Have I finally had enough?

Wow, it's been a year since I've visited the forum, and I'm asking myself why it took me so long...
After yet another one of the hardest years of my life, I think I've finally given up on my marriage. For those who were here last time, my hubby had a "cyber/telephone affair" a year and a half ago, and I chose to stay although the trust in our relationship had been blown to pieces. I also visited about six months later with questions on how to approach his depression, which I believe is based on abuse he suffered as a child, has suppressed, and will not admit too. Well, instead of everything bringing us closer, or us finding the friendship we had at the beginning of the relationship six years ago, he shut me out even further.
"Mike" was going for counselling for a while after he cheated, but stopped when I started seeing a therapist in April this year (we lost a baby, our third miscarriage in a year of trying, and I needed to find myself again). He has exhibited some pretty bad behavior (wanting to go golfing the day after we found out about the last fetal demise), drinking excessively while away on business trips (which he said he was going to stop doing), he started smoking again after being tabacco free for a year, lashing out at me, playing xbox for hours on end, and worst off, not talking to me about ANYTHING (although I have tried everything possible to get him to open up). Tonight however made me realize I give up.
Money has been very tight this year, and I know it's a great part of his frustration. Today I went out and spent money on groceries for the family, nothing extravagant, but the fridge and cupboards were pretty empty, and we need to eat (our sons are 4 & 2, and I'm 12 weeks pregnant with the third)! When I got home, he freaked out at me for spending the money. He made me feel so bad, I started to cry. Then he started raising his voice, so IO told him to get out of my house. He told me to get out, so I grabbed my keys, and headed for the truck. He was screaming at me to leave my bank card the whole time (was he scared I was going to buy more groceries?!), and jumped in the passenger seat so I couldn't leave. I got out of the truck, ran in the house, and locked the door. He busted it in! I told him I was calling 911, which I did but hung up, and told him to get out again. He was screaming, and swearing, and asking why I was pushing his buttons. I told him that was it, I wanted him to leave for good, so he put his fist through the bathroom door!
I come from an abused Mom, who unfortunately carried it on with my older sister when we were young, until she snapped out of it. One of my sister's boyfriends when we were teenagers knocked me around enough to send me to the hospital when we were teenagers. I WILL NOT TOLERATE VIOLENCE IN MY LIFE OR AROUND MY BOYS!
I have tried to be there for my husband, I have encouraged, even begged him to get help, I have been patient and forgiving,but after four and a half roller coaster years, I've had enough. I told him I'm done trying to help him, he's on his own, and after the holidays, I will make arrangements to seperate our lives. I can't keep doing this.
I know he is going through alot, financial pressure, job stress etc., and he told me over the last couple of days he felt like he was having a breakdown, but am I expected to put myself through more emotional stress during this pregnancy? I love him, but he needs to find his own strength. I have stuck by him through so much, but I think that's why he's never gotten to the root of his issues. As long as I stay, I don't think he will ever find his way, he leans on me and I carry him. I don't want him to be a better person for me, I want him to be a better person for himself, and our sons.

I'm worried about your safety. Are you still living with him? Can you take your sons and go someplace safe?

Your story was hard to read--so painful and he was so abusive. What really struck me was that as you were trying to leave him (his wife effing trying to leave him!!!!), his only concern was to make sure you didn't take a bank card with you. To me, that is so horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a way to be safe. Please see a lawyer, and be safe--don't hesitate again to call 911 if he gets violent and tries to attack you, your sons, or your house or belongings. Also, 911 keeps records of all calls, and that documentation may help you in the future.

Best of luck.

Thanks Sunrise, but I have no doubt that he would never harm me, he's never been violent once in six years until now, and I know how he feels about violence toward women. What I do worry about is the example he's setting for our sons, and for what may happen with them in the future. What if one of the boys decides to tell Dad to "f-off" when they're teenagers, and it just so happens that Dad is having one of his "meltdowns"? If he EVER raised a hand to my boys, I don't care if they are 6, 16, 26 or 66, I would probably kill him with my bare hands! Really, all I want is for him to get HELP, and to deal with his issues and his past. I want him to be a mentally healthy person. Right now, he's not, and I think as long as I'm his crutch, and his scapegoat, nothing will change.

It is a "good" sign that he's putting his fists through doors/walls instead of on you but I agree it's a bit too much to take. He has to learn self-control and it doesn't sound like he'll do it with you there if he thinks you are pushing his buttons. Make sure you see a lawyer so you move out/kick him out "correctly" so there won't be problems later.

Did you all ever try joint/marriage counselling?

Hi Perna. We have talked about marriage counselling for a few years now, but we really have no support system here (our families are both 2000 miles away), and thus no one to watch the kids. I did however suggest online counselling, met with a luke warm response. I think for him, it's just always been easier to make me the scapegoat so he doesn't have to look closely at his own behaviors and reasons for his actions. I really don't know if marriage counselling would help at this point however, I think he needs to deal with his issues before I would even consider it.
He is begging me to stay, but I think it's finally time for "tough love". If I don't go, the cycle will just continue, with me being the fixer, and him relying on my strength. He's called a counsellor, and says he needs to fix his issues, but says he can't do it without me. I told him this time he has to, he has to find his own strength. He seems so afraid, I just know there is so much pain at his core, but I can't keep being his "whipping boy".

Wounded,
I am in a similar situation, except that my husband hasn't punch any wholes in the wall, yet. I am just so tired of the anger. Even when he is in a relatively good mood its F this, F that, and endless put downs and idle threats to the kids. I just have had it but I can't seem to make the ultimate move to separate. I admire you for putting your foot down and refusing to take it anymore.

It's not like they have to solve their problems overnight either, if they would just try you all would be encouraged. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

{{{wounded}}} {{{mckell}}}

Hi to you both Perna and mckell. First let me say, mckell, I am concerned that you would stay considering the level of your husbands verbal abuse. My husband has never yelled at our kids, never mind swearing at them. Just the fact that he was screaming, and swore at me when they were here is enough for me to say enough. I will not have that behavior as an example for my kids. You should think about the damage he is doing to them, not just you.
Perna, you are so right, my husband trying to seek help is encouraging, but this isn't the first time. He goes to counseling and either tells the therapist trivial things, or lies. He is the type to pretend everything is OK, and thinks that if he ignores things they will just go away. He has this "image" of himself that he's created, and for anyone to think his life is less than perfect is not an option.
I love him very much, and know he is a decent person, just VERY damaged. It's hard for me not to reach out to him yet again, but I keep telling myself, this time you have to let him reach for you. I don't want him to beg me to stay out of desperation, I want him to ask me to be his friend. I want him to open up, and for the first time in his life, be totally honest with someone. I want him to find himself, not wait for me to figure it out for him. Does this make any sense?

I know how you feel. I'm in a similar situation as far as the verbal abuse goes, but I'm better off in that we're not married and there are no kids to consider. A reasonable-thinking person would walk out the door and never look back, but when love is involved, it's not a simple solution.

It's clear you still love him and want him to get help. He MUST get help. There is no alternative. You make the call. Get a recommendation on a good psychiatrist TODAY (or tomorrow since it's Sunday), make the call and tell them of the urgency of the situation and make the appointment. Tell him you will take him to the appointment. If he refuses to go tell him you have no other choice but to take your kids and find other quarters. There are shelters that house women and children of abusive spouses. While he hasn't physically hurt you YET and you believe he never would, the threat is still there when emotions get out of control. There are countless incidents where spouses are killed in the heat of an argument and the person doing the killing didn't "mean to" do it.

Be firm about it. Be firm and loving. Tell him you love him and want to stay with him, but you won't unless he gets help...and not just "someday" but RIGHT NOW.