Can't talk to my wife

Thank you for your honesty! While I need validation desperately, I can also take some constructive criticism I have burned her pretty hard before on being left out. That is probably why she nitpicks the issue on the smallest things. I also agree that it is getting harder to remember her on stuff because I'm shutting down emotionally. It's like, the more I close myself off the calmer I feel. But everything in our relationship becomes so mechanical. It sucks when things you used to do spontaneously out of love become something on a list that you do periodically to keep her from harrassing you.

Ah, believe me, I get that 100%. It's hard work! You're protecting yourself and shutting down emotionally is one way to do it.. not the healthy way, mind you, but you're aware of it, at least.

Well, now I'm worried. Everything seems to be smooth but I'm starting to get chest pains and other stress induced physical problems. I don't feel particularly more stressed out. So I'm wondering if I'm pushing my feelings down and mentally I feel fine, but now it's popping up physically.

So this morning I was thinking this might be a good excuse to start looking at couples therapy. I could say that I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm starting to have stress issues. Then when we get there, just tell them everything I'm going through with her behavior.

But we went on a hike with some other people and we had a great time and went to bed feeling fine. So, I don't know...

Yes, stress can certainly cause physical issues, particularly when we push it all down and inside. I think you have a good idea regarding couples therapy. I would say especially if the physical issues persist, then it's definitely a good thing to follow through on. It may be a good idea, regardless.

I just don't know anymore. I think maybe she just isn't mature/stable enough to handle talking about her issues. I threw her a softball question about her body image issues and she didn't want to talk about it.

I'm struggling to accept that I have to share my feelings here in an anonymous public forum. I'm so sensitive to issues of infidelity that even this feels like I'm not being faithful to her.

As a dude, I feel weird working on emotional issues. I contemplated reading romantic books or something to get my needs met. I'm very much not into that stuff, but I know that sexual fantasy can be an outlet for excessive sexual energy that a partner can't help you release. Safer than cheating. So wierd. I feel so weird right now. Maybe not being able to go to the gym is lowering my testosterone? Maybe I need to just go smash something? Just kidding.

What about seeing a sex therapist, either on your own or with your wife?

One of the things I have been thinking about lately is that maybe part of the frustration is due to experiencing a relationship with someone who tends to need to "control" their availablity to "my" needs too much.

Some people interact in ways where THEY need to control too much. That tends to come out as often knowing you like XYZ, but only giving you XYZ when THEY want rather than respecting your needs in a more consistent way. This can lead to feeling you are at their mercy more instead of having the feeling of consistent mutual respect.

So, you have a nice day hiking with your wife, was that because SHE had a nice day and things ended up ok? Sometimes that's the glitch that tends to produce this feeling you are having that you have not quite identified yet.

In other words, do good connections ONLY happen when SHE decides it's ok? That can trigger when that dynamic took place in one's childhood where fun/good/positive things happened only when a parent decided they can happen.

I am also thinking about "well, things went ok and we had good sex last night" and yet, wasn't that UP TO HER and you don't know WHEN you can have that happen again?

Thing is, you cannot be the only one working on the issues in the relationship, Both of you should be working together and individually on the issues. The responsibility of the health and success of a relationship falls on both people's shoulders. It should be equally shared. Have you approached her with the fact that there is a lack of healthy communication between you, that when you approach her to talk about issues, she doesn't want to, and that it's a problem?

Ya, it's just one sided. When I do share my feelings, the first thing I always say is that I don't feel like I can share without getting attacked. And every single time, she attacks me. Very recently, she actually let me talk, but interrupted me twice, then said I'm not understanding what she is saying but before I could respond, she walked out of the room. She said she didn't want to hear what I had to say. I was just trying to get clarification and come to some kind of solution. I never even got to share my actual opinion.

I don't think sex is the problem. If anything it's intimacy. I can't get close enough to her to care. It's more like we are back to dating. It's like I'm not fully invested any more and we just have some weekend flings. It's fun, it's ok, but it's not deep. Maybe I should just be grateful I have a life partner and the kids have some stable parents.

Wow.... so she has unhealthy and unproductive communication skills that essentially shut off any productive conversations and prevent them from happening. She won't listen to you. My husband can be similarly frustrating in that regard. I feel your pain. I would confront her with the fact that it's unhealthy and that you and the relationship/marriage are suffering as a result of this broken down communication between you. Just a thought!

Ok. I'm not familiar with what a Sex Therapist covers. I assumed they'd address the barriers surrounding the intimacy and sex. Maybe someone else can speak to this.

From the Four Horsemen, this is called Stonewalling.

Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse

YIkes! That article said stonewalling is the worst of the four, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling. There are elements of the other 3 horsemen in her behavior too. I don't know what to do. I can't talk about my issues, because I get shot down. I can't talk about her issues because she won't let me respond. Am I just not being assertive enough? I don't think I should have to be. It shouldn't be this hard.

Your marriage sounds incredibly stressful to even read about let alone live through this. It can’t be good for your overall health and well being

No, it shouldn't be so hard, you're right. And it sounds like. you've been trying, so I don't think. it's a matter of you not being assertive enough. You're hitting brick walls in every direction.

I think being assertive might help to a degree but it’s likely to cause fights and won’t make it any easier. I am pretty assertive (I am the same way irl as I am here, I am straight forward and don’t buy BS) yet I’ve met a few men who were just not considerate and were self absorbed. Me being assertive didn’t make them less selfish. It’s likely contributed to me not sticking around and leaving them but it sure didn’t change who they were. They were who they were. And they certainly aren’t any different now. It’s just that I am not around. Your wife is who she is

Sadly, this is an excellent parallel.

I resorted to texting/emailing. Maybe you can revisit this idea? Careful not to get sucked into a whirlwind, though.. it'll undoubtedly happen. Keep it minimal, objective, and focused. If she diverts the conversation, bring it back to point.

If it were me, I would say point blank "we've got a serious communication problem and either it gets worked on and improved or we're going to continue to have marital issues -- and right now, we have marital issues that are preventing me from being happy in this relationship".

That's also what I am working myself up to saying in my own marriage.

@guy1111, you know, I was thinking a bit more on the communication blocks you have come across with your wife. It seems she approaches things from a position of immaturity. It seems she lacks the communication skills and tools that are necessary in order to discuss and work through any issues with you, which ultimately, will make a marriage fall apart in the end. I think that couples therapy could give your wife the tools she needs in order to be able to communicate more effectively and productively with you. And I'm afraid that without the assistance of a couples therapist, that you are going to continue to experience the same exact scenarios and will continue banging your head against the wall. This will only lead to further emotional distancing and shutting down on your end.... the marriage will suffer even worse if this keeps up. She really needs help in learning how to communicate. And I could say the same exact things about my own husband, who also has a lot of trouble with communication.

I left someone after 22 years because of my feelings of inadequacy...jealousy....and just got sick and tired of being miserable everyday within myself.
I have zero self esteem and when I left the marriage....it was hard...but it was easier than having him around watching things he was doing that were hurting me.
I don't think she is being sensitive and loving and or caring about you ...the condition you are in right now....etc.

People staying for their "kids" which you may subconsciously be doing ALWAYS ends up in trickling down to actually harming the children....My children would tell you that. My children told me after I finally dissolved our marriage that they had WISHED that I did it long ago.

Your children are noticing you are not happy...this puts a heavy weight on your childrens hearts....If you are unable to "take care of yourself" and get out of this marriage (even if it is just for now)....than please find the strength to seperate for your children....Seperate...continue counseling...get out in the world and find people friends and/or women that make you SMILE.

Life is too short....

I am a strong believer that staying in a bad marriage for the kids is a bad bad idea. Kids will likely struggle with relationships and other issues because of what they witness. And yes they see everything.

Ya, no matter how much I grow, the further apart I get from her. This sucks. I feel crappy today because I finally got to see my therapist face to face and she linked alot of my insecurities back to childhood. I really didn't want to go there yesterday, but was brave and went ahead. Sure enough, today, I feel like I am no good. I was all psyched yesterday thinking I was strong and wise for going through therapy and tackling my issues head on. Today I just feel reminded that I had a crappy past and I have a lot more room to grow. Then my wife just blows me off today on the phone. I was kind of short with her when I hung up. I don't even know if she noticed. Even if she did she probably shrugged her shoulders and went on with her day. She just doesn't get me. Oh well. Keep moving forward I guess. I feel like just staying out of the house as long as I can tonight.

Lesser of two evils I guess. Sorry, just not feeling tip top right now.