[eskielover]

Up front, I want to apologize for such a long post...I am sure that most will not even get through the 1st paragraph, but am going through so much right now....just didn't know how to shorten it up without leaving out information that helps with understanding.

Before I got married 32 years ago, there was something inside of me that said....."don't get married to him". It was just immature things that were telling me that, like the guys he was hanging around.....but more than that. He was always bragging about how smart he was & how good he was in high school...top % of his class. In the college classes I had with him, he put no effort into school & thought he was so much smarter than the professors & he only did well in the classes he liked. He would always have smart@$$ answers for questions & always knew the answer...right or wrong.

His sense of humor was sarcastic & would always put down people, thinking he was so cute & funny (just like Don Rickles). When his mother would cook dinner...if he didn't like what she cooked, he would walk out on them thinking he had the right to be rude. The credit card thing & spending.....he definitely has a problem. He only feels good when he is spending money (which is why he is so depressed now because he doesn't have any money). His parents gave him money to pay off his credit card for a wedding present. As soon as it was paid off, he started filling it back up. His logic. The item was on sale, so I saved so much money buying is even if I didn't have the money for it. Put it on the credit card & pay 5 times the amount for the item with the interest charges, but he saved so much money. Do you think he would listen to that logic....NO WAY....he knew better even when the numbers hit him in the face.

These negative things were high on my mind about not getting married, but my Mother said it was just cold feet & that he was such a nice person.....one of the best guys I had dated (& I dated many many guys while in college). He was only 23 & he would grow up.....he would mature once he had the responsibility of a marriage.....blah blah blah. So stupidly, I went ahead with it & we got married.

The sad thing was that I laid out all my expectations for the marriage before hand. Gave him a chance to discuss it & nothing....everything was ok with that......come to find out, he thought I didn't mean a word I said & that I would "come around" in time. I expected cooperation & partnership....none of which I got most of the time. The only time I got it was when I reacted to his lack of action like throwing a pitcher of ice water on him when he refused to get up to help me with the laundry. Had to go to my parents because he didn't like the washer & dryer in the apartment & my parents didn't have a dryer, so I had to hang the cloths out to dry...so needed to do it early in the day.

Well, 32 years later & I'm still dealing with the same crap. What happened, I had my career until 1994, & that was where I escaped to. He basically didn't exist in my life during that time. Sadly to say, I was bought off. What we could have with a 2 aerospace engineer income was much more than getting by on my own salery. The nice cars, the house, the vacation time share & the skiing vacations. And of course....under his control, the maxed out credit cards because no problem.....we could make the monthly payments, so it was just a cost of living like electric & gas.

It was when I lost my career in 1994 that I came to the realization that my life was a complete disaster. I couldn't stand being around him. He was still rude, a slob & didn't really care about anything.....the marriage wasn't a marriage & I didn't have my career to escape to. How could I let someone who was so nice, mess me up so badly? I couldn't find a way out of the marriage. I didn't have any money & no career, the house wasn't worth what we paid for it, so even if we got divorced & sold it, there was no money. I was trapped.....when that realization hit, that was when the suicide attempts started. Luckily for me, I wasn't successful because I realized I did have a life & that I didn't have to be the person I turned out to be in this marriage....a very unhappy, miserable person with values that weren't really my own forced on me.

I went back to trying to tolerate everything around me so I could just survive from day to day. The sad thing was that he is a nice guy....there when you need him if he doesn't have to do much. Then he lost his career....& oh, it was different for him. He wasn't anything except for his career. He had no other interests & couldn't do anything except for his career, & I had so many other interests....that made it all different in his mind....but he wasn't depressed...because he wasn't "as bad as I was".

Right before my Mother was dying of cancer, I knew the marriage had to end. The fights got so bad....his arguing was horrible & he was too good for everything as far as getting a job to bring in money......he insisted that he wasn't disabled (he was so burned out it wasn't funny). Sadly, I ended up in the middle of the ID theft & abuse of my mother by the home care person & that really messed me up physically, landing me in the hospital because the stress was so bad I couldn't eat & the trauma from that is still bothering me at times....so again, I felt trapped....until I sold my Mothers house & got the inheritance to buy my own house here in KY.

Finding myself again was awsome & realizing all the stupid little things that were bothering me......then again, I look at why it's the stupid little things that are bothering me & should I be bothered by such things? Why does his arguing over stupid little things cause me such rage. Why does his having such narrow definitions of things to cause other arguments cause me to be so angry at him? Why do even bother to listen to his stupid ideas when I know they are most always wrong, then get mad when I stupidly listen & act on his ideas, only to find out how wrong he was again & again? Why do I feel that my only way to protect myself from him is to make sure he isn't in my life?

Why am I so embarassed when I am in the mall & ask him where the store is after he was looking at the directory & he spinns around, stickes his hand in the air & points out the direction of the store? Why does he look like such a little kid whos Mommy asked him where something is & instead of communicating like a normal person....one gets a pointing hand & the click of the heals?

I just want to be married to a responsible adult that can carry on a normal conversation & be a normal part of my life. Is that asking too much? Is it asking too much for me to expect him to grow up now & be the part of my life I had always hoped for?

Or am I just being way to critical of this person & expecting something that I shouldn't bother caring about in the first place. Like I said, it's not like he drinks, or does anything that is bad....he is a very good person, but all this other crap seems to hide the good from me....so again, where do I leave the criticism behind & just tolerate the good person I am married to?......or am I right in expecting so much more from a marriage that I'm better off alone & happy rather than married & miserable???? or should I work on myself in not allowing these things to make me miserable & then he doesn't have to do anything to change? Why is it always me that has to give in? Why is it always me that looses out?

Even in the situations with the police & things being stolen from me......they never find anyone guilty that does wrong to me. I am always the one that has to tolerate what happens to me & just deal with everything. I am so tired of being on that end of the situations.....I really would love just once that someone would have to answer for what they do to me instead of it always being me that has to cope with the situation.

I would appreciate anyones insight, opinions, & experiences.....I am trying to open my mind to other ways of thinking right now since part of me is saying I am being way to critical while the other part is saying I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

Internal conflicts are the worst & I'm feeling pretty lousy about it all right now which is making is hard to function at this moment in time & I just don't have time to allow myself to feel this way.

Debbie

Funny thing is I was in a simlar situation, and he worked for British Areospace....(maybe its the co ? lol)

I found that after fifteen years of being his mother I couldnt cope anymore and left with my children to rented accomodation and it was the best thing I have ever done in my life.

I was devastated in one way as I felt I had failed by not having a happy marriage ! It took one particular councilor who said these words to me .........

No matter what you do you can not change him and he is what he is, this you have to accept and then let go of him and all the anger and hatred. you can not change him.

Good luck with moving on.

I think it sounds to me like you wish there could be more intimacy in your relationship, but that your partner doesn't seem capable of that, even though he is basically a nice guy.

I tend to think... That if one person isn't really happy in a relationship (with the way things are at) that it is more likely that both of them aren't really happy than not.

It sounds like he is fairly narcissistic (I mean that in a technical sense) of being fairly self-absorbed and not very empathetic to your needs.

I guess when I hear this kind of thing... I always want to try and encourage people into therapy. I suppose that I think that he isn't as happy and robust as he may appear to be (losing his job really got to him etc) and supportive therapy could help build himself up so that he doesn't need to attempt to obtain validation by way of showing himself to be 'better than' others. It might be that as he starts to find himself... He will start to want (and be capable of) a relationship.

But it might be that he wouldn't be prepared to work on himself and work on your relationship.

How about couples councelling?

[bebop]

(((Debbie))) I feel your pain thru out your post. I think right now with all that is going on with the huge move and the theft you are feeling way overwhelmed. are you still in KY? maybe take a few days to relax and not think about everything. try to take care of yourself first.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
I've only read a few of your posts eskielover but I recall you talking about the farm you'd bought for yourself in Kentucky and your hopes of creating a new life for yourself there. I suppose the critical question is, will your husband be part of that life?

I don't know if it will bring you any comfort but I suspect it's quite "normal" to feel conflicted about leaving a marriage, particularly one that spans 32 years of your life. What seems to be causing you the most conflict is trying to justify your desire to go. If he was a womanizer, or an alcoholic, or if he physically abused you, you might find it easier to heed the voice that says, "ENOUGH!" But he's not, so you feel pulled by the voice that says, "Maybe the problem is you..." One of these "voices" seems willing to acknowledge that you're not happy, the other seems to be suggesting you have no right to not be happy.

You also seem to be describing two stages in your marriage; one when you were both working and could afford to delude yourselves about how much debt you were actually carrying, and another stage when you both lost your jobs and reality hit home, hard. Many a marriage has crumbled in a crisis situation and it doesn't take much to imagine that the last few years have been difficult ones for each of you personally and for the marriage itself. If the marriage was ever a good one, I think it's often worth doing your best to hang on through the crisis until you can reach more stable ground. But if it's never been a good marriage, people just don't have the heart to stay. It's been said that many marriages go out with a whimper, not a bang. It's not necessary that your husband be a bad person for you to not be happy with him or to want to find some happiness for yourself by following a different path.

The behaviors you describe in your husband strike me as being disrespectful. That's how I'd feel if I was in a relationship with someone who was rude, consistently presented themselves as superior, didn't acknowledge or listen to my own opinions, etc. alexandra suggested couple's counselling and I think that's a terrific idea if you ever had a good marriage and you're hopeful you can recapture it. If you're ready to actually leave however, you might benefit more from individual counselling. A good counselor could help you sort through those internal conflicts and also help you identify any behaviors of your own that may have contributed or that aren't healthy for you to continue.

Given the nature of your circumstances I would also suggest that you secure a financial counselor and legal counsel, perhaps before you seek out any other kind of counsel. It sounds as if a great deal of the potential for your future happiness lies with your property in Kentucky. For that reason, you need to take steps to safeguard it. For example, if you and your husband divorce and the bank forecloses on your mortgage, can they seize that property? You seem to be in a state of transition and sometimes, the only way to make it through is to keep your eyes on the prize. I'd hate to see you lose that.

It may be that you won't be able to make a decision about your marriage until you're in more stable space. For that reason, it might be helpful to take it slow. For example, perhaps you could suggest a separation period as opposed to a divorce. Maybe you need a bit of time to distance yourself from the situation so you can make your best decision.

You also noted that during the course of your marriage you lost your own sense of values. It's time to rediscover and start living by them. You may find that the voice that shouts "ENOUGH!" comes from that old set of values and the voices that says, "Maybe it's you..." is the one you need to set aside.

[Perna]

No, you are not too critical. And yes, after 32 years without much change in character, much interest in growing up (much less the very hard work it takes; I say that from experience) I don't think he's going to do a whole lot of maturing? Why would he? He's not hearing anything different from you that he hasn't heard since college and he wasn't listening then, why would he now? He thinks things will keep going along the same, same job, same accomodating wife, same credit card minimums.

My husband is 7 years older than I am, will be 65 this August, and we're thinking about the future (like good little ants versus grasshoppers :-) and one of the tasks for me, is understanding our finances, a frightening thing for me because they're so large and complicated. We're sitting together, doing the bills together, transferring money from hither to yon (we're retired) and back again. I wanted a second car (we were trying to make it on one) and had to give up my grad school classes and book buying to get it so we wouldn't get any additional monthly debt. I don't see any of that in your husband, any thinking of you, the future, or even himself! He's not selfish, he's got much worse problems in my view, he's immature and stupid!

I identify some with your husband's youth. My brothers and I were all "charming" and sarcastic, etc. But, for myself, I keep trying to remind myself of the verse in Proverbs 31:30: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." I try to rein in the "charm" when I see I'm leaning on it instead of solid hard work. I don't think your husband is aware of himself, just blindly uses his old gifts for self-interest and like "beauty" I think they have to desert him at some point and the end result is going to be really pitiful?

[eskielover]

Thank you so much for your responses.

Tishie,
Your counselor is absolutely right.....there is no way that they can change unless they want to completely inside of themselves.....my psychologist has been working on this with me & he has also been working with my husband, trying to sort things through for me & he keeps saying that I am better off & happier without him. It's hard because we have been talking over the phone & long distance psychology over the phone is rather tough. My husband has been in Ca while I have mostly been here at my farm in KY. I have been so happy & peaceful here in KY.

Alexandra k,
Actually, I am not very good at the intimate part of a relation....but I would really love to have a good partnership....a team work that works together for the good of both people. I always found that without that, there is no way that I can ever feel like being intimate with someone. I have had a psychologist since 1994, working on my issues, then we got into a physical fighting situation a couple of times because of my frustration with the relationship & we worked together with my psychologist for several years, but it made no difference with him. He had no idea of how to get in touch with himself & why he didn't want to put any effort into making the marriage work.

The final conclusion was that he doesn't want to put an effort into anything in his life. If it doesn't come easy (without any effort) he just doesn't bother with it. That was his approach to classes in school, to his job, & to his marriage. He is a very lazy person & doesn't want to lift a finger to do anything. He won't fix anything it the house. Nothing got fixed unless he could pay someone to fix it. He wouldn't clean up after himself so the house wasn't cleaned unless I did it or we hired a house keeper to do it....& pick up after himself.....his mommy always took care of that, so he didn't need to. My Mommy did that for me too & I didn't turn out like that......that's where the lazy comes into the picture.

My psychologist has been working with him while I have been here in KY & he doesn't have any insurance....he manulipates that into looking at how the ADD (my pdoc finally Dx'ed him with after all these years) is causing his problems rather than looking at what he needs to do to make his life work & what he has to do to fix it. Of course, he doesn't want to know that he has to do anything because he is lazy & doesn't want to put out the effort to make any changes. He always hopes that I will go back to tolerating him & says over & over that he can't change when the truth is that he WON'T change. Therapy only works if the person is open to working on themselves.

Thank you for the suggestion however, you are right about the therapy.....I just wish is would have worked.

Bebop,
Yes, I am in KY. I wasn't going to make it for Christmas, but I stupidly allowed him to say that he was sorry (not on his own accord but during a heated discussion....think that's called a fight). He didn't want to mess up Christmas for our daughter who was to fly here & so he said he would back down & make the changes to be peaceful, so we would bring all the 12 dogs & arrive here by the time our daughters flight came in. He waited until the very last minute to say anything but according to him, there would be no problem making it on time. Only problem, he couldn't pack all the dogs & things into my truck & it was my fault because I had to bring back to KY the winter cloths & had taken to CA with me just after Thanksgiving. My fault that I couldn't pack light enough. Then he finally realized that my plan to haul the horse trailer with the dogs was the right thing to do (my original plan that wasn't his idea). The truck wasn't set up for hauling the trailer but according to him....all I had to do was get the hitch with the ball on it because my truck already has the towing package on it. I wasn't about to haul the trailer across the country with my doggies in it without knowing that was all that was necessary, so I insisted on talking to a trailer hitch company in Ca. Found out I needed an electric breaking system installed....more time & money before we could leave......but according to him....I really didn't need it & it would be ok without it. I refused to listen to him & had it installed the way it should be. I always listen to him & then something bad happens, so I refused to listen & took care of my truck the way I knew I needed to. By the time we left it was Friday night & we needed to be in Louisville Sunday night.....no way was that going to happen even driving straight with no stops so we set up a motel room for our daughter to stay in until we could get there the next morning.

I tried to keep quiet & peace while our daughter was here for the 2 days, but after she left, it seemed that everything he said or did made me so angry. I realized that I felt that my peaceful castle here was being threatened like my home in Lancaster & I was fighting to save it from him. This time was where I started wondering if I was really being too critical. It seemed that there wasn't a day that went by without a huge fight & I was putting in so much energy to making sure he knew what I was angry about, that I was getting nothing accomplished with the house like I had come here to do. The only time there was peace was when I just kept quiet about what was bothering me...it wasn't that is wasn't there, it was just that I didn't say anything. He kept saying that he was trying & that he wasn't doing the things I was saying he was doing & that he really was changing. Why couldn't I see it.....I was looking for it really or was I just feeling so threatened by loosing control here...which was what was happening. I felt it all sliding back to the way things were in Ca & couldn't handle it.....but was it my imagination or like he said, I really didn't want him here anyway? I know myself very well, & I know that what was happening was real & that his behavior wasn't acceptable in my house.

I kicked him out last week, but now I am stuck having to take care of all the dogs. I was planning on caring for them AFTER I got the house finished & ready to move into....I don't have the time or energy to do both.....so I kind of shot myself in the foot. I am so stressed that I feel frozen & am having a problem doing anything. The other day, my anxiety got so bad, all I did was sleep for 2 days just to escape my mind & just do enough to feed & water the dogs.....so cleaning up their cages is now a nightmare. It has been so cold, I couldn't let them outside....being Ca dogs, they can't handle the 10 degree temp or even the 20's, so that is adding to the mess. When my anxiety level gets this high, I become non-functional which is what I was fighting in CA. I keep hoping that I will get through it, but called my husband yesterday & told him he had to haul at least 1/2 the dogs back to CA because it wasn't fair that he manulipated his way back here & knew it wasn't going to work. He admitted that he thought I would tolerate him more than I did & that is wouldn't be all up to him to make the changes. The problem is that if I give an inch, he takes a mile & won't do anything, so I finally wouldn't budge at all & this is what happened.

Trying hard to figure out how to take care of myself when I am in over my head right now. He pushes me & then wonders why I yell. I can only get pushed so far before I loose it & 32 years of being pushed leaves me at the snapping point most of the time. He pushed me, I yell & he gets pissy, asking me why I am getting so upset when he knows exactly why. He just can't be that stupid to not hear what I am saying or understand after all these years.

Spiritual Emergency,
You are right on with everything you have said & the emotions I'm going through. You have put so many of the feeling into the right words & I very much appreciate that. It's much harder to say that someone isn't a good person for you or the marriage when they AREN'T A BAD person & don't do bad things. When it's just personality conflict, it's much harder to say that if you weren't just a bit more tolerant then it would be all ok. If I could be tolerant & happy, then it might be ok, but I've tried being tolerant & wasn't happy.

One other problem is that after 32 years, it's hard not to have someone around to give a helping hand if nothing else, & it's a bit lonely at times being by ones self, but then the peacefulness that comes from it is such a contrast to the tension of the relationship. I know I have to accept that he refuses to make the changes needed to make the marriage work on my terms (the terms I set down when I first got married 32 years ago & let go of). I have to realize & convince myself that my terms weren't wrong or that I really didn't expect too much from the marriage like he keeps telling me I did. I have to realize that he keeps telling me that because he didn't want to put anything into making the marriage work except for being a good person & doing nice things when asked.

Luckily, for me, the farm is completely paid for & I put it in my name with my daughter as benificiary if I die. As soon as I get more settled here, I will make sure that it is protected against any financial actions to make it a limited liability corp or whatever works legally. My husband has no title to this property at all & that makes him a bit angry also. I did that intentionally to let him know that if changes didn't happen in the marriage that he wasn't welcome here at all, EVER.

Taking care of myself the best way that I can does give me a sense of accomplishment, but as long as I don't let the sense of frustration get to me when I am in need of help & there is no help available. When I let him come here for Christmas & planned on him staying to take care of the dogs while I finished fixing the house was a huge mistake on one hand, but on the other, I saw the him that I would have to continue to put up with the rest of my life & it was threatening my peacefulness here. I had no idea that I would react so strongly against him as I did & that was where I started wondering just how overly critical I might have been. The reality was just how disrespectful he actually was when he came here, refusing to act as a guest in my house & saying that it was ok to treat me that way because he was my husband.....say what????

He really knows how to trigger anger & then wonders why I react the way I do.

Thank you all kindly for your responses....it helps me put more thoughts & words to what I am going through.

Debbie

[CedarS]

I just want to say, you are not being too critical at all.

[sunrise]

eskielover, no, I don't believe you are being too critical. You have lasted in this marriage for 32 years and you have reached your limit. You say you are more at peace now that you are without him in Kentucky. That is very telling to me. I separated from my H of 20 years a few months back and gosh darn it, it is so great to not have him around! I am not having second thoughts at all, because I just feel so much better on my own.

It sounds like you have tried working on issues with a psychologist/counselor. I would think a big issue for you two to work on in therapy is whether to stay together or not? Did you work on that and come to a conclusion? It sounds like you've had a lot of therapy, but still not reached a conclusion? That is what my H and I worked on in therapy and we ended up deciding to get a divorce. Then we continued therapy and worked on uncoupling. Couples/relationship counselors help people divorce too, not just stay together. It just sounds to me like there is not a conclusion for you two. Are you going to try to stay together and make things work or are you going to split up? Once you decide that, then you can work on making the solution you've chosen work.

I am so glad you have taken the right steps to make sure the Kentucky farm is yours.

I agree, seeing a financial counselor would be helpful and give you some solid plans in different "what if" scenarios. If possible, choose a financial advisor who is also a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst). Go here for more info:
https://www.institutedfa.com/

I wish you much strength and the best of luck in this continuing painful part of your life.

P.S. Gawd, I hate Don Rickles.

[eskielover]

Perna,
Thank you for taking the time with your insight & own experiences. You are so right, he is hearing the same thing & just doesn't hear it. He knows what I am talking about because I have gone into detail so that there wouldn't be any misunderstandings.....then he comes up with this "I don't care any more".....like he ever cared....if he had cared about anything except for himself, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Your husband sounds so practical....such a perfect person to share your future with & work as a team....that's what it's all about.....that was what I expected in the marriage, but knew that unless he grew up in the first place that would be hopeless. I was always had the mind for the accounting & budgeting....sadly, I gave that up at the beginning to save on the fighting. He got us into such a financial mess, I took it over right before we got into our second house. It was amazing....within one year, I had us all back & functioning again. Unfortunately, when I lost my career, the anxiety & depression took over so bad that he ended up taking the finances over again & we should have ended up bankrupt, but most of the debt we just walked away from...only a couple put small leins on the house. He just can't handle finances....he can't do business on the phone. He doesn't know how to talk to people. They have no idea what in the world he is talking about when I finally get on the phone to straighten things out. It is a very pathetic relationship.

Oh yes, what ever it was that he thought he had, he doesn't have anymore. He is a very unhappy person...always negative. Everything has deserted him....even his parents which is very sad. I don't exactly know the whole story....just something my best friends heard at my Mothers funeral 3 years ago.....something about leaving him alone until he figures himself out or something like that. He is going to end up all alone & will be much better off. that way....that way he can be miserable & not hurt anyone around him. It is rather sad, but there is really nothing I can do about it & feeling sorry for him only feeds his pitty party. From the beginning, I could talk to him & he wouldn't even hear me (there was nothing wrong with his hearing either). He has always been in his own little world.

I am glad that you got out of that charming life style......depending on ones own abilities is so much more rewarding. I never had charm, or looks.....all I ever had was smarts & the ability to think through things most of the time....except when I let my self get really messed up with the depression & anxiety & then the trauma I went through when the ID theft & abuse of my Mother when she was dying. I fight to keep my head thinking straight most of the time now, but it pays off in the end.

CedarS,
Thank you for your supportive words....they are very appreciated. It's nice to realize that others don't think that I'm being too critical.....it helps validate my real feelings that I'm not really too critical.

Sunrise,
Wow, my words exactly...."it so great not to have him around.....I just feel so much better on my own"

My psychologist just kind of goes along with how I am feeling at the time.....sadly, we have only had phone conversations for so long......when I was back in Ca, he was in Isreal visiting family, so it's very hard to communicate about all this over the phone. I am going to a new therapist tomorrow here in KY, so it will be interesting to see where he is coming from & if he is a better help than my Ca psychologist. You are right....I haven't come to a definite conclusion. But I know what my conclusion has to be & that is to leave....it just seems that nothing else will work. The concept of uncoupling sounds like exactly what I am in need of. That seems to be what I am struggling with the most is giving up. I love being here in KY without him....I have never been happier, so that should tell me something that I should be listening to.

Thank you very much for pointing me to seeing a CDFA & also for providing the link. I definitely be looking into it. We are selling the house in Ca & splitting up that money.....at least he will have a little to live on....that was what he was holding over my head...telling me how much better off I woud be financially with his & my disability put together. I informed him that I would rather be poor & happy than be tied to him.....again, he was trying to buy me off just like all the times before. It seemed that every time I was ready to leave, he would get the idea to buy something new....a car, go on a nice vacation.....something to get my mind off of leaving. Luckily this time, I am already out of the house & in my own home, so the split is much easier....just getting rid to what we own together is the problem.

Just a note.....I stopped all phone conversation with him....emailed him telling him I wouldn't answer his calls or his voice mails because I was tired of playing his game. He would trap me into doing something that made me angry like not answering my questions & then he would get mad because I would yell....as if after 32 years, he didn't know that was going to be my response.....ya think???? So if I refuse to talk to him & only communicate through emails, he can't play his game anymore.

He is coming back to take some of the dogs back to CA with him so that I can finally have enough time to work on the house like was supposed to happen when he was taking care of the dogs here, but that didn't work out the way it was supposed to.....with all the fighting. I refused to allow the fighting here & kicked him out.

Thank you all for your responses & support.....it really helps to hear other opinions, thoughts, & experiences of you all,
Debbie

[AAAAA]

(((((Debbie)))))

You keep saying what a good person he is, but he doesn't sound like a good person. I know I'm critical, but damn, you're the one giving everything up, he's happy as a clam. Things go his way and you're left to deal with the messes.

It's so wonderful that you've found a new lease on life, and if hubby isn't willing to grow up and be a part of it, cut him loose! Let someone else deal with his childishness.

You've got to do what will make you happy and content, right now he appears to be a stone around your neck and you're swimming upstream against the current.

Please do whatever it is that makes you happy and healthy. You seem to feel guilty for being frustrated with a jerk!

[Doh2007]

You have always seemed to have great insight. It sounds like you've been emotionally divorced for a long time. Protect your assets.

I can really relate to your story. Thank you for sharing it with us.