[cjnukem36]

hi,

well, hmmmm... uhuhhmmm...lets see, im 36 , married 6 years have 3 children 14 y/o from a previous disaster and a 3 & 5 y/o from an impending disaster. currently i am overseas as a Private contractor working in Iraq. this is my 3rd year here with a 13 month break inbetween year 2 & 3. I love my wife and my children with all my heart and would do nothing to hurt them... at least on purpose... see, i have a problem. TRUST and its destroying my wifes feelings for me and making us fight all the time which isnt very good due to the fact that im 7k miles away. hmmm, where to start, well, even though she has stuck with me through my problems and constant accusations and fighting and has never given me any concrete reason to think she would be unfaithful and is a great wife and reassures me all the time until she's blue in the face , i still have these bad thoughts and stories i tell myself when she's out with friends or at work or lately even at home. i do not have any support over here, i'm here to work and my family is dependent on this money , but if i dont fix this it will be my ex- wife is dependent on this money. i'm rambling:/ srry , feels good to let it out to someone other than my wife ... she is aware of these problems and has been for 5 yrs (yes, its been going on since we got married) and we have tried many things... but this is new for me. i am willing to do anything at all to learn anything to help ....so....nice to meet you all and hope omeone has some experience with this.

[Perna]

Hey, cj, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I had a couple of thoughts when I was reading your post.

Do you have trouble or as much trouble when you're home on leave as you do being over in Iraq?

Have you ever explored thinking whether it might be easier to focus on these unfounded thoughts and problems rather than on more "real" ones that you don't feel able to work on?

For example, my mother died when I was quite young so I have kind of built-in fears of being abandoned, caretaker dying, etc. A funny thing is, I lived in Washington, D.C. by myself in an apartment for 13 years with no problems but when I got married, when my husband would go out of town on a business trip, I would have to stay up all night for fear someone would break into the house while I was alone. I couldn't get to sleep until 4:00 a.m. or so when I was sure they had all gone home to bed :-) There were no robbers of course, but it was probably psychologically easier to focus on something that was a fairly sure thing NOT to happen than focus on the fact that my "care taker" had gone away? (who after my mother died, I centered on my father, and when he'd leave I'd get upset; so now I'm 57 and my father's dead, so I focus on my husband, etc.) . Do you see what I'm saying/asking? I had a zillion years of therapy and am not as anxious as I was, can go to sleep as long as the lights are all on at 3:00 a.m. now

[cjnukem36]

thank you for taking the time to write perna. to answer your questions first. i get to go home for 2 weeks every 4 months and during that time everything is great most of the time until i start digging for stuff:/ which i am aware that i do. we live in a very small town were everyone knows everbody and we go out to the local bar for bingo and dancing on the weekends when im home without incedent .
i know, it would be best to concentrate on the being happy and having fun in my relationship with my wife whom i love dearly. but i think i constantly think it would end my world if she cheated or left me. she tells me constantly though that what im doing is going to push her out the door but i cant seem to get a handle on it and i am so worried. i have to say i am a good looking man and i used to be a blast to be around and im sure thats what attracted my wife to me. it seems over the years that i have socially withdrawn and am not very pleasent to be around 50% of the time and i contribute that to this problem i have. and i am rdy to move on i just need the proper tools and guidance. and i am glad to hear that you issues are geting better and you are able to sleep better, i have in the past had problems with anxiety , impending doom to be exact and was unable to sleep a whole night and was often afraid to fall asleep for almost a year. thank god that has subsided. but i have a bevy of new probs that in my heart are much more severe

[Ocean13]

So, what has your T(s) told you was the cause for this anxiety? Was there an incident prior to Mom's death? I'm curious because I too feel the same way every time my spouse isn't around. However, I've had some sesrious incidents in my life that have made me afraid of being alone.
Thanks
Ocean

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
Hey, cj, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I had a couple of thoughts when I was reading your post.

Do you have trouble or as much trouble when you're home on leave as you do being over in Iraq?

Have you ever explored thinking whether it might be easier to focus on these unfounded thoughts and problems rather than on more "real" ones that you don't feel able to work on?

For example, my mother died when I was quite young so I have kind of built-in fears of being abandoned, caretaker dying, etc. A funny thing is, I lived in Washington, D.C. by myself in an apartment for 13 years with no problems but when I got married, when my husband would go out of town on a business trip, I would have to stay up all night for fear someone would break into the house while I was alone. I couldn't get to sleep until 4:00 a.m. or so when I was sure they had all gone home to bed :-) There were no robbers of course, but it was probably psychologically easier to focus on something that was a fairly sure thing NOT to happen than focus on the fact that my "care taker" had gone away? (who after my mother died, I centered on my father, and when he'd leave I'd get upset; so now I'm 57 and my father's dead, so I focus on my husband, etc.) . Do you see what I'm saying/asking? I had a zillion years of therapy and am not as anxious as I was, can go to sleep as long as the lights are all on at 3:00 a.m. now

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Ocean13]

CJ-
Wow. You have a lot on your plate. It cannot be easy for either you or your family to have these long separations. It's not a surprise that you may feel like you can't 'Trust' people when you're dealing with people in Iraq that you can't trust, TV & Movies tell us we can't trust our spouses/girl/boyfriends, it's also widely talked about amongest friends in the military afraid their spouses/girl/boyfriends are being faithful,etc. To 'not trust' people is practically drilled into us from every direction. I don't know how you should go about building this trust again with yourself and your wife.

If you two have given each other a reason not to trust each other than your trust isses would be understandable.

If there's been nothing that's happened to betray your trust with your wife,as you already know, you have trust issues to work on.

Looking into your past further..childhood, relationships, etc. Did you have trust issues then too? Ask yourself: How? When? Where? Why? Certain behaviors may trigger the negative thinking.

Check this out: http://www.coping.org/growth/trust.htm
some info here for you.

I realize you are a contractor and have to travel for the job...But are you being 'made' to go or are you going because you're using your job travel as an excuse to 'get away' from something happening at home?

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. I sympathize for all the stress you all must be understand.

Peace*

Ocean13



</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cjnukem36 said:
hi,

well, hmmmm... uhuhhmmm...lets see, im 36 , married 6 years have 3 children 14 y/o from a previous disaster and a 3 & 5 y/o from an impending disaster. currently i am overseas as a Private contractor working in Iraq. this is my 3rd year here with a 13 month break inbetween year 2 & 3. I love my wife and my children with all my heart and would do nothing to hurt them... at least on purpose... see, i have a problem. TRUST and its destroying my wifes feelings for me and making us fight all the time which isnt very good due to the fact that im 7k miles away. hmmm, where to start, well, even though she has stuck with me through my problems and constant accusations and fighting and has never given me any concrete reason to think she would be unfaithful and is a great wife and reassures me all the time until she's blue in the face , i still have these bad thoughts and stories i tell myself when she's out with friends or at work or lately even at home. i do not have any support over here, i'm here to work and my family is dependent on this money , but if i dont fix this it will be my ex- wife is dependent on this money. i'm rambling:/ srry , feels good to let it out to someone other than my wife ... she is aware of these problems and has been for 5 yrs (yes, its been going on since we got married) and we have tried many things... but this is new for me. i am willing to do anything at all to learn anything to help ....so....nice to meet you all and hope omeone has some experience with this.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Rhapsody]

Hello and Welcome.......

Have you ever thought about experimenting with your thought on where this TRUST issue as to where it really comes from? - for it has been my experience that a lot of unfounded relationship issue have more to do with our past than with our present partner.

I have personally found this book that was recommended by my T great in helping one to understand and resolve old wounds that now haunt & destory present relationship..... it is worth reading.

Feeling Buried Alive Never Die (by: Karol Truman)

http://psychcentral.com/reviews/show...8/cat/5/page/1

* * * * * * *

[Perna]

Hey, Ocean. My husband stays up later than I do and I was amused when I realized that if I left all the lights on in the living room, like they are when I go to bed and he's still up, that I could go to sleep much better.

That was all 10+ years ago. I was in therapy 1996-2005 because my stepmother got senile after my father's death in 1992 and I started coming unglued since I was having to help take care of her and it was dredging up all the issues from my childhood (my mother died July 1954 and my father remarried November 1955) and making me incredibly anxious. If this too controlling, forceful, strong woman couldn't take care of herself, what chance did I have? That sort of thing. Working on my own issues in therapy meant that I'm not quite so anxious about being able to "care" for myself.

However, now my husband and I are both retired. He's 7 years older than I am, and I'm starting to do the "what will I do when he dies?" thinking in the middle of the night. I'm working on that by figuring out some of the things that might be a problem (finances) and learning about and taking them over now so I'm more comfortable with how my life "works". We're working on getting our wills made and talking a bit about getting older, etc. and by facing my fears I'm less anxious overall.

[cjnukem36]

hi everyone,

thanks for the link ocean... even though i am now sooo scared because there are so many issues that i realized i have from looking at that info it's very overwhelming to me at this point. i am terrified that it is to late or me to work on these problems and no matter what i do things wont get back to what they used to be with my wife. i will try 100% to work on all these emotions and irrational thoughts to save my marriage. my wife says it's not to late, she allways says she loves me very very much and is still here even after all i have put her through. she keeps saying i just need to fix these problems and all will be ok. lol whats funny is i dont think she realizes that involves trust LOL how ironic.. anyways, i am going to try to believe that all will be ok for now. at least that will give me the drive to stop this crap. and as far as my history goes ocean.. well my parents always told me i was worthless, ofcourse i was a horrible trouble making teenager and my first wife cheated on me when i was going through my impending doom crisis and going to school to better my family. so i do contribute alot of this to those two things. thnx all ttyl

[sabby]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cjnukem36 said:
hi everyone,

thanks for the link ocean... even though i am now sooo scared because there are so many issues that i realized i have from looking at that info it's very overwhelming to me at this point. i am terrified that it is to late or me to work on these problems and no matter what i do things wont get back to what they used to be with my wife.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi cj

This statement of yours really hit me and I just wanted to say that no matter what the issues are, it is NEVER too late to work on them! While things may not get sorted the way you think they should be, the fact that you make the effort to change whatever you feel needs changing is what is important.

I think that whenever we realize that there are multiple issues in our lives that we need to work on, it's very important to not look at the big picture so as not to get anxious and overwhelmed and then just give up because it all seems too daunting a task.

When I did a lot of work on myself, I made a list of the 10 most important things I wanted to change within in me or within my lifestyle. From there, I made a list of what I thought to be 5 critical things that needed my attention. I then put them into the order that I thought at the time I needed to work on them.

Now, as you start to work on ONE thing, sometimes you take detours to other things along the way (they are all intertwined don't you think?). Just the fact that I even started working on those issues was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders....I was finally making headway!

But that is how I broke it down to make more sense to me and not give me such a sense of being overwhelmed by it all. And, I found that very often, one thing leads to another and before you know it, change is being accomplished. What an awesome feeling it is to realize that!

It's also important to remember that while we are working to make changes, that sometimes we stall or go a bit backwards....please don't be too concerned about that. Learning and change take time and practice and most of all an open mind to endless possiblities

Maybe too, you may have to change your perception of wanting things to be the way they used to be with your wife. I don't believe we can ever go back to those times, but I do believe we can grow, mature, learn and apply to the here and now so that our relationships can do the same thing and move onto another level. A level that is even greater than where it "used to be" if you get my drift

I wish you well in your quest to make the changes to yourself and your life that you feel you need to do.


sabby

[cjnukem36]

ok, wtf

well, just tried talking to my wife.. went through a whle ordeal this morning about her not being awake with the children when they got up. i was actually very calm and nice about it.. she had to go into work at noon and this was 11 a.m. when i called. anywasy long story short , i called again 20 minutes later after she had asked me to and woke her back up and one of our children (the youngest ) was pouring water all over the floor while she slept. i brought up to her that how can i learn to trust her with our marriage and my feelings if i cant trust her to make better decisions at home.. well, that blew up nto a huge arguement that was only made worse by the fact that she couldnt talk because she had to be at work in 20 minutes.. so i called her at work , i knew they wouldnt be that busy and we faght to the point where i said we have no where else to go except divorce if we can communicate. she in turn said i have done this for 5 yrs and its your turn to make the changes and i told her it takes two to make the changes and help with the problems i have and she seemed to be stuck on the fact that i need to do it myself... i dont know what to do but i know im dying inside because of this and i am just afraid that we cant communicate anymore.. this isnt a suprise or anything but it is worse this past year... im starting to wonder if i just dont need to leave everything ehid and move to a small 3rd world country to live out the rest of my days

[cjnukem36]

and something i have omitted... and im wondering if its me or something else... my wife says i call to much. i work nights which are days back in the states. she says i call about 4 to 5 times a day and IM here a few times a day. i dont think its excessive but she complains that she has alot going on in the day. she says 1 to 2 times a day is ok. but im supposed to understand how busy she is.. is it me thinking that means she doesnt want to talk to me or something on her behalf?

[Perna]

cj, you can't comment on your wife's behavior if you're not there. Make that a rule for yourself and things will get lots smoother in your relationship. You can't see/know what is going on. Kids are going to be pouring water on floors; wet floors are not murder! You can only control your own behavior, not your wife's so try only working on yourself and not worrying about changes in your wife until you are happy with yourself or you are there to comment on the problems in the household as the are occurring.

[cjnukem36]

i know its not a good thing to think you know what people are thinking. its just , when i call its because i miss her and i want to hear her voice. or sometimes im just bored and want someone to talk to . and honestly i feel that if we dont talk that often that maybe shes losing interest in me.. i know its stupid... but its how i feel. the water on the floor wasnt the big deal it was the fact that she was asleep while our young xhildren were running free in the house and i worry about them when im over here ya know.... and the fact that she slept until 1 hour before she had to go to work T's me off a bit. again, i know i dont know whats happening back home. im just so worried now and confused.

[Ocean13]

CJ- If your wife is ignoring your children like this during the day your concern is very important. For the children and for your wife. It sounds like she's having troubles of her own. Can you find your wife some counseling back home? Something she'd agree to do to help her with her feelings through this long separation you to are having? It sounds like she needs a support system. Can you leave your job temporarily to come home for a few weeks? Maybe the separation is taking it's toll on both of you.
I'm sorry that website added some extra concerns to your list. I just hope you both can find the help you need to make things work out.
OCEAN*

[Ocean13]

It's obvious CJ that you need and want your wife and family. That you're lonely and your fears are becoming stronger because you're confused on what's happening. Is it time to return home?

[tajk]

Hi. I am on the other end of the stick. I am the wife of a husband who is gone to work. We have been together married for seven years and have two kids ages 5&4. I can't speak for your wife but I can speak for me and my other friends who are in the same boat(there are 4 of us). We don't have time to shave our legs when our husbands are out of town. Kids take up a lot of time. I am on both of my kids school boards. We are busy volunteering for the schools. Not to mention Skating, Dance, Swimming, ect. I personally have no desire to go out and cheat on my husband and if I did what would I do with my kids? Where would I meet a new man. In the grocery store when I have stuff spilled all over me and a couple of kids climbing all over the cart. My husband is a good man, he is a great provider, and when he comes home he takes the kids for a day so he can reconnect with them and so I can have a whole day to myself. I wouldn't risk losing him for anything. He trusts me as much as I trust him. I am thankful that he thinks that my character is so great that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I would honestly be hurt if he always suspected me of whoring around town and thought that I was such a bad mother I would just drop my kids somewhere to have a romp in the sack with some guy. He also just calls me once a day (at my request) not because I don't love to talk to him but I am just so busy during the day I can't talk anymore than that. Try making a list of what your wife does in one day (if you need help ask your mom) and then you might see exactly what she does. Sorry for the rambling but I just thought you might want to see it from the flip side.

[cjnukem36]

tajk, thank you for the good words and for putting a perspective on my wifes day for me.. my children RE agaes 14, 5 and 3 all boys, i know they can be a handful. see , my wife doesnt do any of the things you are associated with at the moment, i would love her to be more active in that but she is still relatively young too. see, my thing is she took a part time job at the small bar in town waiteressing. she said she did it to get out of the house a bit and have some time to herself which i understand. but now those late nights are starting to interfere with the way she is caring for our children. dont get me wrong i dont think she is a bad mother at all, but i would like it if she is awake when they are ya know, that just seems like the responsible thing to me and everytime i try to bring it up she gets angry and we fight. i think i am approaching the right way by telling her it worries me when they are un supervised. i wish i could be like your hubby then but these trust issues always seem to get the best of me even though i know deep inside and sometimes right up front that she isnt and never has been the unfaithful kind. and she grew up without a father due to a broken home and the last thing she says she wants is a broken home for our children. ya know we live in a very small community and if anything were to happen like that everyone would know and i am sure that would be embarrassing to my wife with everyone knowing i am over here working. i am just so caught up in my old ways and want to stop