Am I overreacting?

I'd also just like to point out that porn and cam girls are not exactly the same thing. The Snap chat thing is with a cam girl. It's a 1:1 thing and many people would have issue with that, including me.

In the ene you have to decide what's right for you. You know how it makes you feel. And you know he doesn't respect that. Do you want to marry someone who has lied to you and made you feel bad about yourself? Seriously consider that. Perhaps it's something to work through, but I wouldn't want to start a marriage that way.

Maybe the OP is asking, would other people walk away if they REALLY didnt like something? My parents had advised me to trick someone into marrying, whatever it took, then force him to do things my way after we were married. Maybe the OP is wondering if there is better advice to be had than something like that.

My answer is, you decide what compromise you can live with. You take responsibility for your decisions. I knew a perfectly nice guy but he smoked pot a lot. I wasnt willing to have that in my life. I lost out on a lot of good stuff - life with him could have been pretty good, if i look at how he turned out. Things i REALLLLLY wanted. And now pot is legal in our state.

That is what im saying we need to look at. Anybody who is trying to decide something for somebody else. Make the decision FOR YOURSELF and live with THAT. I wouldnt advise closing your eyes to a lie - but decide you choose to live with it. Nobody's perfect.

I mean, regardless of what it's about, I wouldn't stay with someone lying to me or making promises that they then break.

Trust and respect in a relationship is significant. I don't advise committing to someone you can't trust and who doesn't respect you. It's a bad place to start from period.

Someone asked why he didn’t just say that he wouldn’t stop the porn instead of lying about it. If he had told the truth, how would you have reacted? Would that have been a deal breaker? Would you have accepted his porn habit? He probably lied because it was a way to keep you, as he has no intention of giving up the porn.

This is just about boundaries. It could be any boundary.

I held firm to a boundary of mine and I lost one of my most important relationships. My feelings are that if that person truly cared to have a good relationship with me and truly loved me, they would have compromised.

Boyfriend refusing to talk about it is stonewalling--a great destroyer of relationships.

@Embarrassing, you initially stated that his habit of looking at naked women and porn makes you uncomfortable and insecure. Now you’re saying it doesn’t?

If it truly does make you uncomfortable, honor your true feelings. Don’t cower away from how you truly feel just because a member here wants you to think it’s his right to privacy. You have rights too in this relationship. A relationship involves compromises and sometimes sacrifices.

This is clearly a habit of his that he won’t stop doing. Are you prepared to fully accept that? Or will you continue to feel uncomfortable and insecure while he secretly looks at porn and images of naked women?

Stay true to your own feelings on this and don’t let members here sway you on how you really feel. You were willing or threatening to leave him if he didn’t stop. It was important enough to you that you threatened to leave. Again, honor your true feelings.

Your own words:

"I feel so insecure and betrayed and cheated on."

Honor those feelings. They are real and they are valid.

And yes the lying is a big red flag. Pay attention.

And this is what Premium Snapchat is:

"Premium Snapchat is when a person sets up a premium Snapchat account, which is a term commonly used to mean they share content of an adult sexual nature in return for cash."

He may even be selling his own pictures on there, for all you know. What do you really know of what he is doing? Do you know if he participates in live Web cam chatting with women on porn sites, for example?

If he won’t even talk about it, that’s not a healthy relationship dynamic. He’s probably hiding more from you than you know about.

This is quite possible. I imagine that one reason for his secrecy is your threat to leave. If nothing negative actually happens to him, if you even marry him, he could be emboldened to practice his habit more openly.

I wonder if his interest in porn is actually an addiction. Have you googled porn addiction? There is a lot out there.

For example, stonewalling, defensiveness about using can be signs of an addiction.

Sometimes you just have to make people uncomfortable.

In general, how easy is it for you to bring up difficult stuff with people? Sometimes it is necessary to address difficult, uncomfortable stuff.

How will it be for you if you are married and he is using porn as much or more, with less secrecy, and you cannot bring it up because he is "uncomfortable"? You are then married both to him and to porn.

@Bill3, I suspect it's an addiction as well. It sure seems like it is.

@Embarrassing, please read this article. It may help you to determine your feelings and stance on this issue with your boyfriend. It talks about WHY pornography is harmful to a relationship, to intimacy within the relationship and how it is damaging to a female partner in the relationship.

From the article Is Porn Cheating?:

"Here are a couple of ways porn harms us and our partners. Porn gives a high that is very addictive, leading to the need for more and more in order to feel satisfied.

Women can become especially hurt by their partners who watch porn. Female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen -- they are actors of male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.

Watching porn can create unreal expectations and when these expectations aren’t met there is disappointment, disconnect and a breakdown in intimacy.

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"?

Here's what Dr. Phil believes:

- It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

-Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.

-Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.

-Viewing internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

-You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship."

^What can happen in a relationship where an issue is not resolved, is you continue to argue about it with no resolution. The fighting escalates and you eventually leave over it or you get worn down and complacent.

Everyone on this thread makes good points. Best wishes to you, OP. You have lots to think about.

@TishaBuv, my point on here is that the OP originally stated it makes her feel insecure and like she's been cheated on, which are very valid and real feelings she should not ignore or brush under the rug just because certain members here believe that porn is OK and acceptable. She should make up her own mind about it, and also honor her true feelings about it.

Absolutely!

One, please stop misquoting me in your posts, whether or not you were referring to me in particular in this one. I dont do that to you.

Two, this is comparing apples and oranges. He has a right, she has a right. Only, his is an action, hers is a REaction. What self-initiated ACTION would she be willing to give up because it makes him insecure, or because he doesnt LIKE it? THAT would be apples and apples.

Some couples are together who have different political affiliations. They dont insist the other change, nor do they split up, but i would think they do make each other uncomfortable, insecure, or even disrespected in this area.

Unless you want to say that porn is a SIN or some sort of absolute wrong of which you are the arbiter/Pope, in which case i would say, this is why they dont let the Pope marry

Una, I refuse to argue with you, so please stop trying to argue with me, huh? I am trying to help the OP. Please keep in mind that this is not a personal debate about our different stances on porn. This is about the OP's feelings on the matter. By continuing to debate with me and argue with me, it's not helping the OP in any way. You're not respecting the OP's feelings that it DOES make her feel insecure and uncomfortable, which is what she originally stated. Stating that she's acting like the pope is insulting to the OP. Please just let it go and focus on trying to help the OP, and not on me or what I've written. You're arguing for the sake of arguing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna Some couples are together who have different political affiliations. They dont insist the other change, nor do they split up, but i would think they do make each other uncomfortable, insecure, or even disrespected in this area.

Some couples can have different political views, follow different religions and not make each other uncomfortable, insecure, disrespected. They accept the other has different beliefs/values. My in laws were of different religious beliefs. Neither felt uncomfortable, etc. They accepted that the other had different beliefs and that was that.

Hope, only the first paragraph in my post was addressed to you. The remaining 3 paragraphs were directed to the OP. Sorry if that was unclear. I am not "arguing" with anyone. I am just stating my own life philosophy.

Stating that she is acting like the pope is not an insult to anyone. Its a way of looking at the relationship between two people. Moreover, here i was saying that this is why the pope does NOT marry - that one half of a couple should not have the power of decree over the other. That is Shariah law, if i am not mistaken.

Una, you quoted my post; therefore, it seemed to all be directed in response to my post. And I still don't see the point of getting into a debate. You have your personal opinions on what a relationship looks like and should be, as do I. The OP needs to make up her OWN mind about how SHE feels about her boyfriend watching porn. It's up to her and her own comfort level. We can only try to help her to figure out her own feelings on this. Some people are perfectly OK with porn; others are very hurt by it and offended. IF someone is OK with it, then that's the end of the story. She has to determine where she really stands on the issue. It was important enough to her to almost walk away from the relationship --- or threaten to walk away. I am simply honoring her feelings. She also has to determine how she feels about him lying to her, a separate issue. She says she cannot deal with the lying. Our purpose as members is not to debate on here, but to help the OP.

I've been trying to stay out of this because it hits too close to home for me.

Could we not debate the pros and cons of porn? The OP posted about her feelings regarding a behavior her boyfriend has that she is uncomfortable with. What if we changed the behavior to something not controversial- say stamp collecting. The OP tells her boyfriend his stamp collecting makes her feel uncomfortable and insecure. He promises to stop, but continues behind her back. She finds out, he refuses to talk about it. My example is silly, but the point is he lied, deceived her, then refused to talk about it. Those are all danger signs in a relationship.

To the OP, hon your feelings are yours. Don't let anyone tell you what feelings you ought or ought not to have. It's up to you to decide whether or not you can live with his behavior because he has shown you that he is not going to change.

@lizardlady, I couldn't agree more. Thank you for your post.

Liz, unfortunately, i like that idea! To me, it puts the focus not on the guy's lying, but on the lady's insecurity.

I could not be in a relationship with differing political affinities. And i would probably have a problem with stamps collected during apartheid But that's all on ME to deal with. Not for me to trim my partner's ahem wings. Imho.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope @lizardlady, I couldn't agree more. Thank you for your post.

Thanks Hope.

@Embarrassing:

More info on Premium Snapchat:

‘On the Premium, you can actually have a conversation with the girl, you can sext with her, make requests, get customs. It’s more one-on-one than regular porn, more intimate.’