[Vindicated17]

So I’m dealing with the after affects of a 2.5 year relationship and am about 4 months out of it but many occurrences, instances and words said to me over that time plays on my mind. She had an anxious attachment type, I am secure (Although she believes I’m Avoidant). At the beginning of the relationship she always used to say that it would be her own insecurities that would be the cause for the relationship to end. Now I am post end and I finally believe that to be true. Time after time I was given this false narrative that I am only with her because she was the “safe choice” and that to be with her then I was only “settling”. A False narrative that I am only using her and that one day I will just fall out of love with her and leave her because that happens to “other people”.

I am a believer that you cannot have love without trust and you cannot have trust without respect. My love grew secure while hers was every much insecure. In the end, it was the bottom base of respect that was my deciding factor to walk away. This person did not respect me, thus could not trust me and thus could not truly love me.

I was countlessly asked “So what do you think of when we have sex?”. I always answer the same, of course I was only in the moment with her and thought of no one else but her. To be asked this question every couple of months was a true hit to my character and invalidated myself and our sex life. I would be asked so are you “In love” or just “love”?. I’d be asked so do you still want to get a house together? I wrote in a Valentines Day love letter “I love you more and more everyday” but it was met with words of “what do you mean by that as you do less and less every?” A total punch to my heart and devotion. I was also told “Maybe someone doesn’t need all that you do do” and then the next day told “she didn’t mean it that way” which is a form of gas lighting. I was asked questions such as “So do you think you’re a good boyfriend?” “Do you feel that you nurture this relationship?”. These types of questions felt degrading, insulting and being called to the carpet one too many times. I’m not a used car trying to sell myself. This person obviously didn’t know who I was, what I stand for nor understand that she was loved more than anyone in my life. For this very reason I decided to walk away.

To this day, these issues hurt me. I loved and cared about someone more than I ever have before. Because of their own insecurities, it was projected on me and made me feel that I was not enough, that I wasn’t doing enough, and that she was always at a “crossroads” making me feel that she would be on her way out soon. Yet, I was put a pedestal in every aspect and always told I was the best boyfriend in every aspect she’d ever have. A Pedestal to always questioning my worth and making me question my own worth myself? Up and down….Up and down. I walked away from this type of toxicity as love should bring you up and not down. Someone should uplift you, not make you question your worth and devalue all that you bring.

Has anyone else been through this type of emotional abuse? Has anyone ever been through this type of toxicity?

[mssweatypalms]

I'm glad you were able to walk away from her. My ex-boyfriend was a bit like that. I felt that I was constantly being doubted and mistrusted even though I wasn't doing anything. When I want to go back to my place early, he would ask if I was dating anyone else. At first, it sounded like a harmless joke, but he kept on asking it whenever I left. He would even book a ride for me from his phone to make sure I was going home. After that, he'd ask me to send a picture of myself in my home when I arrived. Then once, he opened the topic of happiness. "I want to make you happy. How are you gonna make me happy? You should think about that."

The last straw was when he forced himself on me because he wanted to have kids right away. I already told him that I was not ready yet, but one day he just did it and told me he hoped I'd get pregnant. I cried and he said I was overreacting because we would have children anyway, so the only reason I'd be worried was that I was seeing another man. I didn't know what to do as I was embarrassed to tell anyone about it.

He was emotionally abusive as well when it comes to my mood swings. I posted in another thread, and the issue was that he got irritated and blamed me when I was depressed. He said I made myself miserable because I wanted to. I questioned myself why I was in this kind of relationship and decided to end it as soon as I found out I was not pregnant.

Welcome to the forums, by the way. @Vindicated17

[RoxanneToto]

I’m so sorry about what happened to both of you. I can only say your ex does sound very insecure and distrustful, and it’s understandable that her constant questioning and false assumptions about your feelings/motives in the relationship would make you walk away. Love requires trust, mutual respect and friendship, among other things.
It sounds like she’s had a rough time before, but she needs to recognise her own behaviour is just going to drive other people away and work on herself if she wants to have a better chance at a healthy relationship in future. Or, just stay single if it’s too stressful for her (not denigrating that choice at all. I’m single for precisely that reason myself).

[MickeyCheeky]

*pedestal! So Sorry for what you guys have been through and are still going through! i agree with you and the other wise and wonderful posters that Love and mutual Respect are necessary to make a relationship work. It seems like she may have been insecure herself. Have you tried to tell her that this behavior was putting you off perhaps? Maybe some therapy could have been a good idea for her as well. In any case it is your decision how to move forward. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Vindicated17, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

*pedestal! So Sorry for what you guys have been through and are still going through! i agree with you and the other wise and wonderful posters that Love and mutual Respect are necessary to make a relationship work. It seems like she may have been insecure herself. Have you tried to tell her that this behavior was putting you off perhaps? Maybe some therapy could have been a good idea for her as well. In any case it is your decision how to move forward. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Vindicated17, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you so much for responding to my thread! She has actually done therapy before I met her for an abusive ex bf. Then while with her she did therapy regarding her sister for whom she decided to cut ties with. Then at the end of our relationship she just started therapy regarding her Dad that passed several years ago and said oh she finally figured out why she's so insecure....this was the THIRD issue to have therapy for which was my final straw...what's next..therapy for her mom? therapy for Santa Claus? The Tooth Fairy? Enough was enough and nothing ever changed in the end so I knew I had to walk away. We have also done couples counselling before a couple of times to which things would start to get better then there would be an issue and she'd take two steps back.

[Rive.]

It is a bit extreme to call her emotionally abusive. From what you wrote, it seems she is emotionally insecure and yes, maybe projecting these insecurities. There is still a world of difference between these two.

Your walking away only served to 'prove' her subconscious right i.e. that she is unlovable or underserving of love... or whatever her script is.

To me, that suggests she needs help and compassion rather than to be vilified or labelled as abusive.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Rive.

It is a bit extreme to call her emotionally abusive. From what you wrote, it seems she is emotionally insecure and yes, maybe projecting these insecurities. There is still a world of difference between these two.

Your walking away only served to 'prove' her subconscious right i.e. that she is unlovable or underserving of love... or whatever her script is.

To me, that suggests she needs help and compassion rather than to be vilified or labelled as abusive.

Everyone needs help and compassion, but we are still expected to take responsibility for our words and actions, no? Even if you (general you) have insecurities.


Are these examples not emotionally abusive to you?

"I was given this false narrative that I am only with her because she was the “safe choice” and that to be with her then I was only “settling”. A False narrative that I am only using her"

"what do you mean by that as you do less and less every?”"

"“Maybe someone doesn’t need all that you do do”"

And how about their effect on OP? That OP described in detail. It does sound like repeated emotional abuse to me based on all that. Or are you trying to say all that was in OP's imagination and not real emotional effects?


So... people may have insecurities but they need to take responsibility for dealing with them rather than act like vampires and do Cluster B drama like OP's girlfriend seems to have done.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Vindicated17

Has anyone else been through this type of emotional abuse? Has anyone ever been through this type of toxicity?

Yes, though in a different situation (not romantic and so it was different sentences but a lot of the underlying stuff was the same). Don't listen to anyone that says you need to give even more of yourself to people who are not ready for a secure relationship and who blame it their lack of readiness on you. Do you have any questions? I can try and answer if you have any

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by alive99

everyone needs help and compassion, but we are still expected to take responsibility for our words and actions, no? Even if you (general you) have insecurities.


Are these examples not emotionally abusive to you?

"i was given this false narrative that i am only with her because she was the “safe choice” and that to be with her then i was only “settling”. A false narrative that i am only using her"

"what do you mean by that as you do less and less every?”"

"“maybe someone doesn’t need all that you do do”"

and how about their effect on op? That op described in detail. It does sound like repeated emotional abuse to me based on all that. Or are you trying to say all that was in op's imagination and not real emotional effects?


So... People may have insecurities but they need to take responsibility for dealing with them rather than act like vampires and do cluster b drama like op's girlfriend seems to have done.

thank you!!!

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by Alive99

Yes, though in a different situation (not romantic and so it was different sentences but a lot of the underlying stuff was the same). Don't listen to anyone that says you need to give even more of yourself to people who are not ready for a secure relationship and who blame it their lack of readiness on you. Do you have any questions? I can try and answer if you have any

At this point I do have a question on how and what can I do to escape this trauma bond. It's been four months since I have walked away and yet I still think about the past and hurtful times (also positive memories). I find that the relationship to this day consumes most of my thoughts and energies. I did some reading on trauma bonds and believe this to be the case, I've tried therapy but found the one hour sessions every other week to be expensive and at the end of the day I could just talk and vent about the issues to friends, or internet forums. I have overwhelming frustration and anger at the other party. Instead I bet the downfall was projected on me and that after all "Oh I must have never loved them" and "I didn't love them unconditionally" after all. It makes me so upset and angry because you can still love someone unconditionally but you can do so from afar and not accept their bad behavious and/or abuse.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Vindicated17

At this point I do have a question on how and what can I do to escape this trauma bond. It's been four months since I have walked away and yet I still think about the past and hurtful times (also positive memories). I find that the relationship to this day consumes most of my thoughts and energies. I did some reading on trauma bonds and believe this to be the case, I've tried therapy but found the one hour sessions every other week to be expensive and at the end of the day I could just talk and vent about the issues to friends, or internet forums. I have overwhelming frustration and anger at the other party. Instead I bet the downfall was projected on me and that after all "Oh I must have never loved them" and "I didn't love them unconditionally" after all. It makes me so upset and angry because you can still love someone unconditionally but you can do so from afar and not accept their bad behavious and/or abuse.

Yes, that's familiar...I was also given a certain ******** statement by the person about my attitude to them/to the relationship..., not the same claims you received, but I really relate as far as it really stuck in my mind and all that trauma bond thing around it is familiar too. I'm not sure I'll be able to tell you how to leave it all behind fast, it might take more time, it's taken time for me too & I'm still not totally over it, only partially.

What do you think makes you angry and frustrated and upset the most? That you put in a lot and all you got back was this in the end, all this blame, etc? Or is it something else that upsets you the most?

For me, the things they said to me, especially near the end, the worst thing they said, that certain statement, it was all very personal things to say, extremely so, and that's where I got really stuck in it. It all happened to also devalue all my efforts too for that relationship but that was only the second worst thing, not what I was/have been most upset about. I can just call my efforts "sunk cost" really. That part is fine. But the rest....


So I'm noticing one thing, the claims you list, "Oh I must have never loved them" and "I didn't love them unconditionally", they are of course untrue, you would know they are untrue right? That's how it is for me too, I know it's factually untrue and I know my emotions are just not what they tried to describe them as, and I bet you know too, you even explained it here how it's not what your emotions really are.

Yet somehow something made me stuck on it, even if I knew all that, even if I was continually angry and tried to defend myself in every possible way. Somehow it was/has been like emotional gaslighting for me. Do you relate to that at all?

That is what I want to fully extract myself from, and have partially managed so far. What I think for myself is, the strong emotions this person used to try and bull**** to me like that about the relationship and my emotional attitudes, that is where it really made it go deep in my subconscious. And that's where I'm fighting to extract it all and become free of all of it.

It is not easy to get free of all the false narratives, but it can be done, I've done the work partially already. Good luck to that!! and feel free to share more on it on here if you feel it would help.

[Fuzzybear]

[Britedark]

I went through your post and the responses and there are some very helpful suggestions. One thing that helped me enormously after my break up with a controlling ex was to do everything he had forbidden me to do. I still celebrate the day of our break up and call it Independence Day. Instead of mourning the demise of your relationship is it possible to see it as a celebration, the end of a bad chapter? Maybe go to a restaurant by yourself (corona permitting), order your favourite food and drinks, eat dessert, buy some expensive cologne, basically do/buy anything you enjoy. Indulge in some major self care and remind yourself that you are worth it. What doesn't kill you et cetera.

If this feels unhelpful please ignore. I do not intend to invalidate your pain. Just sharing what helped me.

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by Britedark

I went through your post and the responses and there are some very helpful suggestions. One thing that helped me enormously after my break up with a controlling ex was to do everything he had forbidden me to do. I still celebrate the day of our break up and call it Independence Day. Instead of mourning the demise of your relationship is it possible to see it as a celebration, the end of a bad chapter? Maybe go to a restaurant by yourself (corona permitting), order your favourite food and drinks, eat dessert, buy some expensive cologne, basically do/buy anything you enjoy. Indulge in some major self care and remind yourself that you are worth it. What doesn't kill you et cetera.

If this feels unhelpful please ignore. I do not intend to invalidate your pain. Just sharing what helped me.

Thank you for your post! I have pretty much done all that you mentioned and I would do those things as well during the relationship. I always wanted to still have "Me" time which I made time for when time permitted. What I am looking forward to still doing though alone is going Fishing, Going to the Movies (When it opens back up), Going to the bar to watch a sporting event (When it opens back up), Booking Massages etc. Like everyone I am sure I have my up days and down days. Totally was totally an up day. What helped was reading everyone's responses/posts in the couple of threads I had posted and they help give me that reassurance that I am not alone in any of this. Thank you to everyone for their words, time, suggestions, experiences and advice!

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by Alive99

Yes, that's familiar...I was also given a certain ******** statement by the person about my attitude to them/to the relationship..., not the same claims you received, but I really relate as far as it really stuck in my mind and all that trauma bond thing around it is familiar too. I'm not sure I'll be able to tell you how to leave it all behind fast, it might take more time, it's taken time for me too & I'm still not totally over it, only partially.

What do you think makes you angry and frustrated and upset the most? That you put in a lot and all you got back was this in the end, all this blame, etc? Or is it something else that upsets you the most?

For me, the things they said to me, especially near the end, the worst thing they said, that certain statement, it was all very personal things to say, extremely so, and that's where I got really stuck in it. It all happened to also devalue all my efforts too for that relationship but that was only the second worst thing, not what I was/have been most upset about. I can just call my efforts "sunk cost" really. That part is fine. But the rest....


So I'm noticing one thing, the claims you list, "Oh I must have never loved them" and "I didn't love them unconditionally", they are of course untrue, you would know they are untrue right? That's how it is for me too, I know it's factually untrue and I know my emotions are just not what they tried to describe them as, and I bet you know too, you even explained it here how it's not what your emotions really are.

Yet somehow something made me stuck on it, even if I knew all that, even if I was continually angry and tried to defend myself in every possible way. Somehow it was/has been like emotional gaslighting for me. Do you relate to that at all?

That is what I want to fully extract myself from, and have partially managed so far. What I think for myself is, the strong emotions this person used to try and bull**** to me like that about the relationship and my emotional attitudes, that is where it really made it go deep in my subconscious. And that's where I'm fighting to extract it all and become free of all of it.

It is not easy to get free of all the false narratives, but it can be done, I've done the work partially already. Good luck to that!! and feel free to share more on it on here if you feel it would help.

Hello! I was re-reading this thread as I find that it helps when I am having a low and feel like I am not progressing. What makes me frustrated and angry at times the most is yes that I put in all of my effort, time, feelings, kids lives, time, love, time, physical intimacy, time, emotional intimacy, time...yes I've mentioned time the most as I believe time to be the most valuable commodity one can give. All of my spare time (my entire kid free weekends), most weeknights etc were spent with this person. I didn't go out with friends or family and always chose her. All of the late night phone calls every single night we weren't together before bed. All of the foot rubs, massages, leg rubs, scalp massages, hair playing, sex, cooking for her, driving her to the hospital at all times of the night for illness.....So much time...and this person truly didn't understand or know how I felt, hence always doubting me, not trusting and questioning my love.

What has also stuck with me was that I was told every couple of months that I wasn't able to "put myself in someone elses shoes"...I would also hear her out what she had to say regarding her insecurities but 99% it was based on what she thought I was feeling or thinking or behaving and it was 100% false and untrue so I did not agree with her. I can hear her and see where she was coming from but I would not agree. It's like if I didn't agree with her and go along with her false narrative then I somehow was not capable of putting myself in someone elses shoes and that hit me hard. I was also called dismissive, again but I did not agree with her frame of mind on her opinion of my feelings or my heart. I am neither of those things projected upon me. Just thinking about it hurts a lot at this very moment still.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Vindicated17

Hello! I was re-reading this thread as I find that it helps when I am having a low and feel like I am not progressing. What makes me frustrated and angry at times the most is yes that I put in all of my effort, time, feelings, kids lives, time, love, time, physical intimacy, time, emotional intimacy, time...yes I've mentioned time the most as I believe time to be the most valuable commodity one can give. All of my spare time (my entire kid free weekends), most weeknights etc were spent with this person. I didn't go out with friends or family and always chose her. All of the late night phone calls every single night we weren't together before bed. All of the foot rubs, massages, leg rubs, scalp massages, hair playing, sex, cooking for her, driving her to the hospital at all times of the night for illness.....So much time...and this person truly didn't understand or know how I felt, hence always doubting me, not trusting and questioning my love.

What has also stuck with me was that I was told every couple of months that I wasn't able to "put myself in someone elses shoes"...I would also hear her out what she had to say regarding her insecurities but 99% it was based on what she thought I was feeling or thinking or behaving and it was 100% false and untrue so I did not agree with her. I can hear her and see where she was coming from but I would not agree. It's like if I didn't agree with her and go along with her false narrative then I somehow was not capable of putting myself in someone elses shoes and that hit me hard. I was also called dismissive, again but I did not agree with her frame of mind on her opinion of my feelings or my heart. I am neither of those things projected upon me. Just thinking about it hurts a lot at this very moment still.

Hello, I'm not often online these days but I saw your post. I'm so glad if this thread helps you. Yes I think that thing is in the category of emotional gaslight, being told that you are not able to have basic empathy. What do you think hit you so hard about this particular accusation? If you want to share more on that, feel free to.

[Vindicated17]

Originally Posted by Alive99

Hello, I'm not often online these days but I saw your post. I'm so glad if this thread helps you. Yes I think that thing is in the category of emotional gaslight, being told that you are not able to have basic empathy. What do you think hit you so hard about this particular accusation? If you want to share more on that, feel free to.

I would say what hit me hard was that it felt like it was a shot to my personal character. I know I'm a great person and was raised right. I have a huge heart and very much care about people and more so in the one that I am with as a partner. I give things my all and give all of me, my time, my attention, my emotions. If something is bothering someone I am always there to listen and talk through what is going on. I would be told that I am dismissive and can't put myself in someone elses shoes. It would be an endless cycle. She would tell me what her issue was, I would listen, respond calmly and tell her that I hear her and that what she was thinking or accusing was not true. It usually pertained to my feelings about her in a negative way is what she perceived. Such as I was not into her as much as she was to me, or I didn't love her as much as she loved me, or she would thinking I was thinking about someone else during sex and I could go on forever. I would reassure her that whatever she was thinking that I was thinking or feeling was false. And only because I did not agree and go along with her false narrative, then I'm not able to put myself in someone's shoes??? Well my feet can't feet in those shoes as they must be do big and I was always stumbling and falling in those shoes....There are a lot of cold mean people out there or sociopaths and narcissists. I am none of those and have a huge heart so to be told I am lacking something that I KNOW that I am not repeatedly really makes me frustrated, hurt and angry because it's coming from the person I loved the most (besides my kids).