[betty_3]

My fiance's family has banned me from their family gatherings. I have done nothing to deserve this, except provide a reality check on their lifestyles. They live in a fantasy world and I live in the real world. What can I do? Any words of wisdom to get thru this would be appreciated.

[ghost]

since i don't really know the circumstances under which this has happened all i can really suggest is that you just go on about your business, concentrate on your own family and friends, and try not to let it bother you-- if they're so inconsiderate that they're willing to shut you out, try not to let it get you down, because they might be happy to see they've broken you down with their hatred. don't let it happen.

keep your chin up,
ghost

[Meachie]

wow sorry to hear that you have been excluded. Now I don't know all of what happend but there are two different ways of dealing with this. If you really want to be included again maybe you could promise not to bring up sore subjects anymore. I learned long ago that criticism isn't helpful in most situations. If this is something you can live with and truly feel that you cannot sit by and let them do what ever they are doing then just carry on with your life. Though not being a part of their life will probally not make your relationship with fiance any easier. Relationships with inlaws are always touchy. I know so many normal people that struggle. I have found that being forgiving is the easiest way for me to deal with mine, though at some times I can't stand to be around them(like right now). This seems to pass after a bit though. To err is human forgive divine. Good luck :-)

Meachie

[betty_3]

To explain the circumstances further, my fiance, my sons and I were at a 4th of July celebration at my fiance's sister's house. All of his family was there. His sister's 5 year old daughter was wearing a dress and was showing her panties to everyone. I mentioned kindly and privately to the girl's mother that I thought it would be a good idea for the girl to wear shorts under her dress or wear shorts. The next day, the girl's mother (my fiance's sister), his mother, and 2 other sisters got together and banned me from future family gatherings and celebrations. They made up even more reasons to justify their actions to my fiance.

My fiance and I and my son had been invited on an all expense paid vacation (by his mother) to visit another sister that was to begin today. I was banished but my fiance and my son's were still invited but didn't go. This was quite a shock to find out that they hated me so much.

I am devistated.

[Meachie]

Jeez from the sounds of it they are mistreating you. You could also ask hubby to talk with them and make sure they know that he is on your side and by distancing themselves from you they are also distancing themselves from him. I think it would be a good idea though to offer to stop the criticism just to show that you are willing to stop doing whatever is offending them. It doesn't sound that that is your goal though.

[betty_3]

I was victimized at the same age as the little girl and by ones very close to me. This was under my parent's nose. I just didn't want this dear little one to be victimized too. My mom wouldn't let me wear anything but dresses --and I was a tomboy.

How can I talk to this mother without making it even worse? I'm already crushed...and have PTSD.

[shakes]

Betty,
I am sorry that this is happening to you. It seems that your advice was taken in a wrong way. I can completely understand why you would have said something and see how you meant nothing by it.
Does your hubby's family know about your past abuse? If they do then maybe I would consider sitting down with this woman and discussing how what has happened to you in the past affected the way that you viewed the situation and that you meant nothing by it.
If they do not, I wish I could recommend telling them, but I do not think it is a good idea. If they became so rude after a off hand remark that was meant well then I do not know how they would handle hearing about your past abuse. I am sorry for that.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[gloria]

My guess is that there is more than this for them to ban you. Perhaps more misunderstandings, but this sounds more like one of those incidents that touch the limit and they "had it with you"! (shame on them).
I'd try to spend time understanding more where they are coming from to find a way to make things work. That doesn't mean that you and them need to become best friends, not at all, but it is important that all of you can have at least a peaceful relationship, even if it is just superficial, specially if you are marrying your fiancee.

By the way, your fiancee is a keeper, I think it speaks tons about him the fact that he didn't go on that vacation and stood by you.

gab

[betty_3]

Update: My fiance's monther now has told her son that she should talk to me. Why isn't his monther talking to me directly? Incidently, the banishment came to me thru my fiance (a triangle). She didn't even talk to me initially.

Does anyone make sense of the tactics that my fiance's mother is using?

[Sesquix]

I say cut out the middle man. THe fiance could be using his own tactics. He should tell his mother from now on if she has a problem with you, then she should tell you and not him. You don't need to add more stress to the relationship. Does he stand up for you regarding this banishment?

[shakes]

Betty,
It seems as though she is using your fiance as a buffer to relay messages. I completely agree with you that she should be talking to you and not him and it shows a lack of maturity on her part because she is not.
It seems that as kids we were always raised to talk to others when we have problems, but as adults so very few people actually do this. Many just seem to resort to gossip or going through others.
I wish the best for you in your conversation with her.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[betty_3]

Initially, my fiance stood up for me and now it seems that he is a little shakey in that area. Other members of his family are "secretly" contacting him thru e-mail. I don't mind their contact except he isn't saying much about it to me.

During this same call, his mom also "guilted him" for not calling or e-mailing his sister that lives 3 states away on her birthday. All of the rest of his family was with her (the trip we missed.) This normally wouldn't bother me except that this sister didn't even acknowledge our engagement for over one month. His mother never has asked to see my engagement ring nor talked about our wedding plans.

During his life, his mother has controlled him and his sisters thru guilt and shame while trying to present a "Beaver Cleaver family" image to the rest of the world. This is all so confusing and hurts.

[shakes]

Argh!
That sounds so frustrating. You must have an immense amount of patience and love for you fiance to beable to marry into this family.
I wish the best for you.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[betty_3]

Thanks for putting it in a different perspective for me. I have been so shocked by this family's behavior. To me it is emotional abuse of not only me but my fiance. I shielded my sons from it but that has been hard since I've been so emotional. Fiance has been sketchy and doesn't want to talk much about it. I have told him that I need awhile (maybe a month) to let her get it settled in her mind so she and he rest of his family is not so reactionary.

I am worried if I do it sooner that it will only be a superficial change or understanding and that it will happen again. I'm also concerned that I will say something that I will later be sorry for...like breaking it off with fiance. Fiance will have a chance to show his colors, too.

Thank you everyone for your input. Also, I will try to talk only to her at first to get fiance out of the middle. That, too, was a good suggestion

[Eezer]

i hope u banned them from ur own family gatherings, cos i know for a fact i would, and i would refuse to do *anything* at all to help or aide them with any probs they might have, they rejected u and they deserve rejection back , just my opinion but i dont know the full story only u do

love eezer

[(JD)]

Sorry this has happened to you

and

GLAD this has happened to you BEFORE you married!

Get out of this relationship or at the very least, don't make it worse by

getting married yet!

Well, you said ANY advice.... I tend to try and say pithy things that

no one else has said exactly.<font color=purple>

People like this don't change. Your finance' won't change much from the way it is now... it's HIS family remember? Marriage does NOT change ppl just because.

You need to take care of YOU. This is NOT what you need not now (actually Ican't think of needing this ever.. but then...)

Please I know this is not what you want to hear because you are "in love and everything can be wonderful if" but please listen to us there are plenty of us who have been in or have friends who have.. the same situation and it doesn't get any better.<font color=green>

Once you compound it by marriage... well why DO that? Read some of the posts in the other forums about spouses and their families and their pleas for help. Right now you still make your own decisions... obviously your fiance' does not.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[Meachie]

I have issues with my inlaws too. Mostly it is my abilities to perceive situations that cause my problems and other problems in the family. I try to put on a happy face during gatherings but I really get fired up when my MIL is manipulating others in the family and it is hard.

My marriage counselor has really helped me to look at it from a non judgemental perspective. She said some people thrive on conflict especially if they grow up with it. She also said that MIL probally feels threatened by me and that it isn't something to take personally. She told me that I can only be who I am and that is really it. She also told me to talk to hubby about it. These things have helped us.

Just remember it is almost always difficult with inlaws. Ask a group of people how they feel about their inlaws and most will agree it is difficult for one reason or another. If you love this man it will be worth working to deal with these people no matter how crazy they are.

Meachie

[betty_3]

I'm sure that this quarrel is not over yet--just postponed. IF I marry my fiancee, every holiday or special event where we use to be together is going to be marred by the sadness of this situation. There is much to consider. IF I marry my fiancee and he is not loyal to me (his new family) I will probably feel abandoned and that he doesn't really love me and is not loyal to me. IF I marry my fiancee and he is loyal only to me, he will miss his family and begin to resent me. It goes on and on...

At this point, I feel like their stance on all of this has been emotionally abusing and I ask myself, "why do I want to be around someone so hurtful and damaging?" I can only say that I think that I wouldn't choose to be around such people if it were not for my fiancee. Aargh!!!

[betty_3]

I could still use your advice on this. The newest is that my fiance's mother wants to see the counselor that I suggested and wants both my s/o and I there. She has set nothing up. My fiance has seen no one in his family since this incident.

So far, she has not apologized in any way nor has anyone else in the family. In fact, one sister and one brother-in-law who sent a "banishment e-mail" to my fiance have resumed e-mailing him and acts as if nothing has happened, except that i am blatantly excluded.

I just don't know what to do. It is causing both my s/o and I alot of sadness and confusion. Has anyone gone thru this? What would you advise?

[mandala]

Hi,

I had a lot of problems with my inlaws (still do, but my reactions have changed over the years).

We, at one point, did counseling. My inlaws chose the person and gave her inaccurate information. It was pretty awful.

However, it sounds as though you chose the counsellor, and your "mother in law" is reaching out now. I think this might be an opportunity to reach some reconcilliation.

I wouldn't expect an apology, before or after counselling.. I am sure your inlaws feel justfied in what they have done. Even if you reconcile, an apology is not necessary. (Would be nice, but, lots ofthings would be nice.)

You need to think about what you want... do you want to reconcile, for the sake of your relationship/engagement/children/fiance? Can you handle knowing that there are negative feelings about you and that they will arise occasionally? (It is unlikely that will magically go completely away after such a breach.)

All in all, I think meeing with a counsellor would be a good idea, since it was originally your idea, and your choice of counsellor.

Hope this helps.

[Meachie]

I was glad to read you are going to the counselor. This should help some. It is a good sign they are willing to do this with you. Let us know how it goes! Good luck!

Meachie

[betty_3]

So...now his sister is e-mailing him and trying to get him to join the "family" for breakfast...blantantly excluding me. Aargh!!!