Abandonment Issue

Ya, my biggest enemy is my own mind. She still yells and rants. It's lessened while we are in therapy, probably because she knows she will have to be somewhat accountable. I definitely let her mean words get to me sometimes. The other day, I forgot to tell her about plans my ex has for the kids and she read my phone and then asked if I was ever going to tell her about what my ex said. In the moment, I let her unkind words sink in and I panicked and lied and told her I didn't see the message. I thought about it later. I don't have to tell her ANYTHING if I choose not to! If she is so concerned, she could have asked. She is also welcome to look at my phone anytime. I have nothing to hide. So why should I feel bad that I forgot? Why should I lie to try and avoid conflict? I told her about 5 minutes later that I lied and said sorry because I hate that feeling, especially over something so petty. Of course she gets mad about it and tells me to go lie to someone else. One more example of how I can own my issues and apologize, yet she can't admit she flew off the handle about it. I'm definitely bringing that one up in therapy. B.S!

Perhaps you lied because you knew she would rant and rave again and you didn't want to face that? Or anything else that may be belittling and dismissive of you?

WHY is she looking in your phone, btw? Did she do that without you knowing and without asking?

Yes, I would definitely bring this up in therapy.

Your wife does not sound like a pleasant or even a nice person to be around. I really am wondering what it is that is positive that you get out of this relationship? I asked you this before and you never answered, which makes me think there's nothing positive you're receiving.

Well, you have a history of battle scars and part of why you avoid conflict is due to learning that if another person is incapable of valuing others, they tend to punch harder and hurt more and devalue you even more. Truth is we FEEL that, and because we were too young to know how to respond we genuinely feel helpless whenever certain confrontations happen. When we are young and genuinely don't have skills to engage, most learn to avoid and distance or take "flight".

I know you are working on your past traumas, trying to do the EMDR to process them. Yet, it's also important to identify the root, and most of the time that root tends to be different messages and behaviors that devalued you. When we are young we simply do not know that many of the behaviors we experience do not actually mean we have no value, but instead reflect the parent's or other individuals incompetence and lack of knowledge that they are projecting onto others.

It sounds like you get distracted by your own challenges and healing that you are zoning out certain things that make her feel that you are not paying attention to things she wants you to pay attention to. This may be triggering something from her past too where her needs went unheard and her presence was not acknowledged. Maybe her father did not acknowledge her, maybe he was abscent even. Has she shared her history with you?

Yes, I think you are right. I'm not sure why I'm slipping, other than being so tired from all the changes in my life right now.

Yes, she looked in my phone without asking. I have nothing to hide. I always feel bad after I look in her phone. I'm guessing she felt the same. Someone on these forums called it "pain shopping". You look until you find something you don't like. Yuck. Or on facebook, etc. I try not to do it.

I think I answered your question in another thread. But, she is really good with the kids. The sex is good. She is a genuinely nice person. She can hold an intelligent conversation. I know it must sound doom and gloom, but I only go on this forum for help with my issues. I know the yelling is bad, but I'm sure she feels the tension from me being closed off. I'm sure it agitates her. Not trying to excuse her behavior, but I think if she at least acknowledged my main issue and let me breathe a little, alot her anger would calm down. Unfortunately it just seems to agitate her all the more.

Thank you! Hopefully I get to those roots in therapy.

I do believe I am zoning out some stuff. It's exhausting. I feel like I'm carrying all the weight. Yes, we definitely go back and forth triggering eachother. Like someone said before, maybe you? A good therapist will see both sides and what triggers us and then help to mediate until we find a balance so we both get what we need. Apparently a good therapist is hard to find. Or I am just being impatient. We've only had 4 sessions.

Four sessions isn't very many guy. It is very probable that you are triggering each other and a good therapist will look into the behavior patterns that can stem from one's history. But that can take time and the idea is to help a couple understand each other better so they interact with their partner in ways that respect some of these challenges. Many members here do understand why her flirting triggers you, and it sounds like your wife doesn't get it. Yet, you also have done things that trigger her as well. And the whole point of this therapy is to find ways to change that problem you experience with each other.

Honestly, I met a woman that has a relationship therapist that her and her husband have met with for years, not so much to fix problems but to keep them on track with understanding each other's needs so their relationship stays healthy.

Hmm. Good with the kids, good sex, can carry an intelligent conversation and is generally nice. But she’s not very nice to you is she? Those reasons don’t hold a lot of weight - not for me at least. I know you’re trying to hold onto hope and be positive, and I understand that. She just sounds impossible and just like a narcissist. Narcissists are impossible to work with.

Ok, that gives me some hope! We had a minor breakthrough in therapy last night! The therapist explained how me always trying to be super understanding of her issues is kind of being co-dependant. Like I should be letter her fall down now and then or actually get upset with her for ranting all the time. And then I was able to get her to say sorry for making me feel like I can't express myself. I guess I will have to be more patient with this process.

You are right. I shouldn't let her get away with that crap. We did have a minor breakthrough as mentioned above. Thank you for all your support and understanding! You and everyone here have made my life bearable! Sadly I've been able to lean on you more than my wife for a long time. I hope your marriage gets better as well!!

Thank you, Guy.

I agree with you that you shouldn't let her get away with crap.

I am glad you have an outlet and support here! And I am glad that you're finding it to be useful.

Hang in there!

That is good that you had that break through in last night's session. It was also good that this therapist (in front of your wife) talked about how you slip into being codependent, something both of you need to realize. Your wife needs to understand how some of her behaviors can hurt you where you distance and stay quiet when instead you need to communicate with her when she IS behaving selfishly.

Ya, it was good for me to hear that. It humbled me a little, because I thought I was so smart and in control by just letting her blow all her steam and then talking calmly to her and asking if there is anything I can do to help. While it is good to be able to remain calm and be understanding in a heated situation, when she keeps doing it over and over I should be stepping in with some force behind my voice and tell her to stop it! Even if someone isn't directing a tantrum at you, you have to step in at some point and tell them to knock it off. It makes sense, like, I wouldn't allow a child to keep behaving this way. Maybe once or twice on the playground to let out some steam, but repeatedly in the house. No way!

I think I'll end this thread. Thanks everyone!!!

Ya, I'm hoping she is not still in denial. Once the pink cloud wears off we will see her behavior.

Thanks again!!

Hi Guy, I hope you keep having breakthroughs and things get much better for you both...I really do! I also do think it sounds that there could be a problem of narcissism. It would mean that things could seem to get better, but there'll always be a big question (one I had to ask myself) whether your partner really wants the relationship to work for you both, because of mutual respect and love, or whether they want it to continue because of how it benefits them. I'm not saying that is what your wife is doing, but it is a very hard thing to know for sure, and it will only really show when you do have conflicts. I struggle with conflict...but like yourself, can see when I've legitimately done wrong and would attempt to remedy somehow. From what I know of (covert) highly narcissistic people they will feign remorse often completely missing the reasons for the upset, and cast themselves as the virtuous hard done by person...they always get what they want, but never have what they want, and will project their disatisfaction onto you. Every issue you have will be about them (cause everything is about them) and they'll ask you why you can't just be happy with them. Being with someone like that is exhausting.

I really don't want to undermine your breakthrough...but it strikes me that you're putting so much emotional energy into repairing...I just really hope that things are getting better for the right reasons

Sorry, I missed these posts on this last page, so was replying to the last post on the previous page...all the best!

I agree with you @KBMK and that is why I am trying to listen as carefully as I can to guy because he has deep wounds from his time experiencing narcissistic abuse in his history. He is trying very hard to work through that challenge with his therapist. I empathize with that in that I do know what that is like first hand and I am sure others can sympathize as well. Yes, it's possible that his wife has some issues with narcissism but it's also possible she has her own challenges that get triggered too. This is something that as you mentioned will reveal itself with time.

Ok!

I understand your viewpoint. I will wait until the pink cloud fades. Thanks for your help!

Just be honest with her, and let her know how you feel. Its likely for a woman to dress more provocative when going out with the girls. Every woman loves attention from guys, it doesnt mean she will cheat on you. Innocent until proven guilty. Although i do not think its a good idea to keep going out with the girls where she goes, because temptation will arise.

I've been honest with her in the past and it backlashes, so I've pretty much given up on relying on her for support.

Yes, everyone enjoys some attention, men and women. No, I don't think she would cheat on me any time in the forseeable future.

My problem is, it triggers my abandonment issues and can be exhausting at times to calm myself down, so I come here for support.

Thanks for your thoughts!