I truly give up

I'm probably going to get into trouble with some things I say in this post, Idk.

There is nothing anyone can say which will convince me that I wasn't to blame.

I snooped on my ex-fiance's FB yesterday just...because. I never do; it's been years since I've known what he's up to. His life is so normal--beautiful wife, two kids, happy life in the suburbs. That could have been my life if I'd just been a normal, pleasant person. He was pretty horrid do me, calling me derogatory names, hitting me, etc. But he doesn't do that. It was just with me. Because no one can stand to be around me

I've ruined every friendship and relationship I've touched. I don't care what J was like; there were flashes where I could see this man cared about me. And he is right; I'm too sick to talk to. I'm an unpleasant person. I'm too stressful to be around.

My friends have just given up on talking to me. I try to tell them how I'm feeling; they don't reply anymore.

I just realized this morning that it's been days since I've left my apartment. I've been having groceries delivered because I don't really want to make the effort to interact with other people. I don't trust them. What's the point?

I realize that I don't care about my body anymore.

****trigger

I'm binging and purging. Or, rather, I just can't reliably keep food down.

****trigger

I did an experiment on OkC...when I was on there looking for something real, and indicating that, I was getting a moderate amount of hits. But people would just message with me endlessly, never ask me out. This has been my experience for years and years on those sites. I changed my status to looking for a hookup. Amazingly, I've had offers for dates this weekend.

I've come to understand through this whole experience that this is all I'm good for.

I've started smoking regularly, which is something I haven't done in about 15 years. Back then, it was just a social thing, going out to the bars when you used to be able to smoke in them. But I'm at about a pack a day. Who cares though? What, am I going to get sick and die? Who cares?

If I could get my hands on anything heavier, I would be using. I just don't care anymore. Why?

40 years old, I've never been married. I've never had a solid friend group. I've never had family to rely on. The only thing I've ever wanted in my life is to rise above the wreck of my childhood and create my own home unit--me and another person, and we'd just do our own little thing. That's who J was supposed to be. That's what he led me to believe he wanted. But I've learned over the years that no one wants that from me. And over 20 years of trying to date, I've come to understand that it's not going to happen.

For me, the career doesn't matter. I hate my job. I don't want to go back. I can barely function hour to hour as it is. My pdoc asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. Why? I've been so many times. Why? So I can sit in on group therapies that I've listened to way too many times? So they can put me on yet another cocktail of meds that'll make me gain another 30lbs and put me further into depression? What is the ****ing point?

I feel so stuck. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of reaching out, tired of remembering what happened with J, tired of remembering the awful things he said, tired of remembering his hands on me and how his eyes went blank.

I'm a throwaway person.

The OkC thing is not you. There are tons of guys looking just to hookup and "have fun." I've experienced this too and can relate.

In terms of your ex-fiance, could it be that he is abusing her / them too, and just not posting about it on Facebook? Or maybe he got help. Regardless, what you're going through is a terrible feeling and I'm sorry you're in pain.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I am so sorry you have been treated this way. You are worth it.

No. Not possible. We have several mutual friends; he was set up on a date with his now wife by our mutual friend (wow...total betrayal) two weeks after we broke up. Everyone knows him to be a solid guy. Because he IS a solid guy. His only issue was depression back then. But who ISN'T depressed?

I'm 100% sure he is not abusing her, I'm 100% sure he never did. I'm 100% sure that it was my fault.

If the OkC thing isn't me, where am I supposed to meet anyone? Because I've been trying since my ex and I broke up in 2004, and the closest I've come to a real relationship is the one I just came out of which, surprise! wasn't a real relationship at all.

So who cares? I may as well just go out and do what I'm good for...have meaningless sex. At least someone is touching and paying attention to me, which is more than I can say has been happening for the past several years.

I've had meaningless sex. It's never meaningless.
I think you need to realize that you aren't a throwaway. You need to find value within yourself, long before you can ever value someone else.
Most abusive relationships don't appear that way, as far as the ex is concerned.
My relationships are all crappy too. It's ok. I'll get there or not. I'm super grateful for the crumbs I get.

This is so so soooo cliche. And I've heard it a billion times. I did have value in myself once upon a time. What happens when no one else values you? You stop ****ing caring. What's the point? I wasn't valued before I came out of the womb, I was just a baby the doctors refused to abort so my mother had no choice.

But thank you for validating that yes, it was indeed my fault. I should have just valued myself more.

PS I've had plenty of meaningless sex. It's better than nothing.

The only thing I would fault you at for this thread is not valuing you.

There is nothing to value.

I'm not going to argue this point further.

Suit yourself

You don't know me. You have no idea what value I am and am not. Going on the generic "all people are of value" is totally banal to me. Someone who doesn't know me telling me I have value is like the cashier at Meijer asking me if I'm having a good day. Does she really care? No. But she has to say it anyway.

The cashier also doesn't come here to try to help you for free, because she might not believe that everyone's got merit and value. Guess what, I'm here and I do believe that. Is your anger serving you well?

I'm very sorry for the immense pain that you are going through right now.

You DO have freedom. Its not nothing. And health. Having love just means having to do chores for somebody. Im sure thats great at the beginning, but after a while i just want my freedom again.

I can't say that I have anything besides anger left. Believe me, I'm trying. I woke up bawling my eyes out this morning. Then I took a shower, and felt almost happy, made some plans to do something tomorrow. But the anger always comes back. Like I keep saying, it's just not worth it to try and be happy anymore. I've been trying to pick myself up for years... after my engagement fell apart. After my church family abandoned me (and I them, to be fair). After my real family abandoned me (and I chose to walk away from the more toxic members of them, to be fair).

Every new circumstance I go into, work, new friendships, whatever, I do my best to make friends, be pleasant. People just decide they hate me for whatever reason. There's got to be a reason, just like with J. I just don't know what it is. Sometimes it's "She just looks so unpleasant." Dude. This is my face. Sometimes it's "She's not friendly enough." Dude. I like to do my work on my own. My job is stressful; I like to focus. Sometimes it's "She just so weird." Yeah. I'll agree with that. Can't help it.

It's always something. I'm never going to be good enough for whatever group I go into. J, initially, made me feel like I was acceptable the way I was, mental illness and everything. Like I was worth having that dream of a home and a family. He made me feel like I was worth someone loving me enough to be patient with some of my insecurities and hangups. Because I'll always have them. I knew that, if it wasn't him, it wasn't going to be anyone. In the beginning, he was so patient. When I had my bad moments, he said, "It's okay. I don't take it personally. I know it's the illness. I know you still care about me. It's not you."

And it was all a lie. This one thing, this one person who had finally come along and gave me hope that I could live like a semi-normal person...it was all a lie. So I'm sorry, but I have nothing left but anger.

I never asked to be born. So yes, I'm angry that I'm here, and that I've had to deal with the **** that my life has been virtually on my own. I didn't ask to be here, but people sure seem to want to make me feel like a burden for being on this earth.

I love how, after a person commits suicide, people say, "If only we'd known. If only they'd told us how much they were hurting."

I am telling people. I am screaming it at people. No one is listening. And what is going to the ER going to do? I know everyone in the ER; I used to work there. That's career sabotage for me. Besides, what? I go to the hospital? And no one visits just like every other time I've been to the hospital? I'm responsible to get myself there and back?

Why am I even here?

You have the mental capacity to ask and understand those questions. imo, its a gift that they feel important to you. But as Monk would say, its a gift AND a curse.

Part of it is gender betrayal. If you were a man, and you have this steady job, yeah you would probably have your pick of women. Life rewards men who work. Women, not so much. A few token ones.

I desperately want to contact the first woman I think he lied to me about. This was from two years ago. I am so confused, my mind is so full of the **** he told me. It's like...she doesn't even need to respond to me. All I want to know is if, the first time he and I started talking, back in February/March of 2016, if she was still in the picture. I'm sure she was. And he was making plans for me to come down to TN even then. The first question I asked him when we started chatting, before I indicated that I had interest was "Are you single?" Yes, he said. I'm single.

The premise of that initial conversation was because, when he used to contact me in 2012, I was super standoffish to him. Like...really, really. And I finally told him, in no uncertain terms, to stop messaging me, even though he tried a few times. My purpose for messaging him in 2016 was to apologize for being such a B, because I'd opened those old chats and I saw how completely and sharply I'd cut him off. We didn't even really start flirting. We just chatted about how I was seeing a guy from a dating site, how his dating life was going (he indicated that he hadn't dated at all recently, had tried Tinder and failed, had a few failed dates here and there...that was BS I found out later since he'd admitted to a 4 year relationship and I called him on it recently and he was like, "I don't remember what I said")

I just want to know the extent of his gaslighting. That's all. I feel like there is so much of the story missing. Will it help? I don't know. But I want to know. What is the worst she can do? Block me? Surely she knows what an *** he is.

I'm not trying to be conceited, but I'm one of the more attractive of his conquests in looks, goals, career... And, for the narcissist, to have been chasing a girl like me who has cut you off since 2012, I can see how this was a win for him.

For me, he was everything. I'd wanted him for years. And I was nothing but a win for him.

Can you understand how, for a girl who has never felt like anyone loved her, who finally felt like maybe this might be the one, this is the most devastating thing that's ever happened? Even if, in the end, I didn't really want him anyway? I just wanted it not to be a lie.

How you feel is completely understandable to me. You’ve got the biological clock ticking into overtime. You are also dealing with disorders.

If it gives you any solace, I did get married and have kids and the white picket fence. It was no bed of roses! (The marriage and home part. The kids are great.)

There’s no way to know if any other path you may have taken would have been any better for you. You can only keep moving forward.

We all have value. We all have something to give and contribute to the world. That is how our worth is measured— by what we GIVE.

You mentioned a bf who hit you and you blame yourself. No, no, no, I’m pretty sure a man who hits any women is an abuser across the board and will hit other women, too. No woman deserves to be hit. A truly good, non abusive man will never hit any woman.

I could’ve written your post Graystreet. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. No matter for what reason though, the fact that he hit you means that he isn’t a good man. At least, not good enough for you. Sending hugs

Thank you.

The man who hit me was my ex. We broke up over 15 years ago. Believe me when I tell you, this man has never hit another woman. I'm not making excuses for him; simply using him to back up why my most recent "relationship" was also likely my fault.

The issue for why I'm here is not a man who was driven, by me, to hit me because I was relentless in calling him names and putting him down and fighting with him (and yes, hitting him myself) until he simply couldn't take it anymore. This man did not do that prior to me. He hasn't done it since. I don't care what other victims of abuse want to tell me, I know him, I know our mutual friends, and they know his wife. I promise you; this is not happening.

But that isn't the issue for why I'm here. I'm in the place I'm in because, narc or not, the most recent one, J, simply couldn't handle me. No one can. And that's something I either have to learn to deal with, and learn to live without the love I've craved forever. Or choose not to continue to live with it. And that's the place I'm in right now.

I see. Yeah I get what you mean. I sincerely hope that you’ll choose to keep on living

Well, you are recognizing and accepting where you are at fault. But you are not completely at fault. Relationships take two. You were both at fault. You’re having black and white thinking.

I am very sorry for the ongoing pain that you are experiencing. I feel helpless to know to know how to comfort you in the face of your total conviction of belief in your own culpability. I wish that I could comfort you. In your posts here I find an articulate, intelligent, thoughtful person. I gather that you have a responsible job that requires a lot of skill and professionalism. Perhaps bringing these strengths to mind will help somewhat when you are feeling so down on yourself.

(((((graystreet)))))

You open up and tell these things and it has the power to help me personally. (small or no consolation, I know).

My woman is you. It's the same story, only I know what my problems are, because I'm me. But I can see how you're suffering and now I have renewed empathy for my woman who is hurting for all the same reasons.

I want to change how I am and approach her with empathy. I want to give her what she needs. Because I love her.

Is there hope? I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. But at least, thanks to you, I know that there is a person who hurts on the other side - not just someone who yells at me and hits me.

If i'm wrong for posting this I apologize. If it's insensitive or completely tone deaf, I apologize. I apologize a lot these days.

Cliche alert!! I hope you get what you need. I will hope as hard as I can. Who knows? Maybe there's some sort of karmic hope magic that will come of it.

But I'm grateful that you are so open.