What do I do when boyfriend and I can't agree on having kids.

I am sorry that you went through that. I have thought about this exactly! When you find someone like that it is hard NOT to compare every relationship after to it.

Even if we break up I won't have kids with just anyone. It would have to match what I have now and love like this doesn't happen often. Not to mention that I think I will always love him so how could I even fully be with someone when my heart is elsewhere? I would hate to settle on a guy just so I can fulfill a inner pull to have kids. That doesn't seem like happiness to me.

Logically it makes sense to let someone go when you are not on the same page about something this big. But when you have a great love in front of you VS. a hypothetical situation- (maybe having kids.. one day.. if you find the right person- it is that much harder to decide.

I have been through trauma at the hands of a man in the past and my current relationship is the first man I have felt comfortable around since then- the only one I have fully trusted. That doesn't just happen often, and it doesn't feel like something you just let go.

He thinks I will resent him for this and never truly be happy without kids so he is worried for our future. I am trying to think about being a mother carefully and why I really want it and some of the reasons are selfish.

Thank you for your reply. This has been very helpful.

The odd part is that I more so want kids for when they are adults rather than actual children- that lifelong bond, watching them grow into their own people, having a relationship as adults, spending holidays together. But it is not guaranteed that they will want that with me, or even live near me.

As far as babies and raising children I have not been around kids very much and honestly don't know how to care for them. But at the same time I know I have the ability to love them unconditionally and care for them no matter what. I know I will make a good mom but I am not sure if that lifestyle will make me happy.

Maybe my reason for having kids is selfish. I hope they bring me happiness and fulfillment and honestly to feel less alone when I am older. I want to provide that unconditional love, to teach, and help them grow. Are those good enough reasons?

As you said you feel like a newborn baby now and having kids would not work anytime soon. I see so many people having kids before they have really worked on themselves, or even know themselves. I am trying hard to work on myself as I often find myself depressed, negative, and am constantly comparing myself to others. Plus I am completely uncertain of my career and trying to work out a new direction to go into. I can't see myself having kids before I have at least worked on some of this (at the very least my career and developing healthier habits). My fear is that I may never feel fully content with myself to have kids so why throw away something good for something that might happen?

My boyfriend worries he preventing me from doing something that will make me happy and it will ultimately cause friction in our relationship. He is starting to think it won't work out but I am trying to convince myself otherwise.

He is very important to me. I do think I can live without kids and feel happy. I just worry I will always feel that void, or regret.

When I first read the thread title my initial response to that question was "break up".

After reading and getting more context though, it's much more complicated and I can relate a lot to you. I too have a hard time connecting with people and letting anyone close and men have been... not so great to me in the past. I worry a lot about having this same issue of finding a guy who is amazing, but insists on having kids while I don't want them. Before getting involved with anyone I always try to make sure we match on key things like this, but as you've found out people can change their minds so that's not always fool proof.

I read most of the posts here but not in depth all of them, so I apologize if I'm repeating something already suggested, but is there a way you can spend an extended period of time with someone's kid? Try out multiple ages, from baby to up to 10 yrs I'd say. Over Christmas last year my niece was spending the day with my parents and I happened to get there very early. My niece is very sweet, but she's got sooooo much energy (as most kids do). Because I don't see her a lot she kept trying to get me to play and I couldn't really get away from her. I finally got a break when her mom got there after a few hours and took over and I was so emotionally drained, which added to the physical exhaustion. I never snapped at her or anything, but I know that if I had to endure much longer I probably would have. I was 99% sure I didn't want kids before that, but that made it 100% for me.

I am a bit more flexible though on my stance. I know what I don't like in a kid, and that's the early stages where they are nothing but energy and entirely dependent on their parents. I would be willing to adopt an older child and preferably one that is known to be calmer, and that's my middle ground if I found a great guy who insisted on having kids. I love the idea of being able to take an older child, while most people only want babies, and giving them an actual home of their own. I wonder if that's something your guy would consider too?

I could not be with someone who didn't want kids. It would be a deal breaker for me. They are such a huge, important part of my life. To be honest I cant stand being around other peoples kids for long periods of time, but my own? I can't imagine life without them.

Personally I feel that the topic of kids is such a huge life impacting one that if you can't agree on the subject, then it wouldn't be worth it in the long run. One of you may find later down the road that you regret having to make such a huge sacrifice by choosing one direction in life and not the other. But that's just my personal opinion. It really depends on how much you want to have a child in your life.

Never have kids to fill loneliness.
My mother did this and my life is miserable because of her needs for attachment over the years
I’d offer you to address the feelings of loneliness through other means

Whoa....wait? What? Is this about more than just whether or not to have kids??

spending time with someone else’s kids is not even remotely the same as having kids. It’s a valid suggestion but I wouldn’t base my decision on having kids on how much I enjoy company of someone’s children.

It’s never a good idea to settle. But it’s equally bad idea to give up your dreams. Yes having kids is hypothetical but so is spending your life with this man and “always” loving him.

I am wondering if he is as torn and troubled about this decision as you are.

I have not had kids, I am 47 and am very happy. I do have a partner, a boyfriend, who loves me dearly. I feel I have all that I need and want in order to be happy.

I would say that you need to decide just how important it is to you to have children. IF it is something that you feel you really really want in life and cannot do without, then it's time to separate. BUT, if it's more important to stay with your boyfriend, and if he matters much more to you, then perhaps you can let it go.

It's a tough one since you don't know how you're going to feel in the future right now if you choose not to have children and stay with your boyfriend. Will you resent him down the road? Will you feel like you sacrificed something very important to you and that it was a big mistake? Will you feel unfulfilled and empty in life without children?

Difficult to really know and predict how you will feel. But right now, you will need to decide which is more important to you: staying with him or having kids.

One thing to know is that you can always find another love in life.... plenty of men DO want children and commitment. Plenty of men want to be family men and find their future partner. Love is always possible. But once you make the decision to not have children and after you pass a certain age, you cannot turn back the clock. It's a forever decision.

Also, I agree with another poster who said you shouldn't have children just to fill the loneliness gap. Children take a LOT of work and require some self sacrifice. Their needs come first... they take up all your time and energy. You need to really think about your motives for wanting children. There are definitely other means for fulfilling loneliness.

I wish you all the best in your decision making. It's a big one, so take your time.

It seems that he is giving it a lot of thought too (understandably). I am concerned that since he is considering break up, Olive might be trying to alter her life plans in order to keep this man.

You said exactly what I was thinking. I don't want kids. I have known that since I was a teenager. I was always honest about this in relationships. An ex said he was okay with not having kids, said the most important thing was to be with me. He had secretly assumed that my biological clock would kick in and I'd change my mind. When he started to realize it wasn't going to happen, things came to a head and we broke up.

If you decide to stay with him, you have to realize that by doing so you are accepting no kids and you shouldn't hold resentments about it. That is hard to do. So, really think seriously if you can do this.

It sounds like you really don't have much experience with kids and may not have a realistic view of what it involves. In my case I am the oldest of 3 and did a lot of care for my sibling and cousins. I also babysit quite a bit. So, I definitely saw beyond the Kodak moments and decided I didn't have the patience or personality for it.

Also, kids are expensive. Are you even in a financial position to have them in the near future? A lot of people naïvely just think things will work out, but you really need to think about how you can afford to give a child a decent life if you decide to have one.

I think it is impossible to make him want kids, if he doesn't want to. As I saw in one of the posts, he wants to break up with you because of this issue? That means that not having kids is a priority to him, not your relationship. That seems somekind of egoistic from his part. If you really want to have kids, I don't think you should compromise, cause you will regreat it in the future.

I think it might be already unbalanced relationship. He is not willing to compromise his life plans in order to keep you. But you are willing to compromise yours so you can keep him. It might not be a good start of a relationship already.

divine1966 - from the way I see it this isn't really a case where either should have to compromise. This is a fundamental incombatibility. You can't have half a kid, which is why I think this is quite simply one of those relationship dealbreakers.

frustlandlady - egotistical, really? Because he knows what kind of life he wants? Most people I know that don't want children (including mysef) have given the issue a lot of serious thought. No one should have a kid if they don't want to. That is a recipe for disaster. There are enough unwanted children in this world already, unfortunately.

At least he has honestly told her where he stands on the issue so she can make up her mind. With my ex I was always clear that I didn't want children, but he was dishonest to me about where he stood for years.

I agree that it’s not something to compromise on. Yes it is one of those deal breakers.

That’s why it’s concerning that OP is reconsidering having children because he is a “true” love and they “always” love each other etc

Thanks for your reply. I think it would be helpful to spend an extended period of time with kids since I haven’t don’t that much. I know it’s not the same as your own kid but it could help. I don’t have any children in my life that I could do this with but I could take up babysitting.

This is more complex of an issue and just because I have a strong pull to have kids does not mean that I should (even outside of my relationship).

It would have helped to know this when we first got together but at that point I was so young I didn’t even know it was something I wanted.

I do want kids but I think I would be happy without them. I also think I would feel a void to some extent. It’s not like I wouldn’t feel a void without him in my life. I imagine dealing with some regret either way- regretting losing a person I love and regretting not being a mother. It feels like I loose no matter what I do.

I have never been someone who always wanted kids or who dreamed of them for years. When I pictured my life I pictured so many other kids other than kids- a career, friends, travel, my current family, adventure, and kids were more of background noise. Now that I’m faced with never having them I’m reaizing I want them but I think it’s important to recognize that I won’t do it unless the circumstances are right and right now they are nowhere near close to being right (financially, stability wise, not just my relationship).

I agree. This is honestly one reason to have kids. To feel that family untit, to love something greater that myself and feel purpose. Maybe those are wrong reasons and I need to feel fulfilled in other ways first. I know that I need to find greater inner happiness and sense of self first.

Yes he has. We have talked about this repeatedly over the span of a year. He has babysat and worked with kids, talked through compromises and middle grounds, reasons why he doesn’t want kids and talked adoption and fostering and at the end of the day he just doesn’t want them. You can’t force that on someone.

Honestly, I would consider leaving him and finding a man who has the same wants via the kid department. Not wanting to have kids is a huge deal breaker IMHO.

Imo, there is nothing "wrong" with wanting kids for those reasons. A wrong reason would be to have kids just to have someone to take care of you when you're older, like a good friend of mine said to me once. That is the wrong reason.

But to want a greater purpose in life & something bigger than yourself, isn't that why most people have children? To love beyond themselves? To take care of another, and to help that child to grow and learn? To feel like their lives are more complete? I feel complete without children myself, but some people feel incomplete because they really DO want that family unit and to give of themselves in a special way that only children can provide.