[Delvere]

Hi to you all,

here's the stuff. I am married and have a kid. The husband is very nice to me, we are together already 8 years, and our kid is four year old boy, who is just wonderful. The child really is rather easy child, thanks goodness, no issues found whatsoever. My husband is a smart man with good logic and reasoning skills. But he has two problems. One is a chronic depression and disbelief in himself. Second problem is what I could describe as laziness or not enough activity, but it is probably linked to the first problems. He could just all day sit at computer and read economic analyses, political news, analyses etc. He does go to work (he works as a taxi driver few times per week), but I know he could do so much more. He is a "forever" student in university, where he can't finish his studies. Because of this all I have lost belief in him.

We have been going to marriage counselling, which did help us to point out and understand our problems. But I am kind of fed up. I do love my husband, he has many good qualities - he is kind, smart (he actually did IQ test at psychologist, it ended up with result around 130), is respectful of other people, and in many ways is reliable. But he isn't ambitious, goal driven or active, and it makes me to feel detached with him.

I am myself, yes ambitious, goal driven, active, creative. We just have different temperaments or differently built brains, I hold higher belief in myself and less depression than my husband has, although I have had rather tough childhood and had gone through all kinds of abuses. I would describe myself more like a fighter. Depression just isn't really my kind of thing, I am more into enjoying the life. I'd rather take a laugh or sing a song, or travel to some beautiful place.

And I feel like my husband holds me back...Right now we are in the calm period of our lives. But I know it all will earlier or later change. Especially after a new person has entered into my life, although this entrance still is under question.

I met this new guy few months during my research trip to another country. The place, where that guy lives, is about 2500 km away from our home. We saw each other only for two days. We met each other because I first went to meet his parents, at which home I stayed, and he was assigned as a guide to me (to understand this, it wasn't exactly a touristic place, the hotels aren't there nor infrastructure, and secondly, it was trip for research purposes). During my visit there something magical happened. I'd say, that my brains started to play some weird tricks, or even hallucinations with me because of him.
The first time I saw him and his eyes, I felt like a thunderbolt hitting me. Later, when I was standing next to that guy, my thoughts went like "oh, it's so romantic to be together", even though, well, he was just standing next to me and I knew him for, like one hour. In another episode my heart was jumping out of happiness when I found out that he was assigned as a guide to me and that I will sit in a car driven by him. Even though he was a total stranger to me. My heart didn't bounce like that for nobody for a long time, not even for my husband.
During our meeting time we were just politely speaking each to other, we didn't give away much hints to each other that we would have been attracted each to other.
Yet, the guy also was attracted to me, it started to become apparent to me at the end of our meeting. He started to talk something like that he will maybe come to visit me later at the upcoming conference after a week, while I was in the same country (he didn't - he wasn't released from the job). And then, at the moment of separation, I saw how sad eyes he had. When he walked away, he did so with his head held very low. And as for myself...I was sitting in the bus bench alone and wishing he was sitting next to me. I was feeling close to crying.

And now prepare for the real mind trick, that is an actual hallucination. I am normally not prone to hallucinations, but this time...After the trip at home I looked at the picture of the guy, and suddenly in front of my eyes appeared another image, where he was holding a baby close to his heart. It was our baby, as I understood. The mind image was in front of my eyes few seconds and then vanished. It was such a clear image and it really came from basically nowhere. I don't know what to think about it...Was it really just hallucination and imagination? Was it a vision? Why did I saw him with a baby, supposedly our baby?

After all of this I decided to write him a message from my home that I fell in love to him. He answered to me that he fell in love to me, too. He then asked me to call him, which I did. He then told me over the phone, that maybe we should move together, but how on earth that would be possible, since we live in different countries and we both have families...Oh yes, the story about the guy. He has been married for about 10 years and has 2 daughters. But the wife kicked him out of home, and now he has been living alone for 5 months. He regularly visits his parents (this is why I met him). He said to me, that he still loves his wife very much, and still would like to move back to her. However, looking from the side, their relationships look nasty to me, because the wife has blocked her husband in Facebook, and I read some of her posts on her wall, which were something like that: "sometimes it is very hard to restore belief in someone who ruined just everything". I don't know his wife personally, and have never met her, just saw the pictures. I didn't have the guts to ask what was really the reason for their relationship to fell apart. The guy just said to me that they "argued like hell." According to him, wife has kicked him out, but "didn't mean it in her heart, as she still loves him".

And then the next surprise. Once I called to the guy, because I needed to send some stuff his family members asked me to send. I just wanted to tell him that I have sent them through the post, but the guy in the phone mumbled like a drunk "why are you talking such dry things?". I asked whether he is drinking, which he denied. Later he admitted that he is "drinking a little bit", because of the divorce. I found out from other people, that he was actually drinking a lot...

I wrote in the message to the guy whether he could try to stop drinking, go to counselling or something. Next time, when we chatted over Skype, he again appeared drunk, and hold a bottle of whiskey, and said to me "hey, because you asked me not to drink, this is why I am drinking. Cheers!"

After this encounter I decided not to write, call, or anything to this guy. Few weeks passed. And, as stupid it would be, I felt I was missing him. I missed his temperament, which was so much more compatible with mine than one of husband's, missed guy's humoristic approach etc. And wrote him again.

And again surprise. I found out that he had enrolled in the university and started his studies there. He asked me to help with English language, since he doesn't know it at all, but he was demanded in university to translate some chapter from economic book. He said that he stopped drinking and has decided to move on with his life. I congratulated him with his choice, but I said that he should talk over with his lecturer about the English language, because the level of difficulty just doesn't match up to his skill level. I refused to help him in the language, because I simply myself have my own things to to, and I don't support such wrong way of teaching new language. The guy seemingly didn't have guts to argue against his teacher and probably has gotten some other help. I don't know what is going on, because he barely communicates with me anymore. He just says that he is "busy with studies".

I don't know what to do. I guess, the guy isn't really ready for relationships with me yet, or he doesn't want. I can't blame him, after all, he saw me, maybe like 2 days? Plus he already has a woman, which he loves. Plus he does have multiple personal problems (drinking, lying, plus his IQ is obviously lower than that of my husband's, as he was asking me few times to be "more simple" etc.). I probably should just abandon thoughts about the guy, but how? I am so sad that love had to arrive in such a complex fashion.

As for my husband, I decided to move on with him for a while and see, if he can pull off more than taxi driver's job. If not, maybe I should divorce him and be a single woman. Maybe I just don't need any guys around me at all? On other hand, I am not that strong of a woman.

I sometimes feel upset about my life that it doesn't want to give me what I want and need, or deserve. On other side, I am also an optimist....

[Skeezyks]

Hello Delvere: It appears you're still pretty new here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

Having read your post, the only thing I think I can say is that this is all very complicated... and, I'm afraid, fraught with dangers. My recommendation, for what it's worth, would be to forget this new guy & focus on figuring out what you want to do about your current relationship. Then, once you've finally figured that out, you can then decide where to go from there.

I see you're in Europe somewhere. So I don't know what's available to you in terms of mental health services. But, if possible, I would think some individual counseling or therapy for yourself, & perhaps some couples counseling for you & your husband might be helpful. In some way or another you're going to have to find a way to work through all of this. And talking it through, at length & in depth, with a skilled counselor or therapist may be the best way to proceed. The thing you want to avoid, I believe, is simply allowing all of this to continue to rattle around in your brain, so to speak. Doing so is only likely to make it seem all that more confusing. I wish you well...

"Depression just isn't really my kind of thing, I am more into enjoying the life. "

I got hung up here. Depression isn't my thing either, but I've been plagued by it off and on through out my life. Everyone would rather enjoy life, but depression isn't a choice. Has your husband seen a therapist? Tried meds?

I personally would figure out what you want to do at home before worrying about dating.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Delvere

Hi to you all,

Depression just isn't really my kind of thing, I am more into enjoying the life. I'd rather take a laugh or sing a song, or travel to some beautiful place.

I have to say that your feelings to your husband do not seem very empathetic. Depression is not a choice, yet you talk about it like it is his choice to be depressed when you say it "isn't really my kind of thing." Depression isn't anyone's kind of thing. I don't know anyone who would actively want to feel this way, and it is completely out of my control, and your husband's control, to have depression or not.

Please just remember that this is a mental health forum, and most of us on here have some mental health disorder and MANY have depression. Saying it "isn't really your kind of thing" like it's our choice to be this way is kind of offensive.

On to the other parts of your story: it seems really interesting that the second you were away from your husband you fall in love with the first stranger you meet. And then he also is sick, possibly an alcoholic, and in need of therapy.

It seems like maybe you tend towards men who need fixing, and yet, you cannot fix them (who can?). Maybe it would be good to be on your own and find a relationship with someone healthy. Although it does make me wonder at your marriage vows...don't you vow to take someone in sickness and in health? And your husband is sick with depression? Sorry, maybe that's just my personal feeling on it...I'm not against divorce, if you think it's truly irreconcilable. But I would suggest individual therapy so you do not seek out relationships with new men who need "fixing" too.

Seesaw

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello Delvere: It appears you're still pretty new here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

Thanks for the welcome!

Having read your post, the only thing I think I can say is that this is all very complicated... and, I'm afraid, fraught with dangers. My recommendation, for what it's worth, would be to forget this new guy & focus on figuring out what you want to do about your current relationship. Then, once you've finally figured that out, you can then decide where to go from there.

I am thinking the same things. But there are two moments. First, I have lost belief in my husband and I am kind of ready walk away. I sincerely doubt our relationship will last the whole life. Secondly, I am very much into new guy, but I am also a realist. Sometimes I think of maybe getting just a child from him? With his consent, of course, and the child also would be aware of paternity.
To make things more complicated, we both (me and the new guy) belong to a small group of indigenous peoples and sometimes I feel guilty that I have contributed to extinction of our people by marrying out. Our family members know each other well, but I am somewhat stranger to them (even to my mother), because I grew up in a different country (I have bit complicated life story).
I have told my mother about the "new" guy. She wasn't happy about it at all. She said, that it's better if I keep looking for more suitable persons. She, like me, believes my current husband isn't the correct choice, but she isn't supportive of my other choice either. She probably knows those people better than I do and knows what she talks about. I should listen my mother, I guess, but maybe she would be happy if I continued our peoples bloodline without actually committing to relationships to that guy? It's crazy idea, though, I guess, these people normally raise children in households where both parents are involved. And plus it's probably also egoistic thought.

I see you're in Europe somewhere. So I don't know what's available to you in terms of mental health services. But, if possible, I would think some individual counseling or therapy for yourself, & perhaps some couples counseling for you & your husband might be helpful. In some way or another you're going to have to find a way to work through all of this. And talking it through, at length & in depth, with a skilled counselor or therapist may be the best way to proceed. The thing you want to avoid, I believe, is simply allowing all of this to continue to rattle around in your brain, so to speak. Doing so is only likely to make it seem all that more confusing. I wish you well...

Actually I have already ordered time to psychologist visit, but the problem is that I have to wait few months until the first visit now. As you can guess, it's budget psychologist, the private ones are too expensive to afford.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

"Depression just isn't really my kind of thing, I am more into enjoying the life. "

I got hung up here. Depression isn't my thing either, but I've been plagued by it off and on through out my life. Everyone would rather enjoy life, but depression isn't a choice.

Sorry, I didn't realise that I sounded offensive. I grew up in a culture where depression is frowned upon and fighting spirit is encouraged. But living in a Western country made me to realise that there might be different attitude to depression as well.
I have had far more complicated and difficult life than my husband has had, yet, strangely, I suffer from depression less than he does. Maybe it's because of cultural attitudes, who knows.
It's been quite difficult for me to gasp and understand these controversies, but the psychologists and couple therapists explained that depression isn't about life events as much as it is about the inner state. It made me to understand depression better, but in a way I am still feeling puzzled. Why am I not as depressed as my husband is? Or maybe I am depressed, just in a different way? Maybe the anger and aggressiveness I have actually is depression? I will try to figure out later.

Has your husband seen a therapist? Tried meds?

Yes, he has been seeing therapists many times and tried different meds. He isn't completely satisfied as he said to me that none of therapists have really helped him. His problem is that he is going to budget (council) psychologists and there isn't great deal of choice. Maybe in private sector would be different situation but we can't afford it.

I personally would figure out what you want to do at home before worrying about dating.

Thanks for the tip.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I have to say that your feelings to your husband do not seem very empathetic. Depression is not a choice, yet you talk about it like it is his choice to be depressed when you say it "isn't really my kind of thing." Depression isn't anyone's kind of thing. I don't know anyone who would actively want to feel this way, and it is completely out of my control, and your husband's control, to have depression or not.

As I explained in previous post, my husband seems to be more depressed than me, even though it should be other way round. My husband has had a stable home, both of his parents are still together, he has always been well fed and well dressed, lived in a secure place etc. Whereas my life has been a mess, where violence, poverty, unstability etc. took place. Many of my childhood friends are dead. I know hunger, which I experienced in childhood. I had nothing else to eat other than rice, which was brought by humanitarian help.
I can tell a lot of other things. Yet, for some reason I am not depressed to extent my husband is? I try my best to understand it. And I am impacted by my culture with negative attitudes to depressionm. Maybe that's why it's somewhat difficult to feel compassion to my husband.
I feel like I have achieved way more than he did, and I wish he also would strive for achievements and had the same fight spirit as I have. But he doesn't really, and it makes me to resent him.

Please just remember that this is a mental health forum, and most of us on here have some mental health disorder and MANY have depression. Saying it "isn't really your kind of thing" like it's our choice to be this way is kind of offensive.

Yes, sorry that I sounded offensive and rude. I am familiar with depression, I too have episodes of worthlessness, willingness to jump from the bridge etc. It's just I have a spirit of a fighter and a rebel, and this is why I don't give in to depression. But I can relate somewhat to those suffering from depression, yes, although I could do better.

On to the other parts of your story: it seems really interesting that the second you were away from your husband you fall in love with the first stranger you meet. And then he also is sick, possibly an alcoholic, and in need of therapy.

Actually this is wrong assumption that I fell in love to the first stranger I met. It is kind of implying that I don't go out of home at all, don't meet or see strangers every day etc. In reality, I see and meet strangers almost every day, since I live in a big city and I attend university. My campus is probably attended more by males than females, since it is focused towards STEM fields. So in reality, I have the opportunity to see and meet dozens of young, hot students and stuff. I have daily interaction with my coursemates, supervisors etc. who are mostly males. I could fall in love every day.
But the fact is, I haven't fall in love to a single one. Usually I see them as non-sexual human beings. And, even if I find someone hot, it's still not enough to call it "falling in love". For years, many years I've been with my husband, and no one else interested me more than he did.
Until I met the "new" guy...

It seems like maybe you tend towards men who need fixing, and yet, you cannot fix them (who can?).

Actually I doubt it, I am not "Mother Theresa" type of person. And when I fell in love to "new" guy I didn't know his life history or anything at all. It's just my brains started to do tricks to me, which I can't explain.

Maybe it would be good to be on your own and find a relationship with someone healthy. Although it does make me wonder at your marriage vows...don't you vow to take someone in sickness and in health? And your husband is sick with depression? Sorry, maybe that's just my personal feeling on it...I'm not against divorce, if you think it's truly irreconcilable. But I would suggest individual therapy so you do not seek out relationships with new men who need "fixing" too.

Surely I feel sorry for my husband, it is not my intent to hurt him. But there are some differences between us, which might end up being irreconcilable. Although I could still give him a chance ( as I have given already many times).
As for the "new" guy he probably has even more issues than my husband has, and I am genuinely surprised that I have not only fallen in love to him, but also want him like crazy. This is an area where all sorts of logic ends.
I am aware of dangers that the "new" guy presents, therefore I don't really plan on serious relationships with him. Maybe to have some night stand with him, maybe even a child...
But of course it's not that easy or simple at all.

[~Christina]

Why would you think having a child with the new guy is going to help your marriage ? Or do you plan to leave your husband prior?

Im sorry your thought process is very confusing to me, Maybe a cultural thing I suppose .

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Delvere

As I explained in previous post, my husband seems to be more depressed than me, even though it should be other way round. My husband has had a stable home, both of his parents are still together, he has always been well fed and well dressed, lived in a secure place etc. Whereas my life has been a mess, where violence, poverty, unstability etc. took place. Many of my childhood friends are dead. I know hunger, which I experienced in childhood. I had nothing else to eat other than rice, which was brought by humanitarian help.

I can tell a lot of other things. Yet, for some reason I am not depressed to extent my husband is? I try my best to understand it. And I am impacted by my culture with negative attitudes to depressionm. Maybe that's why it's somewhat difficult to feel compassion to my husband.
I feel like I have achieved way more than he did, and I wish he also would strive for achievements and had the same fight spirit as I have. But he doesn't really, and it makes me to resent him.

Yes, sorry that I sounded offensive and rude. I am familiar with depression, I too have episodes of worthlessness, willingness to jump from the bridge etc. It's just I have a spirit of a fighter and a rebel, and this is why I don't give in to depression. But I can relate somewhat to those suffering from depression, yes, although I could do better.

The severity of your depression has nothing to do with your upbringing or life experiences. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is why your husband experiences it worse than you do.

It doesn't matter how much "spirit of a fighter" you have. I am a fighter myself, been standing up for myself my whole life and fighting expectations and stereotypes, dealt with abuse and violence my whole life...my fighting spirit does nothing for me in the face of real depression.

You need to understand that depression is not just something you can fight out of or choose to not let affect you. For some people, when it is situational or environmentally based, yes, they can. But for those of us who have real chemical depression, meaning there is something wrong with our brain, it's not about lacking fight or motivation.

I don't think any culture smiles upon depression; and I don't think this is a cultural difference. This is the same stigma that those of us with depression experience all over the world...I'm not going to let it pass on a mental health forum where the intent is to support, not to further stigmatize.

As for the other things: I am not sure about your attraction based on both being indigenous peoples. I also agree with the other poster that it seems a little rash to feel like you want to have a child with someone. You say you are in school. How will you care for a child if you are a single mother?

If there are other irreconcilable differences with your husband, then maybe it is best to move on, but I would still say you need to get some professional help (like a therapist) so you learn how to identify and end up in a healthy relationship because your interest in this new guy and continued infatuation, even though you know he has all these problems, screams of wanting to enter into a relationship that is equally as unhealthy as your current relationship, and I do not see how you will get your needs met anymore out of this relationship than the previous.

Seesaw

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Why would you think having a child with the new guy is going to help your marriage ? Or do you plan to leave your husband prior?

Im sorry your thought process is very confusing to me, Maybe a cultural thing I suppose .

Ok, let's try to make things clear. First of all, I am planning to have a second child. Whether from my husband or from the "new" guy, it doesn't matter. What I really want is a second child.
Secondly, I don't know yet what to do with my husband. I feel annoyed by him to rather large degree, and, as I've stated earlier, lost faith in him. Maybe we will have second child together, maybe we will work out our issues, who knows? But maybe I will go away from him, and therefore I am open to having affair with the "new" guy and having child from him. Maybe I will have lasting relationshiops with the "new" guy, maybe not, who knows?
In the bottom line - a lot of things depend also on my husband, "new" guy, other people and circumstances. It's not something I can entirely plan out.

I find your posts upsetting, so I will tread with caution with my words.

Please do some research on depression. You are inadvertantly (I believe) perpetuating the stigma against those of us with mental illness.

I feel having a child would be a terrible idea. Children deserve stability. Not to mention the impact on your husband who is already depressed.

Please help your husband get the support he needs, even if you leave him.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by seesaw

The severity of your depression has nothing to do with your upbringing or life experiences. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is why your husband experiences it worse than you do.

Yes, it is something my therapists were explaining too. Makes to wonder about it - is depression in classification matters like headache? There are situational or "enviromentally" based headaches (tension related, sinusitis headaches etc.) and then there are those related to some imbalances in brains (migraine etc.). Similarily like you stated about depression.

You need to understand that depression is not just something you can fight out of or choose to not let affect you. For some people, when it is situational or environmentally based, yes, they can. But for those of us who have real chemical depression, meaning there is something wrong with our brain, it's not about lacking fight or motivation.

It's like headaches, I guess. One person without headaches will barely understand another person, who constantly suffers from headaches.
And also the types of headaches can be different. For example, I sometimes suffer from sinusitis headaches, but I can easily make them absent from my life with the help of pills (or surgery). Even though I got the picture what headaches mean, I still barely can relate to or truly understand someone, who suffers from migraines, and to whom actually almost nothing helps. I feel sorry for them, yes, but I don't know what to do with them, how to correctly speak with them etc.
And so in similar fashion, even though I generally understand what depression means, it's not easy for me to truly understand someone, who suffers from depression caused by chemical imbalance in brains, like it seems to be the case of my husband. I just seemingly can't hit on right notes, I don't know how to motivate and persuade him etc. It's quite draining for me. And so I feel stuck in our relationships and life in general.

I don't think any culture smiles upon depression; and I don't think this is a cultural difference. This is the same stigma that those of us with depression experience all over the world...I'm not going to let it pass on a mental health forum where the intent is to support, not to further stigmatize.

I have met people from my country of origins who don't even believe that depression exists. The stigma can be this strong to the point of denial.

As for the other things: I am not sure about your attraction based on both being indigenous peoples.

Our attraction isn't based on us both being indigenous peoples. If that was the case, I must have been attracted to dozens of other men I met, because they are of the same ethnic group...I can tell you, that several of them tried to hit on me, but I showed them no interest. Only the "new" guy interested me, and he actually was among the ones, who didn't try to hit on me! It's only after the trip back at home when we opened feelings each to other.

I don't know why I am attracted to the "new" guy so much. I feel like it's a coincidence that he happens to belong to same group of peoples as me.

I also agree with the other poster that it seems a little rash to feel like you want to have a child with someone. You say you are in school. How will you care for a child if you are a single mother?

I am actually already graduating university within few months and I plan for the second child anyways. I live in European country with well developed social security system, so I will receive financial support during my maternity leave. After that I can go to work and I believe I can get a work with my education. I have skills that are quite much sought after.

If there are other irreconcilable differences with your husband, then maybe it is best to move on, but I would still say you need to get some professional help (like a therapist) so you learn how to identify and end up in a healthy relationship because your interest in this new guy and continued infatuation, even though you know he has all these problems, screams of wanting to enter into a relationship that is equally as unhealthy as your current relationship, and I do not see how you will get your needs met anymore out of this relationship than the previous.

Surely you are right that I need therapist, and I have already arranged visit that will be after few months only (sigh).
Maybe I am not that interested in relationships after all. Maybe just being a single woman with children will do enough for me. It's a slippery road on it's own, though. In such case good work with decent salary is very important.

[seesaw]

I think your analogy of headaches/migraines and depression makes a lot of sense. I may use that in trying to explain depression to other people. Because every one has had a headache at some point in their life. It's an easy analogy to make.

I'm not against single motherhood...I just know in the states it's very difficult. We don't get the kind of support you seem to have in your country. I guess I mostly worry for the child and the child itself having stability in his/her family unit. I think the child deserves to see a healthy and happy parental relationship modeled for them.

I just worry for you because the new guy clearly has a lot of issues, and even though you are crazy about him, I think you need to ask the question "is he good for me?" "Will he be there for me?"

I don't think that you should have another child with your current husband, if you are feeling so alienated from him.

Congrats on graduating from university soon too! That's a great accomplishment.

So, maybe weird question, but do they have sperm banks in your country? I mean, could you select a sperm donor and have a 2nd child on your own? If you really want another child and not concerned about a partner, then maybe that could be a solution.

Seesaw

[FallDuskTrain]

You had mentioned that you have a four year old boy with your husband. Have you considered how walking away from the marriage would impact him?

[Delvere]

So, maybe weird question, but do they have sperm banks in your country? I mean, could you select a sperm donor and have a 2nd child on your own? If you really want another child and not concerned about a partner, then maybe that could be a solution.

Oh no, only not sperm bank. It's important for me to conceive child with someone I love. I want to tell a child that I loved his or her father, which would be true. And it's also important that child knows genealogy, ethnic identity etc. I can't take away that thing from my child.
As I wrote, paternity wouldn't be a secret to no one. Maybe it could involve hassle with relationships, if they are negative, but I think it's worth it.
Of course, I need agreement to conceive a child, but I think I would get it in any case. My husband's agreement is without question, he was himself talking about "sister or brother" to our son. And the "new" guy also was talking to me about having a child together.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I'm not against single motherhood...I just know in the states it's very difficult. We don't get the kind of support you seem to have in your country. I guess I mostly worry for the child and the child itself having stability in his/her family unit. I think the child deserves to see a healthy and happy parental relationship modeled for them.

The thing here is maybe that I am somewhat sceptical about those healthy and happy parental relationships modeled for children.
Just look at my husband. He has both of his parents together till this day. He gew up in loving house. And he has depression to such degree that it impacts his life?
On the other hand I grew up in disfunctional household. My parents divorced when I was 4. I grew up largely at my grandmother's. I don't have such depression as my husband has.
Well, my children at least would be raised by me, the mother. The father (or fathers) have chance to take part in upbringing and even have relationship with me. I am all for family model, just don't know how it will work out, as many things depend also on men themselves.

I don't think that you should have another child with your current husband, if you are feeling so alienated from him.

I am not THAT alienated from my husband. I still like him as a person and we have sex etc. I could still give him a chance. I do have commitment and dedication to our relationships. But let's see.
The major problem with my husband is that he isn't goal driven and has such low self-esteem that it leads to absurd situations. For example, he isn't able to finish university. He is student for like 10 years already. He can't get a decent job, because he is actually afraid to get job interviews, he thinks he will fail etc. How many times I told him he should think more clearly about himself etc., it doesn't help. And he has been seeing therapists probably hundreds of times, taking different kinds of meds. I feel like it's pointless to nurse him. I just want to go on with my life.
The "new" guy looks a lot more goal driven and has much less of self-esteem issues than my husband has. Surely it is huge bonus on his side.

Congrats on graduating from university soon too! That's a great accomplishment.

Thanks! I wish I could congratulate my husband on that too...I am afraid that my graduation will make distances between us larger.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

You had mentioned that you have a four year old boy with your husband. Have you considered how walking away from the marriage would impact him?

Yes, I have thought about it. I think here is a rhetorical question involved - should I sacrifice my life to a somewhat disfunctional person or should I go on? I am aware that something bad might happen to him after our divorce, but I don't believe that one could place blame solely on me. It's not my fault that he has depression. He has had it already before he met me.
And maybe I should give him a chance to meet and fall in love to other woman, who knows better how to deal with depression. Maybe my husband deserves more fitting woman to him than me.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by Delvere

Yes, I have thought about it. I think here is a rhetorical question involved - should I sacrifice my life to a somewhat disfunctional person or should I go on? I am aware that something bad might happen to him after our divorce, but I don't believe that one could place blame solely on me. It's not my fault that he has depression. He has had it already before he met me.

Being a loyal and a good hearted person sometimes means more than being driven and goal oriented. I hope you are considering that when you think of your husband.
Yes, that is true you are not responsible for your husband’s depression but it would kind to consider the well being of the father of your child.

[Delvere]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Being a loyal and a good hearted person sometimes means more than being driven and goal oriented. I hope you are considering that when you think of your husband.

Yes, my husband is indeed loyal and good hearted person, which I am thankful about...But! He isn't that loyal to me after all. If he was, he would have finished already university and got a decent job, which he didn't. I feel like it's stabbing to my back. I already have so low requirements on him, just these two accomplishments, I don't ask from him to get filthy rich or make big career or
something like that. Just to make our life enough stable and predictable.And he has failed in this front. I feel like our life is on my shoulders and I have to drag him along.

Yes, that is true you are not responsible for your husband’s depression but it would kind to consider the well being of the father of your child.

I am actually considering of introducing him to new women, arranging dates etc., in case of our divorce. Of course, it's not that simple, he loves me and it would hurt him anyway. But I do wish to help him.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by Delvere

Yes, my husband is indeed loyal and good hearted person, which I am thankful about...But! He isn't that loyal to me after all. If he was, he would have finished already university and got a decent job, which he didn't. I feel like it's stabbing to my back. I already have so low requirements on him, just these two accomplishments, I don't ask from him to get filthy rich or make big career or

something like that. Just to make our life enough stable and predictable.And he has failed in this front. I feel like our life is on my shoulders and I have to drag him along.



I am actually considering of introducing him to new women, arranging dates etc., in case of our divorce. Of course, it's not that simple, he loves me and it would hurt him anyway. But I do wish to help him.

You actually make a lot of good points. You do have the right to expect your husband to do a little bit more for the family. However your approach sound cold and it is probably mostly because you seem to have exhausted your emotions and the concept of marriage seems different to you. No judgement yet an observation.
I admire your strength. I really do. I am also a war survivor myself and i was legally a refugee for almost all my life; so I understand mostly where you are coming from.
Although unlike you, i developed depression and severe anxiety and I know how tough it is to navigate life with this foggy and sad brain.

[Delvere]

Hello!
So more than two years have went after my first post here. How things have turned out - the "new" guy turned out to be a sort of Narcissist! He divorced his wife because he almost strangled her! She fled to live in another town with her children and re-married. I don't know nothing about the "new" guy anymore, because we don't speak each to other anymore. He has upset me to such a degree.
Meanwhile I am still together with my husband and we have got a new baby boy! Now I appreciate him more than ever before. Now I know that depression is thousand times better than narcissism!
Screw narcissists! Glad I didn't fall as a victim for one!

[divine1966]

I am glad to hear you made good choices and are in a much better place in life and congrats on your baby.