[DechanDawa]

Yesterday, out of the blue, I got a group phone text message that a dear cousin of mine died. This group text was sent by one brother who has taken it upon himself to be the family spokesperson regarding deaths in the family. (He is not the oldest brother.) I was very upset. I hadn't known this cousin was ill because he kept it a secret from all but his immediate family.

Before using group texts this same brother would send death notifications by group email. This was so silly as at one point the "group" consisted of one other brother and myself! He sent a group email to two siblings!

At that time I told him I would prefer a phone call, but if for some reason that was beyond him, I would prefer to not be part of a group email. I mean just send me an email, for goodness sake!

Now he has graduated from group emails to group texts...and I cannot tell who is part of the group. I was really angry. I texted him back to remove me from all group texts (which might only include three siblings!) and call me in the event of a death of a family member. Then I said...NEVER MIND...because when a family member passes on my oldest brother always calls me so we can talk about the person, share memories etc.

This brother who designated himself the family spokesperson has been doing this for years. He went through most all the Aunts and Uncles, and now he's starting in with the cousins. I might add that he has never called me personally my entire adult life. Recently when I confronted him about this he said, "I have no interest in family beyond my wife and kids."

Okay...but then why get in touch with me by text to tell me who died and your feelings about them???

I went on Facebook and messaged my other cousins. This is usually how the extended family passes on condolences. (My brother who sends the group texts never goes on Facebook.)

I was very fond of this cousin...and he was relatively young, as well,and it sounded like he suffered a lot...so I have been upset to hear this news. I left a phone message for my oldest brother to give me a call so we can talk and share memories. I know he will call. He always returns my calls.

But do you think it is appropriate to be informed of the passing of family members such as first cousins, by group text???

I guess this one brother designated himself because he lives in the area of the country with most of the family. I don't care. Since the ONLY time I hear from him is when someone has died...I would rather take away this self-appointed role he has held onto for years.


I think Facebook is probably the more appropriate venue...if one is going to use social media for such announcements. What do you think? Of course, best is phone calls, I think. But maybe next best if Facebook? Because then family can post pictures? (My extended family seems to have an endless supply of vintage family photos, which is cool!)

[Open Eyes]

Oh Dechan, things are done so differently now in how people interact. Sometimes it does seem cold and impersonal.

Sounds like the cousin that passed wanted to keep his illness private. Not everyone likes to broadcast their challenges. Some people like their privacy.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Oh Dechan, things are done so differently now in how people interact. Sometimes it does seem cold and impersonal.

Sounds like the cousin that passed wanted to keep his illness private. Not everyone likes to broadcast their challenges. Some people like their privacy.

I don't have a problem with my cousin wanting to keep his illness to himself and his immediate family. I am sure I will do the same. I only brought that up to say that it was a complete surprise, and a bit of a shock, as he was younger.

I was specifically asking about group texts and if they should be used this way. According to research I did on the Internet most everyone HATES group texts with a passion.

[DechanDawa]

Thinking about this more, I have three main thoughts.

1) I hate group emails and group texts for anything except work related agendas. So naturally I would hate to hear about a family member this way.

2) I was wondering if it was okay that I told my brother I preferred a phone call to hear about the death of a first cousin. If that wasn't possible I wanted off all group texts.

3) I also told my brother in the event of my (untimely) death that I did not want him sending out a group text. I told him I will ask my sister-in-law, his very sane wife, to announce my passing on my Facebook timeline. You can designate someone to do this in your Facebook settings - they can change your Facebook into a memorial timeline. She is very dependable and I know she would follow through. She is also the person I have designated to eventually close my Facebook account after my death.

[divine1966]

I think it depends.

My dad, my brother and I are on group text (sometimes adding other people as needed) and we communicate in this 3-way all the time, several times a day since our mom died.

I am in other groups texts and group emails with groups of relatives or other groups of people. I think if it’s how family communicates, then it’s fine. Of course we call each other but we communicate a lot and if I call individual people every day I’d be on the phone all day

I don’t think Facebook is better as not everyone is on Facebook and it’s more impersonal. If people aren’t on Facebook they won’t even know what happened

Just in my opinion.

As about death in the family it’s hard to tell. When my uncle unexpectedly died this winter, I found out from my cousin who called me crying. I called my dad because I did want to talk and knew he’d be just as upset (uncle is my aunts (moms sister) husband). But then I texted bunch of people. I was too upset to keep calling plus calling is time consuming.

I think in your situation if your brother and you aren’t close, he maybe felt more comfortable group texting versus calling

I personally like groups texts and group emails because it saves us time and we can share opinions and feelings and engage in a conversation between all involved and all talk to each other, versus talking to one person at a time. It’s not impersonal the way it’s done in my experience. People of all different ages use it very often in my experience

But I understand not liking it. I personally don’t like social media. And everyone else loves it. I think is subjective. It’s ok for you not to like group texting

I had to add that if group text included strangers, I’d be taken aback.
But if it was just siblings or other close family, then I’d had no issue with that. If someone wanted to inform me and my brother together (and maybe spouses and adult kids included) instead of informing us separately, I’d have no issue with it. It’s a family so family can learn about it together

[BabyLoves]

I think it's deplorable. He should call you since he's taking it upon himself to keep everyone informed.
I think it's wrong on so many levels. It reminds me of my siblings and they actually make me I'll with the things they do. They are crass and offensive and follow no sense of protocol or etiquette.
Please talk with your family and encourage him to stop what he has done in the past. There has to be a way you can stay informed about family life events without it being so crass.
Good Luck and God Bless 🙏.

[TishaBuv]

I think getting a text, even worse a group text about the death of someone very close to you is very bad. Honestly, to call, individually, the important people to the deceased is the least someone could do out of respect. When my father died, someone other than my mother (who was too bereaved) called people for her.

But these days with email and texts there’s an acceptability to group message people on the B list. Recently my uncle passed and nobody told me when was the funeral. I would have gone had I known. It was pretty rude that I was overlooked. I didn’t even get a group text. He had divorced my aunt many years ago and we were’t close, but still, he was my uncle.

We also had another cousin pass lately. My aunt sent a group email to me and my sisters just to let us know he passed. I would have taken my mom to the funeral, but she only wanted to post on his wife’s facebook sending her condolences, so we didn’t ask about the funeral. His wife (my mom’s 1st cousin) was very insulted that all my mom did was post a very nice condolence message from her and our whole family. Again, we weren’t really close. All of them spend many years not speaking because this 1st cousin said really insulting things), but c’mon, what’s wrong with an 85 year old woman posting condolences on facebook? So it got back to me that they were all mad at us, and I mailed a condolence card several months later.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think it depends.

My dad, my brother and I are on group text (sometimes adding other people as needed) and we communicate in this 3-way all the time, several times a day since our mom died.

I am in other groups texts and group emails with groups of relatives or other groups of people. I think if it’s how family communicates, then it’s fine. Of course we call each other but we communicate a lot and if I call individual people every day I’d be on the phone all day

I don’t think Facebook is better as not everyone is on Facebook and it’s more impersonal. If people aren’t on Facebook they won’t even know what happened

Just in my opinion.

As about death in the family it’s hard to tell. When my uncle unexpectedly died this winter, I found out from my cousin who called me crying. I called my dad because I did want to talk and knew he’d be just as upset (uncle is my aunts (moms sister) husband). But then I texted bunch of people. I was too upset to keep calling plus calling is time consuming.

I think in your situation if your brother and you aren’t close, he maybe felt more comfortable group texting versus calling

I personally like groups texts and group emails because it saves us time and we can share opinions and feelings and engage in a conversation between all involved and all talk to each other, versus talking to one person at a time. It’s not impersonal the way it’s done in my experience. People of all different ages use it very often in my experience

But I understand not liking it. I personally don’t like social media. And everyone else loves it. I think is subjective. It’s ok for you not to like group texting

I had to add that if group text included strangers, I’d be taken aback.
But if it was just siblings or other close family, then I’d had no issue with that. If someone wanted to inform me and my brother together (and maybe spouses and adult kids included) instead of informing us separately, I’d have no issue with it. It’s a family so family can learn about it together

Well, thanks for explaining how it works for you. I would go nuts with that kind of group texting situation. I guess it varies from family to family. All my cousins and other family are gathered on Facebook and Instagram and I like it that way. It doesn't feel impersonal at all. I have no idea if others do group texting, too. I am visually oriented and like all the photos people post on FB.

My son and I use gmail, texts, and social media...all of it...but I don't connect to anyone everyday! Not even my son. My Lord! That would be over-whelming. Guess I really am an introvert at heart!

If my one brother is using group texting as a way of keeping distance...than I guess I am pushing things to a painful point with him. If he doesn't want a relationship with me, fine, but don't be alerting me about dead relatives. I would ALWAYS prefer a phone call when someone has died. This is probably old baggage. My father was quite ill and in the hospital for weeks, and when I hadn't heard anything from one Sunday to a Tuesday I called this brother who lived nearby... only to find out my father had been dead for three days! So some families are not so functional. My father was dead for three days and my brother never called me. And he was at the hospital. So what excuse is there to not call your sibling when your father dies? None! Dysfunctional!

As per usual, my oldest brother called me today while he was out walking his dog and we talked for a long while...until his phone battery went dead. He is the "soother" and soothed me down so now I am okay.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by BabyLoves

I think it's deplorable. He should call you since he's taking it upon himself to keep everyone informed.
I think it's wrong on so many levels. It reminds me of my siblings and they actually make me I'll with the things they do. They are crass and offensive and follow no sense of protocol or etiquette.
Please talk with your family and encourage him to stop what he has done in the past. There has to be a way you can stay informed about family life events without it being so crass.
Good Luck and God Bless 🙏.

Ha! Everything you said. In fact, that was the word I used, crass. And you are right, no one gave him this role, he took it upon himself.

I did go up against him and texted him to either call me or nothing...the next time. Personally I really hate finding out about relatives dying through email or a phone text. He has four siblings. If it is too much for him to call (he's retired) he should give the job to someone else.


I never "go up against" this brother and I have now done so twice in as many weeks...so I feel odd, I must say. Setting boundaries is never easy for me. Thank you for your support. I cannot tell you how meaningful it is to me.

You must be related to my brother. He has somehow become the official spokesperson of death and ill health for my extended family. Text, facebook, email etc.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think getting a text, even worse a group text about the death of someone very close to you is very bad. Honestly, to call, individually, the important people to the deceased is the least someone could do out of respect. When my father died, someone other than my mother (who was too bereaved) called people for her.

But these days with email and texts there’s an acceptability to group message people on the B list. Recently my uncle passed and nobody told me when was the funeral. I would have gone had I known. It was pretty rude that I was overlooked. I didn’t even get a group text. He had divorced my aunt many years ago and we were’t close, but still, he was my uncle.

We also had another cousin pass lately. My aunt sent a group email to me and my sisters just to let us know he passed. I would have taken my mom to the funeral, but she only wanted to post on his wife’s facebook sending her condolences, so we didn’t ask about the funeral. His wife (my mom’s 1st cousin) was very insulted that all my mom did was post a very nice condolence message from her and our whole family. Again, we weren’t really close. All of them spend many years not speaking because this 1st cousin said really insulting things), but c’mon, what’s wrong with an 85 year old woman posting condolences on facebook? So it got back to me that they were all mad at us, and I mailed a condolence card several months later.

Wow! What a story. You have me so nervous about Facebook now!

Last year the brother to this cousin died. My sister-in-law told me not to send a card but simply post a condolence on Facebook...so I did because I felt she was more informed than I was about such things. Yesterday I did the same and posted a condolence on Facebook. But now I am a little worried about it because of your story!


Also, after reading your comment I can see where my brother might think I over-reacted. Maybe he uses group texting more than I do...which is...I pretty much never use it. Also, he probably sees me as someone on the "B" list because I live out West while he is on the East Coast close to family. My brother pretty much thinks America stops at Ohio! Seriously! We all gathered at my sister's house in Petaluma, CA when she was dying a few years ago...and my brother acted like he was in Australia or something!

I have lived all over, and on both coasts, and I do view my brother as someone quite...geographic-centric.


I can see it is very complicated.

I have probably given my brother another reason to think I am nuts.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

You must be related to my brother. He has somehow become the official spokesperson of death and ill health for my extended family. Text, facebook, email etc.

How do you feel about it? I hate that my brother is in this role. Sometimes he will email about a cousin doing this or that and he will say, "You remember your cousin So-and-So, son of Aunt and Uncle So-and-So? And he is talking about my FIRST COUSIN. Just because I moved away doesn't mean a memory card got pulled out of my brain!

[DechanDawa]

Wow, thanks for all these comments. It was so helpful for me to hear from everyone.

After reading all your comments I am certain my brother thinks I am even more nuts, demanding, and troublesome.

I also feel really old-fashioned because I don't want to hear about any death in the family by being on some "B" list group-text. But I am talking about Aunts and Uncles, and first cousins.


I kind of miss the simple times when I was young. My mother always called me with news. And I lived in some remote places, too. This was long before computers and cell phones...and I can remember feeling...deeply connected. My mother would not have had "B" lists.

[divine1966]

Your father died and no one told you for three days???? That’s unacceptable. Wow. Your brother was with him when he died didn’t bother to tell anyone? I’d be livid. Three days? We have a funeral next day or day after, you can’t not tell for
three days. Compare to that sending group text about cousin isn’t the biggest offense. At least he informed you! Just wow. What about other siblings? None of the siblings call you when dad died? Wow

Do what makes you comfortable. You can’t change your brother. sorry about your cousin

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Idk. I would not complain about somebody making any effort to notify me of someone's passing. It seems like there are more important things to talk about. Like does someone need something, a ride, food, a babysitter, whatever.

Not sure of your point. My brother and most all my extended family live 2,700 miles away! Three of us siblings live out west but in different states.


But maybe you are right and I should not complain about somebody (my brother) making any effort to notify me of someone's passing. Why, I don't know, but it is a thought.


Thing is -- this is the only time I hear from my brother and at the moment I think he is kind of an idiot despite having a PhD.


But you may have a point. Perhaps I should just be happy my family and brother nods to my existence? Hmm. I am not...so inclined...towards that type of gratitude.


Family dynamics!

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

How do you feel about it? I hate that my brother is in this role. Sometimes he will email about a cousin doing this or that and he will say, "You remember your cousin So-and-So, son of Aunt and Uncle So-and-So? And he is talking about my FIRST COUSIN. Just because I moved away doesn't mean a memory card got pulled out of my brain!

Hate it. It disgusts me.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Your father died and no one told you for three days???? That’s unacceptable. Wow. Your brother was with him when he died didn’t bother to tell anyone? I’d be livid. Three days? We have a funeral next day or day after, you can’t not tell for
three days. Compare to that sending group text about cousin isn’t the biggest offense. At least he informed you! Just wow. None of the siblings call you when dad died? Wow

Do what makes you comfortable. You can’t change your brother. sorry about your cousin

OMG! I can't believe this traumatic event popped up. So now I have to tell the story. So my father died. My brother immediately called everyone but me. He told my brother who at the time was an active alcoholic...to call me and tell me my father died. The alcoholic brother immediately went on a "bender" and forgot he was supposed to call me. He called me five days later...but of course by then I already knew. I didn't talk to him for years. (He finally got sober.)

And yes, I missed the funeral. Because by the time I found out it was too late to book a flight and get there in time for the funeral.

So this was the same "in charge" brother who did this to me and when I found out I went insane. I mean he called all the siblings...why didn't he just dial my number? And why did he give the task to our KNOWN alcoholic brother? He never had a proper explanation and got angry at me for being upset. Crazy stuff.

At the time my 20+ year marriage was breaking up. That I had to miss my father's funeral because no one called me...was...well...traumatic. Really traumatic. I cried for days and days.

I think, now, these things are still connected.

My best friend at the time (the one who dumped me after decades just this past month)...lived in that town. She called me and said, "I will go to the funeral and I will be your eyes. I will tell you everything...how it looked...who was there...how your father looked in the coffin etc." and she did. This was long before smartphones but she called me and gave me an audio/virtual tour of the funeral describing everything in detail. I will never forget her kindness.

[divine1966]

This particular brother seems to have something against you. Maybe other siblings have some kind of agenda too because how did they not want to discuss all this with you even if only one of them was given a task to call you. It’s just bizarre

You can’t do nothing about it. Just disengage I guess. Or take on a role of informing everyone about events if it’s possible. He probably won’t like that

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

This particular brother seems to have something against you. Maybe other siblings have some kind of agenda too because how did they not want to discuss all this with you even if only one of them was given a task to call you. It’s just bizarre

You can’t do nothing about it. Just disengage I guess. Or take on a role of informing everyone about events if it’s possible. He probably won’t like that

Well, I was raised in a very male-dominant household with four brothers who had a sense of entitlement. I don't think any of them have an agenda...they are just not that aware. I also think that sub-consciously they cover for each other...it's kind of like a boy's only club.


I have always had the role of scapegoat. I am the one who calls attention to idiocy and ignorance. That's really what the scapegoat does...rocks the boat.

[DechanDawa]

I have been noticing people seem to be using texting more and more.

I have to confess I don't even have a smartphone. I still have a landline, and a flip phone.

I am someone who doesn't like the distancing of technology. I would rather be offline.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I have been noticing people seem to be using texting more and more.

I have to confess I don't even have a smartphone. I still have a landline, and a flip phone.

I am someone who doesn't like the distancing of technology. I would rather be offline.

You are right that people text more.

Yeah I hear you about technology distancing. That’s why I don’t like social media much because I feel like it’s indirect communication and it’s more distant.

I’d much rather people contacted me directly regardless if it’s text or call. Not having smart phone might explain why you think Facebook is more visual than using texting. We send pictures all the time via texts or we share access to google photo albums etc so I don’t feel like it’s less visual than Facebook. You might be more on computer than on the phone then if you do social media but don’t use smart phone. I think people are more on the phone than other devices for convenience.

It’s hard to be offline nowadays because of how life is so crazy. People are busy and live far from each other and commute long, it’s hard to not be connected.

It’s hard not to be on social media too . People look at me funny that I am not on Facebook. But I feel I am already too much online without being on Facebook. The way you resist getting a smart phone and texting I resist Facebook hahah

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are right that people text more.

Yeah I hear you about technology distancing. That’s why I don’t like social media much because I feel like it’s indirect communication and it’s more distant.

I’d much rather people contacted me directly regardless if it’s text or call. Not having smart phone might explain why you think Facebook is more visual than using texting. We send pictures all the time via texts or we share access to google photo albums etc so I don’t feel like it’s less visual than Facebook. You might be more on computer than on the phone then if you do social media but don’t use smart phone. I think people are more on the phone than other devices for convenience.

It’s hard to be offline nowadays because of how life is so crazy. People are busy and live far from each other and commute long, it’s hard to not be connected.

It’s hard not to be on social media too . People look at me funny that I am not on Facebook. But I feel I am already too much online without being on Facebook. The way you resist getting a smart phone and texting I resist Facebook hahah

It's funny how we will adapt to one thing but not another. I do send and receive photos on my phone.

Maybe I don't know what I am talking about.


I have been resisting being plugged into a phone all the time. I have been this way since the beginning. I never talk on my phone when I am out. Like never. I wait until I am home. Unless it is business related, then I will take calls in my parked vehicle.


Okay...there's this. I was a serious meditation practitioner for 25 years. I think it affected me in that I do like to stay in the present. Too much media is distracting. I haven't had a television for 15 years. I stream on my laptop but not very much.


Well, you know I contribute a lot on Psych Central. But I only belong to one online community at a time. I keep my Facebook friends to under 25!


I keep my Facebook to family and a few old friends.


I guess one of these days I will get a Smartphone. I guess I am much more of an introvert than I thought. I have one brother who has never had a computer! Ever. It's crazy but I feel the closest to him. He sends me gifts all the time...books...hoodies...earrings...things he picks up at flea markets. He sends me music in the form of CD's. (It's not just me. He sends everyone gifts.) And he writes real letters and sends handmade cards and artwork. He has a Smartphone and sends me pictures of hiking trails in the Northwest. The point is...he really knows how to stay connected. (This brother called me and he was very distressed about hearing of our cousin's passing via group text. So I wasn't completely alone in this. He said it really depressed him to hear the news in that manner.)

My brother had his own business and I guess he managed to run it without a computer and retired before it became impossible. He calls and texts a family member every single day. He is in touch with everyone...from great Aunts and Uncles all the way down to the newest wee babe...who was named after him. He writes articles for gardening magazines and sends his stuff in handwritten. I wouldn't say he isn't busy...as he is always helping someone in his community...building a fence for them...or helping pick up groceries...or painting their shed.


It is possible to use technology wisely because my oldest brother does that.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Wow! What a story. You have me so nervous about Facebook now!

Last year the brother to this cousin died. My sister-in-law told me not to send a card but simply post a condolence on Facebook...so I did because I felt she was more informed than I was about such things. Yesterday I did the same and posted a condolence on Facebook. But now I am a little worried about it because of your story!


Also, after reading your comment I can see where my brother might think I over-reacted. Maybe he uses group texting more than I do...which is...I pretty much never use it. Also, he probably sees me as someone on the "B" list because I live out West while he is on the East Coast close to family. My brother pretty much thinks America stops at Ohio! Seriously! We all gathered at my sister's house in Petaluma, CA when she was dying a few years ago...and my brother acted like he was in Australia or something!

I have lived all over, and on both coasts, and I do view my brother as someone quite...geographic-centric.


I can see it is very complicated.

I have probably given my brother another reason to think I am nuts.

I suppose every family has its dynamics.

I think the only acceptable thing my cousin wanted for us to have done was to attend the funeral for the few of us who lived close, and to mail cards for the ones who live far. Keep in mind though, this cousin has been consistently obnoxious to my mom over the years, and the way we heard about the death was an insulting way to my mom. My cousin’s son contacted my aunt’s daughter, who told my aunt, who told my mother and who emailed me and my sisters. It was very insulting that my mother, the older cousin (they were all very close at times), the one who lives close enough to attend the funeral, was not contacted at all by the family. Then when she leaves a facebook post, they saw it but deemed it not good enough.

If you are feeling doubts about your facebook post, you could mail a card, too- the old school way.

People are all strange. I don’t know what to make of them. If we all were polite, the world would be a nicer place.

You not getting told of your father’s death and missing th funeral WAS traumatic! I’m so sorry that happened to you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

It's funny how we will adapt to one thing but not another. I do send and receive photos on my phone.

Maybe I don't know what I am talking about.


I have been resisting being plugged into a phone all the time. I have been this way since the beginning. I never talk on my phone when I am out. Like never. I wait until I am home. Unless it is business related, then I will take calls in my parked vehicle.


Okay...there's this. I was a serious meditation practitioner for 25 years. I think it affected me in that I do like to stay in the present. Too much media is distracting. I haven't had a television for 15 years. I stream on my laptop but not very much.


Well, you know I contribute a lot on Psych Central. But I only belong to one online community at a time. I keep my Facebook friends to under 25!


I keep my Facebook to family and a few old friends.


I guess one of these days I will get a Smartphone. I guess I am much more of an introvert than I thought. I have one brother who has never had a computer! Ever. It's crazy but I feel the closest to him. He sends me gifts all the time...books...hoodies...earrings...things he picks up at flea markets. He sends me music in the form of CD's. (It's not just me. He sends everyone gifts.) And he writes real letters and sends handmade cards and artwork. He has a Smartphone and sends me pictures of hiking trails in the Northwest. The point is...he really knows how to stay connected. (This brother called me and he was very distressed about hearing of our cousin's passing via group text. So I wasn't completely alone in this. He said it really depressed him to hear the news in that manner.)

My brother had his own business and I guess he managed to run it without a computer and retired before it became impossible. He calls and texts a family member every single day. He is in touch with everyone...from great Aunts and Uncles all the way down to the newest wee babe...who was named after him. He writes articles for gardening magazines and sends his stuff in handwritten. I wouldn't say he isn't busy...as he is always helping someone in his community...building a fence for them...or helping pick up groceries...or painting their shed.


It is possible to use technology wisely because my oldest brother does that.

Your brother sounds like a great guy! How nice of him to send gifts. Very sweet!

Generally speaking whatever works for one person or for one family isn’t always what works for others. As long as it’s not rude or causes problems in people’s life whatever is a wise use of technology is subjective.

I think it’s just how things work for individual situation and life style and personality

Having said that, informing about death is different and generally texting might not be the best but again some people might not care. Not informing at all like in case of your brothers is almost unforgivable

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I suppose every family has its dynamics.

I think the only acceptable thing my cousin wanted for us to have done was to attend the funeral for the few of us who lived close, and to mail cards for the ones who live far. Keep in mind though, this cousin has been consistently obnoxious to my mom over the years, and the way we heard about the death was an insulting way to my mom. My cousin’s son contacted my aunt’s daughter, who told my aunt, who told my mother and who emailed me and my sisters. It was very insulting that my mother, the older cousin (they were all very close at times), the one who lives close enough to attend the funeral, was not contacted at all by the family. Then when she leaves a facebook post, they saw it but deemed it not good enough.

If you are feeling doubts about your facebook post, you could mail a card, too- the old school way.

People are all strange. I don’t know what to make of them. If we all were polite, the world would be a nicer place.

You not getting told of your father’s death and missing th funeral WAS traumatic! I’m so sorry that happened to you.

After hearing your stories I actually don't know what to think. Perhaps one reason for so much confusion around death is that we don't have a culturally set way of dealing with death.

In the old days set rituals helped us. I remember, as a child, when my Irish Nana died...how organized everything was. Hers was a family fraught with emotional complications...but everyone got organized...everyone trudged off to the wake...then trudged off to the funeral...then ended up at some local tavern, where I recall there was a lot of laughter and drinking and singing of beautiful Irish ballads. There was a script to follow and everyone followed it.


Unfortunately we don't have that now and it probably leads to confusion and hurt feelings.

Yes, last night I felt completely haunted by that memory of my brother not calling me after our father died. I wanted to immediately call him up and confront him. But today...sigh...I feel it isn't worth it. Why should I get all worked up over someone else's weakness and failings? Better just to move on.