Just trying to process and decide best direction

My husband of 8 years lost my trust in our 3rd year of marriage. Sometimes I get so tired of always worrying and wondering if he is talking to another woman inappropriately. A couple of weeks ago I found deleted parts of a conversation where he told the secretary at his office she had a tush to die for. I could only see one side of the conversation but it started with "what do I get out of this deal" "don't tease""whatever" "it's just your cuteness" "darling you've got a tush to die for" "liar!" "Truth!". I have no idea what she was saying to any of this but in my head it wasn't a good Convo for a married man to be having. Then last week I found a conversation before he got it deleted she said dang you left too soon!!!! He said lol she said you did I dressed up. He said well hell as what she said bad sandy from grease then he told her to take a pic and show him on Monday and she said she would. I confronted him and at first he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then when I started reading the Convo he said none of the other guys at work like her and he is trying to be nice to her. He said he didn't see anything wrong with it.

Part of me is like can my husband be that stupid or does he just think I am that stupid. How are we supposed to gain back any trust in our relationship if he talks to other women like that. I don't want us to be doomed but how do you have a relationship without trust???? I am so torn and unsure of what to do, think, or feel right now

That whole situation - his texts, what he said when you confronted him - is a red flag. What did he do to break your trust? Why are you with him?

Agreeing. Red flag. The fact he first acted like he didn't know...Red flag. If I were in a relationship or marriage, and my partner was doing this? I would be very upset and unhappy. There's a major difference between being nice to someone and flirting with them. Being nice to someone is smiling at them, saying hello, asking how their day was. Doing small random acts of kindness. Not ya know, saying they have a nice tush. That's not being nice, that's flirting and also inappropriate in a work setting.

I am deeply sorry this is happening, I can only imagine how you feel. I can't tell you what to do, but from reading this it sounds like you have valid reasons not to trust him. Our instincts are typically correct. Trust yourself.

I am always afraid to trust my gut because I spend too much time obsessing then I worry that I am making too much of something or imagining stuff that isn't there. I don't think he is cheating physically but part of me asks myself does that matter.

As for how he broke my trust. That is a nightmare. His previous job was on the road and he would be gone two or three nights a week. One night when he was supposed to be in Indiana I had this odd/off feeling. Looking back it makes no sense at all as to why I did. Because up to that point in our relationship I trusted him wholeheartedly and I thought I was living a fairytale life. But I drove by his work and saw his company truck in the lot and his personal vehicle was gone. In that moment my stomach hit the floor. I felt sick for days. And when I saw that I became an instant private investigator. Just not a good enough one. I drove to every hotel in three towns looking for his vehicle. I drove past his best friend's house his exes house. I couldn't find him anywhere. When I called he sounded asleep and I asked where he was. He said Indiana. He didn't pause or anything. He said his normal truck broke down and he was in the spare truck and his car was at the shop where they took his broke down truck. I finally gave up and went home but as the days went by some of it just didn't add up. I finally found out he was at a hotel 30 minutes from my house. And his ex was at the hotel at some point in time. He swears nothing happened. I told him I would never believe that but over the years that is the one part of his story that has never changed. And I have not been able to gain back the trust I had for him since then.

So he equates nice with wildly inappropriate behavior in a professional setting? And let’s face it you can never trust him. Now when he knows you are onto him, he’ll just hide better. And he is at risk for losing his job over unprofessional behavior. Not husband material

So you've been married 8 years, and he's been doing this I assume since the third year of marriage? You said you lost your trust in the 3rd year, yet mention more recent incidents. I can only assume he had an act of indiscretion in the third year, you caught him and now he keeps doing the same thing, 8 years later. This seems to be repetitive behavior, and you're right - you cannot trust him. Have you thought about separating?

I have thought about separating, but I don't want that. I want to be able to build back up to a better place. It sounds stupid but outside of this he is a wonderful husband. So it is hard to make it all make sense in my head. How can he be such a good husband if he is doing something wrong. I don't know how to explain what I mean

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thumbelina50 I have thought about separating, but I don't want that. I want to be able to build back up to a better place. It sounds stupid but outside of this he is a wonderful husband. So it is hard to make it all make sense in my head. How can he be such a good husband if he is doing something wrong. I don't know how to explain what I mean

I know it’s hard to love someone yet know their behavior is so wrong. You can’t shut love off. I get that. How is he a good husband? Is it because he takes out the trash and helps around the house? He’s a good listener? Ok so … he can cheat on you and sexually harass a coworker but he’s a good husband??

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It is not possible. Without trust, it is merely a one-sided relationship.

So, he lies and he behaves inappropriately with other females when he is in a committed relationship with you, he keeps on behaving inappropriately over and over again, he disrespects you, he is untrustworthy.. yet he is a good husband?

The definition of a husband is someone who loves and respects their spouse and their words and actions are trustworthy. Your husband fails at all of these.

How is he a wonderful husband to you if he cheats on you and is repeatedly disrespecting you? That makes no sense. I understand you love him and all, but you're making yourself into a doormat. I think if you work on building up your self esteem, you will see that your husband is disrespecting you and the marriage.

Ok. I get that he is disrespecting me. And I get being disrespectful does not make him a good husband. I guess I could say comparatively he is good because he isn't abusive like my last ex and he isn't anything like my first husband. But I KNOW he is in the wrong. I guess what I am looking for is IF we agree to work on our issues and try to save the marriage how do we do that? How do you make a marriage survive betrayal. I see people talking about it all the time and saying their marriage is stronger now that. It was before but I want to know how to get to that place.

I don't think this man will change his behavior because it's repetitive. One time only, there may be a chance - but with repeat incidents AND after having been caught and questioned, but still he continues the behavior... I don't think there's much chance for change here. BOTH people have got to want the marriage, and this man wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants both sides of the equation.

This dude is a habitual cheater. You can work on your marriage until cows come home but it won’t change the fact that you are married to an unfaithful man.

Is it cheating if he is not having sex with anyone?

He went to a hotel with another woman. Of course he's had sex. Given the way he's behaved, it's naive to think he's not having sexual relations.

I have to ask you: why do you want to hold onto this unfaithful man so badly? Are you afraid to be alone? Being alone, single and with your dignity in tact and self respect in tact is FAR better than being married, treated like dirt, cheated on and lied to. There is no self respect in that scenario.

Okay, it is important to make this distinction: not abusing you like these previous men does *not* make him a "wonderful husband" as you wrote. It simply means he is not an abuser. He is *still* a cheater and a partner who lies and whom you cannot trust.

Sure. He needs to want to change. Is that what he wants? It doesn't seem to be what he wants to do. He keeps behaving inappropriately with other females and lying to you, he is disrespecting you and your marriage.

You said it yourself in your very first sentence i.e. "My husband of 8 years lost my trust in our 3rd year of marriage". I think that shows his true colours as he has clearly not shown *any* interest in changing.

If someone won't change their behaviour you can either accept it i.e. keep staying married, knowing he will keep on cheating on you or make it clear that you deserve more than a liar and a cheater as your life partner and move on.

In my books it’s a cheating behavior. Do you really think blatant sexual flirting with a woman is ok? Asking for her pictures? Talking about her behind being great?

Plus how do you know if he is having sex or not? He is good at lying. Last time he was in hotel having sex for weeks lying he is out of town. How do you know he isn’t still doing the same thing? He like does. Just maybe not being gone for weeks. He isn’t stupid but he thinks you are hence he comes up with goofy explanations

I hope you test for STD and refrain from unprotected sex with him

He was never gone for weeks yes I am sure that one night he did cheat. But I am also sure he has not had sex with anyone else since that night five years ago. He voluntarily tells me where he is at all times since then. And because of the loss of trust I don't just always take his word for it if anything seems off I verify it. And I have no fear of being single, I am not the same woman I was when I had abusive relationships in the past. And I don't take my vows lightly. Which is why I am having so much trouble with all of this. In every other aspect of our marriage he is good. He is kind caring supportive and thoughtful. He shares all responsibilities equally makes decisions with concern for me first and foremost is always the first to apologize when we argue or disagree he spoils me rotten almost to a fault. And he does all this consistently. The only complaint I have is how he talks inappropriately to other women sometimes. It is not daily or even weekly but it seems to happen at least once a year. So in my head no when I decided to forgive him for that one night moving forward I cannot seem to make myself believe there is reason enough to leave him. But at the same time I am tired of living with the fear that next time inappropriate words will lead to actions and then I will have to leave him and that will hurt my self esteem as I have failed again.

Oh got you. It was two to three nights a week, not two to three weeks. Well he was caught once. Who can tell how often he did and does that and just wasn’t caught . No ways to answer that

Ok you don’t take your vows lightly but he sure does.

I am not saying you have to leave him but there is nothing in my vows about allowing cheating and disrespect.

I’ll stick by my husband’s side if he becomes ill or incapacitated or unable to work etc but there’s nothing in my vows about putting up with adultery and disrespect. I’d not give such vows. If it’s in your vows, then looks like you have to keep them

YOU will not have failed in this marriage - HE has failed YOU. Please remember this and don't believe that it's a failure of your own doing.

This man of yours has a wandering eye and lust for other women. Is that what you want to deal with for the rest of your life??? Always wondering if he's lying or cheating, or telling the truth or flirting outrageously with other women?

It's his CHARACTER darling, and character doesn't change. You cannot change this man's inner way of being.

He has shown you again and again that he is not willing to commit to you 100%. His eyes will always be on other women. He's not going to do a 180 degree turnaround just because you want to keep the marriage in tact.

And just because he doesn't abuse you, his lack of fidelity doesn't make him any better than a past abuser in your life. It's still disrespect.

Is that what you want? To always be wondering, questioning, playing detective, and guessing?? Because that will be your life with this man. And trust me, after more incidents of infidelity, which is guaranteed to occur, your self esteem will plummet further, along with your mental health. NOT GOOD.

How can you say you failed when he is the one flirting with other women? And yes, you are clearly taking your vows seriously - is he?

As for him making decisions with concern for you first, I find that hard to believe. If he were concerned about you he would not inspire mistrust.

Anyway, you keep justifying his 'good' behaviour so, unlike what you wrote in your very first post, it seems you *do* know what to do and which direction to take (i.e. stick with him, defend his behaviour). If for 5 years he was unable to inspire trust, it is unlikely that he would change but at the end of the day, it is your life and your decision.

I do know the damage it will do to me if he keeps doing the same thing and worse. But it will be my failure in that once again no matter how much I improve myself on the inside I cannot seem to pick a partner that is deserving of me. I know my value. I am extremely smart. I am passing pretty. I am very caring and extremely loyal. I do have faults but they are not the worst in the world. I've been through counseling I do counseling I am a survivor of previous abusive relationships. But apparently for some reason I cannot pick a man worth a damn

The best way to break a negative relationship pattern is to sit back and think about the warning signs of the behavior that was to come - were there any red flags that were dismissed along the way?

That is just it. I was completely blindsided by this. There were no red flags until we were into the 3rd year of our marriage

There had to have been something. I feeling? A gut reaction? Was he looking at other women frequently early on? Watching porn a lot? Liking or hearting other women's posts on Facebook who are good looking and attractive?