Marriage Problems

I've been saying that if one more insult occurs, I will leave. He has insulted me and has said hurtful things when we've fought. The fighting has been on the increase because he is stressed about his mother's failing health, and I am sick of it.

He also asks me every time we fight if I want to stay in this marriage, and talk of breaking up is always brought up by HIM. Every single time. He often projects his feelings onto me, so I am now wondering if he's the one who wants to leave?

Since April, I think we've had 4-5 different fights. Two in April and three in the last month. All because of HIS stress. He initiates and escalates every fight. I am not a fighter.

We're in therapy together and individually. I don't think he's truly working on himself in his own therapy though. And I cannot force him either.

Those who know the story know that this has been a long standing issue in my marriage - the fights and the emotional and verbal abuse that occurs during these fights.

I can admit that at the age of 52 I am a little scared to be single again. I am scared of being alone in life, and I don't have many friends locally. This may be holding me back from ending my marriage, but I also know that I will not stand to be insulted again or any further. Enough is enough. I also know the advantages of being single... all too well since I was single most of my life.

The other issue that may be holding me back - I lost my dad this year. Facing a divorce in the same year is just really too much for me.

Any supportive replies are welcome. Please be gentle. Thank you for listening.

I am sorry you are going thru all of that. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. One sentence helped me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans..saved my life. The reason I stayed so long, was the fear of being alone. I have been alone for 20 years You might want to see an attorney to find out your rights, etc.......

Marie, thats a really great quote.

So sorry for your troubles. Most of the people I've known who got divorced or separated went through a painful time for a while, but ultimately were MUCH happier. I feel there are ways to make new friends at any age. You sound like a reasonable person who surely can make new connections in the future.

Regarding the fights and verbal abuse, a friend taught me a trick that has occasionally helped me. Basically, if a toxic type of interaction happens over and over again with the same person, then you just come up with a sentence that you say in response to it. For instance, my mother has boundary issues with me and gets on my case about my colleagues "taking advantage" of me. So I just have my sentence: "Mom, I don't discuss the details of company business with you." Perhaps you could come up with a phrase to help you engage less during those verbal fights: "Sweetie, I won't engage with you when you choose to get nasty." Or something...? The trick is you repeat it. So if my mom then keeps pushing to know something about my company's finances, I'll just say it again--"Mom, I do not talk company business with you." It's like a wall you put up.

Good luck.

This must be difficult. You've set a personal limit and now it's been reached. I know you already know how cycles of abuse function and how people who suffer abuse from others keep adjusting their personal limits. I would only add that your future is yours to determine. No survivor I know regrets choosing themselves.

With regards to your husband projecting his feelings and being the escalator in disagreements, I have some advice. Keep your cool and shield yourself by saying I have asked you to not insult me with nasty names. Will you honor my request? The wording is important... you want the question to be yes or no. He can choose to answer or he can choose to continue pushing you past your limit. The goal in asking is to calm things down. You are essentially asking him to refocus without telling him directly. It's you giving him the choice.

When he keeps asking about divorce, skip wondering if he's projecting and go with it. Ask him very specifically if he's asking because he's afraid you really do or because he wants a divorce and just doesn't want to say it out loud. Then be honest when he answers. He may be feeling your worry and fears or he may be projecting his own. You and he (as individuals and as a couple) should discuss this elephant in the room because it's either the real issue or preventing you from dealing with the real issue.

I know my response may not be the gentle support you requested. It isn't my intention to upset you. My intention is to give you a communication option to deal with things. Sometimes life's trials and tribulations happen all at once to remind us we are stronger than we are willing to be so we come out the other side happier and wiser.

Wishing you the best for happiness and health.

@Marie123, thank you. That sentence is a very powerful one!

@DoroMona, thank you! I like your suggestion. I hope in the heat of the moment I can remember to implement it.

And thanks for your encouragement. It's been a very difficult year already so it's hard to imagine going through a divorce on top of it all. It's been too much.

@RollercoasterLover, your suggestions are spot on and are very supportive and gentle, so thank you. I appreciate it!

I will try these the next time there's any kind of argument. I do think we need to deal with the elephant in the room - I mean, what's truly going on here? Either. he really wants to leave and just cannot seem to pull the plug, or he's afraid I want to leave and keeps asking me about it for real. We need to deal with that.

Thank you again for your kind words - they're not taken poorly at all!

I've had it - I think it's only a matter of when. I told him this morning that this relationship is not working. He tried to argue with me all over again this morning over two very minor things I said that sent him over the roof. MINOR. He's all pissed off now and argued with me.

I am sick of it. I swear, I think he's doing this on purpose. It's right around the time of my father's service, which is less than two weeks away. And this is what he is doing? I want to smack him upside the head.

And now he's trying to make up to me and tries to chalk it up to the individual stress we are under. I have enough stress if my life - I don't need stress from my relationship too.

It seems like it comes down to the basics. Communication is the #1 issue. It usually always boils
down to particular reasons that an argument takes place. What are you REALLY arguing about ?
People usually beat around the bush because they don't want to be TRUTHFUL about the issues
causing the dispute. The problem is mostly the emotional reaction , response , or reply we give
rather than a rational thought out response. Do we even have to respond at all ? Walk away.
Only mature adult human beings can communicate their feelings and truthfulness in an unemotional
way. Go somewhere private and think this whole drama show out in a rational , realistic way.
Wishing you the best....

Yes, agreed. He's the one who both starts and escalates arguments. I try to remain calm and have an adult conversation and discussion - but he starts in with the false accusations & projections, his tone is an angry tone and he becomes irrational and unreasonable. When I point out he is arguing with me, or has an angry tone, immediately he says "no I'm not" or "no I don't. He constantly denies me of my reality and experience of him, which I believe is gaslighting.

He's impossible, and that's why this relationship will never work long term. I am the reasonable, calm and rational one. He is not.

And he does this every single time. He's a man-child who cannot communicate without fighting. He takes all his stress out on me and uses me as a punching bag for his own stress. Whenever we've fought, it's because HE is stressed, or HE is not feeling well. And I am seriously tired of it all.

Communication is important but not enough. Respect is key.

You don't abuse your partner just because you are stressed. Heck, life is synonymous with stress! Does this mean we don't exercise any self-control and lash out or abuse our partner? Where is one's agency and ownership in how we *choose* to behave? Life throwing stressors is no excuse for abuse of any kind.

It's the same cycle - honeymoon phase, life slaps one in the face, so hey let's lash out at our partner and blame it on life, honeymoon phase... rinse and repeat.

I know…. All valid points. All I could tell him this morning was that I will not accept any more fighting. It had to be said.

Verbal abusers are emotional vampires....they want and need you to respond to their abusive words. You can never make a point, and they do not care what you think or feel.. Once you know their "secret" you can protect yourself by not responding. In other words, you can say.....If you choose to speak to me abusively (abuse is always a choice) we will not have a conversation. No further words...they will want to continue to argue and explain.....ignore.

I agree with this 100%. I would much rather have a poor communicator who respects me in my life than a great communicator who doesn't respect me. Respect isn't something someone learns but communication can be.

Have Hope, you have a lot going on right now and I'm sure you have a lot to do. If I were in your shoes with the weekend coming soon, I would make sure I plan some me time and focus on personal stress relief. Live in the moment and find happiness. Maybe a massage, or go to the movies, or have dinner with a friend. Set aside the stuff that's causing you stress for a few hours and just be the person you picture yourself as when you aren't experiencing all this stress. The things causing you stress will be there, but your brain will be making serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins so you are better equipped to deal with the stress.

Focus on you.

@Marie123, YES! I feel drained and not like my usual self. I can rarely make a point and he, when arguing or fighting with me, does not care about how I feel or what I think.

I have tried leaving the room when it happens, but even that doesn't work. NOT responding MAY work.

Thank you.

@RollercoasterLover, thank you.

This weekend I am going (with my husband) to a friend's gathering in the country on Sat. Sunday will be mom time for a while, and that involves dealing with my father's service (mainly). I may not be able to truly grab quality 'me" time this weekend, but I will grab quality friend time, so that's important too. Seeing my friends helps to ground me.

I’ve decided to leave him. I’ve made up my mind. My mom called to tell me don’t let things blow up before my dad’s service. That’s on the 25th. The next wkend is my bday. It’s going to have to be then.

What is he fighting about? Like is it always same topic or just random? Just always in a bad mood and pick random fights? I was thinking if it’s always same thing then the topic could be avoided?

It’s at first over little things that turn into mountains and then talk of breaking up. It’s never over the real issues. The real issues are never resolved because he fights and argues rather than discusses and resolves. And he always has to be right. I’m always wrong.

I am of 100% conviction that leaving is my only and best decision. I can’t work with someone so unreasonable, so short fused and hot headed who only wants to fight and tear me down while arguing. I’m done. It’s abuse and it stops now.

Our last fight and this morning’s fight - and all the fights within the last year since April - 5 or 6 of them. Something has crossed over in me. I crossed the threshold and there is no going back. He’s crossed the lines of respect far too many times - too many for me to count. I’ve given him chance after chance to make things right, to grow and learn but he hasn’t changed. It’s still abuse and he’s still very abusive. I have no choice but to walk away. I will not tolerate it any further. Therapy is a joke - he only said he’d go so I would come back. He has zero interest in learning or growing into a better man, yet I do for myself. He cannot be the partner I want and need and enough is enough.

Also, today a suspect package arrived in the mail for my husband from a woman in South Carolina. I looked her up and they’re friends on Facebook. I asked him who she is and what is she sending him. He claimed to not know and claimed they hadn’t spoken in several years. He also said she’s the ex of his good buddy. He told me to open it. I did. It was a t-shirt commemorating his brother who died in 9/11, with a note signed with a heart saying she thought he may need some “extra love this week” due to 9/11. I asked him how she has his current address and why is she sending him a care package after several years of no contact? He messaged her saying he hadn’t heard from her in a long time, told her it was a very nice gesture, thanked her and asked how she got the address. She said she asked mutual friends and that she wanted it to be a surprise. He showed me their messages.

Now am I crazy to still think it’s suspect????

It’s easy to find addresses online. Quick search.

I find it beyond weird though. Is he not telling people he is married? Or after he told them he was divorcing do they not know you back together?

Hhmm t-shirt is kind of personal. I don’t send gifts to married men

His message to her stated that they hadn’t spoken in a long time. He told me it had been several years. But she sees his posts on Facebook and must know we’re together. He posts about me often with photos of us.

It’s weird to me too.