Am I overreacting?

Actually, it sounds like this boyfriend is very narcissistic. That's like committing to a nasty prickerbush, nothing caring, respectful and honest, just all about self.

Good post. In a relationship where an issue is not resolved, and there is stonewalling, there will be continuing ''discomfort'' on both sides, and eventually the relationship might end.

I was also thinking the boyfriend sounds very narcissistic, having been on the receiving end of Narcissists who are not caring, not honest, not respectful, like a bush full of tainted prickles and all about themselves.

Yes, my older brother says stay away from narcissists because they are nothing but nasty briar bushes that prick you every time you get near them.

@Embarrassing, are you still with us? I hope you're not overwhelmed by all the responses on here.

Many different opinions have been offered. I've stated many times myself that it ultimately comes down to how YOU feel about his porn habit, whether YOU can live with it or not, and whether YOU feel you can trust him. It doesn't matter what any of us think because we all have differing opinions on porn and whether it's healthy in a relationship or not. Some people say it's perfectly healthy, and some say it's damaging.

What matters is your own feelings on this, and if it hurts your feelings, pay attention to that and don't dismiss it.

And to answer your questions directly, it's not up to YOU to build the trust. It's up to your boyfriend to not lie to you and to REBUILD the trust with YOU.

Since you need to discuss this with him, even if it's uncomfortable for him, I would ask him point blank: are you talking to women sexually on Snapchat or otherwise? Be prepared that he may lie to you about this, and he may not give you a straight answer. He may shut down again and refuse to discuss it in detail with you. IF he does that, I think you have your answers. A healthy relationship involves open and honest communication. If that doesn't exist, you will have a very difficult marriage and it will be dysfunctional and problematic.

The problem is is that he's hidden this Snapchat Premium from you for the last two years. You now know that this type of Premium account involves sexual chat and personal sexual 1:1 encounters.

Can you trust him even if you try to speak with him about this? Just know that you may not get straight answers.

I know that you love him, that you feel he is your best friend, and that you feel you are compatible otherwise, which makes it all so very difficult and that much more painful to walk away. But this is VERY important, especially if you are talking about getting married and having children.

You have to ask yourself: is this how I want to live the rest of my life? The potential for continued secrecy is very high.

Excellent post Hope!

Yes I am still here and reading all of these. Some of this is just hard to hear. I am an insecure person I guess and I just hadn’t realized until I got into a relationship. The porn does truly make me very uncomfortable and I I have spent the last few days trying to think about if I can really live with it or not. And sadly the lying and porn use aren’t the only red flags I’ve noticed and decided to ignore.. I guess I just love him so much I thought I could fix or learn to live with all of his flaws. I tend to only see the good in people even if there isn’t much. Sometime I think he really could be a narcissist and other times I just think he’s young and a tad selfish which isn’t so bad. But I think I do need to be real with myself and him and have the difficult conversation I guess I’m just still unsure of what outcome I want to see. Even if he agreed to never look at porn again I wouldn’t believe him and I would feel so guilty for asking. I do have a very hard time talking about difficult conversations not just with him but everyone in my life. I appreciate all the kindness and encouragement from everyone on here it means so much to me. It was extremely hard for me to post on here because I am such a private person and I tend to deal with all of my problems alone. I get embarrassed really easily so even though there are 50 comments on here the ones that sink in the most are the negative ones but I think I need to hear those too. I have been wanting to go to counseling now for quite some time to work on my insecurity and depression issues I think pretending they don’t exist isn’t working for me anymore. And maybe with some help I can find the strength I need to leave or the security within myself to actually accept him

We have discussed the this a little bit and he has said he doesn't actually speak to any of the women or pay for anything on there he just watches/ views their snapchats and I do think he's telling the truth about that but , all snapchats are only able to be viewed once and then disappear unless it is sent to your "story" which can be viewed by friends for up to 24hrs. So if he was talking to them all evidence would be gone by now any way. Just the fact that this was all done on snapchat which is kinda the sneakiest app out there makes me feel more insecure. But I think everyone on here is right I think the main issues are his lying & not respecting my boundaries-he knew I view porn as cheating I made that clear from the beginning and my own insecurity issues & attempts to change him ( since I also have known he does this since very early on) I guess I just wish he would have told me he had no intentions of quitting from that start so we could have handled or ended things years ago. Again I really appreciate everyone respecting my feelings so much, you all are teaching me to show myself the same respect I have received from all of you. Thank you

HI Embarrassing. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are in such a difficult relationship. You are a sincere and compassionate person but there is so much going on with them that it may be time to put any decisions for the future on pause.

Unfortunately, in my experience, we do not change other people. We can only change how we react to the person and situation. A professional counselor may give you a more informed opinion of what to do or lead you through the options.

I hear that you are confused and hurt by this situation. If I felt as uncertain as you express in your first post, I would make sure to use precautions in case there is another woman[or women] and also to avoid unplanned baby and postpone marriage until all my doubts were alleviated.

Where I am coming from in my own experience in several relationships, is that when things did not seem to be going as planned, that it continued that way. It did not get better. It often got worse. So where I am after all this is just being a lot more careful about relationships and commitments. If I stay with someone it is with open eyes and no expectations of things changing.

But what you do is up to you because you are the one that will experience the consequences of whatever you decide. I hope you get the support you are looking for. If a counselor or therapist is not possible even a support group might help.

Feel free to reply to this post or send a PM if you prefer to message in private.
@CANDC

Dear Embarrassing...Thank you for your candid post. I want to tell you that where you are in your life is Okay. It's okay to feel insecure and to embarrass easily, despite that being difficult for you. Someday you won't be in this spot emotionally, but right now you are, and it's ok. It is not okay for anyone to be harsh and make you you (or anyone else), feel badly for having thoughts and feelings that differ from their own. Some people have different perspectives, and have emotional reactions, and do not know how to appropriately express them to another person. This is also, a mental health forum, and everyone is in a different place in their lives, like you. So if you can, keep that in mind when reading the negative comments. It's hard! And it doesn't make it okay for them to say hurtful / rude things. It's an explanation though, and a way to not take their words as personally.


As for your boyfriend and you, and after all you've said, I will say, do what's best for you in this moment. That may not necessarily mean "leave him yesterday." I hope you know though, that your feelings are very valid. Some people, as some have stated in this thread even, like to watch porn in their relationships and don't have an issue with it. Some, do not like this. There is no right or wrong. I can hear you wanting to...needing an answer about this that makes you feel okay. I wonder if some of that has to do with your boyfriend acting like it's no big deal? Or others acting like it's not big deal? And also from your own insecurity? Insecurity is no small thing. It eats us up inside. But really, I'd like to see you respect where you're at. I'd also like to see you someday feel like you do not have to change how you feel to suit others, the possible "majority" etc. It's (watching porn) a big deal for some though. And it's a big deal for you. And that's okay. That means your a fully functioning complex and diverse human who has rights and deserves respect.


You mentioned you were wanting to seek counseling. I fully support this. Counseling with a good counselor could really help you. Maybe that's where you need to go first before you try to figure this all out about what to do with your bf.

Hi. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. (((( hugs)))

Since the porn makes you very uncomfortable and you’ve made your feelings very clear to your partner, he still isn’t respecting your feelings by continuing his habit AND by lying to you about it.

I don’t think he will stop for your benefit. He will just get better at hiding it.

Guess you need to decide if you really can marry someone who has a porn habit/porn addiction. And how will you feel about it if you do marry him.

To me, it seems this is an important and glaring incompatibility. I don’t think you need to work on your insecurity over a porn habit. Many women feel exactly as you do about it. You’re not alone in feeling that way. But it would be an acceptance on your part of something that you don’t like and which makes you feel cheated on.

It’s a tough situation. If it were me, I would be so angry and hurt over being lied to. That would be a dealbreaker for me. But it’s up to you to decide what’s best for YOU. Only you know what’s best.

Hang in there.

I was in a relationship with alcoholic, I hoped he’d quit and he tried but never fully did. I’d hate to say I wasted my time but now being happilly married to someone who doesn’t drink at all I think why I wasted so many years... sadly this guy won’t stop watching porn and likely lying so you have some choices to make...

we are here for you regardless what you decide

Based on your post, it seems you feel bad for asking him to stop, when it is within your right to ask your partner to stop behaviors that hurt you. But as I stated before, I don't think he would stop for your benefit; I suspect he would just get better at hiding it.

It also seems, based on what you're telling us, that you may be settling for far less than what you may truly want and deserve. It's wise to not just believe the best in someone. You have to view the person realistically, flaws and positives, and decide if they truly are compatible with you.

Just because we may love someone doesn't mean they are marriage material for us or compatible for the long-haul.

Maybe try to use logic rather than emotion while determining if this is truly what you want and need. Our emotional side can get in the way of making the wisest decisions for ourselves and can blind us to the realities.

I feel for you. I really do. I can see how difficult this is for you.

You don't have to put up with his behaviors. You could easily meet another guy who doesn't engage in those porno activities. I wouldn't trust him and you should leave as promised because there's no telling what you're getting into by being with a porn addict. I've been in a relationship with someone just like him and he was horrible I can only imagine what you are going through. He was always cheating on me and he chased after very young women even in his forties. He stayed out all weekend and longer...it just went on and on.

@Embarrassing, as an FYI: I read a story on another forum about a female involved with a porn addict. She said it ripped her life and her self esteem to shreds. He also lied about it and hid it from her. As it turns out, he hid another girlfriend from her too. Not to scare you, but as an FYI.