This morning I found this quote, which was/is applicable to my own relationship situation right now:

“Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, morals and self-worth.”

My recent ex verbally and emotionally was abusive, I am now fully seeing. It didn't sink in fully until he recently called me a slut, trashy and promiscuous just because I kissed someone after we broke up and went out on a date. That was not the first time he had been verbally abusive to me.

I have just fully realized just how toxic and unhealthy this relationship was for me overall, and that my focus should be on fully walking away from him, letting go, and sticking to a NO CONTACT rule, as opposed to anything else.

This quote really struck me hard this morning about exactly what I need to do, which is healthiest for ME.

Anyone else in an unhealthy/toxic relationship?

Just as the quote states, when a relationship threatens your peace of mind, self-respect and self-worth, it's time to walk away.

[WishIWereAStone]

Sometimes walking away is easier said than down, my step children (adult) threaten just about all those things for me but I can't escape them, they will always be a part of my life as long as my wife and I are together, so till one of us dies.

[Sunflower123]

Good for you for having that insight, holding your head high and walking away.

[Erebos]

Not in one now, but by Christ I have had a few.
I have been that abused and the abuser. And it took me a long time to recognise my own part in these fkt up head games.
For the most part I just thought,why would you do this to me.

I tried therapy, but it made things worse. Put me in the mindset of a victim. Something I am definitely not.

I had to break the cycle of these poisonous relationships, and the only way I could do that was by owning my part in it.
There were many times I got out and should have stayed out. I didn't stay because I was scared but because I had to be right.
I had to to prove he was wrong , his behaviour was wrong and I would force him to see it and change.
I was provocative, confrontational or equally passive aggressive.

It was a battle of wills, and I didn't want to lose.

I had ALOT of growing up to do before I realised actually it isn't worth it.
But I had learnt this from my parents. The relationship is a war zone and only the manipulative and cunning win.

It took a long time to realise it wasn't a competition.
And that every time I stayed after a fight, it was confirming his belief that he was right.

Ahh, the joys of being in love and stubborn. Lol.

[eskielover]

I was wondering HOW IN THE WORLD that jerk I thought you left found out about the details of your date. Wow, those aren't details I would share unless there was something in the back of my mind about hoping he would get jealous & change so I could get him back.

His response for sure showed you lepords don't change their spots. Hopefully this enlightenment will get through to you to finally drop this jerk & not look back.

[Open Eyes]

golden_eye, you needed to see for yourself how no matter what you gave to this individual you would never get back the caring investment you put in.

Originally Posted by eskielover

I was wondering HOW IN THE WORLD that jerk I thought you left found out about the details of your date. Wow, those aren't details I would share unless there was something in the back of my mind about hoping he would get jealous & change so I could get him back.

His response for sure showed you lepords don't change their spots. Hopefully this enlightenment will get through to you to finally drop this jerk & not look back.

He found out because I posted it on the forum we're both on.... I did want to make him mad (in a way), but more so, I wanted to let him know I was moving on.

Nope, leopards do not change their spots!

thank you, all...... it's been a rough process, but I am finally seeing the light.

[~Christina]

Great quote ! Glad you are moving on.

[eskielover]

Glad you are moving on. Im sure your future will be bright.

[sky457]

I have been in 3 emotionally abusive/manipulative relationships. I have never been the abuser. After the most recent one I told myself I would not get with someone again who would try to destroy me.

Originally Posted by sky457

I have been in 3 emotionally abusive/manipulative relationships. I have never been the abuser. After the most recent one I told myself I would not get with someone again who would try to destroy me.

YES. Your post actually made me cry, because I know what this is like - the abuser trying to destroy every good feeling you have about yourself. That is what they do. They want you to feel as miserable as they are themselves, so they try to tear you apart and down.

I've been through it too many times myself. And now it needs to end.

Sending big hugs and good for you!!!!

[Clairvoyeur]

I trusted a therapist, I trusted friends, they ALL turned against me. I asked them WHY??? They could not/would not respond. What kind of rotten people are they??

I don't think they even qualify as being referred to as human. Maybe inhumane is more appropriate!!

God gives the best punishment. It will come to them. Then, and only then, will they realize the ERROR of their ways!!

Originally Posted by Clairvoyeur

I trusted a therapist, I trusted friends, they ALL turned against me. I asked them WHY??? They could not/would not respond. What kind of rotten people are they??

I don't think they even qualify as being referred to as human. Maybe inhumane is more appropriate!!

God gives the best punishment. It will come to them. Then, and only then, will they realize the ERROR of their ways!!

Yes, they will get theirs, for sure, one way or another. If people turn against you like that, they are not worthy of being called friends, and certainly no therapist is worthy who turns against you too. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

[Clairvoyeur]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, they will get theirs, for sure, one way or another. If people turn against you like that, they are not worthy of being called friends, and certainly no therapist is worthy who turns against you too. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

THANK YOU!!

The therapist DESTROYED ME!!! He is the most HEARTLESS & CRUELEST MAN I have ever met in my life. You would not believe the SLANDER AND DEVASTATION HE CAUSED ME FOR YEARS!!!

That is just horrible. We go to a therapist typically when we are in a vulnerable place in life, looking for someone we can confide in, confide our biggest troubles in, and we put our faith and trust in them. They are supposed to uplift us, help us, strengthen us and empower us. For that person to turn it all around and cause HARM.... well, that is just an unspeakable type of offense. That person does not deserve a license to practice. I am so sorry that you went through this.....

I also realized that when someone treats you with HATRED rather than LOVE and respect, that that is abuse. This has taken me time to see and realize -- at first with my ex I chalked up his abusive words towards me as anger, hurt feelings and upset. The first time we broke up, he became hateful towards me, calling me names and calling me "trash". But now I see that being hateful towards someone you supposedly love with all your heart and soul can be defined and categorized as emotional abuse.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I also realized that when someone treats you with HATRED rather than LOVE and respect, that that is abuse. This has taken me time to see and realize -- at first with my ex I chalked up his abusive words towards me as anger, hurt feelings and upset. The first time we broke up, he became hateful towards me, calling me names and calling me "trash". But now I see that being hateful towards someone you supposedly love with all your heart and soul can be defined and categorized as emotional abuse.

There's a quote I've seen going around lately, which I believe is from a tv show, but it still is profound. Something to the tune of: "When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like normal flags."

This is why it so often takes us a long time, with a lot of trials, to realize that someone is truly toxic. Once we decide we love or trust someone, toxicity is a lot harder to perceive! I am proud of you for being able to think through this and reach this conclusion. We all wear those rose colored glasses at some point, so don't ever beat yourself up for "missing the signs" or not seeing this sooner.

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

There's a quote I've seen going around lately, which I believe is from a tv show, but it still is profound. Something to the tune of: "When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like normal flags."

This is why it so often takes us a long time, with a lot of trials, to realize that someone is truly toxic. Once we decide we love or trust someone, toxicity is a lot harder to perceive! I am proud of you for being able to think through this and reach this conclusion. We all wear those rose colored glasses at some point, so don't ever beat yourself up for "missing the signs" or not seeing this sooner.

thank you soo much for saying this..... I won't beat myself up. It IS easy to miss toxicity once you have those rose colored glasses on! I most certainly believed he was a good guy because he presented himself as such. I wanted to believe that and fell for it, while ignoring the signs that said otherwise.

I do have compassion for myself and the mistakes I made in this. I am thankful that I have come to this conclusion and can see it all now for what it truly was --- abuse. And I am thankful that I am strong enough to not let his abusive words effect me or my self esteem. Thank God.

I am getting out of this relatively unscathed... it took a couple weeks to get there, but now that i recognize the abuse, it is SO much easier to let go and walk away for good.

And now that I see where and how I went wrong, I will do FAR better this next go around.

thank you so much again for your support!!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I also realized that when someone treats you with HATRED rather than LOVE and respect, that that is abuse. This has taken me time to see and realize -- at first with my ex I chalked up his abusive words towards me as anger, hurt feelings and upset. The first time we broke up, he became hateful towards me, calling me names and calling me "trash". But now I see that being hateful towards someone you supposedly love with all your heart and soul can be defined and categorized as emotional abuse.

I agree

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I agree

thanks, Fuzzy.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I also realized that when someone treats you with HATRED rather than LOVE and respect, that that is abuse. This has taken me time to see and realize -- at first with my ex I chalked up his abusive words towards me as anger, hurt feelings and upset. The first time we broke up, he became hateful towards me, calling me names and calling me "trash". But now I see that being hateful towards someone you supposedly love with all your heart and soul can be defined and categorized as emotional abuse.

I had the experience that being trapped in the bad marriage with a guy who was financially irresponsible & unable to emotionally connect, I was like a tiger in a trap that kept having sticks poked at me, I didnt have any rose colored glasses & never felt love either direction. So when I ended up trapped with no way out, I struck out with my claws. I fought his kind of abuse with my own kind of abuse. Talk about a messy situation. The relief of finally being able to escape.....once I was out I had a difficult time grasping that I was free. Though he up is still destroying me financially, having the distance & my freedom, I have no desire to continue fighting back with my abuse. Makes me realize that in some cases (not yours) abuse is a self defense reaction....but it still is abusive action. I look back & wonder how I would have reacted differently & honestly...I probably wouldn't since it was in reality the only voice I could find in a situation like that. I would have had to have not married in the first place like my gut feeling told me or left while I had my career instead of hiding in it but stayed for our daughter which only messed her up more.

Relationships & even abuse is so much more complex in certain situations that we can ever imagine in a generalized sort of way.

Your bring up about abuse triggered my memory in realizing that was how I responded to the kind of abuse I was experiencing. Ugh, a relationship where nothing but abuse is being slung around....no where to duck to miss it. Would live my life pleasantly alone before ever getting involved in something like that again. Somehow peace & quiet is very inviting after a life like that.

[twinkles7]

Wow this is the perfect forum for me today. I'm sorry to hear it and staying away is probably the best thing.

I just had my year anniversary this past weekend and my husband moved out today. I'm sick of him having excuses not to help me pay bills and contribute the household financially. He also had started accusing me of cheating and saying really mean hurtful things to me.

He told me that I "thought I was cute but I'm not I'm an old *****." That was it for me. I can't do it anymore. This isn't my first rodeo and the writings on the wall so why go on any further. Still sad anyway.

Originally Posted by eskielover

I had the experience that being trapped in the bad marriage with a guy who was financially irresponsible & unable to emotionally connect, I was like a tiger in a trap that kept having sticks poked at me, I didnt have any rose colored glasses & never felt love either direction. So when I ended up trapped with no way out, I struck out with my claws. I fought his kind of abuse with my own kind of abuse. Talk about a messy situation. The relief of finally being able to escape.....once I was out I had a difficult time grasping that I was free. Though he up is still destroying me financially, having the distance & my freedom, I have no desire to continue fighting back with my abuse. Makes me realize that in some cases (not yours) abuse is a self defense reaction....but it still is abusive action. I look back & wonder how I would have reacted differently & honestly...I probably wouldn't since it was in reality the only voice I could find in a situation like that. I would have had to have not married in the first place like my gut feeling told me or left while I had my career instead of hiding in it but stayed for our daughter which only messed her up more.

Relationships & even abuse is so much more complex in certain situations that we can ever imagine in a generalized sort of way.

Your bring up about abuse triggered my memory in realizing that was how I responded to the kind of abuse I was experiencing. Ugh, a relationship where nothing but abuse is being slung around....no where to duck to miss it. Would live my life pleasantly alone before ever getting involved in something like that again. Somehow peace & quiet is very inviting after a life like that.

You know, it is very common I do believe, to fight fire with fire and to resort to stooping to their level. I have done this with my abusive ex's as well. Sometimes, it feels like it's the only thing that will work -- is to sling it back right at them. So, I can relate very much to what you are saying.

It's making me see how truly dysfunctional my relationship was. We had numerous blowout fights when living together, where daggers were thrown in both directions and voices were raised to the point of yelling at each other. I would never have participated in this way, had he not been disrespectful to begin with.... whenever I confronted him, it turned into a rip roaring massive fight, where he would start accusing me of all this BS, which then would turn into a fight. Good Lord.

I am SO glad to be out of this relationship. PEACE is sooooo much better.

And yes, abusive relationships ARE complex. There are many aspects to them and they are not simple to dissect. Some forms of abuse are so covert that you cannot exactly even identify it or recognize it as abuse. You only know that you are feeling badly, walking on eggshells or feel fearful of that person, even.

I became afraid of confronting my ex with his behavior and making him accountable because of the way he would attack me and accuse me every time I did. So I was afraid....

I digress. I am glad you got out of your abusive relationship. The freedom from that type of jail sentence cannot be measured.....

With each day, I am feeling stronger and better and more resolute. It's amazing how time truly does heal, along with personal reflection and getting support around it.

thanks for your story and for your support.

Originally Posted by twinkles7

Wow this is the perfect forum for me today. I'm sorry to hear it and staying away is probably the best thing.

I just had my year anniversary this past weekend and my husband moved out today. I'm sick of him having excuses not to help me pay bills and contribute the household financially. He also had started accusing me of cheating and saying really mean hurtful things to me.

He told me that I "thought I was cute but I'm not I'm an old *****." That was it for me. I can't do it anymore. This isn't my first rodeo and the writings on the wall so why go on any further. Still sad anyway.

I am glad you are here, too, and welcome to PC!

Oh goodness.... sounds like you landed yourself in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship as well. My ex was not financially responsible either!!! I supported us for four months straight, while he sat around playing video games and smoking weed rather than looking for work like he was supposed to!!! I kicked him out after dipping into my savings too many times.

If they cannot contribute financially, and if there's also disrespect, it's time for them to go. So good for you for ending it and for saying enough is enough!!!

My ex calling me a slut and trashy finally was my last straw. That allowed me to see the verbal abuse as clear as the day. It cannot get any more obvious than that. Just like given what yours said to you.

Sending you a big hug!!!!! Best to get out now before things got worse.