Parasocial Relationships as Coping Mechanism

Hi all,

This is my first time posting. I hope this is the right section.

Without going into a ton of detail, I have a long history of trauma and abuse. I was badly abused as a child by both sides of my family. When I was 10, I was so unhappy i started developing parasocial relationships with celebrities i liked. The themes usually involved me being rich and famous and married or dating these people. The fantasy would end once I found out the person was married.

I am now in my early 30s. This summer, I spent about 2 months crushing on/having a parasocial relationship with an actor. In late September, I found an old article from 11 years ago that mentions he had a girlfriend. I was so depressed at this time, I started crying. I know it's stupid to cry over it. My logical side and my emotional side did battle: "you're being stupid, this was 11 years ago, he can date who he wants, he doesn't know you exist".

I talked to my therapist and a friend about this. they were both helpful. The thing is, even though I thought I was over it/had worked through it, I spent today sleuthing online and trying to find out if they are still together. I know this is crazy and not my business. I saw something on Instagram where they were at the same event, and it bothers me that I don't know if they are still together. I think my brain wants to kill the crush completely, and that will happen if I can know they are dating.

How do I stop obsessing over this? How do I stop using parasocial relationships as a coping mechanism? I think I am also disappointed in how I am behaving because I have been in therapy for more than a year and I thought I was improving.

Hi. Welcome to PC.

I am not a psychologist but my most educated guess is that it's easier and safer emotionally to get involved from a distance with people who are a fantasy rather than a reality. People in real life have hurt you very very badly, so it must be extremely hard to trust others and get involved emotionally with others because they can hurt you.

An obsession with a celebrity is all fantasy, and therefore, cannot truly hurt or destroy you, even if you cried when you found out he was involved with someone.

The key is to get yourself to understand why you are obsessing over a celebrity crush, in order to move past it. Even if he was available and single, is it realistic to believe you two would get together? That's most likely never going to happen. But is is safe. The other key is to realize and know that not all people are abusive in the world. There are people that you can trust, that you can open up to, that you can make yourself vulnerable to who won't destroy you mentally or emotionally. But it takes time to develop trust in people again.... keep working with your therapist on this. I am curious how helpful they really are though. What does he/she say about this?

Hello KD: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, you may want to check out would be survivors of abuse forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-of-abuse/

You may also want to introduce yourself over on the new members introductions forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

And then here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that offer suggestions for how to stop obsessing. Also included is an "Ask The Therapist" column where the therapist replies to a letter sent in by a person who was obsessed with a celebrity & finally an article on dealing with the fear of relapse:

7 Ways to Stop Obsessing

9 Ways to Stop Obsessing

Some Ideas to Help Stop Obsessing

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways...tuck-thoughts/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...sive-thoughts/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-the...ity-obsession/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-fe...gnitive-tools/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you so much for your reply! I agree with this being a fantasy because it is safer and easier, and I agree that even if he were single, there would be no chance of us dating. I developed an interest in him because I was so depressed in July and I needed an outlet. My therapist said it makes sense that I would cry because the feelings were real, and that it would be better to make real connections with real people. She thinks this is partly stemming from loneliness too.

I guess I am disappointed in myself because I thought I was over this or that I no longer needed this coping mechanism. I've been in therapy for a year and a half, and I thought my emotional side was more stable. I'm upset because I think this indicates I am not as emotionally mature as I want to be, and I'm ashamed that I'm investing so much energy in being nosy about stranger's lives. That interview which mentions his gf was in 2007, but they have worked together four years after that, and in other things, so I was trying to find out if they were still together in between that time, were they together after, etc.

I'm trying to figure out why this is on my mind. I think it's partly because I want the crush killed, and partly because I am envious that other people have great, loving relationships and I don't.

Since this has been a coping mechanism for so long, I have used it as a motivator to pull me through life. When I was in an abusive relationship in my 20s, I developed a crush on an Irish actor. I started developing a fantasy that I'd go to grad school in Ireland and work on filmmaking there (I have aspirations to be a screenwriter), and this was all concocted so I could meet him. I even started looking at grad school options as a possibility.

I think one of the reasons I do this is because I am not a great self motivator. I always need something external to motivate me.

Welcome to PC. Thank you for your post, I found it most interesting, and I now realize that I did some of this. I also come from a background of abuse. A couple of things I have learned along the way. While it is good to give therapy some time; you can tell the therapist if you think you need more or different assistance with a particular issue. Therapists vary in their approach and areas of expertise. Another thing that comes to mind: it seems to me that as human beings, we have strengths and weaknesses; and that at various times of life (with different stressors) we see these either recede or come to the fore. For example, depression is my fall-back position when I am stressed (and there are various stressors for me: from extremes of weather to pressures of work; holidays (big right now)), etc. Do you have your own romantic relationship in real life? Do you want one?

That leads me to the other thing I have learned. The more invested I am in real life, with immediate things -- meeting friends for lunch, doing volunteer work in my community, getting involved in work, etc., the less important social media and public figures are to me.

You might also consider taking what you admire/like/desire from what you see in public, social media and gathering it to yourself. For example; examine what it is about this man you admire and then find a homegrown version in real life.

I personally do not think a little fantasy and imagination is a bad thing; nor do I think interacting social-media wise with performers and others who put themselves out there for the interaction is a bad thing. But balance is a good thing, and real life is the best thing, imho. Please don't 'beat yourself up' over this; learn what you can from it and enjoy your real life.

Thank you so much! This is very helpful and I'm so glad you understand what I am going through. I think in some ways, I envy these people because they have people to love and no trauma to hold them back. I think I look at them and I wish I could have that. I wish I had a stable upbringing so if I wanted to go into acting i could have that option. I feel like my family, my former partner, and many others ruined my life.

I am going to spend at least 5 months not googling this actor. I will try to think about him less. This will be hard. I think you're right: if I focus more on my own life i will think less about the lives of strangers. Thank you so much!

The thing that is comforting me right now is that I know I will eventually stop caring about this. It has happened in the past. So that is comforting but I really need a better coping mechanism.

I agree with your therapist. Best to just put this obsession aside. When you feel yourself obsessing, stop, and do something different or distract yourself. In real life relationships are far better. Work with your therapist on how to make these changes.

Yesterday I found a solution that worked for me!

I have been trying logical approaches to this problem for quite some time. They didn't work. I thought to myself : "maybe an emotional solution would work for an emotional problem" ?

I poured compassion and kindness onto it. I said to myself: "isn't it wonderful that they have such a great bond of love and trust to be in each other's lives for 18 years? So few people get that in life!"

This worked! I immediately stopped caring about it and my obsession is at peace.

That's great that you were able to stop obsessing!

I'm wondering though if you have anyone in real life. I am not necessarily thinking of a romantic relationship, but it is important to have people in our lives (friends, family, etc.) If your family was abusive, it can help to find friends and build a new family of people who care for you.

I posted a very similar thread to this today in the coping with emotions. The OP was nice enough to direct me here. I am a 40+ year old recently obsessed with a 21 year old celebrity. This is not like me at all. If I were to get any crush or anything typically it would be on a character. Not the actor. So this is unusual.

But even in my analyzing the situation I realize it is in fact because I am at the moment largely without anyone. I do have a sister but over thanksgiving was just so horrible. She is so horrible. I don't really have a lot of friends at the moment and I do have a job that has actually brought me into occasional contact somewhat removed contact with celebrities so it is fun to daydream a little.

I kind of think I should just completely indulge it until I am sick of it. Using it like a coping mechanism.

I guess I don't know if I should feel concern at the change in me getting obsessed on an actor which has never ever been my thing but, at the same time I definitely think that it has to do with the not having anyone. Or at the base of it that I am surrounded by grumpy, joyless, lacking inspiration, negative and old (in the sense they are always complaining about their body) people. And I just *need* the joyous, happy, open, inspirational, energetic and positive people and that is tough in reality due to age differences - while online is easy.