When family constantly brings up your past way more than you do

Anyone else have family members that love bringing up your past and seem very obsessed with things that have happened many many years ago? My family seems to love doing this and I know other families can be like this too. My dad always talks about stuff that occurred in my past and seems very obsessed too. This is one of the several reasons I don't like telling family about my personal life because they can't seem to let things go.

Stuff that happened in high school between 2006-2010 will be brought up and talked about as if it happened yesterday. My dad will bring up people who didn't like me in high school and want to talk about them which makes no sense since that's the past and I find it super weird that stuff like that keep getting brought up. He also likes bringing up stuff that happened before and after birth excessively and there are times when I can sense stories are being exaggerated since things don't add up at times.

I have seen him exaggerate things at times as well.. He'll also make claims that I have difficulties accepting the fact that I have hearing impairment even though I deal with it just fine everyday and don't feel the need to always bring it up constantly. Anytime he brings up someone from my past, I act like I have no memory of the person to minimize any chance of him constantly going on about them.

Sometimes it works and sometimes he'll still go on about them. Anyone else deal with this with their families? It's super annoying and like I mentioned, it's one of the several reasons I keep them out of my personal life as much as possible. I know I bring up the past a lot as learning lessons but I think there's a difference between remembering your past and learning from it and dwelling on them and talking about past events as if it happened yesterday. I bring up past events especially on here but not to the level family does, it's quite weird and annoying.

I'm not going to say exactly what I think of your father. Since you've explained the situation in a calm and tasteful way, I'll respect the tone you've set. You strike me as quite mature. You do well not to share a lot with your family, since it just becomes ammunition they throw back at you.

What your father is doing is needling you. Then, I guess, the family follows his lead. He feels empowered. The family has decided this is entertaining. It's pathetic. Each of them needs to get a life. You're role is to stay centered and don't take the bait. Sounds to me like you handle this nonsense pretty well.

Someday you'll be out of there and have your own space. Do all you can to aim for that - complete independence. Don't let this stuff corrode your soul. Someday, you'll see your father as a rather small person who'll hope for you to extend some warmth to him.

Yeah I agree, I see it as an unwillingness to let go of the past since in most cases when someone goes on and on about something then that's what it is. I'll be honest, I've been in that situation before with certain things. Something may bother me so much that I keep going on and on about it, I don't do it to the level I used to back in high school or even college but I recognize what it is. I think we all do that to a certain point, it becomes a problem when someone keeps going on and on about something that happened decades ago as if it just happened yesterday which is very unhealthy and one day when I'm 100 percent independent and moved out then perhaps I can let him know that he needs to let go of the past and I will say I've told him I let go of the past since it's in the past.

When it is directed at you, I would say....I prefer living in the present. He of course, will keep on talking about it, Don't respond again.

That made me think a lot, because usually I am the one who brings up the past with my parents.

My mom used to give me haircuts when I was a kid and keep my hair short. So, although I am female, at one event when I was five, I was mistaken for a boy. I got very upset and have never let that go (it has been over 30 years). Looking back on it, it does seem petty.

My brother's memory is even better than mine, so he will bring up conversations we had over 10 years ago (that I don't remember) and accuse me of "lying" because I have a different opinion now. Apparently people aren't allowed to change their minds. For him, it's his OCD and rumination. He dwells on the past far too much which makes him miserable. I'm working on living more in the present, since the past can't be changed anyway.

That's a good idea, probably more direct than saying it's in the past and I've moved on. I'll start telling him I prefer living in the present, yeah I usually don't give him any more information when he keeps on talking about stuff that happened decades ago.

Honestly I think we all live in the past to a certain extent, it's how we deal with it that matters. We can either decide to let the past dictate our lives or we can take it as a learning lesson and move on, I've ruminated as well as we all have but I don't obsess over it. I used to obsess about my past back in high school and even college years but that didn't do any good, it just makes you more miserable thinking about what could've been. You're right that the past can't be changed, the best we can do is take the past as a learning lesson and strive to find ways to ensure the same mistakes aren't made again or at least minimize the chances of the past repeating itself if all possible.

This is the attitude 👍😀
Sincere, direct and a storm warning.

Yes I can relate to the part where my dad also brings up things about people from the past that I donot want anything to do in my present life.If I am physically present my parents love to talk about those faux sons or daughters and like to put them on a pedestal while I am listening. As if they want me to listen and sulk.Real cheap tricks.Some of their so called faux sons tried to do real harm to me.Those are the ones my parents love to talk about. I am the one ruminating a lot about past events.I know....I know,past cannot be changed,but it cannot be erased completely either.I am working on processing my past and the grief it heaped upon me.

Yep I agree.

Yep I agree, I honestly think parents have no business in other people’s past. Honestly no one has any business, everyone’s past is their own personal experience. When people consistently bring up you past, it feels like they’re trying to make you feel bad. I’m sorry you had to deal with that, seems like it’s their way of making themselves feel better by bringing up past people and events.

Yep,definitely an attempt to make me feel bad.After I moved out ,my parents befriended a woman around my age and has the same name as I. When I visited them my mom and dad started a conversation their back facing me( they did this a lot) as if I was not present there.My dad would say to my mom ...honey do you know our daughter called today and asked how are you daddy? My mom would reply in a singsong way....oooh that's lovely darling,ask her to come over for dinner this weekend. And tell our daughter I have a surprise for her.My dad would say ....ya,honey we love her,mendingmysoul our lovely daughter.They would repeat the name and our daughter so many times that I reacted and asked.Dad...who? My dad stared intensely at me and said My daughter mending......?with a glee ,then told her last name.They are very cruel emotionally.They do it repeatedly with other faux sons and daughters.Just talking incessantly about them in my presence as if they are the real sons and daughters.

That is really weird, almost like they're playing mind games with you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, glad you moved out.

I gave the excuse of pandemic,and didnot visit them for a while.The more time and distance from them ,the better it is.They used to ask me to come over and I thought they were missing me and wanted to spend time with me. This was before my awareness about dysfunctional behaviours. Now I know they donot miss me as a daughter,but they miss the dopamine hit they get when I am in distress.Sad to say but true.That is the reason they play those distressing emotional games.When I visited last time I actually noticed them sneakily looking at my face when they were playing this.I was indifferent and my dad was actually upset.After seeing that I was keeping cool in the midst of their drama,my dad actually held my hand tight and looked intensely into my eyes and repeated the whole fiasco of how much he loves the faux daughter ,the other mending my soul,and how she loves my dad and how they bond strongly as daughter and dad,LOL.I just looked into his eyes and showed no emotion at all. LOL.

Using the pandemic as an excuse was a smart idea, I think a lot of people did that. I'll admit I used the pandemic as an excuse as well, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Sorry your dad is doing this, I do think drawing boundaries in a way you see as appropriate is a good idea, you know him best and will know which way to say you don’t want to engage in this.

My parents do this about another family member, it is ridiculous to me that they still refer to something which happened 40 years ago in such detail. I try to cut them off a redirect when they do this. In my parents case a big part of it is not having enough to occupy their minds in the present moment. I do have the urge to sing ‘Let it go’ at moments like that though.

Yeah I think parents have the tendency to bring up the past in general a lot and it doesn't even have to be bad stuff either. I've never thought of not having enough to occupy themselves in the present but it does make sense. I'll admit I'm most likely to think about past events when I'm not occupied in the present as well but don't obsess over it like parents do. I agree when parents and even anyone else keeps bringing up past events in such a way as if it just happened yesterday then I start mentally thinking "let it go" and a couple times I did say that it's in the past and I've let it go.

Does your dad respond positively if you’ve told him it’s in the past and you’ve let it go?

He doesn't get mad but he'll still keep going on about it. I'll say, "I let it go, it's in the past" and he'll just dismiss it by saying, "I know but still...." and just keeps going on about whatever it is. When I'm officially on my own completely then I can avoid that more often. There may come a time where I just have to flat out tell him to stop talking about it and walk away, may be the only option even though it sounds rude and disrespectful.

It doesn’t sound rude or disrespectful to me considering he ignored your request not to talk about it.

Have you tried saying something about how it makes you feel when he does this?

I friendly have to disagree with a point. My parents barely brought up the past.
I guess it depends on each individual. Surely, your dad doesn’t even have bad intentions or he’s not aware.

Could you put an example about a point your dad brought up from past that bothers you so much?

May have to try this even though he probably won't like it.

I think how you say it might make a difference, if you say it calmly and focus on “When we talk about ….I feel” rather than “You make me feel” if that makes sense.

Do you think he has any idea of how you feel already?

Oh I know it's not necessarily bad intentions, I believe it's more of him just being stuck in the past. To a certain extent we can all be this way, even I can be but there has to be a certain point where you move on and focus on the present. An example will be if he sees someone that looks similar to anyone who was a trouble maker back in elementary/middle or high school, he'll bring that person up and go on and on about that person and does this a lot. He'll also bring up events that occurred at birth and even before birth and go on long lectures even though I've heard the same story hundreds of times, basically it comes off as a need to refer to past events way more so than necessary rather than truly bad intentions.

Yes absolutely, I'm sure he knows since I've hinted at the fact that I've moved on by stating it's in the past but he'll continue. I get the sense it's more of an inability to move on from the past and let things go, I can understand since we are all like this to a certain extent but there comes a time where you need to let trivial matters disappear in the past since constantly bringing stuff up even after so many years has passed comes off as an unwillingness to let things go.