I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

On a separate note, there’s a thread about validation on here. What a good friend told me is that the victim of abuse is never validated by the abuser. Therefore, you start to question yourself, doubt your perceptions and question your reality. Victims of abuse need validation after getting out of the abuse - or even while experiencing it. They/we need to feel that our perceptions and instincts are correct. The abuser constantly gaslights, which invalidates the experiences and beliefs of the victim.

It’s very sick. So, abuse victims in particular need validation.

I am sure he showed up with agenda. He just cried to you the other day seeing you during your lunch, got you to feel bad for him and now he thought he’d follow up at 7:30am. No one shows up at peoples doors at 7:30am without an agenda. He hoped it would lead to another crying session and maybe some embrace and then who knows what he hoped for. He is sneaky

Isn’t he? He’s slippery and slimy. I agree there was a hidden agenda- no doubt. If you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile.

He's as slimy as a group of slugs

There should be a laugh button on here. Lol.

I half expected you to say that was offensive - what did the slugs do to deserve being compared to him?

A cornucopia of slugs.

What is the LAST thing you want on your thanksgiving day dinner table?

Heheehe.

Stop giving him an inch. He is upset at work? He could call the therapist he bonded with. His brother. His many friends. Online therapist. Etc He knows what’s he doing. Stories about cashier and what not. Now this. He keeps you unsteady and feeling guilty. That’s how he operates. He’s smart

True. I am not his therapist or his mother or his wife.

And who is the LAST person I want there with me? My husband.

@rive, sorry I scared you off… your insights are usually spot on and I’ve always appreciated your input.

Abusers use the same techniques used in POW camps.....brainwashing...I wrote a paper and presented it to my State's Counseling Association (no degree but a "lifetime "of abuse made me an expert.....entitled: Society's Hidden Pandemic ...Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Assault, and a Form of Biochemical Assault. (I wrote that before the pandemic) Every time we are abused, the body releases cortisol and cortisol damages the immune system. I have always joked that it is a wonder I am not dead after a childhood of abuse, 31 year marriage of the same and then a church who abused me. I am very proud of you, you are fighting a war to try and keep your sanity. In the end you will have escaped.

WOW - that's impressive about your paper. I also did not know that abuse can affect your body in that way.

And thank you for being proud of me! It has been very tough on me.

On one of my narc abuse forums, women talk about the "narcissist discard" as soon as new narcissistic supply is secured. He is crying and pleading to me now, but I am sure he is on the lookout for new supply to replace me as soon as possible. Then, the cold discard will come and he will turn his back on me and will go completely silent. I wonder how I feel at that point? Relieved probably - that he is finally off my back. But maybe there will be a twinge of sadness when he turns to someone else. I usually have trouble seeing my ex's move onto a new woman, especially if it's fast. I have to remind myself at that point that I don't want him and certainly do not need him.

Any woman who catches him next or next after that, I will feel sorry for though. She will have NO clue what she's getting into. And, I am sure he will paint me as negatively as possible to the next female because of course it will have been all MY fault and my "illness" that has caused our divorce.

Of course. Same way he portrayed his ex wife. Like a monster. It will be the same with you. No doubt

It might happen fast for him but not because of him not caring about you or him finding love etc We all know he cannot manage on his own due to bad spending habits, addiction and bad credit history. He’ll need a second income/apartment co-signer/car co-signer ASAP. He’ll be on a lookout in no time. Future victim might have no clue or maybe she’ll see red flags fast. Like you hopefully are more aware now and will see red flags in men faster.

Right now I am sure he doesn’t believe you two will be ever done because he’s that skilled in manipulation. He’s going to amp the game. He’s already crying, supposedly having troubles at work and showing up without warnings. Be prepared.

I am prepared for the fight of my life. I know he will continue to try to convince me not to divorce and give him another chance. And that he will continue crying to me, while also looking for someone else.

I know how needy he is and how badly he wants someone to take care of him.

I am definitely far more aware of red flags than I've ever been. I have ZERO interest in men right now.

*puts slugman repellent around Have Hopes house*

Last night I went out by myself. I went to hear a band, sat by myself and didn't speak with a single soul all night. A friend was supposed to show up, but he showed up just as I had decided to leave.

It was a fairly lonely experience. And I realize today that this is my new life without him. Being lonely and single again. On the flip side, I want to relish in my newfound independence that is free of abuse and control over me. I am generally a very free spirited and independent person who does whatever I want. But reality is sinking in, and I know this is going to be tough on me.

I feel slightly depressed over this. I don't want him back and I will never turn around and tell him I want him back. There's no going back now and I don't want to go back.

But loneliness is HARD.

Life without him does not need to be sad or lonely. Sure it’s normal to feel sad due to divorce but it shall pass. It helps to make changes in your routine too. Yeah going to places you frequented with him by yourself might reenforce lonely feeling. Well then don’t. Go do different things. If listening to bands by yourself saddens you then do other things. Divorce or break up is hard no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s normal. Do uplifting things and stay busy. Don’t do stuff that makes you feel worse

Also sometimes active/creative hobbies are better fit your mental health than passive ones. Passive is going sit and listen, while feeling depressed. Active hobby would be join a choir or a band. Passive is watching sport while feeling lonely. Active is join a league or a group at community center. You won’t be thinking about him as your mind and body will be occupied

Where I went last night is somewhere new to me and is not an old haunt where he and I used to go. I actually wasn't even feeling lonely sitting there by myself at the time. I woke up feeling lonely, with not much to do on a Sat.

I know I will have to fill the void somehow and meet new people. I have made a couple of new friends already, which is nice. I plan on going out for Halloween with one of them on Monday night.

On the flip side, I am so thankful and am relishing in having no one trying to control everything I do, no one criticizing me, or fighting with me, or gaslighting me. I am free of all of that, and that helps with the loneliness factor. I'd rather be alone than dealing with any of that.

Great point. Being alone means no one will cause problems or ruin your day.

Try something new everyday. A new food, a new nail color, a new route home from work, a new brand of shampoo. Try it for a month with the goal of finding at least 4 things that weren't in your life when he was in it.

This is a life adaption of cbt. Instead of just changing your behavior, change (with good new things) the pattern of your life. It doesn't have to be drastic, it just needs to be new to you. Focus on the person you are and want to be. Find what brings you joy and let go of things that don't. Even if it's temporary.

YEP!

I like this suggestion! Thanks!