My boyfriend has protection?

we are not judging we are just worried because your posts show so many red flags about this guy. for example you say he is an average guy but yet he has more than one body guard. just the cost alone shows he is not an average guy. for 24 hours it costs over 3000. in the UK and this guy has a body guard with him all the time.. calculate that into one weeks time thats 21000, translated into uk money thats 16,509 uk money. now multiply that by how many body guards he has.... it just does not add. we are very worried about you if this is for real, you may not realize it but you may be in extreme danger.

I don’t see anyone judging anyone. If you enjoy this life style then it’s fine but you asked our opinion.

Everyone’s opinion is that life style with guns, shooting, assaults and body guards is a dangerous life style. Your date isn’t famous or royalty or politician, he has no need for bodyguards unless he is involved in dangerous life style. Your guy as he said it himself associates with criminals hence he needs bodyguards. People who run homeless shelters and schedule volunteers do not need bodyguards.

You are very inexperienced and perhaps think that cuddling, watching movies and eating for free (every post mentions breakfast, why is it important) is enough to maintain a relationship. It’s not enough. You are free to continue this entanglement and he likely is glad he found someone young and inexperienced because no one else would be ok with it. He is waving red flags in your face.

Your safety is jeopardized

People were served breakfast and “drinks” in the morning? These people drink in the morning? Who was “the old lady”? If he gets food for free, who do you think pays for it? He is involved in dangerous life style and has body guards and guns around but was afraid of his mother?

Nothing adds up here

Hi JP31 and welcome to PC!

There are so many details of the situation you described that need more clarification, that it’s hard to know how to make all of this out for me. But the general thought, just like all the prior posters wisely said, is you are not in a healthy and potentially dangerous situation and should end this ‘date’ and go home.

May I start by asking how old you are? Where did you meet this man? Online, I presume. Why did you travel to stay with this man that you really didn’t know anything about? Why are you referring to him as your ‘date’?

Maybe a look into you and your thinking and doing risky things is a good place to start talking about in this issue.

So firstly, an old lady is meant as a partner. There are no involvement with firearms. His "bodyguards" is a word created by people here, not me. I've used the word protection, meaning anything. These guys are people who look after him, sometimes people do this. It's often just called being a good and trustworthy friend.

We didn't meet online, we met when I volunteered at the shelter. I live about an hour from him so I can't see him every day. I refer to him as my date and would rather be cryptic in the event I'm recognised as you all seem to think this is shady. This probably wasn't the place to post this.

Jp31,

Do you not see this all as ridiculous?

Even if this were truthful, do you not see participating in it as being less than the intelligent thing to do?

Consider this please. Given a friend or colleague being in the same situation what would you consider this all to be? Likely you would find it a little far fetched. But going on the assumption it was as matter of fact, how would you go about counselling your friend on the matter? What would you say to her? Would you encourage her to pursue this friendship or acquaintance? Probably not as being an outsider looking in you would see the inappropriateness of the whole thing and out of concern for your friend's safety you would strongly discourage her from getting tied up in all this. You would warn your friend accordingly and do everything you could to make her see the whole situation as incredibly alarming and one she should run away from instead of getting involved in.

And that is what I/we are doing. We are being that concerned friend.

Yes, people are only responding out of concern and care for your safety and well being. No one means any harm by their comments and concerns.

I would also personally be most wary of someone whose ex had held them by the throat with a knife. Why? Because that indicates an extremely volatile relationship that became violent and you don’t know his level of participation in it. Why was he with her for so many years? Was it an abusive relationship on both partners behalf? Do u know all the details? That on top of the protection as you name it, and a past that was “dark”, I would be very very wary of this man.

“Sometimes people do that”? So you are saying it’s normal for friends following people to restaurants and sitting at the next table over at all times? I lived on two continents and know ton of people, I’ve never been on a date with “friends” looking over a guy. It’s because it’s not something that takes place. It’s just not happening.

you're dating him, you have every right to know about some people that if not his acquaintances would appear to be stalking. Why would it not be your business to ask? Asking questions that would involve people outside you two that are always present would be something that I think he should be explaining up front in the first place and it kind of bothers me that he hasn't said something on his own. Could be a ploy that he is trying to look more important than he is?

late reply - missed other responses.

I got the impression from what you described that you traveled to stay with him and were there with him for several days. Thanks for clarifying.

I’m not sure what to say about the situation. I’ve never seen anyone who has people who follow them and are protective, vehicles whisking them away due to impending danger, conflicting stories as to why. He was being protected from a threat of violence, but he was also an elected public official. It just doesn’t make sense.

I once had a bf who made up stories about how he was a gang member back home, when I met him in college. He thought he was impressing me with his tough, street smarts. None of it was true. He was just a rich kid sent out of state to a private university with an over-active imagination and low self esteem. But they were just stories, not anything I witnessed.

My worst fearful concern for your safety was that you might have gotten into a sex trafficking operation and could be a victim. But it looks like days have passed, you don’t feel threatened, and nothing bad has happened to you. I’m very glad for that.

So certainly not being trafficking that's for sure. We've spent days together where we've just been sat at home and not really doing much, as the weather is pretty poor we don't do much apart from watch movies and eat god awful food.

The impression I got about being whizzed away in the car was that someone was at that time possibly a danger, or could put him in danger. The people who take him places, and are looking over him always keep tabs on him, but from what I've learnt his past relationship was his first, and it was going well until she had an affair and he caught her. He suffers from Ptsd after a very serious set of incidents which he refers to as unfortunate events which if done differently, he would of changed.

A court order had declared that him and his ex partner must not have contact, however she is now dating the individual who arranged and set up my date 8 years ago. My reasoning behind us being taken away so quickly was possibly that she was there alongside her cronies and this could of possibly posed a legal complication or a threat to him. I know this entire relationship breakup has screwed him up, as he has scars from obvious self harm, many antipsychotic drugs and mood stabilisers, however he is being reviewed to reduce them soon as no relapse for 5 months.

I believe that the protection measures where there when we had our first few dates to protect him from possible setups or attacks by the other parties.

We met a really nice man who knew him well, and I had an insight of how his relations are built by businesses. He visits this business every few days, they always greet him in a forigen language and he responds, sounds like "peace upon you" or something like that. He often asks my date if he's working, how am I, he will overpay for the food, and he always tells me that being nice goes both ways. He supports their business and helps them with finances whilst they often send food at the end of the night to the shelter.

By now I'm faiy confident that nothing sinister is going on, and we've had no ordeals. He's planning to move closer to his new job within the security services soon which is ironically in my town, if he was too involved in organised crimes or some kind of syndicate then he wouldn't be able to leave it so easily, surely?

His guys have said that when we have nice weather, we will go on a picnic with him and his old lady and we can just focus on being normal, I guess.

I didnt read all the replies, so maybe i have missed some details. Average guy, body guards, people following? Maybe it’s the skeptic side of me, but i’m just having a difficult time believing this. What advice or support related to mental health are you asking for?

I'm not asking for anything mental health related.

Multiple Choice:

Someone Bad
Someone Important
Someone Famous

You have every right to know...

Jp, from what you have shared, you certainly got swept up into suddenly being with an individual who definitely is not the average guy. You mentioned that this is your first experience dating. This means you are still learning about dating and relationships. Somewhere in your thread you mentioned he is not your boyfriend, just a date, and that's important to keep that perspective. At this point, all you are doing is spending time with someone and getting to know that person. You do not OWE this person anything or any kind of commitment just because he asked you out either. By saying that to you, it doesn't mean I am assuming anything about you. Instead I am just trying to encourage you to remember that you have a right to determine if you are even interested in involving yourself with this individual who clearly is living a lifestyle that is out of the ordinary.

So far from what you have shared of this individual, the person who he wants to experience a relationship with is expected to live in HIS world and how HE needs things to be in order to feel or be "safe". He has shared "some" things with you about himself, it's very important you pay attention because the last thing you need to have happen is to lose YOUR identity and become something HE has taken over to become a part of HIS life. Also, it doesn't matter how much the people around him say, "it's nothing, it's not that bad really, just ignore this and focus on HIM". Again, that's about HIM, not you and what it means to YOU to have these watch dogs around constantly and pretty much "hyper vigiliant" over him.

You just learned an important piece of who he is that you need to really pay attention to. He shared that he has ptsd and has also engaged in self harming. I suffer from ptsd myself, so I know that it's an ongoing challenge and that it's something a person has to learn how to manage and it's definitely a lot of work and requires a lot of patience. I also know that having ptsd makes it hard to feel "safe" and often there is a strong urge to withdraw and isolate. You shared that you went to a dog rescue place with him and he was told he could not see the animals because it might upset the animals. You mentioned he got angry about being told that and said these people were being terrible. That is important to pay attention to because it got him upset and there IS a reason for that. So far what you described is how he is used to having people around him to watch over him and he doesn't really pay for anything but that's done for him too. It also sounds like HE makes the decisions as to where you two will go and what you two will do. Also, often an individual with ptsd gets uncomfortable in public places and they are actually very particular in what places they are willing to go, and they like to be able to make a quick exit if they are some place with too many people as they can experience a sensory overload. I know this well as I experience it myself and there are places I am not comfortable going myself and I like to be able to leave if I get overwhelmed.

He has talked briefly about something he experienced in his past, something he wishes he could have caught on sooner about so he did not have to experience the outcome that most likely traumatized him. When someone develops ptsd what they tend to lose the most is "trust in self". Interesting that he is drawn to "security" too, because he lost control of something and something bad happened and now he struggles with a psychological challenge that affects his sense of "security". It may very well be that you were someplace and he NEEDED to step outside for a cigerette and he got too uncomfortable and needed to leave that environment "immediately" and he has people that accomodate that. That can be a big part of "there really was no danger, just a potential so we needed to get away". What you are really seeing that is so odd to you is HIS world and how he trys to manage the ptsd symptoms that can cripple him and make him extremely uncomfortable. I know this oh so well myself and it's extremely hard to explain to other people who tend to answer with "just" comments that is the last thing someone suffering cares to hear.

What I am sharing with you Jp, is how you will have to live your life around HIS needs. That is what you are actually seeing taking place. And some how, there is money that can provide him with the "security" you are witnessing him having around him that is confusing you. Also, what I think about this is HE is seeing if you are the kind of person HE can have around HIM that he can feel "safe" with. He will need someone that can understand WHY he got upset when the people at that dog rescue did not let him see the animals. It most likely was not so much that they had a rule about visitors, but how they conveyed that rule to him that upset him. They were probably cold and rude and that got him triggered. People who REALLY know him and his challenge will "get that", but for someone who has so little knowledge about how HE struggles may think his reaction was a bit much.

The time you spent at his place watching TV? He was seeing how you behaved and if you show patterns in your behavior that might "trigger" him. Truth is Jp, for him to have a relationship with someone and FEEL safe is that person has to be VERY understanding and not exhibit behaviors that make him uncomfortable. Anyone he develops a relationship with HAS TO fit into HIS world and understand the kind of "control" he needs to have to feel "safe" so he can manage the ptsd condition he has that makes him so sensitive. Given that you donate time to the homeless, he may be seeing something in you that may have the capacity to fit into HIS world. That being said, what you have been seeing thus far IS a lifestyle. It's a huge decison if that is something you can actually live with because it will have restrictions and you won't have "normal" freedoms. If he starts caring about you, he will want you to be watched so he won't have to face some kind of unknown trauma of losing something else he cares about. That's a lot of responsiblity to deal with Jp. It's a VERY different kind of lifestyle. It's very important you pay attention to what that means before you end up getting in too deep and get all confused and even hurt because of what you don't understand about what this all means and why. Remember, you do have a right to know what you are getting involved with and what that means to YOU and if it's something you even want to be a part of. This doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad person or has some strange illegal dark life either. He MAY be a deeply "hurt" person who struggles with this ptsd that makes him extremely sensitive and he needs to have people around him that help him to feel safe who understand his true challenge.

The only way you will be able to truly evaluate him and all of this strange activity around him is to hear his real story and how it traumatized him so badly. For now he seems to only be giving you bits and pieces. It's not easy to entrust just anyone with the whole story as a lot of people tend to judge and cannot really hear what someone struggling really needs them to not only hear but understand and respect.

Also, a woman can be every bit abusive and dangerous as any man. It's very possible that he experienced a relationship with a very disturbed abusive woman that actually did put a knife to his throat. It can be extra hard for a man to talk about the abuse they suffered from a woman and how that resulted in him developing this painful condition of ptsd. For all you know, you could be therapy for him in that he needs to know that not all women are bad like the one that traumatized him and that he can experience a safe nice woman too. That in itself is a challenge in that you don't even know what he needs to experience and why. That's a lot for someone who doesn't have very much experience dating and experiencing relationships to handle.

What I have just layed out in my post is a "here is what you may possibly really be dealing with" here. It isn't "normal" and you deserve to know what it all means and even if it's something you can handle dealing with.

So what are you asking then?

Jp, a lot of posters just saw some red flags they were concerned about. I myself felt what you were describing was very strange and concerning. I also was considering your inexperience with dating and relationships too. As I checked back to read more of what you have learned from this individual the red flag I saw that is important is the ptsd and his self harming challenge. Having ptsd myself, it's not something you ignore when someone talks about struggling with it. It's definitely a challenge that you need to pay attention to, it's not something trivial and some people have it worse than others too. When someone struggles with ptsd, it doesn't mean they are a bad person either. What it does mean is the person does have a challenge and have to work on the fact that they are extra sensitive and will need others to understand how they are affected by it that can be supportive while they themselves are struggling to understand it and slowly learn to manage it.

10 Tips For Understanding Someone With PTSD | Heal My PTSD

The above is one link that talks about ptsd. However, I suggest you look it up yourself and learn about it so you can better understand what this guy is dealing with and how you can be supportive and respectful towards him. Doing some research about this challenge will not only educate you, but also help you learn about what you can do to be supportive and yet also come to see the actual challenge YOU will be facing when it comes to having a relationship with someone who is struggling.

In all honesty, often what others fail to understand about me is that when they respond to me with "just ignore that person, don't allow that person to upset you, don't give that person power over you" they are failing to "get" that none of those responses are helpful at all. What someone with ptsd wants very badly is to be able to actually "just" and they can get very frustrated with how things affect them more than they care to be affected. What stands out to me is how this guy has people around him that offer him a very different "kind" of security. If you take time to read and learn about ptsd, you will start to understand it all better. It will also be appreciated as well.

So why make an account on a site for mental health support and post?

yes, please address this jp

Jp you stated you are not here for mental health support. this has me wondering why you signed up on psych central wondering if you were looking for something else.

psych central is a mental health support website, everything on it is for mental health...

examples of what you will find here on psych central...

the community area (where everyone posts on all these message boards called forums)

this is where people with mental disorders post about their own mental disorder problems, then others post back to them sharing whether they also have that problem and how their own psychiatrists and therapists and medical doctors are helping them with their mental disorder....

since you are a member of psych central this means ...

you are a person with a mental disorder and would like help in understanding your problems, and someone to listen to your problems in a non professional way. (in other words getting support for you and your mental problems)

OR

you are someone who has a family member or friend with a mental disorder and are looking for help in understanding your family or friends mental problems (this is also called getting mental health support here)

Psych central is ..........not.........a dating or relationships website. when people here post in the relationships forum its because they want non professional mental health support because their or their loved ones mental disorder is causing problems in their relationships.

We are not here to judge you, we are not here to tell you to break up with the dude. we are trying to figure out what you would like from us in the way of mental health support since this is an online mental health support group and website.

since this is an online mental health support group some of us have posted to you the red flags that we see in the posts that you, yourself have posted to us. you were the one that asked us what was going on, in your very first post in this thread.

since this is an online mental health support group we are posting from the mental health support frame of mind. we are showing you things in your post that would cause ourselves to become worried for your mental well being.

since you dont want our mental health support that psych central is for we are now wondering why you have posted this and asked for our help in figuring things out.

obviously you dont feel this is causing you any mental problems (anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar problems, Schozphrenic problems, psychosis problems, dissociative problems... all that kinds of stuff that is what this site is for)

so now Im asking you, why did you sign up for psych central if you were not looking for mental health support and what can we do to help you in the frame of what this site is for.

suggestion maybe you can check out all the different mental health forums here and get an idea of what this site is for and then decide first why you posted this thread and then how we offer you non professional mental health support based on how dating this person may be affecting your mental health. if there isnt anything then to me this whole thread is probably off topic since this site is for getting and giving non professional mental health support, just like if you joined a support group in your home town on some mental disorder.

Yes, now I am curious too! This is a site for mental health issues and support around those issues, pertaining to ourselves or someone else perhaps that we are involved with.

Because this section is for relationships and communication?

You don't have to have a mental health issue to be a member of this site. Anyone is welcome to join and interact. It's probably not what you were thinking about either when you asked your intitial question. However, given what this guy did share with you, it's actually beneficial that you did share and he ended giving you a very important thing for you to learn about too. Sometimes, something can shed some light once you learn more about a person and it's nice to have others that can help you with that too.