I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

I suggest you take some control over this situation and buy a box of trash bags and a few boxes and tape. Tell him he can pay you back by making less trips to your home over the next couple weeks.

You may need to apply a bit of "discomfort" to his prolonged moving plan. Play music he doesn't like, cook food he hates the smell of, invite your friends he doesn't like to help you make future plans while he packs... make your life an unpleasant place for him to linger.

That was a technique I used and it was extremely effective at shortening the length of departure.

Sounds like a good idea

He complains that his back is the problem - I don't see why it matters if he packs boxes vs carrying things piecemeal to his car. I don't know. I feel very reticent to just let him take the trips he needs before Nov 1. I did give him three weeks initially to move out.

So, I did something really bad last night. I stood up for myself to one of my husband's best friends - or his best friend's wife, whose cell number I have. I sent her screenshots of convos with my husband over text, proving that he is the one with anger issues and who has been abusive towards me.

I had been drinking and talking about the whole situation with one of my best girlfriends. After a while of talking about it with her, I got a bee in my bonnet and did that. It has been eating away at me - his lies to his best friends, making me the bad guy, and him the innocent victim.

He will be going to this same friend's home today for the football game. And, I am now seriously fearful of the fallout, should his best friend's wife choose to tell my husband about what I did.

The texts I sent her show me accusing him of being abusive, and him admitting he has anger issues.

Help. He is going to go ballistic once or IF he finds out. I feel SO stupid, and now my anxiety is through the roof over this.

I don't think you can un-send texts, can you avoid his best friend?

As for your husband, even if he blows up, don't respond to any messages or meet him anywhere

I wrote her a brief text this morning, apologizing and saying I never should have sent those texts. I told her I was really upset.

Now I’ve undermined myself entirely. What I’m worried about is if she tells my husband, I will have hell to face.

Well you can’t undo it so it is what it is. Nothing good comes out of excessive drinking and you won’t be the first person who sends drunken texts. Usually recipients know these are drunken texts without you even saying. So she likely knows it and won’t make a big deal out of it. Just a lapse of judgement under the influence.

Has she ever replied to you? If she is your friend she likely will keep it private and if not it’s just a mistake. Just tell him you were very upset and lost control and it won’t happen again. Then move on from it.

Do you think there’s a chance that she won’t tell or show my texts to my husband?? I know she owes me no loyalty, but the screenshots I shared with her are of me telling him he’s abusive.

No she never replied. She is sort of a friend of mine through him, but much more so is my husband’s friend.

All you can do is accept that you can't undo anything. You can only apologize after the fact for your behavior. You have either proven your husband is right or you have proven you're right. That's the problem with proving things... everyone has a different perspective and may not see things the way you do. Being right may actually make you miserable instead of happy.

Use it as a learning experience. In this instance, a humbling sincere apology for sending the texts you sent because you were angry and drunk is your only premptive defense option. Text the woman you texted and apologize for your bad behavior. Skip being defensive and proving you are right. It isn't going to help you to battle with her about your husband. The set up a couple apps to prevent future problems.

Make a plan to prepare for his angry response (ironic that he will respond with anger to you saying to someone else he has anger issues, isn't it?). Pack an overnight bag with shoes and hide it in your car in case you need to leave quickly. Keep your car key, id and a credit card in your pocket at all times. Being prepared to leave quickly is a scary thought, but it's your plan of last resort for a worst case scenario. You may not need to leave quickly.

I know you are still sharing space to live. But really, everything you can do to move his moving out along helps you the most. It isn't a favor to him, it's a favor to your mental health... the ultimate self care. Don't forget to forgive yourself for making a mistake or regrettable choice. It's going to be ok and you're going to get through this.

Thanks so much for your advice.

I feel defeated I guess. He wins, I lose. His point is proven correct that I must be crazy and unstable. The ironic thing is that abuse does make you feel crazy and unstable.

I did apologize to her, though I did not admit to being drunk to her. I told her I had been very upset.

Maybe by some saving grace, she won’t share it with my husband.

I suppose I can always go to my mother’s home if things are really bad later.

I don’t agree with this “He wins and I lose”. In what way he wins and you lose? Or how would it look if you win and he lost? What would be different? Marriage is not working. You are divorcing. There’s no winning or losing competition.

Well what if you look you are crazy and unstable. What difference does it make? They hold some authority over you? Moral judgement?

You vent to your friend and he vents to his. That’s not wrong. That’s what people do. And these people very obviously are his friends not yours (she didn’t even reply). So what they think of you is non sequential. Let them talk.

Pack his stuff. If he has friends they can come and help him move. Be ready to leave yourself if need to if he does crazy. But this back and forth just can’t go on

I don't know how it seems like I lose and he wins - I lost control of myself and did something that will only just piss him off and give him ammunition to use against me. I got drunk and texted his female friend. I wanted to prove something and stand up for myself, and now I fear it will backfire. He can hold it against me and hold it over my head, which only just gives him more power. I am trying to take back my power, not lose it. In abusive situations, the abuser always wants all the power and control. And that's what our relationship has been about for HIM - there's no equality.

I feel very fragile today as a result - like extremely fragile.

I understand you are upset. But he’s going to hold it over your head in what way? What power does he have if you two are divorcing anyways.

He’d only have power if somehow it would effect divorce proceedings outcome or custody issues if you appear unstable. That’s not the case so what power does he have? His friends wife will agree with him that you crazy. So? Your friends think he’s awful and his friends think you are. Who cares? Relationship is over, marriage will be over hopefully soon.

I understand it’s embarrassing you sent those texts. But we’ve all been there in one way or the other. In a long run none of it matters. Expedite divorce and you never have to see him again.

Once all his stuff is out, you will never have to see him again, hold on to that fact

He will be honoured to receive so much as a fart in his direction from you, after the divorce is over and done with

Thank you.... @willowtigger, lol.

So, I WILL have to see him out at music events we both attend. I refuse to give up the music I like so as to avoid him at all costs. I will try to avoid him, but it's unavoidable given what we both like to do and we both love the same music.

I feel he will have power over me because I did something wrong and he can now hold it over me, as me being "crazy".

No drinkies until he leaves for good!

What power though? I don’t understand. That’s a faulty thinking. So he thinks you are crazy. It’s not him having power. He thinks you are crazy and you think he is an *****. So no one has any power. Honestly if his opinion matters to you so much you should not be divorcing. His opinion shouldn’t matter anymore, same as any opinions

I suppose so - fact is, I FEEL crazy and I am acting crazy because of HIM and his constant lying.

Best way you can prove him to be a liar pants on fire is have zero contact with him after the divorce, that way everyone will be thinking "if she's really that unbalanced, why has she gone zero contact with him"

Every time he speaks, imagine his voice to be a toilet flushing away his crap

He cant "constantly lie" to you if you go no-contact.

Idk. If you continue to attend functions where he is, yes, you ARE going to look a little crazy. Like you want to keep him in your life. You wont want to see him with another partner, will you?

If you do become more active, he cant follow you to YOUR events. Like A running or biking group. Im not buying the argument that the taste in music is so specialized. I live in a college town, and there are multiple music events every night. You cant have your cake and eat it too.

Also, to whom are you "standing up for yourself?" You wont need to do that until you meet St Peter at the pearly gates! As gertrude stein said, "There's no 'there' there." Nobody is keeping score. It only matters to you, and thats enough!

When you engage with someone who is lying, there is no way in heck you can mount a reasonable defense. They are cheating, verbally speaking. Like trying to win at poker when playing with cheaters. You are only crazy for choosing to participate when you KNOW you can only lose. Why are you stuck in playing that game? You wouldnt IRL. "Know when to walk away..."

I understand you wanting him to see things your way. But thats not how it works. You cant change a person. You CAN change to a different partner. You CAN find someone who sees things the way you do. You just need to follow Maya Angelou's rule, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. This is why there are Democrats and Republicans - how many of them can be converted to the other party? There is no ONE right way. Again, unless you are facing st peter.

Just a few days after my first wedding, i was trying to figure out how to go back to university so i could join the track team. I thought it would be easy to just run faster than the other women. Obviously, i just wanted to run away from my situation! But i had no insight at the time.

The best revenge is living well. Not trying to prove anything to anyone (who’s not even of any importance) or keep riding on a crazy Merry go round. There are so many different things one can be involved in and so many ways to live well. That’s the best way to move forward. You can start living well right now. Today. Don’t stoop to his level.

@unaluna, everyone knows that we both see the same music, so I don't think I will look nuts by continuing to do what I like to do. But that being said, I will also find other outlets for myself.
As it is, I may move out of state in 7-8 months for a complete change of scenery.

@divine1966, agreed!

Today I am just feeling very emotional and raw. I will feel better tomorrow, I am sure.