My husband said he wouldn’t care if I died

Hello, I am 23 and my husband is 24, we’ve been married for less than a year, and last night he said some things that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.

So, to preface this, I guess I should say I’m not a healthy eater and that’s what started this conversation. My husband started saying that because I don’t eat enough vegetables that I’m gonna die soon. He said this very non-chalantly and of course I got upset. He started asking why I was so upset and I said “because it sounds like you wouldn’t even care if I died” and he said “so what?” . Of course I started bawling and he asked again what was wrong with him saying that, why did it matter what he thought, and I said i couldn’t believe he just said that and asked him to leave me alone. He said “just so you know, I wouldn’t care if anyone died, not just you”. He insisted that I’m crazy for thinking that’s a problem and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I couldn’t stop crying and he threatened to get up and leave me if I didn’t stop.

I guess I’m here because I’m wondering if this is normal and what I should do?? He works at a funeral home so I’m not sure if this has desensitized him to death? This happened last night and he is still defending and standing behind everything he said today and I just don’t know what to do. He’s treating me exactly the same in every other way. I’m so lost and hurt that I mean so little to him.

I just want to add as well; the whole thing about me dying soon is so out of line and not based in reality, because even though I don’t have the healthiest eating habits, I’m in really good health. I’m not overweight, in fact I’m smaller than average.

No, this (his behavior and the very cruel things he said to you) does not seem normal to me at all. It seems abusive and unempathic and mean.

Is this the first time you're dealing w remarks like this from him? What is your marriage like?

People say things they don’t mean all the time. I'm guilty of this too. Pay attention to his actions if he leaves you he probably doesn’t care.

Nope not normal. That’s terrible. My husband is RN and sees people dying quite often yet he doesn’t treat me that way. I’d say if he is a jerk a year after the wedding, it has no way to go but downhill. I’d start planning my exit.

Huge red flag, it's time for you to exit this relationship. You married a person that doesn't "love" or care about others. It's best to dump him before you invest in too much with him that he can take from you, BELIEVE him when he says he doesn't care.

I agree with the others. This is a huge red flag, and it's time to leave this relationship. He says he doesn't care. Believe him.

Time for a new husband

Thank the Lord in heaven you are young. Please do not have a child with this person. You deserve so much better than this. To me, this is verbal and emotional abuse. It will only get worse from here.

I wonder if more consideration should be given to the fact that he works in a funeral home.

Success in his work requires a professional detachment from death. He might have a sense of professional pride on that.

He says he loves you and I gather that he is a caring person. I think that counts for a lot. It shows that he cares about you.

Maybe he THINKS he wouldn’t care if you died, but he might be wrong about that!

My suggestion is to explore with him further what he means, and how it connects with his work. I would suggest doing that when you and he are calm. I see such discussions as a nonjudgmental effort to understand better what he means, and what you mean to him.

I’m betting that you mean a lot to him.

Bill3, you might be onto something. I hope the OP replies w more info. Hugs to the OP.

In my opinion you should take this chance to review your relationship as a whole and think about how your husband generally behaves towards you, when you are ill or sad or happy..the whole deal. That should give you some clues about the kind of man he is. But that does not mean you should let this incident slide. If he is nice to you in general, then you can slowly make him understand that it is not ok to be cold when someone is crying. Even if he remained adamant on the point of death, there were other ways he could show his concern for you when you were upset. Ask him to be more considerate of your feelings in the future. One incident does not define normal or abnormal. But if he becomes a repeat offender, then it might be better to consider other options.

“a non judgmental effort to understand better what he means, and what you mean to him”

Good points.

Hugs to the OP

Tho I agree with Bill that he is saying some things he doesnt mean, he knows that is no way to talk to a woman who is also his wife. He knows you are young and sensitive, so hounding you about vegetables and speaking to you in an insensitive way are just immature and stupid,because doing so can damage your relationship. Despite the fact that he works w dead people, that was an insensitive remark. He has to live in the real world where you dont say that to people you care about. Dragging a stupid generalization which has a different meaning into the conversation was game playing.
Maybe he can talk in that way to other guys, but that’s no way to talk to a young wife. Perhaps an older family member or more mature friend can talk to him about keeping the romance in his marriage.
Basically,he sounds pretty insensitive However,the part he got right is that ,at least by the time you are middle aged, you really should start scarfing down the veggies, (do you like salad?how about tomatoes and cukes w cider vinegar,salt and pepper, etc???)because many people who dont eat right do pay with health problems and start to fall apart. They are now recommending that half the plate be assigned to fruits and vegetables. Who cooks? Maybe he’s worried about what you are serving HIM? Men do often die earlier and he sees all these dead men all the time. Wow, this is making me hungry LOL Good luck sweetie.!

Thanks everyone so much for the responses, it means a lot! He has been acting the same as usual today, if not a little nicer, offering to take me out to a movie and going along with what I’ve wanted to do all day. He has stood by what he said which really hurts, but I’m trying to forget it. To those that asked if this is the first time he’s said hurtful things, it’s not. He’s called me worthless, a child, a pain in the ***, and a number of other things in the past, but he’s always apologized for it shortly after so that has been the difference so far. It’s hard feeling like it doesn’t matter if I’m around or not, especially because I have dealt with suicidal thoughts in the past and this has brought that back up. I’m trying to go back to normal though. Thanks everyone for the advice, I will continue to update.

Thank you, I’m really hoping this is the case. He insists that he cares about me and loves me but that he just doesn’t view death as a big deal. I get that, I just wish that I provided enough in his life to leave a void if I were gone, if that makes sense.

He called you worthless? A child? Pain in the...?

Geez looks like others think it’s ok to be a jerk because he works in a funeral home. This kind of stuff wouldn’t work for me. This guy is so rude it makes no sense to me.

No those comments are not acceptable regardless of where he works.

IMHO one issue like this is not a reason to throw away an entire relationship - at least until you've explored it more. Men can be asses. I know this all too well because I was a complete *** in the past. Here are things I said to my wife: "Maybe you should go to the gym to lose weight", "Your boobs are too small and you should get a boob job", "You shouldn't become a teacher", "You shouldn't do an ironman" and several other terrible things.

How do I know these things are hurtful now and that I was an enormous self-centered jerk? Because she said she wanted to separate in August. However, after much discussion, we decided to stay together and things are great now. I recognize how wrong my actions were and have turned my personality around 180 degrees. I'm blessed she has stayed. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

Why? Because of communication. We are now brutally honest with each other. We used to be scared to be completely honest and share what we were truly thinking as it might cause the other person to leave. However, we've now found the opposite. By being brutally honest we know exactly what the other person is thinking and we have the opportunity to discuss it - good or bad. We also found that neither one of us were seeing the forest through the trees. There were often bigger pictures to problems we had, but we'd only see the problem right in front of us. I would suggest exploring this issue you're having with your husband further and see why he doesn't care if anyone dies. Non-confrontational (i.e. don't yell - just discuss) and bi-directional communication is one of the best ways to sustain a long term relationship and marriage in my humble opinion.

This is emotional and verbal abuse plain and simple. You do not talk to someone you love like this, ever.

Question .. are you financially able to leave him ? is he the breadwinner? Do you work? If so does he control all the money or do you have access to it and can spend when you want and budget allows?

Sweetheart these are not red flags. These are humungus, astounding, glowing crimson flags. Your husband is a jerk, pardon my language. Are you looking for ways to condone his behaviour and/or trying to hold yourself responsible for them? You have already suffered damage at his hands. Please start packing your bags. Is it physically safe for you to leave him? Do you have someone to help you? Can you stay with friends or family temporarily? In my experience, as time will progress his bad behaviour will escalate and the apologies will diminish until you are trapped in a cage of abuse. Take charge of your life now.

No, this is not anywhere near a normal attitude about death! This is not something you’d even admit to if you felt these detached feelings, either, especially to say it to your new bride.

Does his family own the funeral home? Has he been raised with some skewed attitude about death being great for them because it brings them business? Why does he think his feelings are normal and you are being over sensitive to react?

I agree with Bill that it’s best to calmly discuss this issue with him to learn about where and why he has this attitude. The other name-calling is also abusive and most likely will escalate.

I suggest talking to a marriage counselor or even clergy (especially about the death attitude).

I never heard anyone say they felt like they wouldn’t care if anyone died.

With this little time put into a marriage I'd chalk it up as an unfortunate pick in husbands and get out of the marriage.

I can ensure that not all men are a$$es and not every woman puts up with asinine behaviors. I honestly have never been in a relationship with any man who spoke like examples you provided. I am glad you improved but trust me it’s not common to speak to your wife in this manner

There wasnt even any context between what he complained about and his comment about dying. I think he was just being cruel and its not something worth saving.