I feel so ashamed

Lately, we have been spending a lot of time together and I saw that his behavior improved, and he cut back on the drinking.. the other day I came over and the friend that he cut off that Is a trigger was over and my heart sank.. I saw his behavior get bad, he lashed out at me over something petty and I left. I tried to call him today to talk to him, but he’s not responding to texts or taking calls.. which this was his behavior before. He would ignore me 1 sometimes 2 days and revealed later he was depressed.. I get that but how long does it take to reply to a text? More than likely, he’s back to drinking during the week And has fell off the wagon.... I feel that he’s jealous of my child too..my son is sensitive and affectionate child..he’s 14, abs still likes to give me kisses and hugs..my ex had told bf that him kissing his mom is not appropriate at his age..what?? He never received love from his mom, Is controlling, and I’m seeing feeling sick and ashamed that I was fooled and let him back into his life..he was sober, we were working out at the gym, etc..

Gymgirl, you do realize that you had another thread and talked about going no contact and you were told by several members what would happen "again" if you gave in and went back to this guy.

This guy is an ALCOHOLIC, cutting back doesn't work. Not only that but he is STILL all about his disease and every time you get sucked back into a relationship with him you face the SAME problems.

yes..I realize that..I had false hope

What do you like so much about him to keep trying with him rather than finding someone new who meets your needs?

I can’t put my finger on thst one..hrs attractive but so are a lot of people. Not like he takes me out or makes me feel wanted ..maybe it’s the challenge of it..

Gymgirl, that's not a challenge you have any chance gaining from. This guy has to fix himself YOU can't do that for him.

You have to get to why you keep going back and keep getting hurt, otherwise you are going to waste too many good years on this guy instead of finding someone you could have a caring two way relationship with.

Being with this man sends your son wrong messages that that’s how good relationships are and that’s how men should treat women or that being wasted on a regular basis is the way to go.

This man told your son he shouldn’t be kissing his mom? Say what? Or he said to someone else? Who is your ex? I am so confused.

He shouldn’t be around your son or make comments about your son. Why is he allowed to comment about your son? I’d not tolerate my husband make critical comments about my kid from first marriage (he wouldn’t, but hypothetically speaking). I sure don’t think someone I slept with should ever say anything about my daughter. Where is your sons father? Is he ok with all this?

Please consider well being of your son. That’s not right

@Gymgirl71, I'm very sad to see you stuck in such a maddening addiction cycle with this man. You are addicted to this relationship and to fixing this man. It's masochistic and self-destructive. It's so very hard to see you continue the cycle over and over again, when it's SO destructive to YOU, your mental health and your well-being. I cannot give any more advice on this matter than I already have. I do hope you see the light one day and get yourself out of this madness, for your own health, your sanity, and your happiness. You deserve SO much better. Please know this.

He said to my son, and my son had enough sense to tell me, “why can’t I kiss you, your my mom”?

This dynamic is coming from your own childhood where you constantly had to deal with a parent, probably father that never gave you the love and attention you needed and deserved. If I recall you said your father was also an alcoholic. You have been trying to FIX something you could never fix as a child and you tried to love your father as most children do, despite the fact that your father had a disease/addiction and was not capable of giving you the kind of love you deserved. You actually learned to accept rejection and not having healthy and safe attention, it's what you KNOW and why you keep going back with this guy.

Your own healing will never come from trying to fix this other individual, instead it's going to come from walking away from getting involved with that kind of person and instead choosing to FINALLY engage in a much healthier relationship.

Also, you don't want to teach your son that it's ok to engage in a relationship where the other person behaves this way right? Your son NEEDS you to show him how to say NO and walk away. That will be something he will need to know how to do for the rest of his life.

Thank you...your SO right..I do try to fix this guy and it drives me nuts. He has too many problems...I can’t fix it only he can. But I can’t be around it either..it’s heartbreaking..he doesn’t know how to love properly and probably never will..

Yes, and this is familiar to you and you need to understand that familiar simply does not mean "safe" or even rewarding for you personally.

A member posted this in another thread and I think it would be a good book for you to get and read too. When a person grows up with an alcoholic parent that's growing up with an immature parent and it can leave long lasting affects on a person. I think it would help you to really understand YOUR own unmet needs so you don't keep ending up reaching out in a relationship that's just never going to fill YOUR needs.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Pare... - Kindle

you are ashamed because he is a drunk and angry because you show love to your son? did I get that right?

if so, then I am confused. going back to this guy and allowing him co troll over your life is just repeating the cycle of abuse and u healthy relationship. you are an adult and have the ability to opt out. since there is a child involved personally I would take whatever action is for the best of my child, but I am not you. you need to weight the decision carefully....the relationship with this man or your son, which one is of more value to you at this point. nothing to be ashamed of, because ultimately it is indeed your call, but you need to make one. no waffling, it isn't fair to either the boyfriend or the son.

He shouldn’t be allowed around your son let alone make comments about or to your son. As a single adult you can date or otherwise spend time with who ever you want to. But he cannot be around your kid and if you are around someone like this dude, please don’t bring your son around dysfunction.

You keep focusing on why is this guy the way he is all while your son is direct and indirect victim of this dysfunction. Take focus off this man and whatever childhood he had and bring focus to your son. It’s not ok to expose your son to this life style. While you keep analyzing this dude’s childhood and your own upbringing, your child has less than desirable childhood because he is after thought after this man. Analyzing this man can’t be that important!

Please take it seriously or seek help

Then why do you keep going back? You come to the same conclusions every single time, then go back again. I am not trying to be harsh on you -- the opposite -- I am trying to get you to see that your attempts are totally futile with this man. It's like trying to get blood from a rock! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

sometimes it is easy to see faults in other people's behavior that just seem wrong but yet get repeated...

When you become a parent your focus must shift into making wise choices for your child. You are the grown up... if you want to waste time on this bum than do it when your child is with trusted family members or friends, school or whatever. But you don’t allow your son to see you with him, he insults you , treats your terrible. You need to raise your son to be a good Man , A good human being .. That guy your trying to fix ? Is neither and likely never would be.

Decide to be single for a while Therapy could help you learn to spot red flags before things explode or you waste time with a Focus on your self esteem and self worth. You deserve caring love and respect.

When I dated after my divorce ? My daughter was 6 , I was single by choice for over a year and a half . I needed time to heal from divorce.

I did not introduce my daughter to anyone I was dating for at least 4 months if not a bit longer. Many guys got annoyed that I only have a certain amount of available time when she was with her dad or my parents.

This is just my opinion .... children don’t need to meet everyone mommy or daddy dates.

Learn to be selective . I’m not saying someone must be perfect , I’m saying someone needs to be fundamentally a good human being.

You say he has no redeeming qualities and nothing to offer you. So you just like a challenge to do what with a man who isn’t that into you and does nothing for you. What are you trying to do and get him to be? You are trying to turn garbage into gold. That’s more than just a challenge. That’s a fruitless waste of time.

Have you had a pattern with these kinds of relationships? Have you ever had a healthy one? What is the relationship like with your son’s father?

You have an intense addiction with this issue. Do you see a therapist? It’s really too complicated for us to really be able to help you much on here.

I would also want to put my son first and protect him from seeing a distraught mother in toxic relationships. I’m not really one to talk when it comes to this, as I have been in a marriage that set a bad example. The underlying issue for your problem may be the same as with mine.

I get it, Gymgirl, bad habits are very hard to break. Every day is a new start to improve.

it’s ok..I need tough love. He literally flipped out because a household item of his was stained and when I didn’t answer yes or no he lost it..he is really a total control freak. I understand not wanting things ruined but who lashes out at a person over it? A sociopath that’s who..I asked him to bring me my things..he says he needs space so aka punishing me..and then had no regards for my feelings..let him be someone else’s problem, I’m sick of feeling this way.

Here is an idea: make a copy of your latest post, carry it around with you, and read it many times whenever you are tempted to see him again.

@Bill3 had a good idea.

In addition to that, once I wrote out ALL things that an ex did that meant I shouldn't be with him -- everything he did that upset me, that disappointed me, that made me feel like I should walk away -- and I carried that list around with me in my wallet and referred to it each time I thought I would go back. It worked. I even wrote down all the times he called me nasty names, and included the nasty words in my list of negatives.

You have labelled this man as a sociopath and a narcissist.

I am wondering if you personally feel defeated by walking away from him? Like YOU lost the battle? As though YOU somehow couldn't make it work? Do you feel responsible for making this relationship work? It seems you carry that on your shoulders.

Remember that it's HIM. He is an alcoholic and a narcissist. You cannot change those things.

yes..I think I feel that I failed

Honey, it's not YOU that failed. You didn't fail at anything. HE failed YOU.

You cannot change this person. I think you took it upon yourself to change and mold him into what you needed and wanted. That doesn't work -- not ever.

And we cannot take ALL the responsibility of a relationship on our shoulders. It's not YOU that needs to make this relationship work. He failed to step up to the plate to give you what you needed and wanted the most. He is who he is, and that will never change.

Know this. Don't keep going back trying to mold him into someone he is not.

Please absorb what I am saying, and carry these thoughts around with you. It's NOT your fault. It's NOT your responsibility. HE is not your responsibility.

You didn’t fail. It’s not your job to make him a better person. He failed himself. Now you can focus on yourself and your son and not failing you and him. This guy is an adult and can take care of his own life and business. You can do it