Unhappy Marriage?

I always say my husband is my one and only friend but lately I have been feeling confused and unhappy. I have been wondering if marrying him was a mistake, even though I do love him.

Is it normal after 10 years for couples to spend most of their time in separate parts of the house or off doing their own thing? I tried to spend time with him this evening and we got into a big argument - over nothing.This is why I stay away from him a lot, otherwise we argue. He says it’s my own choice to stay away and has nothing to do with him.

I am always worried about making my own friends because I pretty much have no family and also because hubby doesn’t ever want to do anything and he doesn’t want to have any friends. I get lonely and sometimes I get bored. Hubby is often in a bad mood and I think he’s depressed. We haven’t taken a vacation in 7 years and that was a disaster because he didn’t want to go. I gave up on vacations or socializing because he will be in such a bad mood that the whole ordeal is miserable. We argued about all this for years and I finally gave up.

I find myself rationalizing everything... I tell everybody that I love the independence of doing my own thing... I am sure I have said it here on PC even. Yes, I have expressed all of this to my husband and he will just argue and debate over it all with me. He will tell me I am being negative and looking for problems where there aren’t problems. He has no idea how unhappy I am, even though I try to express it. And I think most of the time I am just in denial about it all until I get fed up... at which point we usually argue again.

He buys me nice gifts and cards and always remembers special occasions. He has never cheated on me. He listens to me talk about any problems when I come to him for advice. He helps me any time I ask for help. But he is grouchy and difficult to be around so I just stay alone in my bedroom a lot or I leave the house. He prefers to be alone most of the time. I can’t even stand to be in the car with him because he has horrible road rage so we don’t go anywhere together very often.

It feels like I am forced to live a lonely life according to his standards. We rarely have any fun - he doesn’t want to spend money or he hates to be around people. He says I am the controlling one and he refuses to see that he is just as controlling as he says I am. I have scheduled an appt for myself with a counsleor next week and I keep wondering... why am I so unhappy and is the problem my marriage or am I the problem and I just can’t get along with anybody. I am questioning everything at this point... myself, my marriage, my judgement and just about every decision I have ever made.

Yes hubby and I have gone to marriage counseling. We went for over a year early in our marriage and it did help a lot. We went again last year and I just gave up and didn’t want to schedule any more appointments. The counselor kept suggesting things for hubby and I to go do together and just wasn’t getting it that hubby wants to be at home, alone and doesn’t want to be around anybody. I didn’t see the point of trying to force him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do. I tried it for years. In all honesty, he doesn’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do so I have been trying to accept and make the best of things.

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I have experienced many of these thoughts and symptoms. I am not saying you are exactly like me but I have come to realize that a lot of these thoughts are driven by anxiety. Occassionaly my husband has also told me I am being negative--and he is right. Though my negativity comes and goes.

It is a balancing act--on the one hand, when we are unhappy about something our husband does, we need to not be afraid to express it to them. When I hold things in, it just magnifies the feeling. However, we also have to accept that we can't change our husbands and that we also do things (like complaining about the same old things) that make them unhappy. I do think that finding things you enjoy by yourself is important but so is finding things you like doing together. Have you thought about taking a vacation on your own? I will be visiting my sister this summer and am going to take my daughter with me. We (my daughter and I) have talked about some road trips we want to take together out there. In the past, I feel like I should only go for one week (because my husband said he didn't want me gone that long/missed me) but this year, I am going to go two weeks because I want to. Sometimes we hold ourselves back when we really don't have to.

My husband and I walk together everyday (4.5 miles). This has been really good for our marriage and health. Perhaps I am being just like your counselor when I say this. Sometimes I think PC is just as good as going to a counselor and it is free.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback. I have taken at least three trips on my own in the past several years. I do intend to take vacations without him if/when I do go anywhere. Right now he’s so focused on saving money that I haven’t planned anything in a while but I’m sure eventually I’ll take another vacation somewhere. I agree it’s a balancing act. I have gone back and forth between holding things in and letting it all out. Maybe going to a counselor will help me to address my anxiety and negativity. I hope so because I need to do something different.

Even if your husband debates with you about what you are unhappy about you should still speak your truth: " Yes I know you do not see it but regardless, I feel unhappy and I do not want to feel unhappy. My feelings deserve validation just as yours do."

I'm so sorry, Sisabel I understand how you feel. Was this a development that occured recently in your marriage or was it there from the beginning? Unfortunately some marriages can lose steam with time. I'm not sure if I'd suggest to leave. If you're constantly unhappy and miserable, I'd definitely say so! However from what you wrote it doesn't sound so easy. I'd say try to build your own life regardless of what your husband says, if you haven't already. Even if he doesn't want friends, can you try to make some friends and build your own circle of friends by yourself? Is that an option? After all, you've already tried all you could do to rebuild your marriage. But like you've said, you can't force him to change. He's the one that has to put the effort in it. You can only do so much to help. The final decision is up to him. Does he see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Especially since you think he may be depressed. Perhaps you could try to suggest that to him, if you haven't already. Do you think he may refuse? I'm so sorry, I know it's hard when the people who should be the closest to us aren't that supportive. Try to build your own life if you can. Even without him. If you feel like he's too controlling of your life, or you feel like you can't handle it anymore, I think you seriously need to reconsider your relationship with him. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Whathever you decide, remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

You are right. This is the advice I would give to anyone else. I have done this over the years and lately I have gotten fed up and given up. I should never give up on speaking up for my own feelings in a relationship though.

I have wanted to leave many times over the years. I used to fight with him to pay attention to me and spend time with me. Slowly I’ve kinda given up. Parts of our relationship are good and parts are very unhealthy. I can see my own contribution to both the good and the bad parts.

His doctor suggested he go to counseling months ago. He cancelled the appointment. He’s not willing to really see that he has issues just as much as anybody else does.

I have worked really hard on building my own life. That’s why I am always trying so hard to build good friendships. I go and do my own thing all the time. I do volunteer work and I’ve joined various social groups. I have my own job and my own money. If hubby left me today I could take care of myself. I just feel empty and sad inside.

I really appreciate that I can come to PC and talk and I hope to find a counselor who can help me see or do things differently in my life. Thank you so much for listening and your advice is very wise.

Sisabel, your husband sounds difficult for sure, but also supportive of you, so it seems you have a mixed bag. Yet you spend more time apart than together and he is too grouchy, moody and doesn't want to see people. It does sound like an unhappy marriage in my opinion, and I am soooo very sorry to hear this.

You could branch out even more and make your own friends, get out of the house even more than you do, but that will lead to even more separate lives. And yes, I think it's indicative of trouble in the marriage when two people generally spend more time apart than they do together, and on purpose.

I don't have the answers, but I feel for you. It's not an easy situation, and I do see the positive aspects that he gives you. He's just plain difficult!

Only you can decide what you can tolerate and how much you're willing to put up with. Life is short -- far too short -- to be unhappy for a prolonged period of time.

And it's not you -- these are real issues in the marriage that seem to stem mostly from him being the way he is.

He’s difficult for sure. He came home from work this evening and talked about it with me. I told him how unhappy I am. I told him everything I shared with you guys here. He listened and said he always wants me around and he knows he’s grumpy... he apologized for last night’s argument. I was surprised he was easy-going this evening and he did not want to debate the whole issue like he usually does.

He’s a very moody guy who likes to be a loner. I have a really hard time with it. But on the flip side of that he’s also very generous, loyal and kind and funny. It’s a mixed bag for sure. I’m not perfect either but he doesn’t seem to have a clue how much I try to work around his grumpiness.

I don’t know that anything will change. I do know that talking with you guys helped me stay focused on speaking up versus getting more emotional about it. Add this to the list of my many issues I need to see a counselor about... I feel kind of like a loser to say that but it’s true... there are many issues to discuss. I will end up bombarding the therapist when I see her next week.

I usually feel too embarrassed to bring up marital issues... ever... I never do it... I never bring them up to people IRL because in the past people have used stuff like this against me. So I end up holding all of this in and getting really sad about it. Thank you for letting me vent and for not being judgmental. I’m still worried about the whole situation but maybe things can get a bit better. I have no idea.

I don't think that spending time apart is necessarily the problem in a long-term marriage. I have two friends whose husbands are passionate about fishing and competitive golf. Their children are grown up and neither of them question their marriage on account of it. I have two other friends who regularly travel to different destinations from their husband - both volunteering abroad so low cost.

I think the problem is that you are angry and frustrated with him - and that he isn't responsive to you on the same emotional level, except by fighting. Also blurred boundaries on your side.

I wonder if he is someone who always needed his own space - yes actually needed that - or whether he is hiding his own needs and emotions in a corner because he's afraid of them. I do wonder whether he needs gentleness, and perhaps support from male peers, to sort himself out emotionally. I have a friend who is very different from your husband = hyper-social, but he is terrified of his deeper emotions, and does all sorts of dysfunctional stuff to avoid them. He is starting to know this behaviour won't be tolerated for ever.

Your h sounds withdrawn, and in need of some gentle external support and understanding. Seems like he did talk with his doctor, and his doctor saw this about him.

These are good points. He definitely wants his own space and just doesn’t enjoy being around other people anymore. He’s always been good to talk about his thoughts and feelings but over the past few years he’s just gotten more withdrawn. You are right. Perhaps I should consider being more compassionate rather than getting frustrated with him. That’s hard to do but definitely I can talk with him about it. Anger... grumpiness... could be a sign of depression. Maybe he would consider a therapist if I keep talking to him about it. I don’t know.

I agree. This is a difficult situation. I should know because mine is similar. My husband has two sides: he’s funny, chivalrous and supportive yet he can be negative, grouchy, cheap and obnoxious, at times. I am constantly asking myself, “ does the good eclipse the bad or vice versa?

I feel like I have done or said something that he has not expressed or forgiven me for. We’ve been married 18 yrs and it has taken a lot of patience, understanding and forgiveness to get to this point. However, it takes two people. My husband always states he likes having new experiences, going out, mingling with people. BUT he hates crowds, lines, traffic etc... To me, these things are a part of life. You have to be able to cope with daily issues. Furthermore, I feel if it’s something he enjoys, he’s more willing to withstand the nuisances for his hobbies. If it’s my hobby or interest, he tolerates it and his body language let’s you know he’s not happy.

I feel like our marriage is an old car and I’m the only one doing maintenance: he’s willing to ride because it’s free, but he won’t chip in to touch up the paint or get new spark plugs or whatever other metaphors you can think of.

It can be quite lonely. We, like the two of you, debate over things, insignificant at times, as well. I avoid being around him sometimes because my job is stressful enough. I don’t want to be stressed in both places - work and home. Then, he’ll say, you act like you don’t like me because you never want to be around me. But I ask, if when we’re around each other, we argue, how is that enjoyable?

I think as I always have, he doesntl like to take accountability. He’s always the one who has been hurt or offended and it’s always someone else’s fault.