What do I do when boyfriend and I can't agree on having kids.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to assume that there is a job out there we will always love. I never want to work a job that I hate but I can’t imagine always loving what I do.

I am searching for something I love. I realized I don’t want this career I’m in just a few months ago. I can’t exactly jump ship if I don’t even know which ship I’m jumping into. Over the last few months I’ve explored careers, masters programs, trade schools, jobs. My next step is some informational interviewing and job shadowing. I have put the breaks on this in the last few weeks due to the status of my relationship and serious talk of breaking up and moving back home.

I know that being an immigrant doesn’t mean not having an awesome job. I made that comment in response to what Rose said about the younger generation thinking life is wonderful and all our dreams come true and then real life rears it’s ugly head. I thought maybe I didn’t relate to that because I didn’t grow up with this notion of “follow your passion” because I am an immigrant and in my culture work is work and not “supposed to be” something you enjoy. If it is then great. Of course I’m somewhere in the middle with a healthy dose of “you won’t love every part of your job or every job or every day” but i at least hope to like it more often than not.

My life would be my career, my family, my friends, travel, and a relationship.

There might be a career that you will always love.

If you choose a career that you love then yes it’s very reasonable.

I love my job and always have, so does my husband, my daughter, one of my stepdaughters (the other one is still unsure), both my nephews, my nephew’s wife, my brother, several of not all my friends, my cousins, my father who still works, my mother before she retired etc etc We are all in different fields but we love our careers. Examples of careers we love not in order for anonymity reasons: teacher, nurse, engineer, executive chef, firefighter, lawyer, police detective, business owner, software developer, graphic artist etc Actually my hair dresser loves her job too.

Your issue of not loving your job might be due not having or wanting a profession. So the trick is to have a profession/career, not just a job.

It’s very sad you think it’s unreasonable to have a job you always love. I never did not love my job

I don’t know where you immigrated from but I myself am an immigrant and know ton of other immigrants from all over the world, most certainly many of us pursued career of our dreams, didn’t just work. People have careers all over the world. But maybe where you are from people just work, so that’s besides the point. You are now live in the US. Not pursuing your dreams is very sad.

Not every dream will come true but you can still achieve many of them if not all.

Olive, you are trying to sit and look at a lot of things in your life right now and you are trying to think about your own happiness and quality of life for your future. What is concerning about what you have shared is how you believe that you can't be happy in any career, also that you have individuals in your life that have very definite ideas about what they want and how they need you to fall in line with their agendas and that includes how your job has a lot of demands on you where you work a lot of hours and you don't get paid adequately for all the time and effort demanded of you.

Up until this point in your life you have been "learning" and a part of that learning includes learning how to "manage" a lot of different things. You learned how to manage your studies, manage your time when it came to your education and managing your study time while you learned different subjects in school and in college. Even with your current job that you have to work a lot of hours doing, you have learned how to manage that even though you dislike it and feel you are underpaid. Even in this relationship, you have been learning how to manage that as well. Also, you have managed "change" too, you learned how to adjust to the change from high school to college, the change from living at home to living away from home, from living with your parents to living with someone new that is culturally different than what your family environment had been. There is a "value" in all of this history for you. You have been able to "adapt" as a human being. However, one thing you need to think about managing is your thinking that you can't be happy in a career or that you will need to sacrifice your own happiness to thrive.

The human brain really does take time to "mature" and one of the things that "gradually" matures over time is the frontal cortex where as one "learns" and experiences life, that person gradually gains more control when it comes to reasoning verses that part not being developed enough to screen out the emotional part of the brain called the amygdala. Of course when you began this relationship you sat with your partner and shared "dreams of" things you could experience together in the future. It's not at all surprising that in these four years while both of you experienced more life and learned more that you are at a stage where your frontal cortex is more developed where you are thinking about things on a different level.

It's not surprising that you can't really say or conclude what you will want on different things or how you will "feel" about decisions you make "now" in three or four years from now. It's not surprising you don't really "know" how you will feel down the road and that you have stress about making decisions "now", major decisions. Your partner is at a point in his life where he too has matured and learned and he has been thinking about the life path he will be more comfortable with and he has decided that he doesn't want to have a family and children. Well, you genuinely can't really say how you "feel" about making that kind of decision for yourself, it's ok if you really don't know or are not ready to make that choice. Truth is you are really not at a place in your own development to make a "life" choice like that. Yes, you have learned to manage a lot of things, you have matured a lot, yet, you have not yet managed a change where you can feel happier in your job and overall life "yet". Also, you happen to have strong minded individuals in your life that are trying to manage "your" life. Well, you need to learn how to manage that too and find your way forward for yourself and your own happiness more. It's OK to spend more time managing your own life path and making changes. You can do that and you can manage, but you need more time and experiences before you can truly commit to any long term life choice. The fact that you don't know how you feel about things means you are not "ready" to know that "yet".

Thanks divine, twenty four is still very young yet and it's really not unusual to not know what one really wants yet. And when it comes to working, it's also not unusual to find out that you don't like your job either. It's really not being fair to self to look at a job or career as something you can't enjoy doing either. People can and do find careers they really enjoy and it's really not a bad thing to continue learning and thinking about a career change until you find something you actually enjoy doing. Also, every job a person does is a learning experience and it's actually amazing what you can learn that can be helpful towards doing something else you want to end up doing. The same is true for relationships, you may not end up with the person you engaged in a relationship with for a year or a few years, especially when one is so young, however you can apply things you have learned to a relationship that may be a better match, in this case a man who does want a family someday.

One thing I have noticed about individuals in their early twenties is they seem to think they should "know" what they want and stress if they are not really sure. Well, it's SO NORMAL to not be sure, it really is and my suggestion is to give yourself some time to explore before making a big life decision.

I can't say that I really love my job, but it pays the bills and allows me to have hobbies and do other things I enjoy more. I was also very indecisive (and probably still am). I think it's part of depression to be indecisive.

I have heard that perspective from many different people and I wonder if people just settle on a job they don't love instead of continuing to search until you do find something. Or maybe some find happiness in other ways, like you said hobbies. Do you believe you should try to find a different job since you don't love that one?

I have to agree with rose. You came on here to ask for different opinions yet you reject and argue about every suggestion as well as finding excuses. It seems like you came on here to get encouragement to stay with this man and other opinions just upset and anger you.

You seem to have lots of excuses for not accomplishing and not pursuing your dreams. First it’s because you don’t have any passions then because you are too upset over this man etc You also contradict yourself a lot.

You think of not having kids because you want a career, yet not only you don’t have any passions or dreams you also don’t think it’s even reasonable to love a job.

You don’t want kids because you want to travel yet it doesn’t sound you can afford traveling as you have low paid job and it doesn’t sound like you two travel much at all etc etc You seem very confused and it’s ok but I just don’t understand why it’s such a priority to have this man if you are so unsettled in other areas of your life.

You aren’t pursuing your dreams because you are an immigrant, which is typically the other way around: finally being able to pursue your dreams if you could not before. You can’t pursue a career but you uproot yourself and pursued a man. So many confusions and contradictions in your life yet you want to decide now to marry this man?

Why is having him is so important at 24? You said others marry young. Of course but many young people do know what they want (my nephews wife was 21 when they got married but she knows what she wants). You don’t know what you want and your life isn’t settled. Marrying this man isn’t going to magically fix everything.

Work on your life. Sure date him or others but why this rush to marry?

Olive, for 21 pages, members have offered alternative ways of looking at your situation. Some of this may be insights that apply and some may not. You take offense pretty readily and want to argue point after point. Your mom and sis "only want what's best" for you. Your boyfriend "only wants what's best" for you. You seem to not be open to hearing that even people who love you are human and have mixed motivation that includes their own self-interest. Those other people manage to figure out what they want, while you remain stuck. We only know what you share, and you are very inconsistent. Getting annoyed with what is offered here is just another way of staying stuck. Being 24 is not like being 14. Take all the time in the world to explore and be true to yourself. Do nothing you're not ready to do. No one says you should do otherwise. But life moves on and this guy you are with seems pretty effective at figuring out what he wants and going after it. Your tendency to want to accommodate the wants and needs of others seems to displace you working on an agenda of your own. You idealize and romanticise. And you stay stuck.

If only you could know now what the future would be like if you chose this or that option. Everybody would love to be able to do that. The Kentucky Derby is coming up first Saturday in May. I wish I could know which horse is going to run the fastest. You seem to already know what you want to hear in this thread. "Have other people remained childless and been happy?" Sure, other people have . . . . which really has nothing to do with you.

I think everyone posting here - including me - has made an earnest attempt to suggest ideas different from your own as food for thought. And we differ from each other. And you are free to ignore what you find no value in. But the debating you do seems to be just another way of staying stuck.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I want kids, he doesn't.

We have talked about our future in depth. At first I was barley an adult and didn't know what I wanted. But as our relationship has progressed and I am growing up I realized that YES I do want kids.

He has never been keen on the idea. At first he said he didn't want them because of health issues he didn't want to pass down. Then we agreed to adopt or just have 1 kid. He has gone back and forth since and now he said that he 100% does not and will not want kids.

We are at the point where either I agree to give up on my idea of being a mother, or we part ways.

I know that he is the love of my life and I do not want to be with anyone else. I can't imagine a life without him in it. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I do not love easily and may not find anyone I want kids with. I know that he will always have part of my heart so it seems unfair to be with someone else.

However, I try to imagine a childless life and it just feels a bit empty. He said that he knows I will feel sad and regretful of not having kids- I agree. But I will feel sad and regretful if we broke up.

I know we can have a nice life together but I am very prone to loneliness and I like the idea of filling my life with family.


Has anyone been through this who has any words of wisdom for me?

Has anyone had kids and regretted it or not had kids and regretted it? Or not had kids and lived a very fulfilled life?

Yes, that is so true, every job is a learning experience and helpful towards something else you want to do. If anything knowing that you don't like it is helpful enough. For example, when I first started my job it was exactly what I was looking for. I desired a job doing exactly what I am doing for a while but when I actually got to do it myself I realized how much I dislike it. It didn't take long to realize this either. Even in my job there are parts that I do like doing and that is where the value comes in. I have learned a lot of new things in my role. I also know I could use these skills and apply them to another job I may be better suited for. It is a long process and sometimes frustrating when you don't know what you want. Thank you for reassuring me that it is normal to not be sure. I always feel that stress and pressure of not knowing because I want to be working towards something.

I know you may love him but if you truly deeply want kids I don't think you should settle for less than you deserve. One day you will carry a resentment whether you mean to or not because there will likely be a void inside of you that no one can fill when you want a child so deeply. It's not easy coming from a single mom of 3 who's kids fight all the time but that's what they do. It's the hardest job in the world. But I would never go back & My life would b empty without them. If u have a therapist I'd see if they can help u figure out and work out if kids are a dream you are willing to give up. As women who suffer with esteem issues & wrap their lives around & based on their men sometimes we put them first not realizing we lose our own identities. You deserve your dreams. I'm not doubting your love. But I thought I loved my ex husband more than anything diff situation (he was abusive) but when I left finally I realized it was cuz I built my identity around him & cuz of my esteem issues as well. You so deserve to have everything you want & I think it's selfish & cold that he'd just pull the rug out from under u after agreeing to 1 kid or adoption. He's a DREAMCRUSHER & seems to like control. No disrespect in anyway.