks ago when I was still full of rage. the rage has passed, I am getting over it now and I haven't posted much since, except to say that i am happy and am getting out with my friends and meeting new people -- all true.

I am so glad you found someone wonderful! How amazing. I love hearing positive stories like that. It gives me hope!

YES, and that's EXACTLY what they do! They spin it all around to make YOU out to be the crazy one, or the abuser.

I have been debating around what i would say IF he did try to contact me to get back together. I have a very brief email composed and ready to shut him down if he does.

But perhaps you're right. Perhaps NO response is the BEST response?

I have a question for anyone here:

So I am online again doing online dating, just for casual fun and meetups, and NOT for a serious relationship right now.

I am talking to a guy and he wants to meet up this week. I don't want to divulge ANYTHING about having been abused in my last relationship. In fact, I don't even want to talk about my relationships, but IF he asks, I'm going to have to mention something... like I recently got out of a relationship.

Thing is, I have a happiness blog, and I just posted two entries all about emotional abuse. I like sharing my blog with new people, it's a good conversation piece, so It's something I would probably mention on a date, but I DON'T want to divulge that I was recently abused.... of course, that's going to make someone probably run in the other direction.

So how do I approach it? Share my blog and if they happen to read it, just tell them that yes, I've been through some abusive relationships in the past and know a bit about the topic?

Generally speaking it’s better to wait few dates before sharing details.

So I’d advice to avoid talking about past relationships on the first date. People need to know if one has children and was legally married and is divorced or widowed but if you are single it’s fair to assume you had relationships, how and what and when no need to share details on the first date. It’s usually red flag (not over past boyfriends/girlfriends). Better to wait till maybe third date.

Saying all that, there are exceptions. My husband told me on the first date that he had a bad marriage and was abused and other details (all were true). It’s was a bit shocking he shared it but he just felt comfortable and it was ina context of a topic. But generally speaking it’s better to wait few dates

My therapist says that it’s good to be honest but no need to be “open book” all the time especially with people you don’t know

If he asks, you tell him you had several serious relationships in life. That’s all he need to know on The first date

thanks, Divine! This is really helpful! I will follow your advice.

btw, that's amazing that your hubbie shared those details!!

With my husband having Tourette’s, there is a fine line between being him just being open book or his Tourette’s (and OCD)flaring or he forgot his meds. I still don’t always know if he blurts things due to Tourette’s or for no reason. Lol We both laugh about it. “Nope, not Tourette's, just being an idiot”. Haha I suspect he was running his mouth on the first date due to being extremely nervous, almost cost him second day! But here we are.

But yeah don’t share too much on the first date. Keeep it pleasant and light. Imho

Wow! That's great you can laugh about it... he probably was nervous on that first date -- that's kind of cute and endearing. That's amazing that you have one another.... I am very happy for you!

Yes, that's my gut feeling too -- keep it pleasant, light and fun! NO serious talk.

My most recent ex was obsessed about me dating someone else. He harrassed a friend of mine on the old MSN messenger (this was a while ago) to ask her if I was dating. Once my now husband and I went away for a weekend after we'd been dating a bit. A neighbor was taking care of the pets and he (supposedly) was on our street to do a haircut for another neighbor's dog. He saw our neighbor in the yard with the dogs and started interrogating HER about where I was, who I was with. She said all she knew was that I was in Talca, didn't say who I went with to not cause problems. Then, when I got home, there were probably 10 missed calls on the caller ID from his work number.

Fortunately, it died down after a while. From what I heard, he started dating someone with kids and it stopped soon after - one of the main reasons for us breaking up as differing opinions on having children.

It is terrible to deal with, though. If you are no longer with someone it shouldn't be any business of theirs who you are seeing or kissing or whatever. Hopefully he will lose interest in the subject soon.

thanks for your story. It was three weeks ago now that I posted that stuff, and I haven't heard a peep from him since, so....... but psychics have told me he is going crazy knowing i am dating and that I may meet someone else. Ok, no need to comment on the psychics part. We've covered it in another thread..... I was addicted for a while to calling psychics about him. But that's over now.

oh wow. I have to say yes. But when it comes to walking away for me, it's not necessarily walking away from the relationship that is what I think of. Right now I can't get out of the marriage I am in but what the quote does speak to my heart about is this: being able to walk away from said verbal abuse and toxicity rather than always retaliating or fighting back.

Many times in the relationship I am stuck in, the spouse gets very personal, says a lot of things that are really character assassinations and will be demeaning and well all of the other things toxic people do in arguments. I have a very hard time when someone knows what buttons to push to not react and just leave the area, conversation or what not. it escalates at that point of course and sadly I agree that it says something about my maturity :/ don't like to admit it but yeah.

So thanks for this post, it seriously speaks to my heart and is something I know I need to work on right now!

I am sooooo sorry you have found yourself in such a toxic and abusive marriage. Why do you feel stuck? Kids, finances? This is heartbreaking to hear that you feel stuck.

And yes, the best thing you can do when you DO feel stuck is to NOT put up with it, draw boundaries, disengage and walk away from the abuse. I would even go so far as to say "that is not acceptable behavior and until you can talk to me respectfully, I will not talk to you." Then walk away, out of the room and stick to your word.

I once did this with an extremely abusive man, who then followed me from room to room, trying to continue the argument, along with more abusive slurs and a raised voice, to the point of screaming at me. I literally had to FLEE the house to get away from him, then finally RAN AWAY from him literally, for my own safety and well-being. I went to a hotel for three days, came back and packed up all my belongings trying not to say a word to him. He of course, followed me around all over the house, then started a huge abusive tirade against me once again.

Yep, I've been through it. I really feel for you.....

stuck because I live in a state that makes divorce not easily obtained. 1 year of physical separation first and at this point neither of us wants in the marriage anymore and she is dragging things out and not leaving (it's my lease and apartment she moved back in a couple years ago after having been gone for 3+ yrs under the guise she would be just getting on her feet and only be there a couple weeks) Looking at retaining a lawyer to help enforce a fair separation agreement. but that's costly.

Oh dear.... well, if neither of you wants the marriage anymore, can you push for the separation and perhaps find a cheaper lawyer?? Can you kick her out of the apartment legally since it's your lease?

Idk but regardless of cost I need attorney on my side.

Yes, you need an attorney for certain.

In 2016, I was in 6 unhealthy relationships with 6 different friends. On a positive note, the relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years was very healthy and happy. My happiness caused everyone around me to be jealous of me. They were jealous that my guy and I were happy, and they were not. They did everything in their power to make us unhappy.

I picked up the phone one morning and cursed them all out. I told them goodbye and I won't miss them.

A year later after cutting these pathetic fools out of my life, my guy and I are still together. We are so happy, as we were without these fools in my life.

When we're happy, we need to watch our backs. There is always someone who wants to tear us down.

Wow, the unhappy always want to tear down the happy.. just like the weak always want to tear down the strong. What a story! AND good for you for cutting these people out of your life!!!!

UGH. I do not think this post belongs in this thread, but here it goes anyways.

A friend of mine, a male, a rather new friend, is upset with me. He has tried to cross boundaries into the sexual with me a few times, and has indicated he would be interested in that with me, but i have told him FLAT OUT that I just want friendship ONLY. I have told him this SEVERAL TIMES. I even declined a fully paid trip with him down south because I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

Well, now he's upset with me because he says I've flirted with him. So he assumes that I want more, DESPITE what I've told him, and DESPITE avoiding his advances.

And we're supposed to go to a concert together on Sunday, with a few other people. Now I have asked him if he doesn't want me to go.

I don't understand men. WHY do they read into friendliness and IGNORE our words? Perhaps I am too flirtatious and give off a different vibe from what I speak, but shouldn't men LISTEN to what we say???????

I am angry at him for ignoring everything I've told him up until now. He's tried to kiss me before, and I told him POINT BLANK -- friendship ONLY. I even slept over his house once, because I was too tipsy to drive home, and I drew the boundaries THEN TOO. FRIENDSHIP ONLY. I thought I've been crystal clear.

Ok, I understand if actions contradict words that it can be confusing. But I have not crossed into the sexual with him, not once. I am just simply being myself and am having a good time being out with my friend.

WTF? I feel like he's just seeing what he wants to see, and is ignoring all that I've said.