I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

I’ve had the worst night. I don’t even want to talk about it. I feel very alone.

I'm sorry.

Aww sorry have hope

Thanks so much @Bill3 and @willowtigger.

I was questioning my decision on top of my bad night and even thought I had made a huge mistake.

This morning I still know it’s the right decision.

But I’ve never felt more alone than I did last night, and I was surrounded by people.

So here's what happened, and now I want to talk about it.

I made an acquaintance with a couple. They're very nice, open and friendly and they kind of adopted me since I was going to this one music venue each week on Wed nights by myself.

Well, last night the 3 of us had made a plan to drive together to a different music venue that is about 40 minutes from where I live. The plan was to meet at a hotel bar at 6:15 and leave by 7. Well, I arrived at the bar at 6:15, and they ended up keeping me waiting there BY MYSELF for an entire hour. They arrived separately, in two separate cars around 6:25 and they both went up to their hotel room together. She needed to change her clothing, yet it took her 45 minutes. I am fairly certain they decided to have sex while making me wait.

I called my best girlfriend at 7, when they still hadn't met me, and I was fuming. She said it was really inconsiderate and rude of them to make me wait all that time at the bar by myself. And I agreed.

I had even texted the guy to ask at one point if I should just go home, because I I had been waiting an hour. They finally show up, but for me, this put a very dark cloud over the entire evening. I never really recovered from it and I kept my distance from them while at the music venue, for the most part. I gave them space to be by themselves, and I had another friend (who showed up) to hang out with instead.

But then, at the end of the night, I was dependent on the couple for the 40-minute ride back to the hotel where my car was parked. Because they had to dilly dally even more and it took forever to get back to the hotel, I didn't get to my car until 1:30 AM.

I was pissed at myself for relying on them for a ride. I was kicking myself for not having gone by myself so that I could leave the music venue whenever I wanted.

So, I had to wait until the end of the show to leave, I was anxious to leave and showed that to the woman of this couple. I was like, "let's rally Sam and get going. I am exhausted".

Then the woman on the drive kept calling her boyfriend an as*s, right in front of me. At some point, he was like, that isn't nice. So, here I was sitting in the back of the car, while this kind of banter was going on.

They dropped me off finally, I thanked them and left. I cried all the way home, thinking I had made a huge mistake in breaking up with my husband. I was missing him and missing having a companion to these shows.

So, that was my awful night.

I am discarding these two. It was SO rude of them to make me wait that long, and it tells me a LOT about who they are.

I will never do that to myself again, and I backed out of the concert I was supposed to attend next Friday with the guy and another female friend of his. I don't want to go now, and I don't want to rely on this guy again for anything.

And that's why I felt SO alone last night and awful. It was terrible.

Sounds like you encountered irresponsible jerks (are they very young?). It doesn’t mean you need to go back to your husband. You just aren’t meeting nice people yet

Honestly you just met these people. You need to take longer before you commit to getting 40 minute rides from them and going to venues together. They might be bad drivers or drive intoxicated. Take longer to get to know people. And maybe on a deeper level. You can’t really get to know people well in bars with music blasting and likely boozing going on. So far almost everyone you meet at these places turn out to be a disaster, your husband, his terrible flirty female friends, these jerks etc None of them seem to have much substance

When we are lonely, we attract the worst people. Both romantically and friendship wise. I’ve met awful people whenever I was lonely. Just attracted weirdos.

You need people with more depth.

Thanks, divine. The couple is older than I am! He's 55 and she is 59.

I agree that I need to meet a higher calibre of people. I am going to look into meetups soon, and when I have the time to research groups.

I'm just seriously disappointed in these two. I agree that I should take more time to get to know people.

I think these people are a bit rude and were terrible hosr/companion types. I don't think it was being alone that was really the problem, it was the people you were with. You had an expectation and they failed to even try to live up to it.

You talk a lot about going out to different venues for music. Check meetup to see if there is a music related meetup. In my area there are 2 music related groups. One for local places with live music and one for area concerts with bus transportation to larger venues. Someone I met in family game night meetup (think scrabble and pictionary at the library) mentioned it. It turned into a monthly gathering at a local restaurant and has been a lot of fun.

Thanks so much @RollercoasterLover. They were very rude! To make me wait a full hour, when they were supposed to meet me at the bar? They were terrible company.

And thanks so much for the tips - I do love live music, so I will look into that on Meetups as well.

Good idea about meetups. We have music related groups on meetups too or just social groups that go to music venues often. Of course you could run into jerks too but already you’d be going with a group and sitting with a group.

I think you are in general very trusting. It’s good to be trusting but to a point. Whenever you meet new people you want only to see good in them. And it’s not wrong, it’s just who you are. Sometimes it might be wiser becoming more careful in who you trust and take your time with people. I don’t even think they are bad people. Just not people you can trust to be on time or make commitments. People are who they are. At 59 for sure they aren’t changing

Honestly I have family members like this. It’s infuriating but we kind of stuck with them. Good for you cutting ties with these folks. Don’t even have to be rude. Say hello. Just don’t make plans.

Yep, and I agree with you. I open up to people very easily, I do want to believe the best in all people I meet, but many just don't cut the mustard.

The problem really is that I hang out in very much of a hippie crowd, because I am a hippie myself. And hippies in general are very open minded, love-oriented people - share & spread the love is the motto. So, the culture encourages this within me, yet I've also met some serious flakes in this crowd and people who are not of strong character or druggies or people who are of low class. I think this couple is pretty low class. When I say that, I am not being snobby or thinking I am better than them - it's more that their actions were low class in my opinion.

I won't stop being who I am, but I will take my time to get to know people better. I am definitely not making any more plans with this couple.

You are going to need to figure out how to be comfortable with your independence. You seem to keep looking for other people to somehow make you comfortable, but until you know how to independently be content in your own skin, you may find yourself repeatedly falling into unsafe circumstances - emotionally and perhaps physically.

I know it is very “alone” when you find yourself without a spouse; I know that quite vividly. But I also know I am still figuring “me” out (and it’s been 18 months in my case since my husband passed). I take it slow and place becoming comfortable doing things independently way before attempting to get into relationship activities (even just with friends). Healing is not going to happen through someone else. It’s on me to find my way. I am slowly working my way into whatever this new life is, but it has to be on my terms because I plan to be okay with being on my own. No one else can make me “okay”: that’s on me.

Take the time to learn yourself again without having to be surrounded by others who, quite frankly, couldn’t care less about whether you are okay with yourself or not.

I agree with you, but to an extent. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am comfortable with my independence. I am OK on my own and have been for years all of my life prior to my marriage. The marriage was far less time than my time being independent and on my own.

I am just trying to make new friendships because I need more local friends to do things with. And yes, I am sociable and prefer not to be a lone wolf all the time. That does not mean I am not comfortable with my independence. If I were not comfortable, I wouldn't be going to all these concerts and places by myself.

A very sad story, indeed. I am no expert but from everything that I have read / researched, this completely follows the typical pattern of an abusive relationship. Right from the promises of change, going to therapy, to the repeating patterns of abuse .. and now, for you, in terms of guilt and self blame. I totally believe in giving people a fair chance / shot, but in this case, it sounds like you’ve given about 6 fair chances, with nothing to show for. I totally get it in that you are blaming yourself (I am the same, believe me) … but just know, even if only rationally / intuitively, that you deserve so much more than this.

Thanks so much, @livestrong232. I see you are relatively new here. Welcome to the forums, and thanks for dropping in on my thread to comment and validate me. It helps so much to just receive the validation that I deserve better and that this was far less than what I need, want and deserve. I don't blame myself anymore, or not as much as I was before. I am learning to forgive myself and have compassion for myself in all ways. Thanks again for your support.

I am looking into buying a keyboard so that I can learn a musical instrument and begin singing. I want to sing! I've wanted to be in band, or do my own thing for YEARS. Several musicians have told me I have a good voice. It runs in my family, on my father's side. My aunt, my dad's sister, could have been a professional opera singer. And my father had a good voice and was in a 100- person male choir that performed across the globe in certain spots. He sang a solo once in a performance. So, I have gained a voice, a good voice, that just needs some training and fine tuning. So my first order of business is to buy a keyboard and a microphone and amp. I used to play piano as a child, so I think a keyboard is a good instrument for me to learn. I've tried guitar, and it hurts my fingers too much.

So, I am happy to report that I am pursuing my musical interests!!!!

You mention your Dad was in a choir. I would think that could be a lot of fun if you find a choir doing the type of music you enjoy.

I've seen on TV some of these mega churches have some fun upbeat music. You would be socializing around like minded musically inclined people, and be forced to get out to socialize at least twice a week for practice and church service.

Also check meetups for jamming sessions which when I was younger were held in cafes and such where I live. You could practice your singing if you find a fun relaxed group not looking for perfection. Just need your phone with you and you have the lyrics to many songs at your fingertips.
If you purchase a portable keyboard, you could even take that with you eventually.

I had thought of this too, which could be really fun for me! It would be a great way to socialize and to pursue a passion of mine. I will look into this, thanks!

So, we have been no contact for 2 days now. And, I don't know how I feel. I spent yesterday catching up with my girlfriends on the phone. It was cathartic and kept me busy. I blocked him on Facebook so that I am not tempted to look at his page for clues. I don't want to be tempted to look.

I think I am going through the withdrawal phase that I knew I would have to face. It's the thought of having someone who cares checking in on me that is keeping me somewhat attached. I want to break the attachment I have. It's just attachment, and nothing more. I am also used to him texting me, so it's a whole new phase to not be hearing from him. I know that this is a good thing, because it's no drama, no manipulations, and I am left feeling far more at peace. So it's good, but I still have to break the attachment that causes me to want to hear from him.

AND, I had totally forgotten this fact: in one of our recent fights that had led up to the second separation, he had threatened to call the police on me! He provoked me to anger, I reacted and raised my voice at him, so he told me HE felt threatened by ME and that he was going to call the police!!!! Yeah, I call total BS! I am a 5'2" petite woman, I did not go near him and I did not threaten to hit him, nor did I even come close to hitting him. I had simply just raised my voice out of anger and frustration at him for provoking me.

This is once again, him flipping things around so that he's the victim and I'm the villain.

Remembering this fact certainly cures me instantly of wanting to hear from him.

I am attending a narc abuse support group for the 1st time tomorrow eve - I am looking forward to it - it;'s for those who are leaving a narcissist.

Hi, HaveHope, I wasn't here on the forum for a lot of this . But I've read through, and have a few more comments to add.

My responses might not be in the order the original posts fell in; please bear with me.

Knowing you as well as I do, now, I know that your upbringing and your hopes for how people will respond to you is very similar to the way I was raised. That is, be kind, do good..."and it will all come back to you.". Forgiving people for their little human imperfections comes very naturally to people like you and me. What you have GOT to understand is that, unlike you and I, an awful lot of people have very different ideas about how to treat, or mistreat, other people. And they even have hidden agendas which can be extremely self-serving, and have absolutely nothing to do with building trust, or enjoying the beauties a friendship can bring.

There are an awful lot of users in the world.

You are so good-natured and open and willing to give everyone a chance. But at some point, this could turn into an Achilles heel for you---we can be TOO kind, TOO empathetic, and we so often expect others to snap out of their bad behaviour, and change over from the dark side. This is, however, very seldom the case.

I had to learn to be excessively selective about who I opened up to, and when. I used to be such an open book. Until I repeatedly got used and wounded. In my experiences, every kind gesture I extended towards them was rewarded, without exception, with slashing cuts at me. There was no way these relationships could end on a friendly note. They simply wouldn't allow it.

It is best, right now, to be wary of people, because I also believe that 'wolves' (the human kind, of both sexes) can smell vulnerability from a mile away. You are very vulnerable---I can see you in my own self, years ago---and I know that two things can come of only seeing the best in people, and giving off that vulnerability. It will either drive people miles away, or you will attract 'wolves'.

I read something wonderful the other day. I don't know whether it is an Eastern mystical idea, or from some form of Hinduism, but it urged folks to embrace their aloneness, and not to fear it. Celebrate your newfound aloneness! Take moments to read that book you've put off for so long. Definitely sleep-in when you get a chance. Fuss over your kitty. Waste time on youtube. Just tap into your own channel for awhile. You spent so long trying to dance around your husband's strange behaviour that you've forgotten how to relax. You might still be a little addicted to the chaos. I know I was.

I do think that changing the locks would be a prudent move. Borrow the money from your mother if you have to. And do not give him any more excuses to be let back in. Start really wrapping it up.; i.e., Get ALL of your things out of here now or they are going to the charity shop. Period. And definitely, No More Arguing. They LOVE to read the inevitable disappointment and sadness in our eyes.

Narcissists alternate between their charm offensives, being wheedling and needing attention, then projecting their ugliness and sins onto us, and refusing to own up for rotten behaviour (that no six-year old child would be allowed to get away with): and finally, hating us profusely. Mine ultimately despised me for BEING KIND!! So, do not give this person another SECOND of your time! You have to understand how he has robbed you---of time, of love, of the respect you're due, and of chances to be happy.

You must learn to love yourself enough to resent him, fully and without forgiveness, I'm afraid. Otherwise, you will stay stuck.

I agree with all the other helpful suggestions people have made. There is a wealth of experience here for you to draw on. I suggest you periodically go back through and read all the replies. Some things can bear repeating, especially when we find ourselves a little bit lost at sea.

Sent with great compassion and love, and wishes for calm for you....MG

Oh, and P.S.: That line he shot at you about, "not being able to control himself" when he is emotional or turns angry...Those words are VERBATIM what my own sister said when she let her mask slip for two seconds (and very close to the hints that two other personal narcs dropped) when they were simultaneously hating on me, and yet attempting to terrify me into not leaving.

It's one of the dead giveaways. THEY have to do the discarding, NOT you! It's so pathological, it makes my head hurt!

Please, stay cool headed, and keep your wits about you.

I completely agree with everything MG said

my abusers was like "you MADE me do XYZ" like i got control of their bodies and forced their bodies into doing what they accused me of "making" them do

Like then-finance trying to break furniture then being like "you MADE me do that" like i had actual control of his fists ....... sigh ..........

MG & WT