Everyday life hasn't changed, and it makes me sad

After my husband's meltdown, I still fully intend to separate from him in the new year. For now, I sleep in the spare bedroom. However, it feels like nothing else has changed, except a lack of affection and sex. We still do family things. We discuss the kids, and dinner as though nothing has happened. We finally had a "talk" last night, with me pointing out some pretty harsh things to him. His lack of respect for women, his lack of respect for me, his repeated behavior patterns that have occured since he was a teenager. He didn't say much, but stayed up for a couple hours after I went to bed, I guess he was thinking. Today, I asked him what had changed, he said I had made him realize some things about himself. Later in the afternoon, he was talking about our future (moving into a bigger house etc.), and I had to tell him I wasn't optimistic about that happening. He said he was, because he because he was confident in his ability to "get his %#@&#! together".
I have heard it all before. I have seen it all before. He crossed a line with his violence, and after six years together, I deserve his respect. I love him very much, and truly hope he learns to love himself. Am I wrong in wanting to split up the family in hopes that finally losing something motivates him? Am I wrong in wanting peace for myself and my kids? He thinks seperating will only drive us further apart. But I can't keep living like nothing has changed. When I stop and think about everything, I break down and cry.

Aren't the conversations helping? It is often communication that is the biggest hurdle; I think that is why some men get "violent" is because they haven't learned to use words. If your husband is staying up thinking and is talking to you, I'd wait a bit and see where this leads?

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Today, I asked him what had changed, he said I had made him realize some things about himself.

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Change can be slow but if it is steady you all might get there! I wouldn't give up hope yet.

((Wounded))

I'm asking myself the same questions today. The question is-- Are our husband's asking themselves these same types of questions? With mine I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about anyone but himself?

I too had a heart-to-heart discussion with my husband last night. I didn’t go to the point of making an ultimatum but I did communicate in very clear terms that his behavior is intolerable and that it needs to be changed. Our discussion was filled with a lot of denial, blame, and discounting; but I stood firm and just kept repeating that what he does is abuse and that it cannot continue. I even had a follow up this morning with him before I left for work where I repeated that things have got to improve, that I did not think he could do it on his own, and I left a therapy business card on the table. I’m not sure what's going to happen next. I'm kind of afraid to go home.

For me, I’m starting to realize that my ability to adapt, endure, and tolerate is actually a weakness not a strength. I am trying hard to stand firm and defend myself and most importantly my kids. I hope I am doing the right thing.

Mckell, I can see we're very much alike! I don't think our ability to adapt, or change is a weakness, but our instinctual "fixing" of things is. our husbands really do need to find their own way, and all we can do is be here to support them.
My husband is very good at denial, mostly to himself. I think an admission of his behavior patterns to him means he's a failure as a person. I went through my own journey over ten years ago, and had to deal with my issues head on, so that I could learn to like, love and accept myself. It was painful as hell, but ultimately, I know I am mentally healthy and a much better person for it. I also know it's what my husband needs to do if he ever hopes to be a whole, truly happy person. I have learned in the last six years that I can't do it for him, and I think that's the hardest thing when you love someone - wanting to take away their pain, but knowing you can't.
"Mike" has said that he can't do this without me. I think tonight after the kids go to bed, it's about time to ask him what it is he needs. I have done most of the talking, now I think it's time to shut up and listen. I just pray he knows how to communicate what he's thinking.

P.S. Mckell - you are doing the right thing. Let him know you love him, but that you and the kids deserve to be treated better. I think I'm a little further along in the process with my husband, so if you need a shoulder, I'm here. So many here have helped me through my pain, if I can help anyone even a fraction as much, I would be happy too. Many hugs...

Thanks, I'm getting the silent treatment at the moment.

Better silence than angry words. Just (somehow) let him know you'll be there when he's ready to talk. Although, that offer has been on the table in my house for five years, and my husband has yet to take me up on it!

Dear Wounded. Wow, I understand why thinkng about your situation makes you cry. Leaving any relationship is difficult. If the partners in a relationship are not happy usually the children are not happy either. And I have never thought it was good for anyone to stay together because of the children If your separation drives you farther apart then that is probably meant to be. Also, if and when you leave I am sure you will soon realize what you want. Maybe it will prove to him that he needs to change, but needing to change, wanting to change and changing are all different! Obviously you are not happy and the move will definetly give you time to breathe and think without the added pressure of trying to act like all is well! My prayers are will you.

Things are coasting along as usual. I tried to start a conversation last night, but both the kids were sick, and it was one parent per child. I did however get to tell him how much his lack of trust hurt me, especially since he's the one who has continued to break my trust again and again over the years, but once again he said nothing. I don't think he's called the counsellor back like he was suppose to either. It's a hard month, we're strapped financially, have the little ones second birthday and Chrismas, and all of this is happening in the midst of it. So, I guess things will coast for a while, and I'l keep running to another room when I start to cry so the kids can't see me.

Wounded,
I just wanted to pass this reference on to you. I just started reading the following book. I'm only as far as chapter four but I'm finding it incredibly helpful.

You Don't Have to Take It Anymore by Steven Stosny

I hope everything is going OK for you!
Take care.

Hey mckell13,
Can I ever relate to your situation, lol.
Do you just see shadows and feel low or is there something
else thats nagging and you just don't know what to do.
Well things change and you don't need to knuckle under
to whatever it is because you are free to do your best and
that is all up to you. The rest of your problems may need
time to sort out and live the life you've been given.
DB

Thanks Mckell, I'll check it out ASAP!
Well, as if right on cue, life threw me a curve ball that means I won't be able to leave my husband after all. I am a Canadian citizen, and I won't bore you all with my immigration issues, but I have been waiting on the renewal of my resident status since February, and now I've been told, that I will have to wait until at least March to receive a new card. What this means, in short hand is, I CAN'T WORK! We've been scraping by since February, with me doing some freelance writing, and selling on ebay a bit, but if I wanted to separate my life from my husband's, I knew I would have to do what I was doing, and go back to work part time as well! I can't tell you how frustrating it is to be a "non-person"! I can't even renew my drivers license until I get that card! It means no travel (not that we can afford it!), and that I "belong" nowhere! Worst, I feel as though I am still dependent on him, and that was a huge part of me wanted to separate, to gain my independence back, and become my own person again. Honestly, after everything that's happened in the last two years, I keep thinking what a horrible penance I am paying for all the mistakes I must have made in my past life!!

wounded, I'm so sorry about this curve ball you've been thrown. Don't give up. March is not that far away. Can you tolerate your current situation until you get your card renewed? Separating/divorcing is really a long process. There is lots you can be doing as you weather through this period. See a lawyer, get your finances in order, become very aware of all family assets and debts, photocopy all records, etc. There is tons to do. Work out your best strategy with your lawyer. Then when you get your card, you will have an action plan in place and be ready to take the next step. It took me 17 months from the time I decided I wanted to split with my husband until I told him I wanted a divorce, and another 6 months from then until we separated, and that was 2 months ago, and we have still not even filed for divorce. There is a lot to do to disentangle your lives. I hope you can last safely where you are until you get your card. If it is not safe, make sure you have an "escape" plan. Take care.

Wounded,
I think Sunrise's comments are good ones. As long as you are not in any physical danger. (He was punching walls and stuff wasn't he???) Shift your focus on ways to convert this detour into something positive. Use the time to get your paperwork in order, taking back parts of yourself that he hijack and distorted, and build yourself up. You can start by not discounting your contributions to your home and to what both of you have. I'm sure there are a lot of things that you do that enable him to work and make money. You don't need him to recognize this.. recognize it yourself .. appreciate yourself!

What type of writing do you do? Do you have any other talents that you can utilize without being mobile?

Hi Mckell. I'm starting to think fate is trying to tell me something, and I am being forced to stay for a reason. Over the last couple of days, my hubby and I have been talking more, and even hugged and kissed a few times. He knows he has issues, and either he deals with them, or this marriage will have to over. I think he's finally stopped using me as the scapegoat, and realized that he needs to take responsibility for his actions.
Now, don't get me wrong, I won't be moving back into the bedroom anytime soon, but I am going to use the time that I am "stuck here" as a "wait and see". I am also going to do what I know I need to do, and regain my identity as an individual, not just as a wife and mother. I need to get out and make new friends, so I've joined a local Mommy's group. I have been writing in the greeting card industry, and the feedback I've received has been fabulous, so I think I may have stumbled on a new career I can do from home. I need to find my center again, but in the meantime, I will continue to offer my friendship and support to my husband.
His Mom is here visiting, and although I wasn't going to tell her what is going on, but broke down and told her everything today. She knows he has issues, but I think she knows that she helped create the problems, and is at a loss as to how to help. We both faced the fact today that we CAN'T help him, he has to help himself.
I miss him. I miss being close to him. But everytime we've had a marriage "crisis", I let him back into "my bed", and then it seemed as though he stopped working at things. I don't want the same patterns to continue, so I'm trying to stay "seperated". I am so confused, and scared, and tired. I just want peace of mind, and the man I married six years ago.

wounded1,

It's good to hear you are taking charge of your life and making changes. It's so important for you to grow as a person and complete yourself and be the individual that YOU want to be. You can control yourself, but you cannot control what others do or say. I think you are realizing that and stepping into the right direction.

I completely understand how scary this can be for you. The unknown is scary at times. I think once you find you start the ball rolling, it will become easier for you to take those steps towards self improvement, self healing if you will.

Wishing you well


sabby