I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

So, I did get more hostility from him today when he came over to get the cats. He's upset that I did not text him during his mother's funeral or at all yesterday for the funeral. I had sent flowers instead, and he claims he never saw them. Great.

I told him he has no respect for what I want and need and that I am protecting my mental health. So he turned right around and said the same things to me - that I have no respect for his wishes or needs! What total BS! I hate him! I am now in a foul mood and it's ruined my whole day.

You were right about what would happen with him.

I know - grrrrr. And now he’s trying to tell me that he didn’t fail me as a husband. I said, oh yes you did, to which he didn’t reply.

He tried to fight with me over text today after he left. I am sooooo fed up with him and all his bs accusations. He expects me to support him through his mother's death, even though I have no desire to be "friends". How can I support him when he's been abusive towards me? What does he expect? I am so upset right now over this and how he behaves.

So of course, now I am in the wrong and a terrible person for abandoning him during his time of need.

He's a selfish bastard, Have Hope, your better off without him

He didnt go to your dads memorial service!!! I will never forgive him for that!

Sorry, i just cant stand this pot calling the kettle black. Im okay now.

I know, right?!?!? He lives by a double standard!!! It’s annoying af!

I’m not ok. Grrrr.. I’m beyond pissed off.

Thanks for being annoyed on my behalf!!

Again. Do not engage. You do not have to reply to his texts. You do not have to defend yourself. It doesn’t matter who did what to whom at this point. You will never agree. Don’t engage in those discussions.

I agree. More you respond more he’d say back and longer this will drag.

Defending yourself against his words signals him that he can still manipulate you and he will keep it up for as long as you defend against him. Engaging in it will only boost his ego.

You know you are right and he will never agree with your point of view. If you stop reacting, he won't get his power fix. I get that it frustrates you and ticks you off. I suggest you crush boxes, or other such physical activity, to work through your anger instead of fueling his ego by engaging.

I crushed cardboard boxes and aluminum cans for a year to process anger. I was really angry, but it was very effective. His picture on a dartboard may help too.

I used to have a stress ball, maybe getting a stress ball could help?

Thanks, everyone.

I guess my problem is that I have a strong need to stand up for myself whenever he tries to walk all over me.

Yesterday, it was you didn't call me on the day of the funeral - a statement deliberately made to make me feel guilty or bad about having made a boundary.

So I felt the need to stand up for myself and tell him - I sent flowers, didn't you get them? It turns out that my flowers did not arrive in time for the funeral - he didn't even see them - great - so I had to ask for a refund.

It's very difficult when I am a compassionate person and when his mother just died. It complicates matters. I have to express my sympathy without compromising my boundaries. It's a tough tight rope to be walking.

He is a big boy and should be able to handle his mother's death with other support other than me, though. I've already told him that I am no longer "that person" for him - creating a boundary.

Yet still, he tries to constantly cross my boundaries by making these kinds of statements - and I know it's disrespect and disregard.

I told him yesterday that he has no respect for my wishes and needs, so he threw that one right back in my face to say the same thing about me.

ONE more trip to the apartment and he is DONE with moving. Then I can stop these types of interactions far better. He wanted to come here again during the day today and I said NO. It disrupts my work and I will not allow it. He is coming Wed eve after work instead. I will make sure he takes everything left at that point.

And, speaking of boundaries... I have to be very careful.

I ran into an old college friend 3 weeks ago - a male - whom I haven't seen in about 25 or more years. He is kind of gluing himself onto me, extending multiple invites for me to stay over at his house overnight (he lives with his mother and does not work due to a physical illness), in order to escape from my husband.

He now has extended an offer to pay for my legal fees if they are too high for me. I've had to place some strong boundaries and say no to each invite and to him wanting to pay my legal fees. I told him I do not borrow from friends,. and that if I must borrow money I will ask my mother.

He is also telling me he loves me (as a friend) and that I need "safe" males to be around. He's crossing all sorts of boundaries, in my opinion. I am wary, even IF he IS an old friend. We were never that close in college, yet he stated to someone else recently that we were "best friends". Not true.

I want to be very careful about who I let into my close circle. I am holding him at arms length.

The next time he gives you a litany of all the ways you have disappointed him over the marriage, you simply respond with "you know what, you're right and that's why we shouldn't be together!" and then go silent. Simply agree. You don't need to defend yourself to a delusional person.

Ha! I love your suggestion!!!!

RUN!!!!!!!

*takes Have Hope out somewhere, to keep her mind off of slugman*

Stay very far away from the so called old friend. He’s not after friendship whatsoever and he knows you are vulnerable. Sadly when people go through divorce or widowhood, there are always people come from out of no where preying on vulnerable, both men and women. not surprised he latched on to you when you are weak. Would he be pushing friendship if you were still married. Bet you not. So this isn’t friendship. This is very bad news. I’d not continue with this “friendship” because it will end bad. That’s how it started with your husband. “He’s just a friend helping me through break up.”. Ended badly.

Nope. Block this dude

Thanks, divine. I'm keeping strong boundaries with him. I won't block him since he's basically harmless to me, but he is trying to swoop in and "save" me, which I don't need. Plus, I have to see him socially every week where I go to hear music. I want to be friends with him, but at a distance.

That being said, I am definitely very wary of people in general now, and especially of men that come into my world. I am not going to repeat my mistakes or patterns ever again. THIS TIME, I am learning the lessons taught to me. This time, I am going to change - my approach, myself, my outlook, my life. I am turning a new leaf and I cannot turn backwards. I am only moving forward and am getting stronger every day. I feel it within my soul, within my whole body and spirit. I am growing and learning from this, and I will be a far stronger & wiser person because of this experience.

More drama. One of his cats is suddenly very sick - he says from stress, but that's what HE claims and it could be something else. She has feline eye herpes, which is crud coming out of her eyes. He messaged me, having a total meltdown. He said he thinks he's having a nervous breakdown, after losing his father, then his mother, and now me, and now the cat is sick. I was distant with him but sympathetic about the cat. I did not pick up the phone when he called. I avoided that call.

And one of my team members was fired yesterday. Drama at work too.

I need to just hold it together. I cannot take much more.

It is normal to want to defend yourself, but when you do, it just opens it up to his responding and that is what he wants. I had to train myself to stop responding.YOU have the power, not him. There is a saying, you don't have to accept an invitation to an argument. He NEEDS you to respond ..that is the only thing he has going for himself.......getting you to engage everything he says. YOU have the power to stop this on again, off again arguing. He doesn't care what you say he is only interested in arguing with you. He is a spoiled brat acting out his frustrations....just like children do. What do we do with spoiled children throwing a tantrum? Ignore them.

Thank you!!

I need to train myself too - it's SO hard for me to completely disengage. One day I am doing very well at it and hardly respond, and the next, I find myself arguing with him and defending my stance. I've got to stop this and reign it in. I know it's all within my power to do so.

That male old college friend of mine? Well, last night I felt I was bit mean to him, without intending to be. We were out listening to a band - we ran into each other there. I told him that I thought a certain man was cute & that I kind of wanted to meet him. All of a sudden, my male friend is telling me that he doesn't mind if I approach this man... so, I was like, huh? My response was to tell him, "well you're not my boyfriend!" I even said it twice to emphasize the fact. I was annoyed that he was telling me he didn't mind - WHY should he mind? We're only just friends and we've only just met up a few times since not seeing each other for the last 25-30- years! I am getting the distinct impression that he wants to be a boyfriend. UH UH! No way!