Am I A Terrible Person?

Hi All. Hope you are safe and healthy, wherever you are.

I am a 39 yo single woman. I desperately need to discuss a problem concerning my younger sister (32, married).

My sister loves me a lot. She knows I was neglected as a child so she tries to buy me nice things, sends me comfort food when I am sick, wants me to go stay with her, the whole works. Nobody has ever treated me so thoughtfully, and I am very grateful to have her in my life. Yes, she has a lot of psychological issues (things I discussed in an earlier thread) but she is seeing a therapist for it. So far so good.

The problem is, the nicer she is acting towards me the more trapped I am feeling. Whenever she meets me she expects to be kissed and hugged and treated like a baby. She speaks in a baby voice and cocks her head in a childish way and pouts and sings 'cute' little songs and they simply drive me crazy. She wants us to eat together, read books together, watch shows together. She wants me to dote on her 24 hours a day. So much so that I breathe a sigh of relief when she finally leaves to join her husband. I have started to dread her visits now.

I have tried to communicate my problem with her but she acts disproportionately hurt and dejected, as though I have crushed her feelings.

She is a nice person and I know she loves me. I know I shouldn't feel this way about a person who is my family and who loves me so much. But she truly suffocates me. She is coming tomorrow and already my anxiety has spiked. I tried to dissuade her but she said she misses me. What can I say to that? I want her in my life and I don't want to hurt her but I can't go on like this. Or am I the monster for thinking this way? Please help, I am going crazy. Or am I overreacting? I am not sure of anything. I hate drama and this is the most dramatic post I've written haha...but please, any insights?

I don’t think you’re a terrible person, or a monster. This behaviour is likely to make most people claustrophobic, and it is strange even if she wasn’t being overbearing with it. Hard to see how you could have a healthy relationship with each other at present, especially when she reacts so strongly to you communicating your own expectations/needs. I’m not sure what to suggest you do, I just really wanted to reassure you that you’re not going crazy or overreacting, because most adults don’t behave like your sister.
There’s likely a reason behind it, whether it gets addressed in her therapy or not. You don’t mention how your parents treated her, though? You don’t have to, of course, I’m just wondering how her upbringing might have contributed to this.

Just because you were neglected as a child doesn't mean you should be treated like one as an adult.

I might try to use some of the skills from DBT "Interpersonal Effectiveness" section & sit down & actually have a specific discussion with her about it, not just comments in passing.

I couldn't stand it when my parents tried to treat me that way & I knew they loved me I just couldn't stand being treated like a baby when I was growing up but I always had a very independent personality

Thank you so much for your kind reply. You have made me feel heard! To answer what you asked, when my sister was little she was treated like the baby of the house. Everyone doted on her - affection, gifts, zero responsibilities. Then I went abroad for a few years. After I returned I found her exactly the same. An overgrown baby. My mother encourages it because she likes people to need her. My sister is mostly good to me, except when I point out anything negative about her or ask her to do/stop doing something. Then she can be scathingly abusive. Is this the sort of thing you wanted to know?

i agree with the other wise and wonderfulposters that you're not a horrible person. i think it can happen to feel overwhelmed by too much constant attention. The best way would be to simply explain it to her but you've already said that she seems to get hurt. Unfortunately i am not sure if there's much else you can do. Just try to explain in the kindest possible way and let her know that you do Love her and that you want her in your Life. Perhaps suggesting some counseling may help if she's not too sensitive about that. i wish i could do more to Help. i HHope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Britedark, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Sending good vibes to you and your family too. Maybe things will improve with my sister once she makes some progress in therapy. In any case, I feel better just by sharing the problem and feeling heard by all of you. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for your reply and I will look into the section you recommended. Sorry to know about your beloved pet. Sending you good vibes.

You're not terrible at all. You need to believe in yourself. I wish you all the best.

Hi, Britedark! I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. Interestingly, my older sister and I have the same age gap and almost the same ages. I cannot imagine things not going well between us, so I understand why it's impossible to push her away. I agree with RoxanneToto that you aren't overreacting. I don't know if it's possible for both of you sort it out with a therapist. I hope you won't be too stressed when she comes tomorrow.

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It is so nice to read about your solid relationship with your sister. We used to share that kind of a bond as well. Let's hope things will improve with time. All of you have helped me immensely to put the situation into perspective. I am feeling much better about tomorrow

I would describe the above as emotional blackmail, which is when someone punishes you emotionally when you don't do or say what they want.

Emotional blackmail - Wikipedia

I would not describe her as being nice to you when she persists in doing things that drive you crazy and then gets unpleasant when you share how you feel about what she is doing. Nor would I consider those behaviors to be age-appropriate ways to demonstrate love for you.

Why shouldn't you feel that way? A serious question.

It sounds like you feel helpless to do anything about her visits or behavior.

You are not a monster. Just to give you some perspective, if I myself had a sibling who was doing what your sister is doing I would feel very much like you are describing. Suffocated. Overwhelmed. Anxious about, dreading their next visit.

My thinking is that you have two basic choices. You can allow things to continue as they are, in the name of family and her feelings about you. Or you can have an honest conversation with her in which you establish some boundaries.

In my opinion the second choice is healthier for you--and also for her. However, you will be running the risk that she gets upset, gets abusive, speaks poorly about you to family, and separates herself from you, at least temporarily.

If you decide to establish some boundaries, what might they be?

No.

Good post

You’re welcome
Yes, that’s what I was asking and your reply isn’t surprising to me - especially your mother liking people to need her. I agree with what Bill3 said about the emotional blackmail. It’s natural that you wouldn’t want to push her away, but in the long run, to protect your own mental health it would be good to set your boundaries with her. You might well end up cutting contact with her in the end, if she can’t accept that you don’t want to tolerate her behaviour/treatment of you.
My own counsellor says that there aren’t really any “should/shouldn’ts” when it comes to how we feel about family members. Those feelings exist for a reason, and our relationship to XYZ person shouldn’t automatically trump how we feel. I used to think I “should” like my dad, for example, but the truth is, I disliked him for reasons most people would find understandable.

I am really grateful for your reply. I agree with your point about setting boundaries. I try it with my sister all the time, and it feels like an uphill struggle. I have some maternal feelings towards her and she knows how to milk them. But I acknowledge that I need to keep trying if I am to have any kind of relationship with her, no matter how anxious I feel at the thought of confronting her. There is no knowing which version of her I am going to get.

You asked me why should I feel bad about resenting my sister. I think the reason is, because I believe she loves me. Many times she does thoughtful things for me. We shared a beautiful bond when we were children. I am wary about hurting someone who loves me. But these days more and more I am feeling like her prisoner.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It felt really good to get these things off my chest. Sending good vibes to you.

I am really grateful for your reply. I agree with your point about setting boundaries. I try it with my sister all the time, and it feels like an uphill struggle. I have some maternal feelings towards her and she knows how to milk them. But I acknowledge that I need to keep trying if I am to have any kind of relationship with her, no matter how anxious I feel at the thought of confronting her. There is no knowing which version of her I am going to get.

You asked me why should I feel bad about resenting my sister. I think the reason is, because I believe she loves me. Many times she does thoughtful things for me. We shared a beautiful bond when we were children. I am wary about hurting someone who loves me. But these days more and more I am feeling like her prisoner.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It felt really good to get these things off my chest. Sending good vibes to you.

To be honest I have considered severing ties with her on previous occasions but if I even drop a hint she cries and becomes so distraught my heart melts and we are right back where we started. I can't stand to see her in pain. Perhaps much of the problem stems from my weakness. I just want her to become an independent person and start behaving like a normal adult. I want to have a healthy, sisterly relationship with her. I wish I could make her see this.

Thank you for your solid support. You listened to me in my time of need and it means a lot to me. Hugs.

Quote:

I wish I could make her see this.

That is what I like about the DBT interpersonal effectiveness. It draws them into the conversation rather than making them feel attacked & hopefully allows you to get what you want to say said without all the emotions involved.

Hmmmm, wanting her to act like an adult may take therapy on her part. My mom never acted like an adult around her parents even though she kinda did at other times when not around them. Learned behaviors that have become a habit are a habit that can be hard to break

I would reframe your “weakness” as compassion - but being able to step back and view things more objectively is a useful skill to learn you clearly just want the best for her, though one person can’t fix any relationship on their own. I hope she can get to a point in her therapy where she feels ready/able to address her childlike behaviour. I’ve never tried DBT myself, but this could be a good tool for you to use in your interactions.

Maybe you've watched an episode of "The Dog Whisperer - Ceasar Milan." He often goes into a home where there is a dog who just loves and loves and loves one person. He always sits on that person's lap, doesn't want anyone else to touch that person, has a fit if that person leaves the house. The person typically says, "This dog just loves me so much." Ceasar will say that dog isn't expressing love. That dog is claiming you as his property. The dog wants to own you. That is disrespectful.

You need "boundaries." You need to learn the power of "No." Right now, when you try to say No, you feel you have to give her a big rationalization. Start turning down some of her invitations . . . without pleading for her permission to have your own life. She's claiming your person, your attention and your time. That's her being grabby. A lot of what she does is not coming from a place of love. A lot is coming from a place of greed and refusal to respect that your time and space belongs to you. She is "intrusive." She gets away with it.

You have to stop idealizing her and treat her like the spoiled pooch who insists on jumping all over his person. Back her down.

I love my brother dearly but if he wanted to show up at my house all the time hugging and kissing and wanting us to hang out all the time I’d not have any tolerance for it. It’s perfectly fine to say that you are busy, not home, have stuff to do, cleaning, laying down, have work to do etc The thing is you cannot change your sister or her behavior but you can control your own. In this case you can control how much she can come over. She might be upset when you say you aren’t available but she’ll have to get over it

I did not know about DBT before. I'll definitely look into it. Anything that can help us communicate better. Thank you for the suggestion.

My God! What you have described is exactly how my sister behaves! I don't wish to insult her but this is eerily accurate. I am grateful to you for putting things so plainly. I knew something was off kilter but now I can put the finger on it. I think I'll be better equipped to deal with her when she visits today. Already my anxiety level has gone down a notch.

I guess I need to be more mindful. I can start out by having a stern talk, setting boundaries etc etc. But a couple of days down the line things will tend to slide back to how they were. That's where the real danger lies. Oh well.

Thank you for your reply and you are absolutely correct. I need to take responsibility for my part in this dynamic. A lot of you have suggested DBT and I will look into it. Anything that will help me maintain a (as far as possible) healthy relationship with her.

The person you need to have a stern talk with is yourself. Whatever you say to her will go in one ear and out the other. You don't establish a boundary by proclamation. Instead, you simply start defending against her intrusions. She'll figure it out. I'm sure she's a dear soul 😁, but think of her as a puppy . . . or a toddler who hasn't learned English yet. When she starts pawing you, press her arms back to her side and say, "Sis, we're going to be a little less touchy-feely."

I once watched a pretty nurse speaking with an elderly male patient who was getting ready to "cop a feel." She cupped his elbows in what seemed like a sweet gesture, but it gave her control of his arms and hands. I can't really illustrate that adequately, but you can experiment and find what works. Nurses often deal with patients who want to plant a kiss, or pat a butt. They learn how to deflect those advances, without saying a word. You start to "claim your space and own your space."

Once you change your mindset, you'll figure out ways to stop her intrusiveness - whether physical or otherwise. She'll adapt . . . but she'll keep testing you. Good luck. You can do it.

Thank you, your suggestions are very helpful. Since you have been so understanding I'd like to ask you something further. In the past I have tried to stop the touchy feely behaviour. But then my sister told me that her love language is 'physical affection', and she won't feel loved unless I demonstrate through hugs and kisses. Do you know anything about it? Is that the only way some people feel loved? I am not trying to justify her behaviour, I am just requesting some clarity so I can understand things better.