Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I don’t see that the issue with relationship struggles is that people won’t change. I don’t believe people need to change. I think most relationship issues come from people going for wrong partners and then hoping they change. I wouldn’t want anyone to change me. Of course there should be compromise here and there but in our core we are who we are

Having said that, everyone could be better. But if relationship is bad unless other person changes, then there is usually not much chance .Sadly

Imho of course

True. Just throwing out some compassion.

I understand. I tried to change people too. Been there done that. Took me long time to learn that it doesn’t work. Having said that, of course there needs to compromise so some change in people’s behavior is inevitable.

I agree. When there is a problem, it sometimes just needs a minor change or compromise. But it’s not supposed to be enormously difficult. Then, I agree, they are wrong for you. But, my fear is that no one will be right. A psychiatrist actually said to me that is the case for me.

We go into relationships knowing there will be some issues, and prepared to cope with them. But some are too triggering.

Thank you. I appreciate your sentiments and compassion.

I just re-read through my journal. I had doubts several months before we got married. At one point though, I had written that he's the best man I've ever found. When we got engaged 8 months before the wedding, I was happy and still feeling good about things. Then fights occurred during the months before, and I started having doubts. I got cold feet right before the wedding, but went through with it anyways. I've written on here that I had valid reasons despite my doubts, which I won't get into on here.

One of my closest college girlfriends told me once that I make bad decisions. Years later, I told her how much that comment hurt me - I was thinking: who the hell does she think she is? She's someone who allowed a man charged with rape to move in with her, then he proceeded to steal from her. So who makes bad decisions??????? I was SO offended by her comment at the time. We cleared that one up, but now that comment haunts me again.

Someone else told me once that there are no wrong decisions. Only learning opportunities.

I didn't go into this relationship wanting to change my partner. I got into this thinking I had met the best man I had ever known. Then over time, he revealed this other side to me of all these toxic behaviors. And now, I am trying to get him to change the behaviors. Not himself, but the behaviors.

People make bad decisions every single day of their life. That’s just part of life. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t make bad decisions on a daily basis. Literally bad decisions daily. It doesn’t really mean anything unless those decisions are deliberately harmful to other people. Clearly that friend of yours make bad decisions too as all of us do

Some behaviors could be changed or at least people can try. I am a bad listener. I don’t listen to anything more than few minutes and then I tune out. I can’t do audiobooks or any long lectures or conversations, tune out within few minutes. So it’s just how it is. It’s annoying in relationships with people though because they have to either put it in writing or have to put up with wasting time of their life telling me what happened and me not having a clue what they just said. I am trying to improve. I make efforts or try to find compromise. Deep inside I still am who I am but I am trying to be a bit better.

There is nothing wrong with people trying to be better for the sake of themselves or for the sake of others. We all should try to be better versions of ourselves

Agreed!!! I work on improving myself constantly. I feel there's much to work on for myself, but we're all a work in progress. Some people don't work on themselves at all -- awareness is the first step towards changing behavior. When someone is in flat out denial, that makes it impossible to work with them. My husband initially was in total denial of a problem, and that's when I thought I would really have to walk away. In that case, there's nothing to work with. But then he acknowledged his temper, and I felt there was a tiny bit more hope. Then he said he is willing to see a professional IF his temper flares again.

And now? I am not sure I will have the patience IF he yells at me again.

And as far as bad decisions go -- someone once told me that we all make the best decision for ourselves in the moment given the knowledge we currently have. So from that angle, there really are no "bad" decisions. Only decisions that may have certain negative consequences. And if there are negative consequences, we then in hindsight call it a "bad decision" when really, that decision turned out to lead to something negative that we don't like or want.

So, I made the decision to marry my husband. I had doubts, but I went ahead anyways. I knew I had felt great happiness with him previously. On our wedding day when he fought with me, I felt it was too late to back out, but I wanted to. But then, I look happy in all our wedding pictures.

I hate to admit this even to myself, but I will. I just wanted to get married. I was tired of dating. I was tired of being single. I didn't want to continue to be single at the time. I was in my upper 40's, and had never been married. Everyone else around me was coupled up. I couldn't take it anymore. All those years of dating, and of being in and out of relationships seriously wore on me and took a toll. I was very vulnerable and weakened at the time. And it's true: people look at you sideways and all cockeyed thinking something is wrong with you when you say you've never been married and you're that old. And I couldn't bare the thought of calling off the wedding on the day of. It is what it is.

So here I am not knowing what will happen next and not knowing if this marriage will stay together. Last night he gave me a head rub and a back rub because I had a headache and was tired. That went on my list of positives today. He does try to take good care of me, and he does sweet things like that for me.

“I hate to admit this even to myself, but I will. I just wanted to get married”
^There is nothing at all wrong with this! I’m sure it’s a very common reason for many. It isn’t always that they met their soulmate they just couldn’t live without. For me, I found the best man who I wanted to start a life with. Honestly, it was a timing thing more than a ‘can’t live without you’ thing. And there was love just as there is love with you and your husband.

There are many annoying things mine does and I’m sure I also do. I don’t care about things. For example, I’ll just forever pick up his things where he leaves them and put them away. This doesn’t trigger me. It’s the few crazy-making things that need to be fixed or will lead to divorce or a living Hell

It doesn’t sound to me like you made a ‘bad choice’ with your husband. He sounds like a good man with some behaviors that are too triggering for you to live with. But he’s not a rapist or anything like that. From all the men I’ve ever known (friends’ husbands they’ve told me about too) they ALL have behaviors that are ranging from annoying to deal breaking.

Thank you for saying as much!

I don't think it's a good reason to get married, but I am sure that many people follow a similar path, OR the timing is right and the seemingly right person came along.

Many women want children, and have only so many years after 30 to be able to have them. So there's that aspect too.

And over 50% of couples get divorced. Then of those still married, what percentage actually have a healthy relationship AND are happily married? I am sure the percentage gets smaller.

My own parents are an exception. They have been happily married for over 50 years, they are each other's best friend and they still are in love and happy together. I think that's most rare to find, and those who are lucky enough to find it, are most lucky indeed.

I think many marriages are difficult and problematic or troubled. Hence the high divorce rate.

And yes, my husband IS a good man in many ways. He really does try to make me happy, and I can see that he tries.

It's not that I get triggered. I don't like that label. It's that some of his behaviors are entirely unacceptable, toxic and abusive. Anyone would protest against these behaviors. So he doesn't "trigger" me; I deserve to be treated with respect and loving kindness at all times, as anyone in a relationship deserves and should expect.

The other thing is -- as I've gotten older, and as I've dated many MANY people, I've seen what's really out there. And most people are screwed up in one way or another in my opinion. I may be hanging out at all the wrong places perhaps but I do the things I enjoy most. And most people I've personally come across are screwed up or have one issue or another. SO, if I let HIM go, I'm just going to gain another one who has some other issues.

It's either I work with what I've got and it improves, or I will choose to be alone for the rest of my life. That's how I feel.

No one is perfect and obviously looking for a perfect spouse isn’t realistic. As long as people are comfortable and happy together who cares about perfection or what other people should consider good marriage. Whatever works for you. We aren’t perfect ourselves either.

I have kind of practical approach though. Ask yourself if it’s a deal breaker. If it’s, then I don’t care what other people say, I am out, I am old enough to know that squared lid won’t fit round pot. If it’s just something goofy and annoying but not a deal breaker, then you accept that’s how it is and enjoy the differences.

It’s all about feeling of content and comfort for me at this point in life. If you are happy and content with a partner and he is your best friend then who cares that the person isn’t perfect. Who is? Just see how you feel and go from there. Listen to your guts

Agreed!!! Thank you for this! I know my dealbreakers.... so it's a wait and see now.

I agree that yelling is abusive. I agree everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Also, I don’t know the severity he is yelling or the things he is saying. That doesn’t matter anyway, as I’m not judging. My only point on this is that in some relationships, his yelling may be handled by his partner differently. They may not care. They may yell right back. There are a lot of ways two people interact. I’m sorry for calling it triggering to you, but your reaction to it is very emotional, which is not off base (and we all support you in this! Not judging.)

Remember the man who opened a disgusting mouth to me? He completely expected me to take it. Maybe he had a prior gf who did take it. For me, he was done right then and there.

Anyway, I hope you can work out him learning to control his temper and mouth, and that happens right away.

Thanks, Tisha, for the support! Much appreciated!

And sure, perhaps some people don't mind yelling and yell back -- but by use of the word "triggered", I think perhaps you're projecting your own reactions to your husband's toxic behaviors in your marriage onto my situation and marriage? You get triggered by your husband, and that's how you describe it.

I am not going to put up with abuse. Period. And yes, it's very abusive what he does and says to me when he goes into a fit of rage. You should hear him! He uses many different types of abuse tactics when this happens. I'm well educated on abuse and abuse tactics, and he uses several on me.

So, yeah, while it may "trigger" my PTSD (naturally) because he's being abusive and also yelling at me -- ultimately, it's him who is abusive. It's not that he triggers me. That would make it seem like a problem of mine that I then need to resolve and fix for myself. That's not the problem. The problem IS HIM. It's that he is point blank downright abusive when he gets like that, and I will not tolerate it one second longer.

I woke up again feeling like this relationship is hopeless.

My list of positives is longer than the list of negatives, but several of the negatives are absolute dealbreakers for me.

Right now, his physical ailments are really bothering me. He has so many physical ailments that I worry I will be taking care of an invalid, going far into. debt and not saving any money for retirement.

Now he needs new pillows because all of ours "suck", according to him. We bought TWO new pillows for him already, but neither works for his bad back. So now he needs new ones - yet another expense.

And the couch my sister gave us is not "good enough" for him, so at some point, I have to spend money on getting a new one for HIM -- for his bad back. I would be happy to keep the couch we have because to me, it's just fine. But no, we have to get. new one, and probably a more expensive one, because he hates it and it hurts his back. And it's going to be MY purchase because he cannot afford it. We already had to buy a $3000 bed to suit his back, so i am in debt for the bed. I am growing resentful.

I know... please don't say it. I know there's a mountain of problems I am facing just one year into marriage. It doesn't even need to be stated because I realize this and I am overwhelmed by it all as well as exhausted by it all mentally.

I had no idea until closer to the wedding the physical ailments he has. He was fine when we first met, but then as time went on, he started complaining more and. more about various issues.

He didn't tell me until long after the wedding, nearly a year later, that he has a "degenerative spine condition.". As soon as I found out, I asked "what does this mean for you?" And his knee jerk reaction was "are you going to divorce me now?" He didn't tell me about this before we got married.

I am more perplexed on how someone at age 47 cannot afford a couch. You can find deals and low or no interest financing. It’s a couch, not a house. People with low income buy couches. It’s not a luxury item. And pillows? If they suck he can buy new ones. How did he live before he met you? Did someone else support him?

Did he not buy anything in his life? Who’d buy him stuff if he didn’t meet you? Would he manage it somehow? How do single people live?

Did he disclose early on his financial situation, lack of income and savings and his inability to purchase even the basic things-very bad credit or no credit? It would be a complete deal breaker for many people that the other person would have to rely on them financially. So I wonder if he explained this reality to you when you’ve met

His formerly wealthy parents supported him financially until he was 32 years old. Then his ex wife supported him financially and bought everything for him. He works on commission only, so his checks are not steady and go up and down according to business level. He can only just make ends meet and has no extra funds, unless he earns his bonus, which helps tremendously each month.

When we first met, he was better off financially-- then, after we were engaged 7-8 months later, he had to change jobs and start all over again building up clientele.

He behaves like a spoiled brat and expects me to take care of him financially because everyone else has. I am losing patience. I cannot get ahead financially because of him.

He cannot buy a couch on credit. It has to be MY credit, MY purchase, and therefore MY debt. The couch we would need to get - that would suit a bad back - no working adult of the middle class could afford. It probably will cost between $2000-$3000!

I already have an expensive bed purchased on my credit, and a bank loan on my credit and in my name that he owes $1800 on.

All of this I found out later on in our relationship -- it wasn't all revealed in the beginning.

You aren’t stupid. Honestly If you decide to stay in this marriage, step one would be: no financially supporting him and no buying stuff you don’t need to be buying or don’t find essential. He’ll have to live on what’s available. If he wants something extra, he’ll have to find the way to obtain it.

Thanks, Divine.

I edited my post above. But I DO feel stupid. I knew the bankruptcy was a red flag when we first met and I wrote in my journal that it was a red flag.

I've already put down my foot and have stated flat out "NOTHING else is being purchased by financing it or with my credit card."

He has to live with the couch we have. And if he needs pillows? He can earn his $1000 bonus to purchase them himself. But I have a feeling he is going to twist my arm again to get me to buy them RIGHT NOW and then he'll pay me back.

I will give him this - each time he's owed me money, he pays me back.

That’s not true that no middle class working adults can afford to spend 3000 on furniture. Yes it’s stupid expensive for one couch but I was single and a mom most of my adult life and I always bought all kind of furniture. Even when my income was low.

What I did I financed it when they had no tax offer and/ or low or no interest offers and then paid every month. And then I was done paying.

But the point is he has to do it. He has no mortgage, no kids, no other big purchases, he has to buy stuff or go without. You don’t need to always get stuff. If he can’t get the couch, there will be no couch

But I am dealing with abuse and rage issues, lack of sex issues, his many physical ailments, and financial stress.

It's a MOUNTAIN. And I feel I am going to snap or break soon. It's too much for me to handle.

He can’t make you do what you don’t want to do. No one can

What I meant was that I don't think any middle class citizen can afford to buy a nice couch outright, out of pocket. That's what I meant.

Sure, anything can be financed. My concern is that if I keep financing items for him, all on MY credit and in MY name, it's MY debt and if we divorce then it's ALL MY debt. But I am not going to do that to myself right now because I already have a bed and debt in my name.

Very true. But he is most convincing and I cave to avoid a tantrum from him and his rage.

Days before our wedding, he wanted me to buy him a $300 pair of pants for our wedding day. It would have had to go on my credit card. I asked simply and gently IF I could spend only $150 on the pants and not buy such an expensive pair of pants. He EXPLODED on me in anger and had a tantrum because I had said no and offered an alternative he did not like. That happened literally two days before our wedding, and we fought badly as a result, all because he went into a rage over pants. That made me think this was a HUGE mistake.