Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Wait.. maybe I misunderstood something. You've only had sex with your husband once, on your wedding day?

No no no.... just talking about the honeymoon .

How realistic are you? Is it a bit of an idealistic view? Like from romantic comedies?

I think it’s a bit of an urban myth or movie hype that people have sex all the time on honeymoons. It maybe comes from times when people were marrying young and it was their first time and they just couldn’t get enough lol

Nowadays most people already live together so why would they go at it like crazy on a honeymoon. Plus most people spend some (sometimes large) chunk of money on honeymoons and go to locations where they can do and see stuff and have memories so they are likely too busy.

I doubt people spend extravagant amount of time being intimate on honeymoons when they can do it at home. I might be wrong of course but I do remember our honeymoon events (I am a scrapbooker so I have a scrapbook of it on a coffee table as well as we have a book of each vacation we had and we like to look at them). I have zero recollection of having/not having sex there

I guess I get some notions in my head that may be a bit idealistic. Like a girlfriend of mine who is married told me that honeymoon sex is the best sex... that was right before we left to get married and to go on our honeymoon.

I did imagine that we would have had more sex than just on our wedding night since we didn't have much else to do except enjoy each other's company.

I'm not so idealistic that I think life should be like it is in the movies!!!!!! LOL! I am nearly 50 and so I think I'm a lot more grounded and realistic than that.

I just know that I have been rather idealistic in the past, and that sometimes that kind of thinking can intrude on what is reality or what is more realistic to believe and think.

Haha oh I know you don’t think life is like movies lol Sorry I didn’t mean it that way

So why didn’t you have more sex if it’s something you hoped for? Did you want to have sex and he didn't and didn’t have a good explanation? I think it depends why you had no sex on the honeymoon. If it’s because you had fun with other stuff or were busy out and about or don’t like sex in hotels or your spouse wasn’t interested in sex? Do you initiate and what does he say to it?

I’m with Hope on this one. Yes, I’d expect a honeymoon to be romantic and include a fair amount of sex.

I know that people today have been together a long time and by the time of the honeymoon this notion may be nothing special. But it is special to me!

Even when I’ve gone on vacation, having some romance and love making is what makes something feel like a vacation to me. It’s very important to me.

This is a sore subject in my marriage that has caused much misery. He knows how I feel, still nothing happens, then I get mad and the whole vacation feels ruined to me. But this never changed or improved. It’s aa huge problem for us.

However, our honeymoon was all that I imagined. We hadn’t been together for too long. We dated for 6 months and married 9 months later. The honeymoon was a fun, romantic adventure and it was sexy enough to feel like what I thought a honeymoon should. Call me naive.

*I see Divine’s post above: I’m sure we both initiated, and I know I flirted on our honeymoon and in the beginning. But, when he essentially lost interest and waited for me to do all the effort, I wanted him to lead and this is what caused our downfall.

Is this happening to you, Hope? Are you initiating and he is saying no? (I know of women who have that situation )

I don't know what happened exactly. One night when we were going to have sex, he got angry with me over something i said at dinner and it ruined the romance for the evening. The first two days while there I had my period up until the wedding day. The day after our wedding we were recovering.... we weren't soooo busy, it just did not happen much.

No,.... I am not exactly initiating, but whenever I do say something, he says, let's not talk about it and let it happen naturally. Then it doesn't happen very much unless i push the issue.

He's been having a lot of stomach issues and physical pains and ailments. One after another. He also has to take viagra in order for things to work.

But I expected at the very least on our honeymoon we would have had more sex than we did.

Of course all this is important what Tisha said but I’d just focus on what’s happening now and not worry about honeymoon which was awhile ago.

If he repeatedly refuses or avoids sex it’s an issue. He either has a very low drive and maybe should talk a doctor or he gets his needs met differently. I’ve never heard of a man not wanting sex. Maybe in a really really old age. Even men who aren’t particularly good in it, still want sex. So I’d try to get to the bottom of it why doesn’t he want sex

He says he wants to, but then we're just both too exhausted most of the time. We did have sex this weekend.

Maybe he just doesn’t need it as much. My drive went downhill after menopause. It could happen to men too., he is way young though

Him being always sick is troublesome. Is he complaining a lot? He needs to do some tests and see some doctors ASAP and fix it and get well. Him being always tired is a concern too. He doesn’t work two jobs or takes care of kids or old parents. Why is he so tired? He needs to check his thyroid

I have never been in extended chronic pain, but the extended depression over my marriage has caused me to lose interest in my wife sexually. Nevertheless, I still need it alot. And when she asks, I will still give her sex and it is a huge relief to me. I agree, I have never met a man who doesn't want a lot sex.
So maybe chronic pain is different and causes loss of sex drive. I'm not a doctor by any means.
But if he is saying that he thinks you don't want him, it may be a combination of pain, depression, and feeling unwanted. It is also his responsibility, though, if he is feeling unwanted, to boost his own self-esteem and make himself feel more desirable.

I cannot answer all these questions. Yes, he needs to see a doctor, which I've told him many times. I have no control over what he does or does not do. He is in bad shape physically, in many different ways. All i can say is Iv'e urged him to see a doctor for a long time now.

He was looking into male enhancers to help with his sex drive. He does deal with depression and the pandemic did get to him.

I really don't want to overanalyze any of these issues. Bottom line is: if our sex life doesn't improve over the next couple of months, and IF he yells at me again I am leaving him. I don't want to try and fix issues after just one year of marriage. I'd rather be alone. And I certainly did not get married so that I could try to fix someone else's major problems. If he has major issues, I'm out... and I cannot deal with that. We've only been married one year and together for two. My patience has worn VERY thin.

I am in agreement with you. If it’s that difficult after one year it is concerning if you need to even bother fixing it. You do what’s right for you.

Exactly.

Today I am also particularly irritable and feel a lot less patient than usual, which could be effecting how I am responding right now to the topic. I am pre-menopause and it's really screwing with me. I have to work and I am having trouble focusing on work related tasks because my body is totally out of whack and I'm exhausted. GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Sorry, I am not myself today

Hugs. These times are tough on everyone

Yes indeed they are.

I'm making my list of positives and negatives. The positives list is longer, but the negatives list has some strong deterrents and deal breaking issues. I am speaking with my therapist today.

What's difficult to discern: am I unhappy right now because of the issues with my husband, or am I unhappy right now because I haven't seen a single friend in over two months and because of the pandemic? It's probably both, but the pandemic has made things feel far worse. This is really awful. I cannot wait to get back to normalcy.

In my head, I have been leaning towards leaving him (during this last week or so). But a part of me (maybe 30%?) is fighting against that notion, so I am torn and stuck.

I hate being in this position.

Maybe what's best is to not make any big or permanent decisions until after Covid19 has cleared. I do think a lot of your issues are to do with this relationship but I don't doubt Covid19 has magnified the stress.

Good luck with your appointment today.

Thank you so much.

I need a voice of reason right now. Covid has made me a bit insane in the head I think. I need to get out, I need to see friends, I need this to end. I am so done with it. And yes, there's a lot of relationship issues that have come to the surface too.

Covid may be a bit of a "blessing in disguise" for you (and me). This is such a new relationship overall, and a new marriage. It shouldn't be this hard, already. You're devoting a lot of time, energy, and heartache over a man you haven't known for very long. It speaks volumes to me.

Well, I am stuck at home all alone, working and I have nothing but time on my hands to think. I was happy and content before he yelled at me 2-3 weeks ago. Like I wrote before, we had a 6-month period right after we were married that made me think I should leave him. Then things improved and over the next six months, I wasn't thinking that way.

But since 2-3 weeks ago when he yelled at me, I've been re-evaluating everything from every possible angle. All the things that are bothering me, or have bothered me, have bubbled to the surface. And the pandemic has brought out a lot of the issues.

We have issues, yes. And I will leave him if this turns out to be more unhealthy for me than not. And if I am truly unhappy? I will leave.

But you're right -- there's a lot of issues I am facing here with this relationship, and they are not easy ones.

Sorry you are going through this. After only a year or so. That is tough. I wish relationships weren't so damn tough. They should be enjoyable most of the time with some bumps here and there. Not so much high and low chaos. I wish people would want to change for themselves and for their mates as well. If we all went away to better ourselves all the time we probably wouldn't need to do so much work together. It would probably be mostly enjoyment when we are together.