Libido Mismatch

mf1438 wow, you're really in a no-win situation if your wife is unwilling to participate in a resolution with you.

So, if divorce is off the table, and getting sex from an escort is off the table, what does she expect you to do?

She's literally removed every possible solution from the table, which shows me she's not respecting your feelings or your needs at all, and put hers above your own. Not very nice of her.

Is she at least willing to use sex toys with you in the bedroom, to at least give you some stimulation? If she won't, perhaps you could try some toys. You can order them online to be delivered to your house directly.

No, she is not willing to use sex toys with me in the bedroom. She considers the whole thing my problem to solve on my own. She doesn't want to be bothered with sex. Out of sight out of mind.

Thanks for offering suggestions.

"But I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face" What does that mean? What you don't want to consider now, maybe be something you won't be willing to do without later. I'm talking about sex.

The question is how many years are you going to give it to get better?
Your time could be spent in a more meaningful environment, being happy with someone who is in tune with your needs.

Oh yea one more thing....D will be an option later when you've had enough. Like it or not.

Well, solve it for her then..... Sex is not one persons problem in a relationship. It's two. Get her into MC or prepare for a wonderful future.

^This is the best advice. Since your wife won't budge giving you sex, and you won't seek it outside the marriage, then the only way to get her to answer for her sex-gate is to invite a marriage counselor into your lives. Someone who will know your wife's clever verbal tricks and be able to talk through those, to force her to be honest with you. If that's not an option, then, I'd suggest Divorce, as the last alternative, as others have suggested.

I know you're 65 and have children and grandchildren. Clearly, sex is important to you but not your wife. So, the only way to solve this dilemma, is to get an expert involved who will help you two reach a compromise.

Therapy is not an option. It's not affordable. Plus, why start something when there is no motivation to change. I am the only one suffering.

Walk-in clinics? There's lots of those free therapy walk-in clinics in every city.

Nice suggestion, but I tried therapy before. It didn’t work.

I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation with your wife. It does sound like you've tried everything. If divorce is not an option at this point, I'm at a loss as to what other solutions you could try. I wish you the best of luck!

I'll go ahead and lay this out here, right now. I'm sure some are thinking about it already.
She's quite possibly having sex with someone else. Most likely. Happened to me.
You are going to have to wake her up. File for divorce. See what happens, or live in Hell for the rest of your life. Time to cowboy up!

She's not having sex with anyone else. She just doesn't like sex. And life with her is not Hell. It's actually a pleasant slice of heaven, sexless mind you, but still pleasant.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. Much appreciated!

You actually always had a libido mismatch in your marriage, as your wife never got sexual satisfaction due to a medical problem. Are you sure that is even true, or could that be what she told you was the reason when The true reason was possibly an intimacy issue?

It sounds to me like she’s put up with sex for your benefit all these years and she now feels like she just wants you to stop bothering her already.

What is the resistance to her touching you with her hands?

She’s got rough hands like sandpaper and she wants nothing to do with sex. Thanks for your advice just the same. I think I’ve got it figured out.

Ouch! Lol. I’m sorry you’ve both had a sub par intimacy.

I always hoped for a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship but I’ve had a rocky road too.

I hope you find peace in whatever you do moving forward.

Wow, I said those exact words before DDaY!!
I hope your right.........

It's the opposite in my relationship. I have a much higher sex drive than my husband (and he's almost 5 years younger than me!) He says it's nothing to do with me and thinks it's medical. But I've been hearing that for like 7 years now! If he REALLY thought it was medical and treatable why have the last 7 years had to be so hurtful and sexually unsatisfying for me? He's also been caught cheating in last year. If he had such an issue with libido due to medical reasons how tf was he able to go have sex with another woman? He gets angry when I express my hurt, feelings of rejection and attractiveness. He sees it as critical of him but can't seem to understand how his lack sexual desire with me feels critical of me.

I’ve gone through this whole thread before saying anything. It’s unbelievable.
I can ID with the OP totally. In all fairness though my wife does have serious health issues and no libido at all. She won’t go to counseling. And she just expects me to please myself. Well I don’t want to. I’m sick off jerking off. Plus I’m too old for that. I want physical connection. Someone said what I have always been thinking. Why can’t she just please me and get it over with ? It would take about 5 minutes. But she she won’t even touch me ! Like was said. She feels that it’s time for outgrow the need for sex . But it’s not just that. There’s no intimacy. She says she gets no pleasure out of sex no matter what I do. Like the OP said, she won’t even talk about it. Gets very defensive. At first I thought she might be having an affair but I don’t believe it. Who knows though, the trust has long been gone. This is our 3rd go around . She doesn’t seem to care if I go outside to get it. I’m sure there’s woman out there who would love the attention. There’s been a lot of good advice, but when you have someone who won’t budge an inch , well it’s just about impossible.

I feel for you, continuously blue. I'm in the same boat. My wife went from low libido to no libido! When you find the wellspring of other women out there, let me know. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Someone just recommended seekingarrangements.com but a $90 a month and being on a fixed income, I can't afford it. That's a lot just to be able to send and receive messages. You you have to list your disposable income too. It's depressing. I don't have much to offer. I'm a loving and caring person, but that's not enough. I haven't met a woman yet who wants a genuine friendship. They are all looking for compensation, for a sugar daddy and that's not me. Oh well, I always say, there's somebody for everybody and all I need is one understanding and caring woman. I like to dream and hope for the best. I hope you have better luck than me!

I hope things will get better soon for you one way or another, @mf1438! I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH WHAT ALL THE OTHER WISE AND WONDERFUL POSTERS HAVE ALREADY WISELY AND WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I EVER COULD! If things continue this way, you may want to REALLY consider Divorce as an option. I know you don't like it but it seems like she's not being respectful of your needs and desires and that's NOT FAIR AT ALL! So please, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and make your voice heard. You needs and desires are important too! Keep posting here if it helps. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as well and to hit me up as well if you need someone to talk to. I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! THAT'S A PROMISE! I AM SURE PLENTY OF OTHERS WILL ALSO GLADLY AND WONDERFULLY HELP YOU OUT AS WELL IF YOU JUST ASK, AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T BECAUSE IT IS FULL OF SO MANY AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, DEAR, GENEROUS, KIND, RESOURCEFUL, SWEET, KIND, WISE AND WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @mf1438, your Family, your Friends, your Children and Grandchildren, your Wife and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! PLEASE DO KEEP FIGHTING AND DO KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF AND ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!

In listening to different people when it comes to them sharing their different intimacy challenges, I have come to realize it's not so easy to "have it all" in a relationship.

Truth is, when it comes to intimacy, either husband or wife can experience some kind of ED issue. For some women, sex can actually be painful for them. And for some men, they can experience performance anxiety and may end up with some woman that is demanding and verbal that can make his challenge even worse.

Then there are couples that don't experience sexual intimacy, but, enjoy good companionship and just come to focus on that more. Often that is because sometimes that person experienced something bad sexually and they end up struggling with sexual intimacy because of it. One day I was talking to a woman that told me how both her and her husband experienced things that forever changed their ability to be comfortable sexually. She ended up saying how they love each other and can cuddle with each other without having to feel they are presured to having that cuddling mean something else has to happen too. A hug and cuddling doesn't have to mean sex, it can just be a loving and comforting hug. Some relationships are built on friendship and companionship and not necessarily some kind of Hollywood Style or Porno Style idea of something that often doesn't really exist consistently with a couple. There is nothing wrong with masterbation at any age either. Some women end up doing that privately as their husband can't anymore and she still loves him and just works around it. And some women share that their husband/SO tends to be sexually selfish and it's just a waste of time to try to change that about him.

When I saw that scene in that movie with Meg Ryan showing how a woman can convincingly "FAKE" an orgasim, well, she sure was pretty accurate and men often are so clueless. (That's in the movie "When Harry met Sally) Yeah, a lot of women already know about "it only takes five minutes" about the same time it takes to quickly clean a toilet. I know, oh how awful, yet it's sure interesting when women get together and have a few and actually share. Truth be told, men are clearly not the only ones to be disillusioned and disappointed.

A few days ago I happened across a documentary where a man has written a book and he also agreed to do a documentary. Sigh...for the life of me I can't think of the name of his book or the documentary at the moment. I was just so taken by all that he shared and I was not certain I wanted to even hear what he shared as it took something away from how I had THOUGHT about different actors and actresses I had set in my mind how they were and it turns out they were not really what they were portrayed to be. He talked about the realities behind what Hollywood presented different actors and actresses as being that they were not. Well, Hollywood created Stars and each star had to play the role on and off the set a certain way in the public eye. They were pretty much told how important it was to play a role and keep the reality of their private life "private and out of the public eye". Well, the reality of many of these individuals was often very different from what their Hollywood image was and I found myself feeling very disheartened and even wishing I did not know this reality I was listening to. It's like when you are finally told one day that "Santa Clause isn't real but just a fantasy".

I remember a long time ago I started a thread here about how maybe it's bad that we lie to our children and encourage them to believe in Santa Clause. In all honesty, I had done that myself and it was not pleasant to experience the reaction my daughter had when she finally learned it was not true. A lot of responses were that of how it's ok and I should not feel bad about lying to my child about Santa Clause. And some were angry that I had been questioning that maybe it's actually bad or wrong to encourage children to think Santa Clause is real.

I think that given human beings are set up to "navigate" that human beings are very susceptible to attaching to ideals of some kind of perfection when in reality, there is no such thing as perfection.

When my daughter was around three, one day I was busy fixing these model ships for our restaurant that had a nautical theme and these ships were going to be thrown out and I noticed them and scooped them all up and brought them home to fix them all instead. Anyway, I was pretty much doing a learning as I go and I was really doing very well at that. My daughter had her little desk and her crayons and paints that she could play with too. Suddenly to my surprise my daughter had a meltdown and this was not something she had ever done before either. It turned out that she decided she wanted to draw a giraffe and when she discovered she could not do that, she got extremely upset with herself. It was so bad I had to stop what I was doing and go over to her and find out what was wrong and try to help her calm down. The truth is, my daughter somehow just expected to be able to sit and draw a giraffe. I had to help her understand how we don't "just" know how to do things, that it takes time to learn HOW. Well, that day was important because it was just the very beginning of helping my child learn that there are going to be a lot of giraffes in life where we really don't JUST know how to sit and JUST be able to do something the way we want.

When it comes to relationships, we don't JUST meet the right person and experience the PERFECT relationship. None of us just know how to experience a healthy sexual relationship either. Everything is learning one step at a time, and most of us learn by doing too. When my daughter was very little she had a favorite story she wanted me to read to her every night. It was called "Panda Bear's Paintbox". It was a cute little story about a little panda bear that got a paint box for his birthday and it showed how he painted a sun and different things and how he learned how mixing two colors together would create other colors too. What I had not realized about her listening to that story was how she just asumed that if she had a paint box too, that she would be able to make a sun and in this case a giraffe too. You know, thats something that happens a lot with people, they see something or read about something and begin to think they are supposed to be able to JUST experience whatever it happens to be too. Lots of people utter "She/he should know better" and guess what, more often than not, the TRUTH is often a person simply DOESN'T JUST KNOW BETTER.

Thanks open eyes, thanks Mickey Cheeky.

Somebody wrote this to me just yesterday.

"Your letter was truly interesting to read. I am amazed of physical loyalty you have towards your wife. I get that it could be hard at times to not have a partner who is willing to be sexually active but you somehow still want to be with her."

No, I don't want a divorce. We have so many good things going on. It would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Instead I'm toying with a form of neurological conditioning. Kind of like Pavlov's dog. I grew up expecting my wife to take care of my sexual needs. My first wife was pretty good with sex, but there were other things lacking. And when I hooked up with my second wife, my current wife of 26 years, I found 99.9% happiness except for one little thing, no libido.

So I'm reprogramming my neuro circuitry to seek sexual satisfaction in other ways. It's a slow and laborious process, but I am making some headway. I realized early on that I couldn't do it alone. Or I should say, it is not the same when I do it alone. There is something extraordinary that comes with the human connection, so now I'm looking for ethical non-monogamy alternatives to supplement my self pleasure activities.

It's an interesting growth experience. Thanks again for the kind words. It's nice to know I'm not alone.