I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Yesterday was a very rough day.

I was alone and lonely and started to question my decision, thinking what have I done? I know, I know. I will NOT turn back this time around. But, I was missing companionship and someone who seemingly cares about me.

The reality is - HE never truly cared about me. All he cares about is himself. True to NPD, I was just a trinket to make him look good and a substitute mother to pick up after him and take care of him. I do NOT want this back, but I DO want companionship.

This weekend has been very lonely for me and is a wake up call to what my life now is like.

As I wrote above, the only positives are that he is no longer able to control my every move and criticize everything I say and do.

I woke up at 4:30 AM - it is now 5:00 AM. My sleep is off lately and I've been waking up very early like this. It's awful. I cannot sleep these days.

And, being lonely also makes me far more vulnerable to his love bombing and hoovering - this I know already because I have been there and done that twice now.

I have to be stronger than I've ever been.

I just re-read some of my journal entries from the last two years of trying to leave him - ALL my reasons for divorcing him, ALL the negatives, etc etc.

And I found this in one of my entries about the hoovering phase, which I will inevitably face because I've "abandoned" him and have essentially "ghosted" him:

"Ghosting a narcissist is a huge blow to their ego, one that causes a huge narcissistic injury and can potentially even lead to a narcissistic collapse (especially if they are struggling to line up replacement supply).

If you discard the narcissist and this catches them by surprise and in their view they are not ‘done' with you yet, expect them to give you the fight of your life to stay with them.

The narcissist needs to be the one doing the discarding, otherwise this inevitably causes them to accept their lack of control over you and lack of self-worth for being discarded. This forces them to see their ‘real-self' which is the vulnerable/ insecure person they spend their entire life running from.

You can expect the narcissist to try and reach out to you, and for all of the good things you ever saw in the narcissist to re-surface when they do. This is to confuse you and make you doubt your decision for leaving. Narcs are good at making you feel like you are letting go a part of yourself/ soul for leaving them. This is why it is important to cut ties and go no contact asap, otherwise they will try and reel you back in."

Keep reminding yourself that you are stronger than loneliness. Loneliness is a feeling, and not one that will last forever. Alone is not the same as lonely.

I wonder how lonely you felt when you were with him.

You deserve much better than slugman, Have Hope

True, alone is not the same as lonely. I just wish I had more friends around me that are local to me. My best girlfriends are scattered across the country.

And, yes, there was loneliness while in my relationship. I felt largely neglected in every way - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually even.

I know I deserve far better.... it's just going to be a tough road for me right now, doing all on my own, helping myself and healing myself.

I look at it as living without the static. Some people just provide static (like radio or tv static) to our lives. You cant hear or see what your program is.

What you wrote about leaving a narc really resonated with me. Although for me, it was my mother who held me back, pushed me down.

I wonder if H sees you as his parents, that he never broke away from? He never became an adult because his parents always provided. He abandons you but completely discounts it. He is not there for you, he is there for himself. You are just filling a hole in his life.

I look at it as falling into a thorn bush or a porcupine! It stings and hurts. Static doesn't hurt. Narcissists harm people & deliberately.

And yes, I think you are likely correct because his parents pampered him until the age of 32. He never grew up and never knew how to stand on his own two feet without a woman supporting him. I was a bank account and someone to use for his own needs & pleasures - that's it. And I was his emotional punching bag. No more.

I'm sorry your mom held you back and down. My dad did the same to me. It's been a lifelong battle to overcome.

When I moved to a new city, I used this site to find local friends: Meetup - We are what we do

Meetup is how I found friends too. And new activities/hobbies I likely wouldn't have pursued without those friends.

Thanks!! I will check it out.

Showers loves everywhere for have hope

Good point about the static! I thought of that when i was in my mid-20's, before i got more in touch with my physical self.

Yeah I have shared about meetup on here. I made a lot of girlfriends on meetup. Not only meeting new friends but you can explore new places and activities that you’d not do otherwise.

Well, I am also considering moving out of state in June. So there's that too. But that doesn't mean I can't go meet other women to hang out with for now.

I used meetup to go to a weekly Reiki meetup where we would do Reiki on each other and explore energy healing topics. As you would expect from a healing community, everyone was really welcoming and there were men and women of all ages that would come weekly.

Your life/world is now......what you make it. I think I mentioned keeping a journal ; it can be helpful in that you can go back and read what you wrote......I wrote a letter to the now x, and it helped to read what I had written to him. Don't let anyone steal your joy. xo

I would join an energy healing group - that sounds pretty cool!

I do keep a journal and I do re-read what I've written quite frequently. It helps!

I am pissed at myself. He insisted on coming to get the cats this morning, even though I countered with coming tonight instead because I won't be working then. He said we had initially agreed upon this morning, which is true, but I will be working, and I cannot be distracted. I am stressing over a project I was assigned at work and I have to focus on it today. He better not distract me while I am at work! GRRRR. I wish I had stuck to my guns and I wish I had just said "no!"

It's normal to feel frustrated with yourself when stuff like that happens. I've learned that my boundaries need to be "movable". They aren't concrete walls, more like bullet proof glass shields that I can adjust when needed. Thinking of it that way really helps eliminate self frustration.

Ooh.. I like that perspective! Thank you!

I'm also having anxiety about seeing him today. I don't know what I will get from him - more hostility, gaslighting & abuse, or niceness towards me? I am guessing the former since he just buried his mother yesterday and will likely come in all hostile towards me.

When you’re looking for meetups, use keywords like Reiki, metaphysical, energy and healing and you should see a number of possibilities unless you’re in a really rural area.

Thank you!!