[daffadil]

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm just feeling so frustrated. For those who don't know me, I'll give you a brief background. I am extreemly jealous. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I'm getting worse. We can't even watch TV without me flipping out over a cover girl ad. I am obsessed with thoughts that he wants me to look like anyone other than me. My shrink says I have delusional disorder. I have been heavily medicated and it seems to help a bit, but the side effects are awful. I just want to be normal. I am with a great guy, who I know would never cheat on me, but I am consumed by thoughts of if I just looked better he won't leave me. I know he is going to leave me if I don't change, because I am slowly ruining our relationship. When we watch TV or god forbid go out in public it's the same thing, "I guess you wish I looked like that don't you". I know I'm an attractive person, I don't think I'm ugly, I just don't think I'm ever going to be good enough to keep him. (or anyone else for that matter) Every where I look I see magazines and Tv and girls in the mall etc, why would he not want something better. It may sound trivial, but it is all I think about and it is ruining my life. If I can't get over this I will be alone the rest of my life. Which most of the time, I think is the best thing anyway, that way I don't have to worry anymore about being left for someone better.

[conklinca]

I wonder whether your boyfriend is giving you signals that make you doubt how he sees you compared to others. If so, then you need to think about your relationship and why you are in it. If there is really no reason for the way you are feeling, knowing this can help you, and there is no better way to work through this than to continue seeing a therapist. Can your boyfriend go with you? It is often best to work on issues as a couple.

[daffadil]

Thank-you for replying, not very many people do. The reason this is so frustrating is because my boyfriend is the best. I have never met anyone like him. He is supportive, he doesn't give me signals about anyone else, it's all in my head, but I just can't let go of my way of thinking. My shrink says I might just have to come to terms that I might be better off alone. In other words he's given up on me. I can't even walk outside my front door without thinking if only I looked like that he'd never leave me.

[LMo]

If you even SUSPECT that your shrink has given up on you, it's only fair to yourself to 1) ask him, and if you're not satisfied with the answer, then 2) find a new therapist, pronto. This IS something you can work out... definitely. You do not have to be stuck in this mindset if you are determined to get yourself out, and you do seem to be determined.

Good luck to you

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[dexter]

>>In other words he's given up on me.

He can't quit, he's fired!

If he's "given up on you", then it is high time to give up on him. That is a lousy attitude for a doctor to take.

Please try to find another doc. There is help available for problems like this. If your current doc can't help you work toward a solution, that is his failing, not yours.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[LMo]

The only reason I suggested to Daffadil to ask him before "firing" him is because she admits to having trust problems and being suspicious about malintentions that aren't really there. That's her whole reason for therapy. Consequently, she may suspect that her therapist has given up on her, but it might be related to the fact that she suspects her boyfriend would cheat on her. Neither of them might be true, so maybe she could discuss her suspicions before firing him.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[dexter]

That is true LMo and a very good advice.

My main intention was that if it turns out the doctor has given up, that doesn't mean she should give up (which was part of your initial post also. I only meant to amplify that part of your advice).

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[daffadil]

Just for some more background, I see a shrink once every three weeks, and a mental health worker once a week. Both were very helpful in the begining. My mental health worker and I have been at a stand still for a while now. She says every behavior is a choice, and I just have to choose to stop. But it's not that easy, other wise I would have. At times I can't even control the words that come out of my mouth. I hear myself saying them and just want to shut up. But I keep saying them. My shrink also says he's done as much as he can as far as medication goes and says he doesn't know what else he can do. I do all of the things they both suggest, rational thinking, etc, but I just am not getting any better. I live in a very small town and travel 1 hour to get to small city that has mental health services, and to get to another one would be another two hours. I have considered a different shrink/therapist, but it just isn't doable because of the distance. I just want to be normal and not worry about this 24/7. I constantly have this knot in the pit of my stomach all the time. When there are so many beautiful women in the world, why would he want to be with me. Even as I write this, I know how silly it must seem to others, just as I don't understand anorexia and other problems people have, but it eats away at me. And I am probably going to loose this great guy because of it. Thank you for your in-put, it's always so nice to talk to some one about it.

[conklinca]

Psychiatrists specialize in meds, not working through problems like counselors and psychologists do. You very well may be on the optimal meds and just need a different weekly therapist. To a great extent, behaviors are choices--but the attitudes that drive the behaviors aren't so easy! You need a therapist who understands that and has the education and experience to help you through it.

[darkeyes]

Just a little of my 2 cents, behaviours are not always choices, some people begining at childhood can grow up in an environment (at home) developing certain behaviours, and not knowing any different. Unfortunately as adults certain behaviours become a person's personality
I can also agree too that yes,what you said behaviour can be by choice, so it isn't necessarily a "black and white", there is some grey areas into what accounts for behaviours.
Take care,
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

[Jewel]

It sounds to me like much of the underlying problem is how you feel about yourself, and the fears of abandonment. Boy oh boy can I relate to that one!

I've been overweight most of my life, and have had to deal with this to a lesser extent myself since I definitely have abandonment issues and to some degree, trust isues as well.

Perhaps it would be helpful to say to yourself, "He's with me, regardless of how I look". Isn't that what counts, anyways?

I agree with the post that differentiated between behaviors and attitudes. Although I am learning recently that attitudes as well as behaviors are choices, the most troubling ones are often the ones that are rooted the most deeply.

What are you doing to increase your self-confidence? Anything you can do that will make you feel good about yourself may help the situation.

Good luck and I hope some of this is helpful to you.

[Audrey]

Daffidal,
I'm sure you heard this before, but looks aren't everything. Your guy is with you for your personality. If he was only with you for your looks, then i really don't think that you two would have been together for as long as you have. Also, who is to say that you don't want other guys...(not saying that you do) but it works both ways. As far as the shrink goes... if the shrink did say those things, then don't waste your money on him/her. People need to be loved to survive, if you give up then that's like telling a person with a terminal illness to just forget having hope. In the past many "terminal" illness are now considered something of the past because they have been taking care of becasue people didn't give up and becasue they had hope anyway.. so make sure that you continue to not give up.
Also, maybe you could ask your boyfriend to tell you personality traits that he likes about you when he thinks of them, so that your focus isn't on looks as much.
-Audrey

[daffadil]

Thank-you everyone for replying, everything everyone said makes a lot of sense, and I have thought the same things myself. I have considered getting a new therapist because I know she really doesn't understand my problem. At the end of most sessions, we are pretty much mad at each other. She just doesn't understand that I just can't stop. My boyfriend is truly great, he tells me great things about myself, both personality and looks. And I know I'm attractive, I get hit on by other men on a daily basis. I just feel so insecure when I do see a female that is also attractive. I know how trivial that must seem. I have three months to get it together because my boyfriend has accepted a job out west and I will not be going with him if he does not see improvement by then. He can't handle being accused of things he's not doing. And I don't blame him.