Marriage Problems

So, I did accuse him of lying to me yesterday about this woman, before he showed me their messages. I apologized to him for jumping the gun and for thinking the worst. Now this morning he wouldn’t even say hi to me and barely kissed me goodbye. Now he’s upset with me and is annoyed that I accused him.

More issues.

I asked him just now, and he says he's "not feeling well". As usual. He's not feeling well. That's the story of my marriage. He rarely feels well and most especially when there's been an issue between us.

Importantly, HOW do I tell him that it's over? I don't know what to say to him or when.

It has to be after the 25th of this month, a week from Sunday.

I feel like saying that my heart is no longer invested in this relationship, that it's not working out, I am not happy, and that I no longer love him. That's what I want to say, which is all 100% true.

I am pretty certain any love left for him is gone now - or at least, I do not feel it and my heart is definitely not invested anymore. The last fight we had did me in and was really the final straw for me.

He just called to tell me how deeply hurt he is that I accused him of something he wasn't doing. So, now he's hurt and blames me, though I had sincerely apologized yesterday. I told him that he deeply hurt me with his insults and demeaning comments towards me recently (you're crazy, psychotic and something is wrong with you).

This is just getting worse and worse and worse. I want OUT right. now.

Abusers are always hurt, because everything is about THEM. They never take responsibility for their behavior. Good for you for getting out because he won't change.He will be hurt some more (LOL)....because you are getting a divorce and (according to him) it will all your fault.

He is not taking accountability. And of course he will act like he is the 'victim' and how dare you hurt him. Of course he will deflect all the blame onto you. That is his MO: *you* are the bad guy in this dynamic, after all.

That is his script and this has been going on for years: either become the victim or sweet talk you the minute you stand up for yourself. He will always give you just enough honey to keep you hanging on (apologies, act loving, promises to change, blah de blah). Ultimately, his true colours *always* show.

All very true. He is acting like the victim now. And yes it’s all my fault. He won’t forgive and let go. Geez. I forgave him for an infidelity. All I did was suspect something was up with this woman sending him a package. Sure I called him a liar, but what was I to think?? A random package from a woman he hadn’t spoken to in years yet she sends him a package with a love note and knows our address??? Naturally it seemed suspect and I didn’t trust him at his word.

Whatever you do, be honest and kind when you speak to him. I think you have already expressed the unhappy things that have lead to your decision, so keep it simple, straightforward and factual. A reality of life is that love isn't enough for a relationship to function.

You have both been hurt by the other. You both have the right to your feelings. If emotions run a little high and stressed in the next 2 weeks, step back, make eye contact and say I want to not argue with you. It's clear we have things to discuss. Now is not the time to discuss them.

It's OK to table an emotionally charged conversation until feelings are under control. Keep yourself safe and leave if you are in danger.

Good luck.

I’m too angry. I’m angry over the insults and the fights he’s created with me. I’m angry that he ruined my nice long weekend recently and now seems to want to also ruin this weekend too. I’m fed up with him, and now he’s acting all hurt over an accusation, when he WAS unfaithful at one point. Now he’s the wounded one and that makes me irate.

And now he’s telling me to go to our party alone tomorrow. I told him I’m going to my mother’s if he cannot simply forgive me and move on. He’s taking his woundedness and is running with it.

You said you are leaving him so why does it matter if he forgives you

I do not know. I cannot make waves until after my father's service, so I have to keep the peace. I promised my mother. How else am I supposed to handle it?

I’d not be going to a party if I want to end the marriage. I’d go to something crucial to keep a peace with grieving mother, that’s I understand.

I’d be absolutely livid if my husband went with me to parties while plotting exact day to leave me. I knew a guy whose ex wife went to a fancy banquet with him while having exact day of moving out planned. He had no clue. It really messed him up. He felt like an idiot.

I’d do only what’s absolutely necessary to keep peace. Party isn’t necessary

That's your opinion, and I respect it but I have to do what I feel is right for myself. If I do not go to the party with my husband, it will blow up against my mother's request. And this is a plan we've had for a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to seeing friends. I was going to go alone as of today because he was fighting with me - yet again. So, right now we're at peace and tomorrow we could be fighting again.

He is love bombing me now. He is back to his affectionate, loving self and there's peace again between us.

I have NO idea how to go about this. Since I promised my mother, I cannot let on that I am unhappy OR about to leave him. I cannot rock the boat at all before my dad's service. A promise is a promise, although it places me in a really bad position.

I don't even know what to do. Maybe the right time will present itself - in the next argument or fight between us. Maybe I need to wait until the right time does arise.

And, I am not too concerned with how HE feels or will feel. After all, he has been abusive all over again, he has insulted and demeaned me repeatedly when fighting, I am stuck in the abuse cycle with him, and I must get away & soon. It's just so much harder when he's in the love bombing phase, & when things are calm and fine between us. It makes it THAT much harder.

It’s hard to live with one foot out the door always debating if you are staying or going. I’d find it extremely stressful. I’d be hesitant to buy property or any other large mutual spendings if I was not sure if I am staying. I’d hate living in the limbo.

If the issue is the nasty way how he fights, I’d hope therapy would help with teaching him not to fight dirty calling people names or threaten divorce. It sounds if he stops, that it should be all good. Could couple therapist address the ugly manner in which he fights?

Our therapist doesn’t confront my husband. I don’t think he’s even helping him. I think all they honestly do is chit chat.

And yes it’s the nasty way he fights but it’s more than that. It’s the deflections, the projections, the gaslighting, the false accusations and blame that occurs in these fights too - ALL abuse tactics.

And it happens every time he’s stressed. And he’s stressed a LOT of the time these days.

Do these fights happen while intoxicated?

I’ve been with some difficult men and I’ve never been called names or called crazy or that’s something wrong with me EXCEPT by the one who had a drinking problem (fights were always about me unhappy with his drinking) . Then he’d repent and be all sorry when sober up. When sober he was an angel.

We have somebody at work who drinks and abuses pills. They are afraid to fire as she plays her disability very well. So she is just being moved from a building to building when she goes nuts. So when she under influence or withdrawing (at work) she goes ballistic and causes huge problems sending terrible messages or getting into peoples faces.

The way your husband goes nuts in fights like calling you names or at some point he was physical, it sounds as he’s under influence. It’s not normal to call your own wife crazy snd psychotic unless one is drunk or drugged up. He used some heavy drugs in the past. He might be using again and that would explain nasty fights. Just not normal sober behavior

Don’t let therapist just chat. Interrupt and say my husband called me names last night. Are you afraid to bring things up in therapy? Then it’s really a waste of time. I’d not pay for a chitchat

No, he is not under the influence when these fights happen.

I'm not afraid to bring things up in therapy, but the therapist does not validate my experience of my husband, which is not productive. I've wanted to change therapists and have tried, but there's a lack of availability due to prolonged covid.

One doesn't need to be under the influence to call someone names or insult them. This is pretty common in the arsenal of abusers, gaslighters, narcissists. What better weapon than to deflect and place the blame at the other partner's doorstep and become the victim.

This is typical behaviour in abusive relationships.

Couples therapy when one is abusive is never a good idea. The abuser needs his own therapy to figure out his issues and behavior.

(((Have Hope)))

I don't have much to offer, but wanted to offer some support. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this around the time of your dad's service, and so sorry for that loss. There is just so much for you to deal with.

It sounds like you e made some decisions, and that's good. What you said about those lines that get crossed and you can never go back- I totally get that. You can't unring the bell, right?

Stay strong as you can. You don't have to put it away indefinitely, just until the time is right to deal with it.

(((Hugs))))

Yeah marriage counseling isn’t recommended in a situation of abuse as it often makes it worse. It sounded as he really wanted to get better though so it was worth trying, but if he wastes previous therapy time on a chit chat and bonding with a therapist, getting better isn’t his priority.

He managed to charm this therapist. I also don’t think that the same therapist could be individual and couples therapist. Maybe i am wrong but isn’t he also seeing this t individually? So if that’s the case, therapist is loyal to the husband. It’s also very likely he tells therapist things about you. So whatever you tell therapist holds no value as therapist already got skewed vision of events from the husband. It’s lose lose situation.

Thanks everyone for your caring and support.

We’re now back in the honeymoon phase and all is good again. When he’s this way, I want to stay with him. When he’s not, I want to leave him. Right now I feel kind of stuck in the middle again. But then when he’s in a mood again, I’ll want to leave him. A vicious cycle.

I know our therapy is far from ideal. He did seem motivated before and I think that’s waning. I am only just guessing that he only makes chit chat with the therapist. That’s what I’ve witnessed in our couples sessions at least. And yes, I think he has charmed the therapist. The therapist doesn’t witness how my husband truly is. And he hides it from the therapist I do believe.

And yes, it totally sucks that this is all happening around my dad’s service. I have to be strong and keep my head about me.

Oh man, this is so hard.

Honestly some marriages are just like that. There are ton of people who fight like cats and dogs and get quite nasty with each other but then hugging and kissing the next day like nothing happened! They might live 50 years like this. That’s just how their marriage is. My parents had the kind of marriage. Growing up like that that’s all I knew. Didn’t want it in my life but I really thought that’s how all marriages are.

I mean if there are no kids to learn wrong ways and get damaged by turmoil and drama, then who’s to say you can’t stay in a marriage like this? No one can tell you to leave. You are two adults. It’s perfectly fine to stay.

Now if you can’t decide I think it depends if you are better off with him or without. Which one makes you happier. Be with him or be without. Then base your decision on that.

Whenever I felt I am better without someone, then it was relatively easy to leave. Regardless if it’s legal marriage of other arrangements

Yeah… I feel for me sometimes it’s can’t live with him but also at times I can’t live without him. Sigh.