Trust issues with my husband - please help

He's only done that one other time in the three years we've been together - so it's not frequent at all, but I agree that it annoyed me.

And yes, I've been drinking more lately to help me deal with all the stress as of late. I'm now going to curb it.

I don't know what my gut says - he hasn't been dishonest about anything else. But still, maybe I can never fully trust him based on these three instances. I do not know.

I wish I knew.

Hi

How are you today?

I do not have trust issues with my husband

He is often not available though even when he is at home, that's ok.. my ''family'' were almost never available when I was a cub.

as a result of that and other things..... i also have some trust issues at times.

good post - I also have a good gut instinct too... i have known a LOT of untrustworthy people so I am good at spotting red flags

I wonder why nobody replies to my posts in this section. No worries, I am probably doing something ''wrong''... slight sarcasm. I do not concern myself with the NUMBER of replies. what a waste of time worrying or obsessing about stuff like that. (NOT saying anyone here does that) If I have ONE person who somewhat gets me in a thread and no ''trolls'' that is usually ok

''nobody'' huh

and nobody took my bait

funny how some rush to my ''assistance'' just when i do NOT want THEIR input. Grrrr

(not anyone here)

Am just seeing your messages now. I’m at dinner. My husband is pretty much present and available. Just need to either get past the trust issues.. or not.

That's nice to know he is present and available.

I hope you are able to enjoy that, I would

I do! It’s very nice.

I hope you're able to benefit from all the advice here

Unfortunately I don't have time to read many posts due to my busy schedule.

Its very helpful yes.

@Fuzzybear, thanks for checking in on my thread. Sorry for my brief posts. I was posting from my phone last night, and it's just not the same. No emojis on my phone, or I'm not adept at figuring that out on my phone.

Hugs to you.

hey @Have Hope: I hope you stopped beating yourself up about drinking too much. We've all done it. Heck during the height of my alcoholism it was bad but I cant carry that monkey on my back anymore. Neither should you. I feel like you may sometimes feel like you have to be perfect but you dont. You are allowed weak moments and mistakes.

@sarahsweets, thank you soo much. I am not beating myself up AS much as I was, though I still am a little bit. I AM perfectionistic. I have a LOT of trouble when I make a mistake. And this was a huge mistake. I totally unravelled.

I called someone the night I was drunk and that person unfriended me from Facebook as a result. This is a man who was not that great of a person to begin with. But I must have gone off on him or said something offensive to him because he unfriended me.

I am trying to not let this hurt me too much because as I said, he's actually kind of a total sleazebag... he cheats on every single woman he's been with and admitted to me that he's very sneaky about it. Lord knows WHY I called HIM of ALL people to talk to that night. Apparently I called everyone I know. DOH!

Yeah, so I messed up big time and yeah, I feel a LOT of remorse over it.

But, that being said, I am trying to find compassion for myself right now over what I am going through. It's a most challenging time, far beyond COVID. And whenever I've gone off the deep end like this, it means I've been pushed beyond my limits. So I am trying to find compassion for myself over being pushed too far and for unravelling because of that.

I am right there with you.. I too can relate and I too am taking therapy as well . It has not been easy because he triggers those moments and I automatically assume he’s cheating. Which I know he is not. Which takes time and yet he has to be tho one willing to show you and gain your trust again. Also communicating is a big part too. To gain trust.

@Diaz2020, thank you for your post. I am very sorry to hear you go through something similar.

It's SO hard isn't it? I already had trust issues from past relationships, then my husband broke my trust on three occasions, and I assume that means he will also betray me and cheat on me because others have.

I know my husband is NOT cheating right now, but because he's lied before, I think what else will he lie to me about??

And he INSISTS he would never EVER cheat on me - but I've heard that one before from a pathologically lying ex who then cheated on me!

This makes it nearly impossible for me to trust my husband.

I gave that ex the benefit of the doubt over incidents that had occurred that should have been red flags, and I worry that if I also give my husband the benefit of the doubt despite these three instances, that I will then get seriously hurt down the road and resentful and kicking myself for overlooking red flags, IF they ARE red flags and indicators of trouble ahead.

My individual therapy IS helping ME at least a bit on this issue, but we've GOT to get into couples therapy.

I've got to tackle this issue of trust with him in therapy or else we will never make it and it will always be an issue for me/us. Or, perhaps trust is now forever broken and it can never be mended - ever.

I hope you can resolve your issue too.... it's not an easy one to tackle.

There seems to be too many red flags and your distrust in HIM is valid. Cheating on someone isn't a conversation you have by "promising" you'd "never cheat". That, alone, is a red flag. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. I don't have to promise my partner anything. It's just not a "me" thing to do.

I don't think there's anything he'll be able to do to rebuild that trust in you. He has tendencies that one would be concerned about, not just you. We all have a "good" side. It's really more about how low we allow our "dark" side to lead us. So far, he's gone pretty low.

Thanks, although I don't think it's a red flag that he promised he will never cheat. He knows it's my greatest fear, and we've had many different conversations about it.

And I don't know if I can work past the mistrust I have in him right now. It's a question mark. I am working on it to see if I can get past it. Right now, it's an unknown. Everything is unknown right now.

I am not in a right frame of mind. My mistrust has grown and is causing me to do things.

I went into his Facebook and found a porn like woman "following" my husband (her profile and cover photo images were porn like). I couldn't see that they were friends, but she "followed" him. She lives in London. Then I looked at her page, and the pictures all were very different from the porn like photos; they were of different people who looked nothing like this woman. I asked him about it, so he went into his settings to block her and several others he said he didn't know who were following him. Turns out his follows setting was set to public, so anyone could follow him.

Then after he adjusted all his privacy settings, I discovered that his friends list was made private, so I could not see his friends list. I made a comment about this too, he got upset with me for snooping, but changed the setting to friends so that all his friends can see his friends list, including myself.

But both raised an eyebrow and questions for me. Why did he change the setting of his friends list to private so that only HE could see it? And how and why was this porn woman from London following my husband? Had he followed her? Was his Instagram connected to his Facebook?

This morning he did not blow up at me, but he gave me a lecture saying I am making him sick with all my snooping and questioning of him. He practically blamed me for his physical problems right now, saying they're due to all the recent stress. He also told me my questioning of him cannot go on or else we're going to have a serious problem.

I am at a loss. I'm afraid I will never trust him again and that it's over. He says he is sick over it, and I feel like I am becoming sick.

I am becoming someone I don't wish to be.

Either I change what I am doing and how I am thinking or this does need to be over.

And I cannot end this relationship until I have secured employment so one of us can move out.

It's common to block friends' access to your friends list. I've done it. Who I'm connected to is private to me. I'm also not interested in the numbers game so I bow out. He may have blocked this to prevent potential issues. You read it as him being secretive. He corrected it again for you so maybe try not to over-read this one.

The trouble with dishonesty is that when one tells a truth, we don't find certainty in it. Your husband has dug a hole for himself and although he's sick of these questions, it's truly a part of the package when we're dishonest.

The bottom line here is, you don't trust him. Damage is done. Let go of the what-ifs and the snooping and focus on an exit plan. It's hard, I know. You can't change him or your feelings about him. If this was strictly due to your previous relationship issues, then this would be all on you. These feelings though, were brought on by HIS actions and you need to keep reminding yourself that. Sorry for my direct approach.

Thanks for your thoughts. I do appreciate directness sometimes.

I just emailed a couples therapist. I am not ready to walk away yet until we see a counselor first. So much is invested in this marriage, and I need to be 100% sure before I walk away.

Yes, he has eroded the trust and has dug a hole. You're absolutely correct. He cannot tolerate me not trusting him and questioning him, when I feel I have that right to do exactly that.

We need a third party intervention, ie a therapist.

What I question about the Facebook is he changed his privacy settings yesterday and opted for total privacy of his friends list, including from me. That makes me mistrust him even more. What is he hiding, if anything, is the question it raises.

And yes, I may never be able to trust him again based on the few instances of broken trust. This is very very possible at this juncture, and I am trying to wrap my brain around accepting this reality right now. It's SO difficult.

Thinking of ending my marriage is like the end of the world in my mind right now.

I am not a jealous person or have any kind of trust issues and my husband is not dishonest BUT if he had porn looking women following him (why?) or had private lists of friends I’d have an issue. I do think privacy is important but this is fishy. I don’t have any friends I don’t want my husband to know about, neither does he. What’s up with that

I think marriage therapy is a good idea but I have to say that end of marriage isn’t the end of the world whatsoever even if it feels like it is. It is not. I fact in many instances it’s the beginning, not the end.

On Facebook, it's a click of a button to block access to your friends list. My guess is, he just shut it off, which included you.. simply by default. Mine is still off and has been for years, so I'm not sure if the settings have changed with this.

I'll be honest, I don't like this guy, but I don't think he blocked your access to hide something. I don't think he put a lot of thought into anything and was just trying to make you "happy" by disconnecting himself from these followers.

Having said that, there's usually a reason why someone would follow someone. I don't really understand this feature if you're not on a friends list. What access do you get from clicking the follow button of someone you're not friends with? Was it just this one person (I can't remember)? I find it odd that a stranger would randomly do this by looking at a stranger's profile photo.

I'm on overload. I just had a third interview with a company and am a nervous wreck.

I don't know what to make of the Facebook stuff. I really don't. My husband has good traits too - he can be the most loving, giving and kind person. Everyone who meets him loves him to death. But he has a dark side, too.

And I won't know for a while if I can get past these trust issues.

I called a couples therapist who won't take my case because there's been abuse. He called back and left a message telling me that since there's been abuse, I should just leave. Awesome. He won't even work with us. That's not helpful. I need someone who is willing to work with us.

Maybe when you call therapists don’t tell them you were abused. Tell them you have a number of issues. They are probably don’t want to get involved in case you are in danger. Plus abuse can’t be fixed. It’s not recommended for couple in abusive marriage to go to therapy together.

Communication difficulty or having difficulty find common ground on some topics could be improved. Abusive marriage is abusive marriage and it won’t stop being that. They don’t want to waste yours and their time doing therapy with people in abusive marriages. In this case individual therapy is recommended

So I am not saying you should lie but I doubt any therapist would do couple therapy if there’s abuse

We shall see. I feel that being honest is best since we need to discuss his abusive traits and past abuse. I will see. I called a couple more therapists and left messages.