The End of my Rope

I am so frightened everyone. I am so tired of fighting constantly for anything even half-way good in my life. My energy is almost gone and I'm exhausted.

I am having surgery in two weeks - my 3rd back surgery. My whole lumbar section has been fused - now I am up into the thoracic section, I have a double fracture. They are going to extend my fusion. Every day since last Nov. I am in pain, between my back and the migraines. I lift anything, I'm wiped out for 3 days. I have applied for disability, been turned down twice so far.

I have no self-esteem, my value lies in what I am able to accomplish which lately is nothing. It is one continuous setback after another, including trying to get medical assistance for my medications and the surgery. I've lost 7 lbs. from not eating, can't afford to do that.

I am starting to really lose control over my emotions - Prozac is definitely not helping. I called my therapist today because I was so close to just giving in to dying. I have been planning my death for two weeks now - I have a deadline to do it and in some ways I look forward to it. No more stress, no pain....just the peace and contentment I crave. I feel so absolutely worthless these days......I don't even have the courage to stay alive. I am the main supporter of my family - my husband can't work and my son is only 7. It doesn't help when my husband constantly tells me how I need to be doing more, etc.

It used to be enough to stay alive for my son, but I'm not providing for him, for my family. Of what use am I then? A waste of air space really.

Thank you for listening to me.

Mary Alice

Mary Alice,

I don't know what to say to you, except to tell you that I hear you and feel for you. I'm glad that you called your therapist, and I hope that things will get better for you.

Living with physical pain colors the way you perceive everything. The closest experience that I have that is remotely like that is having a tooth ache that lasted for a few months before I would go to the dentist. The misery from that and from being cold all the time (it was winter and our heater wasn't working) combined with not having the money to fix all the problems definitely contributed to my depression. If your pain could be taken away your outlook would improve immensely.

Disability turns everyone down, and if you have been turned down twice that is a sign that you are close to getting it. Keep after them - they would like you to give up and then they wouldn't have to pay you, but they do that to everyone. It's rotten, but they do.

Your family needs you more because they love their mother and wife, not just for your ability to bring home a paycheck. You are worth more to them than anything they possess.

Here's something my therapist sent to me several months ago:
(that's not in reply to even though it says it is, but I wanted to mark it as a quote)
<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

Think about this . . . You may not believe it, but it's 100% true
>
>1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you!
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>2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
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>3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
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>4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
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>5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
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>6. You mean the world to someone.
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>7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
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>8. You are special and unique.
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>9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
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>10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
>
>11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
>
>12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it. But if you believe in yourself, sooner or later you may get exactly what you want.
>
>13. Always remember the compliments you receive, forget about the rude remarks.
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>14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, you'll feel much better when they know.
>
>15. If you have a great friend, take time to let them know that they are great.

<hr></blockquote>

It helped me, and I hope it will you also.

(((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))

Sending well wishes your way,
Wendy

<font color=purple>"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."</font color=purple>

Wendy, thank you for the kind words. The combination of the physical pain and the depression that I have been fighting is a lethal one.

My son may view me as more than a paycheck, but I know my husband doesn't. A pack of cigs come before me. I called my T because he was genuinely worried about me - he had tears in his eyes last time I saw him. It surprised me and shocked me that someone could actually care about "me" and not the image that is shown to the world.

No one else has ever really been there for me and I am so afraid that my neediness will drive my T away also. I hate calling him and bothering him - I am constantly apologizing for it. Last time I saw him I gave him my razor because I was sitting in his waiting area cutting away at my thigh and my fingers. I didn't even care if someone saw me.

The people here understand, and for that I am grateful.

Mary Alice

Dear PTD,

Do you see a pain management physician? I know you are planning this surgery, but I wonder if it might be worth consulting one before or after this procedure. They may be able to help you with pain management surrounding the surgery and afterwards, and they may be able to help you with your disability application too.

Take care,
ErinBear

Yes Erin, my T is also a pain management doctor - that is where his office is actually. He told me that he wants to teach me some relaxation techniques so that when my emotions run out of control, they may help me to focus and calm down.

I hope something does, and soon.

Ian, I am sorry I took off out of the chat room. It was not personal. I have read some of your posts as well and know that you are going thru your own pain.......thank you for caring.

Mary Alice

Dear (((((Mary Alice}}}}}: I just wrote to you on another post, but wanted to touch base with you here as well. I am really saddened to read how terribly much pain you are in, both physically and mentally/emotionally, but I truly admire the courage you show in trying to hang on for your children. My Mom killed herself, and it is the most horrific and traumatizing thing that one could imagine happening; I still have not recovered 7 years later. Probably there is relief in having made a decision, but since it's in the option pool, why not decide to keep going day by day; I know you feel that you're losing value to your kids, but there is just no way to tell you what a lasting and devastating legacy suicide leaves on your kids; that act will literally define who they believe themselves to be their whole lives. Chronic pain is something that I can't even imagine; at least not physical pain that is prolonged, but the mental/emotional suffering and devastation from having your Mom kill herself, for whatever reason, just can't be overstated. I hope you will keep talking to us, and, for sure, keep seeking medical help for the depression. I admire you for your strength, and want to help you to continue. Best regards. PS. Some other resourses to check out are: www.suicidehotlines.com/ and suicidecrisiscenter.com/whylive.html. Also, toll free, 1-800-SUICIDE [1-800-784-2422].

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I am so sorry you are going through so much. Constant pain is hard to deal with even when you aren't depressed. Have you considered alternative medicine to suppliment your regular treatment. I hear wonderful things about accupunction. I have not done it but my Grandpa has and swears by it. He is a retired fireman. He messed up his back ages ago so has been retired for as long as I remember. His back has been a source of constant pain. He has to where a brace all the time and stuff. At one point his pain got so bad they were talking about doubling his medication. He didn't want to do that so he tried acupunture. His pain was reduced enough that he was able to reduce is medication. It is just a thought.

I am distressed that you are not getting any support from your husband. Have you thought of leaving him? If he is using you and not caring about the pain you are going through I think he should have to go fend for himself. Discuss it with your T. It seems to me like you deserve to more then a pack of cigarettes to your spouse. Consider talking to your T about that and see what he thinks.

I sincerely hope you can stay safe and work through this.
Take care Dear One,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

Carrie & Peanut,

You guys are so great. I have considered leaving my husband numerous times, almost did it once. Then I realized I like being in one piece. I deal with his mood swings and protect myself and my son from his verbal abuse all the time - can you see why I am so tired? There is never a day, an hour that goes by without some stupid thing that I have to deal with. He is manic-depressive which definitely does not help my depression any.

There are no words to describe how exhausted I am, in mind & spirit. When I am online now, I hang out here because it is all that interests me these days.

Thank you everyone for your support.

Mary Alice

Are you getting any current treatment for your severe depression, (((((Mary Alice)))))); I know you may not want to, but it's really important that you seek out some treatment, so that you can regain your non-depressed objectivity = tis depressed thinking that causes everything to seem as if it's hopeless. Keeping you in thought & prayer!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Yes I am on meds for the depression. I tried all different ones before my dr. realized that this one seems to keep the mood swings and the irrational anger at least somewhat stabilized. I told him last week, that the Prozac simply isn't working. He thinks the stress of my upcoming surgery is the problem - but I know better. I have tried Zoloft, Paxil, Buspar, and now Prozac.

I have also been seeing my therapist every two weeks, now weekly. Part of the problem is the surgery and not being able to support my family for several months. It doesn't help when my husband keeps moaning about how "we're going to lose everything" because I can't work....makes me feel sooo useful. He constantly complains because he has to pay some of the bills - he refuses to pay for all of them.

I'm worried about my son as well - being in the hospital for 3-5 days will be the first time that I am really away from him. He'll have to deal with my husband's moods on his own without my help.

I watch the dates and it is coming so fast. Thanks, Peanut.

Mary Alice

Is your deadline before or after the surgery? I'm hoping that you are going to at least give it a chance and see if it helps. Of course, it will take time to heal after the surgery before you know if your pain is going to be reduced.

Your son needs you, Mary Alice. If it will be hard for him to have to deal with your husband's moods for 3-5 days while you are in the hospital, when he will be able to at least visit you, how much harder will it be for him to have to deal with all that plus your permanent absence and all the guilt that he will have (children are not rational and do feel guilt for things that are not their fault) for the rest of his life? You mean more than the world to that little boy.

-Wendy

<font color=purple>"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."</font color=purple>

Hi Wendy,

it is supposed to be in Sept., but I have done a few positive things the last couple of days.........I deleted that stupid journal idea, all gone. At work, my boss asked me if I could come in for about 3 hours a day and just sit after a few weeks from surgery - she offered me a part-time management position which is what I used to do all the time. My first thought was, "she's joking, right?" Seems all the managers voted for me as being the best choice. One negative thought kept trying to intrude - if they knew "me" they wouldn't pick me.......they're looking at the surface me......<sigh> I just shut that voice up and basked in the nice feeling for a change. Maybe, just maybe, I can be productive.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} = YAY!! Warmest regards, your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Hey Peanut,

^5

I'm so glad that you have positive things happening! See, you are worth more than you thought to more people than you thought.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have been reading your posts on here and today when I checked in I have a big smile on my face reading about you today.....good for you you should be very proud of yourself. Keep those positive thoughts flowing...there are a lot of people here who care about you.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

Mary Alice,
I get a little more of where your coming from. It makes me sad to know you are suffering so much. First, I would like to come and beat your husband up. He sounds like a real jerk. Living like that cannot be good for you. I hope you will decide to get away. It isn't good for you and it is very unhealthy for your son.
I also am concerned about your son. It would be devastating to be without his mom and to know that you chose that for him will have an effect on him that he may never fully recover from. You may feel useless but the worth of a person is not measured in money it's measured in thier hearts and minds. You seem to me to have a good heart and mind.
Is there any way your T can help you to remove yourself from your marriage situation? Maybe if you could break away from that you would be able to focus on your son and yourself and find a way to live a good life. Life isn't without ups and downs but it doesn't have to be so hard.
I hope you will reconcider your deadline to end it all and use that deadline to be out of a bad marriage.
Heidu

Heidu,

You are more than welcome to come beat him up any time you like I went to work tonight for one hour and while I was there he called me and told me to come home, it had been an hour. Then when I get home, he tells me that I am feeling sorry for myself and should snap out of it. I was so mad.......esp. since I drove tonite for the first time in 2 weeks and my car is a 5 speed. It was terrible on my left leg since that is the one that sustained nerve damage, but I did it....and then he lays that on me. Course his nerves are shot because he "has so much to worry about since I'm not working I can't buy him cigs." I wish my priorities were that self-centered - that I could worry about just me and my wants. Unfortunately I am not made that way - my needs are usually way down at the bottom of the list.

If I am able to get on disability and take care of myself with working part-time I would be able to manage on my own and still be around for my son - to take him to school and pick him up. But yes, my time does feel like is running out - hence the calmness and the shutting down of any feeling.

Thanks for caring though

Mary Alice

Thanks for caring? Of course I care. You see, I have been reading the posts here for months, I have gotten to know a little bit about you along the way. I decided I liked you. I think you are nice. Your struggling, your in pain, your husband is an idiot and I would like to be your friend.
It's tough though. You have a deadline. I don't know when it is. I can put my heart into a friendship and I can take my time to try to help you thru the very difficult time but you have a deadline. One day you'll be gone and I will know what happened and it will break my heart as well as all the other friends you have made on these boards.
I will know that your son is without his mother. My god he's is probably going to be raised by an [censored] father or he'll get juggled around thru the system and his life will end up not much different than yours. There's nothing I can do about that. You have a deadline.
I know I sound harsh, I feel that way. You posted your thoughts and want support and friends. I cannot support you killing yourself and abandoning your son. However, if you want to keep fighting, I will be there to help you and if I can't someone else here will.
You are the one that chooses here but you have to know your choice will affect so many people.
You do have options to get help in an abusive relationship. You can go to a crisis center. If you have no friends and family to help you then get out your phone book, look in the front and find somewhere to get help.
I am sorry but I can't stand by and watch you count down the days till you kill yourself.
Fight to get out of that relationship. I truly believe that is what is keeping you down. It's one thing to deal with a past of pain but when you have to be subjected to verbal abuse every day you don't have a chance. Get away from him and give your son and yourself a chance.
I don't think I could concider myself a friend if I just tipptoed around you and waited for you to die. This is serious.
I send to you a very big, long, warm hug. I have made you a cup of hot chocolate and some of your favorite cookies to snack on. I got you a blanket and we are gonna sit now and watch a chick flick. Miss Congeniality is my favorite so I hope you like it.
Heidu

You don't sound harsh, simply direct and to the point - something which means a great deal to me. Your first few sentences made me laugh - ty. It has been awhile since I've done that. Yes, he is an idiot, to use nice terms.

I have about 6 weeks.......I am trying to get things done and in place. I don't expect you to tiptoe around and wait for me to die - directness always is better and more appreciated.

Two of my doctors agree with you - that he is a major problem and want to help me leave with whatever documentation I may need. I haven't exactly spelled it out, but yes it is an abusive relationship, physical as well as mental. I did at one point get ready to leave and go to a shelter - had everything set up. Then I learned about my back and realized that I needed to be where I am for now.

He is for the most part, a good father. A little low on patience and yells at my son alot - which makes my claws come out and then we have problems. My son is a terrific child - very intelligent for his age. He amazes me sometimes with what he sees.

My T believes that a part of me does not want to leave, because I keep coming back to see him. I know that the moment he senses anything life-threatening, he will break confidentiality and stop me. I have also told him if I sense this I will run............we are leery of one another at times, but I trust him.

At first I wasn't going to answer your question........but I won't lie when directly asked something from someone that I like. I have no wish to upset anyone here, or to cause problems - the reason why I have so far been quiet on the subject.

All I can say is that I am still here, so part of me must be winning. I have no guarantees, but I am still checking into things and waiting on how I heal and what I am able to do.

Hugs and caring are always appreciated.......you are very nice Heidu. Ty.

Mary Alice

Mary Alice,
I can always promise honesty. I am glad I made you laugh a little. Idiot is not my choice of words but you get my point.
Ok, so everything was set up and you were ready to go but something got in the way. Your surgery was definately a reason to put plans on hold. But now it's done. You are pushing yourself like crazy to get back to work so you can buy the idiot cigs. Why not take 1/2 that energy and use it to make YOUR life better. Talk to your Doc's again. Get it set up.
You have 6 weeks. You won't solve all your problems but you can get a good start on getting your life in order.
Ok, so for the most part he is a good father despite the yelling. My mother was a good mother despite the yelling. I was yelled at alot. It did do damage to me. Does a good father abuse his sons mother? I think not. A good father shows his child how to treat a woman, a mother, a human being.
If your amazed sometimes by what your sons sees then really think about what he is seeing. Is it healthy for him?
He can still have his father and he will still remain close if you leave. Lots of kids have divorced parents. Its sad but it's life and sometimes it is necessary.
From what I see, you are paying most of the bills, doing most of the work and you can make it on your own with some help to get started. You have that. You have a good T who wants to help, you have us here to do whatever we can to get you thru this and you will be a the crisis center where you are safe and will get help to get started again.
You are here. Part of you is winning. There is a part of you who wants to live and there is a part of you that is strong. I know what it feels like to want to end the fight. To be so tired of just getting thru the day.
You are a person. You deserve a life, a good life. Your son deserves a stable home where he is loved and can grow, not just physically but emotionally. You can give that to him.
I see two very large obsticles for you. They are big, I won't pretend.. One is your back. I know your in pain. You've had your surgery and now are in recovery. Hopefully if you dont overdo it things can improve for you. I know recovery is hard. I had surgery myself last a year ago and the recovery (2 month of pain) was pure hell but it got better.
The second is your marriage. You know what I think there.
I truly believe that as your back starts healing and you remove yourself from this marriage you will see things very differently. Life will look different. You will see hope and possibilities. I truely believe that.
You are living on your own basically now except you have this huge life sucking leech on your back 24/7. Get him off and life will look so much lighter.
Heidu

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have to echo what Heidu is saying to you too hun. I have been there and take it from me....use this energy to take care of you and your son.

I was in an abusive marriage too and was planning for my "way out". I was tired of the abuse...physically and emotionally drained of everything that he was putting me through. I came so close to driving into that bridge and decided to stop the car right then. All I saw was my son's face and thought to myself - what if I don't succeed? What if I don't die? He is going to be growing up with a Mom that needs constant care all his life and I also didn't want him to think I did this to him...I would have left him alone with his father. From that moment I knew things had to change for him and me. I drove back home - packed the ex's bags and that was it. I had no family support then either. I was tired of the financial drain he put on me. I was like you...I supported him financially as well....only difference was that he didn't look after our son while I was working....I was on my own then too.

Do you know what though? It was the absolute best thing I have ever done my whole life . It was hard - believe me- so very hard but it was sooo worth it. I ended up losing my house (I made the money but he controlled it- he didn't make a few mortgage payments while we were married and I didn't know this til I went to renew the mortgage a few months after he was gone...house was foreclosed as I couldn't come up with the arrears - and no family support - oh well ) Still I wouldn't change a thing. To this day I still do not get any financial support from him and to be honest with you - it makes me feel better not getting anything from him. My son still sees his dad - they now have a good relationship and I try to encourage that through gritted teeth. I only want my son to be happy and if seeing his dad helps right now then so be it. He is almost 8 now and is like your son...very intelligent for his age. He is ahead of his peers in school and very mature as well. I am so very proud of him and I know that my choice I made that day contributed to that.
I went on to get my health together.....met a terrific guy - had another child...things are good.

Please reconsider your thoughts {{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}} it can be done....I've been there hun and I am living proof that life can be better when you make the right choice. Yes you are here and your strength will keep you here too. We all care for you.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>